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Episode #33

The Oldie Friends Game

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33. The Oldie Friends Game

On the pod, the guys play their version of The Newlywed Game, The Oldie Friends Game.

Glenn Howerton: Uh, so how's everybody feeling? It's super early. Super early for you guys not so much for me.

Rob McElhenney: Well, it's super earl- It's super early for us. I believe Meg's in the middle of the afternoon. Is that right, Meg? Is that why you look so cheery?

Megan Ganz: Yeah. I have already had lunch and two glasses of champagne. Guys, I'm feeling great.

Charlie Day: Wow.

Glenn: Took a couple of glasses of champagne, huh? How's that jet lag doing? Are you- are you already like adjusted? It takes me about two, three weeks to get adjusted when I go to Europe.

Meg: No. I feel good.

Glenn: I swear to God I'm a mess.

Charlie: It's hard.

Glenn: I'm still not adjusted to Toronto and I've been here for-- It's almost three weeks.

Charlie: What? That's three hours.

Rob: No, that's a mental thing.

Glenn: I'm exaggerating.

Charlie: Yeah-yeah. Um, uh, Rob's the sun up at your house? 'Cause like the sun's like just coming up in my house and-

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: -I-I gotta have this like, super harsh overhead lighting. You look well-lit.

Rob: I've been doing Zoom since 2020, so I have, uh, lighting set up. Well, I mean it's not really just a light.

Charlie: 'Cause you're a fucking bitch, dude.


Rob: I mean, it's just a light.

Charlie: You got a lighting set up.


Rob: It's a light.

Glenn: Let's have a look. Oh, look at that, beauty ring lights.

Charlie: That's nice.

Glenn: Yeah. Good for you. Huh.

Charlie: That's nice.

Meg: Oh, wow.

Rob: I mean, do you-- Is it 20-- Is it-- What year is it? We're two years into this fucking thing. We've been-- Uh, haven't you guys been doing Zooms, recorded Zooms for years at this point?

Glenn: Buddy, not only- not only have I been doing all these recorded Zooms and stuff, but, you know, I've done enough stuff now where anytime I have to shoot something or film something on my laptop, they just send me equipment.

Charlie: Wait, so you gotta ring like going too, Glenn?

Glenn: Not-not right now, no. Um, 'Cause I'm not at my house, but I mean, at my house I've got all kinds of like, podcasting and-and-and like-

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: -you know, filming things on my computer equipment that people have sent me, and then nobody ever comes to pick it up.

Charlie: It's good to have 'cause your lighting looks good.

Glenn: It looks fine.

Rob: I-I think, I feel like I look a little blasted out. I look blasted out. I may have to turn it down a little bit.

Charlie: I don't think so. You don't see I get shadowy 'cause it's over the overhead light.

Glenn: Nobody cares. Yeah, the listener is definitely not having fun with this. Uh, Cut that. Cut that. Cut that. Cut that.

Rob: Cut that. Cut that. Cut that. What's this episode gonna be? We got something fun.

Glenn: Yeah. Meg, what are we- what are we doing?

Rob: What are we doing here?

Charlie: What are we doing here? Meg, you got a wild idea?

Meg: Yeah. So I thought I'd make a little game for you guys to play because we're all spread out. Well, you certainly are in many different places. Well now Charlie, you're back in LA so I guess just Glenn is apart. But I wanted to, um, play a little version of the Newlywed Game for you guys so that you could remember that despite being far apart, you're actually very close because of your 20-plus years of friendship. So, um-

Glenn: Oh. You know what? We're far apart, but they're always in my heart.

Meg: Aw, that's sweet.

Charlie: Yeah. Hey, fuck you guys, you know what I mean.

Glenn: Yeah. Totally.

Charlie: All right.

Glenn: That's what's in my heart. That's what's in my heart. Yeah.

Meg: So the way this is gonna work is that I'm gonna ask you guys questions about each other and there'll be three sections. One for Rob, Charlie, and Glenn. Um, actually four, because then I'm gonna ask, um, have a special lightning round at the end. And basically, um, you're gonna write your answers on these dry-erase boards that you should have in front of you. And, uh, we're gonna take points and see who wins. Who knows the most about their, um, fellow friends.

Glenn: I mean, I can already tell you right now, who's gonna win this game. It's definitely gonna be Rob.


Rob: I don't think- I don't think so. I-I-- We've already brought this up that Charlie keeps thinking that his memory is terrible and then he keeps remembering every single thing that we pose to him. So I think- I think we're gonna be surprised

Charlie: Yeah. That's true. I-I do feel like I got a chance. But I also feel like Rob you have more of, um, a mind that like studies a person, you know what I mean? Like where like you'll pick up on a detail about me.

Rob: I'm interested in you guys more than you're interested in me is what you're saying.

Charlie: Yeah. Yeah.

Glenn: Definitely, yeah.


Charlie: A little too interested pal.

Glenn: Yeah. That's weird.

Rob: With- with your ring lights and your interests.

Charlie: With your ring lights and the-- Okay. Okay. Take it easy. Dial it down a notch, will ya?

Meg: So if I'm doing a section about Rob and your answers agree with what Rob is written down, then you get a point. Um, but Rob, if you like either of their answers better than the one you've written down, you can choose to award them half a point. Um.

Rob: Ah. Okay.

Meg: Yeah.

Rob: Okay. I understand.

Meg: 'Cause they're kind of subjective answers, so.

Rob: Right. Right. So this isn't- this isn't, yeah, this isn't like background or factual. This is- this is-- These are all what I think they're gonna-- See. Uh, yeah. Right. I-1 get this.

Meg: So some of it-it is but-

Glenn: I don't- I don't get it. I don't get it at all.

Meg: Have you never seen the Newlywed Game?

Glenn: It's been a very long time since I've seen that game. And I have to admit I was getting hot. Uh, 'cause I turned the heat on this morning 'cause it was cold. And all I could think about was like, "Should I get up? Do I get up and turn the heat off right in the middle of the podcast?" Like, "Do I do that?" And then I realized I missed your entire explanation and I haven't seen Newlywed Games since I was six years old.

Charlie: Here's games. I mean, you pick up like a pack of cards or whatever. Maybe some people have a mind that they can sit and look at all those instructions, be like, "Hmm, I get it. Let's go." I-I'm like, let's just play a round and-

Meg: Yeah, you guys will pick it up.

Glenn: We'll figure it out.

Charlie: -after, you know, one round you're like, "I got it."

Rob: Yeah. Yeah.

Meg: Yeah.

Rob: But the point is, these are subjective. This- this is not- this is not like trivia or-or memory-based. This is more-more about ho-how do I believe you're gonna feel about something and vice versa.

Glenn: Oh, good. Okay

Meg: A lot of times.

Glenn: Okay.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Glenn: Okay.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Meg: Yeah.

Rob: It's more EQ than it is IQ. Right, Meg?

Meg: Yes, that's correct.

Charlie: EQ?

Glenn: What's EQ?

Rob: Don't worry about it. Look it up.

Charlie: Your emotional, uh-

Meg: Quotient. I don't know. Forgive me.


Charlie: That tells you a lot about my IQ.

Glenn: It's your egg- egg quotient.

Charlie: I didn't even know the Q.

Glenn: It's your egg quotient.

Rob: It's egg quotient.

Charlie: My egg quotient? My egg quotient is eggcellent. Let's go.

Glenn: Uh, with the dad jokes you.

Rob: Hey, buddy. It's six. You've been messing with heat. Charlie and I just woke up. It's six o'clock in the morning.

Charlie: By the way, it shots on goal pal. I got about- I got about fucking eight jokes in this podcast already, all right. Let's get going. Let's warm up buddy, because the audience wants to laugh, Glenn. Okay.

Glenn: Stays.

Charlie: No one wants to hear us complain about our fucking jet lag.


Rob: And how warm it is in our gorgeous hotel room.

Glenn: All right. All right. It's so warm. It's too warm in here guys.

Rob: Megan.

Charlie: Let's play. Let's play.

Rob: Megan get this game on the rails.


Meg: Um, okay, well we'll start with Glenn since he doesn't know what's going on. That'll make it the easiest. The first question is, what makes Glenn the most angry?


Rob: Uh, just, in general?

Meg: Yeah.

Rob: Oh.

Glenn: Okay. Oh, wow.

Charlie: I got it.

Glenn: I know. That's right. Okay [crosstalk]

Meg: Charlie's already got it.

Charlie: I'm ready to rock.

Rob: Huh, see, that's amazing. How-how-- There's so much.

Charlie: That there's so much, but, uh, I got mine.

Rob: But you went for-- You just went for one.

Meg: Rob, whenever you're ready.

Rob: Okay.

Meg: Okay. Charlie, show us your answer.

Charlie: Okay. I wrote, uh, chewing loud.

Rob: Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.

Meg: Okay. Chewing loud.

Charlie: Chewing-chewing. Loud chewers. You know, smacky foods.

Rob: I-I-I see that. I hear that. But I'll say that that's just one thing. I think- I think Glenn looks, uh, when things- when things just don't work. When things that are supposed to work-

Charlie: Oh, sure, yeah. Things that are supposed to work don't work.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah. That's a big one for him.

Rob: You know, like- like just stuff, technology thing. Just stuff for not working. There's an injustice to that.

Glenn: Yeah.

Meg: Okay. Glenn?

Glenn: Well, uh, listen guys, I mean, you're totally-- Both of you are-- it's not what I wrote, but it's 100%. You're 100% correct in that those things make me angry. The difficult thing I think about this is that so many things make me angry. So I wrote down, uh, a-a sort of a broader category which would encompass what you wrote, Charlie.

Charlie: Can I have a one-second guess? I won't write it, but just-just to say.

Glenn: Yes.

Charlie: Did you write the word life?


Rob: Wait, I think I know what you did. I think I know what you did. I think I know what you did.

Glenn: Yeah, go for it.

Rob: You wrote- you wrote Peop- having to do with people not giving a shit.


Glenn: There's an injustice about people not caring.

Charlie: That's a big one. That's a big

Glenn: You are-- You-you-you didn't say it the way I said it, but I think what you're saying is what I- is- I think what you mean is what I meant when I wrote what I wrote.

Charlie: Mm-hmm. Yeah. What did you write?

Glenn: People's lack of awareness.

Rob: Yeah.

Meg: Oh sure.

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: Okay.

Meg: I think Charlie should get a point for that.

Charlie: I get the point for the loud chewing. Well, I think it's up to Glenn.

Glenn: Well, yeah.

Charlie: Like what makes him more crazy? The things not working or, uh, someone smacking their food while eating?

Glenn: Hmm. Uh.


Charlie: That's a tough one 'cause they're both raging.


Glenn: They're both infuriating.

Rob: Um, I mean, when staff work.

Glenn: I will say Charlie's answer is a part, uh, is a- is a more specific version of what I wrote. Right? So people's lack of awareness of-- I was gonna write a whole thing, but I was like, "I don't think it's supposed to be this long."

Charlie: Oh, that's true people's lack of awareness and they're smacky- smacking their food is the same thing while the technology is nothing to do with people. That's- that's a technology's lack of awareness of what you want it to do.


Glenn: Of what I need it to do. Yes. My-my-my full answer would've been people's lack of awareness of how their actions affect other people. That's- that's the thing that-

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: -makes me the most angry. That's the broad category of like, the thing that makes me the most angry, um.

Charlie: Hmm.

Glenn: -and it is one of the-

Rob: It seems like a half a point- a half a point to Charlie seems very fair.

Glenn: Oh, a half a point?

Charlie: Okay. Okay.

Glenn: Okay. Let's-- Yeah, we can do-- We can do whatever we want.

Charlie: That's fine. That half a point is fine. I don't-

Glenn: No, I like half a point. I think that's-

Meg: I'm gonna- I'm gonna award Charlie half a point for that then.

Rob: That's good.

Meg: The next question is, Glenn, says 90% of the time he eats healthy, and 10% of the time he eats whatever the the fuck he wants. It's a 10% day, so what is Glenn eating?

Charlie: Okay, I have a- I have thought.-

Glenn: This was a tough one, even for me honestly.

Meg: Okay. All right this time Rob, why don't you go first?

Rob: This is a tough one but, yeah this is a tough one because--

Charlie: It's a tough one 'cause the man likes food.

Rob: The man-the man eats food, the man does- you-you eat- you eat what you want generally, what I see. Um, so I think if you're gonna splurge, what I've seen you do in the past is to just get a straight- because you don't eat as much red me- you-you don't eat red meat. You went for a long period of not eating red meat for a while, um, I think if you splurge, you're gonna get like just a-just a hamburger and French fries.

Charlie: Ooh, this is really interesting.

Rob: The good old hamburger and French fries.

Charlie: This is really interesting. You wanna know what I wrote, Rob?

Rob: Mm.

Charlie: A burger with French fries-

Rob: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: -but never a Coke.


Charlie: Never a soda, never a soda, just for one little specific, so he's-he's gonna get the burger and fries, but he's not gonna drink a cup of sugar on top.

Glenn: Okay so here's the thing- here's is the thing. I think you guys should both get a point for this because that's what I was literally writing when I scratched it out, and I actually think that your answer is more right than mine, uh, I picked--

Rob: You overthought it- you overthought it.

Glenn: I overthought it I--

Charlie: You overthought it okay.

Glenn: Yeah like, 'cause mine, uh, uh, I think mine is a little bit more it-it-it-- it's like this is-this is-- I gravitate towards this, but like if I'm really going for it and that was the question, that's exactly right. I would have-- I would be like a cheeseburger with the works you know, and, uh, and-and some fries, so I- and you're right, and no soda. And I am- I'm almost tempted to give Charlie an extra half a point there for the no soda thing. By the way, this is what I wrote. I wrote a turkey sandwich with-with extra mayo and fries.

Meg: And fries.

Glenn: But, uh, but that just seems too healthy. I mean e-even that, even the-the extra mayo kind of puts it over the top, but, you know I think you guys are right, all right burger and fries, all right let's move on, Jesus Christ this can't possibly--

Meg: I'll-I'll award a point for both of them, um.

Charlie: Yeah, okay,

Rob: Yeah.

Meg: Okay, the next question is-

Charlie: I'll allow it.

Meg: -Glenn is going to star in Guns Actually, a big-budget action movie about a man whose-

Charlie: Nice.

Meg: -father is tragically murdered, causing him to go on an epic rampage. What actor is Glenn casting to play his father?

Rob: Done and done, got it.

Glenn: [laughs] what?

Charlie: Meaning that he has a choice-

Glenn: I don't even know.

Charlie: -or this is the- this is like uh, a realistic like--

Meg: No, no, he has the choice of who is going to play his father.

Charlie: The choice of all actors?

Meg: Yes, all actors.

Glenn: Now is this- what's the- sorry what is the tone of this movie? Is it a- is it a- is a an action comedy, is it- or just a straight like--

Meg: No, it's a straight action-

Glenn: -throw it or action.

Meg: -get Carter type of thing.

Glenn: Oh shit okay, all right.

Charlie: Uh-huh, and-and your father is an action-- has to be an action actor?

Meg: No because he dies at the beginning of the movie, so he's not needing to do a lot of action.

Charlie: Oh okay, okay, so it's just a great actor.

Glenn: Okay.

Charlie: Oh I'm tempted to do a joke here, but I also want the point.

Glenn: Yeah, why don't you put the joke at the bottom?

Charlie: Okay.

Rob: Oh I- he-he the joke he's gonna put is him- is himself aged up.


Charlie: No I wasn't, but I wish that I was.

Glenn: Oh God yeah, myself, me aged up. Well, that's-that's right, that would be--

Rob: Yes, I know.

Glenn: I'd be great.

Meg: All right. Charlie, why don't you show us first?

Charlie: Okay uh, I wrote uh, uh, he's gonna go Gary Oldman.

Rob: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: Uh, Gary Oldman is you know who's gonna go- who's available, but and if you want accuracy, it's gotta be Lindsay Buckingham.

Rob: Okay that's just a grand slam.


Rob: I mean that's just a glam slam.

Charlie: If we're going purely on looks.


Glenn: I forgot about that, the-the- just the other day we were having a con- we were talking on the podcast about doppelgangers and I forgot that that's one that I get all the time, like Lindsay Buckingham.

Charlie: It is funny, I see these pictures of him now and it- he does-- it-it's more like he has a Dennis Reynolds vibe than he has a Glenn vibe, you know what I mean like, something about--

Glenn: His hair is always high isn't it? It's always [crosstalk].

Rob: Okay this is how much--

Charlie: His hair is very high it's never small.

Rob: How much Charlie and I know and love Glenn, I said the same thing, an aged-up Gary Oldman because he can do anything and be any age.

Glenn: Well, uh, you guys, this was a tough one, uh, amazing that you both wrote Gary Oldman, one of my favorite actors of all time. I did not even think of Gary Oldman. I still stand by, uh, my actual choice.

Rob: Brendan Gleeson? No, doesn't make sense.

Glenn: No, it's not like he's even one of my favorite actors, although he is a phenomenal actor, and I absolutely love him in things, I don't know why this is who I- this is who I want, Christopher Walken.

Rob: Christopher Walken.

Charlie: Your brain sometimes is so interesting.

Rob: That's just wrong-- it's just wrong.

Charlie: It's terrible casting.

Rob: Yeah, and you're- and you're wrong, it's actually not the answer, the answer is Gary Oldman. I believe we know you better than you know yourself.

Charlie: Yeah, you don't know your own mind.

Glenn: Okay well, I think that you--

Charlie: My son, uh, uh, who uh, comes in the room [crosstalk]

Glenn: I don't know man, I'm thinking of like--

Charlie: Everyone does Walken, no one wants to hear a Walken.

Glenn: Like have you guys se- like Christopher Walken in a--

Charlie: Glenn my boy, wow, how'd you know it was me? I'm your dad, sure.

Glenn: Um, okay, sorry. Uh, you guys- you guys do know me very well uh, Gary Oldman's one of my favorite actors, uh, and, uh, uh, uh, I mean again, it's not what I wrote, but I don't know how you ever would have gotten--

Charlie: Why did you pick Christopher Walken?

Glenn: I don't- because I was- I don't know, for some reason his performance--

Rob: You are overthinking it--

Meg: He's- no I wasn't.

Rob: He's overthinking it, Charlie.

Glenn: He was the first person I thought- He was the first fucking person that popped--

Charlie: You don't even-you don't even know what you want for lunch.

Glenn: He was the first fucking person that popped into my head and I wrote it down, that's not overthinking it.

Meg: No points awarded.

Glenn: I was thinking of his performance in Seven Psychopaths, uh, which is just like so phenomenal, so good. Have you guys seen that movie? Please tell me you've seen Seven Psychopaths.

Rob: Yeah, I watched it with you, years ago.

Glenn: Oh God, it's so good.

Charlie: Or maybe I've seen it, I don't know.

Glenn: It's so good, it's one of those movies you can watch like 15,000 times, it's-it's fantastic, watch it again if you haven't seen it. [unintelligible 00:16:01]

Meg: Okay, here's a question that's not subjective. What was Glenn's starter car, as in his first car he ever had?

Charlie: That's actual- that's an actual trivia.

Rob: The-the one- in-in real life?

Meg: Yes, in real life, what was his starter car?

Charlie: Glenn, this is just a question. Would this have been in high school or did- it was your first car since we've known you?

Glenn: Um, I mean, I de- she's ta- uh, I think you're talking about my very first car, right?

Meg: Yeah.

Rob: Yeah, you had- you had a car and then you had another car. The car that you brought out here was different than your very first car.

Glenn: Yeah, you guys never met my first car but--

Rob: No, but I think-

Charlie: Okay I'll go-

Rob: -I think I know what it is.

Charlie: Okay.

Meg: Uh, let's start with Rob on this one.

Rob: I believe your first car when you were in high school was a Volvo.

Charlie: It was a Volvo, wow.

Rob: It was just different than you came out [crosstalk].

Glenn: I mean that's-that's-that's a, um, a very difficult but it just- for extra points maybe, if you can get the year.

Rob: The year of the Volvo?

Glenn: Oh yes.

Charlie: It was an '85, I'm jumping in for a point here. It was an 85 Volvo, um.

Glenn: I think it was the- it was my dad's-it was my dad's- it was the first car my dad ever bought for himself, that's a clue.

Rob: Yeah, yeah.

Charlie: Oh, wow. A '76 Volvo.

Rob: I'm gonna say it's a 1981 Volvo.

Glenn: Wow, you guys think it took my dad that long to buy a car, okay, 1981?

Charlie: I said '76, I said '76.Uh, I-I just like I wrote a '99 Acura, a '99 Acura Legend.

Rob: Okay that's a great- that's a great guess- that's a great guess because that's the car.

Glenn: Very good answer.

Rob: Yeah that's--

Glenn: Very good answer-

Rob: That's--

Glenn: -it was a 19--

Charlie: Thank you very much.

Glenn: That was the car that I got my senior- that I uh, was able to split with my parents, my senior year of high school. It was a 1990, Acura Legend, but very good.

Charlie: I got the [unintelligible 00:17:44]

Rob: Pretty damn good-pretty damn good.

Glenn: Um, however, Rob gets the point. It is a Volvo, it was a 19-1966 Volvo uh, pearl white-

Charlie: Wow pearl white.

Glenn: -his nickname was Pearl Jam.

Charlie: His nickname was Pearl Jam.

Meg: Pearl jam, that's cute.

Glenn: Just 'cause it was pearl white. It's a cool car-- I loved that car man, it was so, so great. We kept it for a long time, I wish we still had it, I wish I could restore it and I would I-I--

Charlie: Well done. Rob, did you remember that he had discussed having a Volvo at one point in time in his life?

Rob: Yes.

Charlie: Okay well then, yeah.

Glenn: Yeah, it wasn't just a guess, that was you remembering.

Rob: Yes.

Meg: I'm gonna give a point to Rob on that one. Um, if Glenn had to speak in a different accent for the rest of his life, which accent would he pick?

Charlie: Okay, all right.

Rob: Okay.

Charlie: I feel like Glenn's gonna have an interesting answer here, which is not-

Rob: Which is not accurate?

Charlie: -what we're expecting.

Glenn: No, it's not no, it's not.

Meg: Okay Charlie, you wanna go first?

Charlie: Well, [coughs] my first-my first-- If I just went off my first instinct, it would've been like a British accent, but I switched it 'cause I thought eh, he's gonna get tired of people being tired of that accent and thinking that he's hoity-toity. He's gonna wanna sometimes just be able to go home and just fit in, and I went with a Southern accent. He's just gonna slide into a-a comfy Southern accent just-

Glenn: Oh man.

Charlie: -for peace of mind.

Rob: I'm gonna say, Glenn, and I wou- if-if I'd want Glenn to think about it for a second, I think he would want to do-- 'Cause I've heard him do this many times and it's very funny, uh, and I believe he would want to do a German accent.

Charlie: What [laughs]

Rob: A German accent yes.


Charlie: [coughs] Uh, Rob, I like your thinking because sometimes Glenn comes out with an answer where you're like, huh? Exactly.

Glenn: Yeah he was going-he was going along the lines of my overthinking it and not giving the most obvious yeah, yeah.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Glenn: Mm-hmm, I was thinking like--

Charlie: You threw us with a lot of your answers, so we had to kind of like--

Rob: Jan like Jan in the glo- in-the-glory hole, I remember you'd get really into that and he was just sort of doing a non-descript European accent.

Glenn: Well that's a- and I'm a big fan of that by the way, just-just like a European accent, with just-just like kind of all of it.

Charlie: I'm guessing though you wrote a British accent because of just the-the beauty of the sound and the flow and you- and it feels comfortable to do and-and I'm-I'm guessing you would--

Meg: Oh, British accent.

Glenn: It's uh, I have an infinity for- for it because, uh, you know I live there as a kid and I had an accent. I had a British accent as a little kid for short, short period of time, and, uh, I just love it there. I love it.

Meg: Well, that's the Glenn round.

Charlie: [snoring]



Glenn: We are supported by Shopify. Hey, you guys ever think about starting a small business together?

Charlie: Oh you talking about a little side hustle?

Rob: Um, what do you have in mind?

Glenn: Um, I don't know maybe something retail or e-commerce, you know, artisan scented candles, Macramé wall art.

Charlie: I don't know, you know, that whole it all sounds pretty complicated. Right? Like how are we gonna compete with the- with big Macramé ? Right, where are we gonna get in?

Rob: The big Macramé industry is, uh, that's-that's a tight community to get into. [crosstalk]

Charlie: You can't get a foothold in, right?

Rob: How do you even start? Where do we start?

Glenn: Well, I tell you what, Shopify gives entrepreneurs like ourselves the resources once reserved for only big businesses.

Charlie: Glenn, I'm gonna need you to go on about this a little bit.

Glenn: Okay, so all right, I will. So upstarts, startups, and established businesses alike can sell everywhere, um, synchronized online, and in-person sales, and gain insights as they grow with detailed reporting of conversion rates, profit margins, and beyond.

Rob: Now, that's a lot of big words you just said there, Glenn.

Glenn: Sorry, I'm a smart guy.

Charlie: Yeah, it's okay. Bu-But what about reaching customers online and across like social networks? Yeah, you know with an ever-growing suite of channel integrations and apps, like Facebook, Instagram, T-TikTok, Pinterest, and more, you know. There's so much out there now, I don't even know what's out there.

Glenn: Yep, a lot of big words out there too but, yeah, Shopify provides all that,

Rob: Yeah. Shopify powers millions of businesses from the first sale to full scale. It's more than a store. Shopify grows with you.

Charlie: That's

Glenn: Go to, all lowercase for a free 14-day trial and get full access to Shopify's entire suite of features. Grow your business with Shopify today. Go to right now.

Charlie: That's



Charlie: We are supported by ZipRecruiter, yeah, okay say we're gonna run a promotion for Patty's.

Glenn: Tuesday night is ladies' night at Patty's Pub.

Charlie: Oh sure great yeah you know it's ladies' night and we-we need to hire some people like, um-

Rob: A cheese sample guy, yep.

Glenn: Cheese is very classy. Uh, ladies love cheese.

Charlie: But I mean who doesn't love cheese, right? Everybody loves cheese, okay, so we need a cheese guy on the fly.

Rob: And we'd want to hire the best person for the job. Right? Like a sommelier for cheese, a real cheese whiz.

Charlie: Oh a cheese wiz?

Glenn: Okay.

Charlie: A wizard of cheese-


Rob: Doing jokes of hazard.

Charlie: -cheese.

Rob: That's why we'd use ZipRecruiter, and if you're hiring for your business you should go to right now to try ZipRecruiter for free.

Glenn: Guys, ZipRecruiter's powerful technology finds the best people with the right skills and experience for your job and presents them to you, and then you can personally invite your top choices to apply for your job.

Charlie: Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day, so in less than 24 hours Patty's Pub would have a cheese expert. It's that easy.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah so find the right people for the job when you try ZipRecruiter for free at-

All Speakers:

Charlie: That's three people talking at once, so once again one at a time that's




Glenn: Uh, guys, we are supported by Tommy John. By the way Rob, sorry, you look really cool today, man. I don't know what it is.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Rob: Thank you for noticing that. I'm feeling- I'm feeling rather cool today.

Charlie: Have you had a haircut or a shave? Did you get a little pre-workout in before the pod? You look great, man.

Rob: No, no well thank you. Uh, we started the podcast very early today, and, um, I just happened to be wearing my-my Tommy John undies.

Glenn: Oh you popped on some Tommy Johns.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Okay, it's that what it is. And it's actually emanating out of you and making your whole thing cooler.

Rob: The-the underwear actually does keep me seven degrees cooler than cotton.

Glenn: That is oddly specific.

Charlie: Wow. Well, you wanna be cool, you don't wanna be overheated. Right? You wanna be light and breezy.

Rob: Well you want your underpants to be anything, you want them to be breathable, lightweight, and with four times the stretch of any competing brand, because you know, you know I need the stretch. You guys both are very aware that I need the stretch.

Glenn: Well you know, you blow up, you get too big and then you shrink down, relax and give it a stretch.


Charlie: You start to swell up, you don't want to be constricted. You wanna have room to grow.

Rob: Guys, listen there is no risk because Tommy John's got you covered with their best pair you'll ever wear or it's free, guaranteed.

Glenn: Okay, well. Really? I'm sold.

Rob: Not just you, pal. With over 17 million pairs sold, I think it's safe to say people are loving Tommy John, I know I am.

Charlie: So shop right now for 20% off your first order.

Glenn: That's right. Get 20% off right now if you go to

Rob:, the slash sunny is very important,, otherwise, Meg does not eat. See site for details.


Meg: All right, here we go, first question for Charlie. Charlie gets to play a round of golf with any famous person, living or dead, who does he-

Charlie: A what?

Meg: -choose?

Charlie: Oh God, no. I'm just gonna keep that one simple. I'm not gonna go nothing crazy here.

Glenn: I mean I haven't got a clue, I haven't got a clue, not a clue.

Charlie: Playing golf with somebody.

Meg: [chuckles] Okay, uh, Rob's written Tiger Woods as his answer. Glenn, do you wanna-

Rob: I mean I thought already conceded.

Glenn: Yeah, uh, [chuckles] conceded. Um, just give me one second here, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, oh no, that's goddamn, I'm overthinking it. I don't know, I concede.

Meg: Okay. [chuckles] going pass.

Charlie: It was in fact, Tiger Woods.

Meg: Oh.

Charlie: And if you're gonna get a round of golf with anybody-

Meg: Point for Rob.

Charlie: -play with the person who is arguably the best player ever to play the game. Um-

Meg: Okay.

Charlie: -good answer, Rob.

Glenn: You guys play golf together.

Rob: I know you very well.

Charlie: I know. Yeah, I tell you-you know that's true, we golf together. So Glenn doesn't golf that much so.

Meg: Okay, here's one that's not subjective. How old was Charlie when he had his first kiss?

Charlie: Oh shit. Well, I gotta think of that.

Meg: [laughs]

Glenn: Wait, wait, wait, wait how could you not know but Megan knows?

Meg: [laughs]

Charlie: It's right on the cusp of two ages but I-I-

Glenn: Yeah, I think I'm okay, okay.

Charlie: -okay, wait I think I got it.

Meg: You can write down two ages to give them more of a chance.

Charlie: No, no, no I'm pretty sure it's this one.

Meg: Okay.

Charlie: Okay, I wrote down two ages.

Meg: Glenn, you wanna go first?

Glenn: Says 14.


Charlie: 14


Meg: It says for 14.

Glenn: I know that's-- I know that's late but Charlie just strikes me as a little bit of a late bloomer. Not that he could have been kissed but-

Charlie: Yes, mm-hmm, mm-hmm good instincts.

Glenn: -but just that you are the type-you're the type of person to-to not go for the kiss unless you are absolutely sure and I think that takes-

Charlie: That's a big part of it.

Glenn: -a little bit.

Meg: [laughter]

Rob: And because of that- because of that I'm gonna go later- I'm gonna go later not because he didn't have the opportunity but because-

Glenn: yeah, yeah, yeah

Rob: -he's been very clear-

Glenn: It's his personality.

Rob: -that he would never go for the- the kiss unless he knew it was a definite which is a hard thing to do 15 or younger so I believe he was 16 on the cusp of 17.

Glenn: I-I was tempted to do that. I was tempted to go there, and I was like, "God, that's almost insulting".

Meg: [chuckles]

Charlie: I believe, well, don't worry about that, pal, because I believe it was actually 17 or I might have even been 18.

Rob: Yeah.

Meg: Wow.

Charlie: It was not until my senior year of high school, um.

Glenn: My goodness.

Rob: Yeah, I remember you were-

Charlie: Yeah, I was frustrated about it, believe me, um. [laughs] I will--

Glenn: Now, was this your first kiss, in general? Or like your first kiss, kiss?

Charlie: Uh, Both.

Glenn: Oh, wow.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, um, and then I think- I think, um, it was definitely my senior year. So I can't remember if I was 17 or I might have been 18 which was adding to the humiliation but, uh, uh [chuckles] to my credit, though, my high school for out, throughout my freshmen, and sophomore and most of my junior year was an all-boys school so it made it even harder.

Glenn: Why can't you kiss boys?

Charlie: You can, but I didn't want to.

Glenn: Oh you didn't want to.


Charlie: So that- so that was you know that was a big part of it. Yeah [crosstalk] yeah.

Rob: That hold you back, that hold you back. [crosstalk]

Glenn: Not wanting to is what made you not do it, huh?

Charlie: That's big part of it.

Glenn: Yeah.

Meg: Okay. Next question is, the DJ at the local-

Rob: Do I get a half point for that?

Meg: No

Charlie: I-I I think that's-

Rob: Well, I said 16 on the cusp of 17. He said 17 on the cusp of 18.

Charlie: He said 16 on the cusp of 17, I think half point, at least, a half point to Rob.

Meg: Okay, a half point for Rob.

Glenn: Megan, did you know?

Meg: I didn't know. No.

Charlie: Uh, uh-huh.

Meg: But this is a newlywed game works, is they don't know the answers, you provide the answers.

Charlie: Right, great they're just asking some questions.

Glenn: Who knew, okay, I got it.

Meg: Yeah, I could ask you guys where's your favorite place to make whoopie, 'cause that's pretty much the big question.

Rob: That's always a big one.

Glenn: Wh-what's whoopie? Is that a sandwich?


Meg: Um, I believe it's sexual intercourse.

Charlie: I believe it's a- she's a view on the host.

Meg: Yeah

Charlie: She's a host on The View.


Glenn: View on the host, I was like, wait what?

Charlie: She's a view on the host.

[laughter] what the fuck am I talking about.

Meg: How about this one? Um, Charlie is having a midlife crisis. What does he buy for himself?

Glenn: Oh, I know exactly what this is. I know-I know this.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Meg: Okay.

Rob: I'm pretty sure I got this one.

Meg: Glenn, you wanna- you wanna show first?

Glenn: A classic car.

Meg: Okay.

Rob: Classic sports car.

Meg: Okay.

Glenn: Yep. Oh, I almost wrote sports car. Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah. I-I called it vintage instead of classic, but a vintage car, maybe I'm thinking like a '60s Ferrari convertible because it's a crisis. I'm really- I'm spending too much money. Right? I'm-I'm like overspending. It's like a $2 million car or something like that.

Meg: Okay. One point each guy is great job.

Charlie: Yeah.

Meg: Okay.

Charlie: I've been trying to have a midlife crisis for a while now.

Glenn: You sure have. You've been talking about having a midlife crisis in that regard for quite a bit.

Meg: [laughs]

Charlie: I'm gonna-I'm gonna get a good vintage car.

Glenn: Pull the trigger on that. You gotta pull the trigger on that midlife crisis, man.

Meg: What is Charlie the most proud of? And I'm gonna m- say that his wife and child are exempt from this.

Charlie: Oh, I'm not sure I know the answer to that. Um.

Rob: I know- I know the answer.

Glenn: I-I mean, I think I- I think I-I thought-- I think I know the answer. I think I'm right.

Meg: Okay. Rob, you wanna go first?

Glenn: You wanna go first on this one, Robbie?

Rob: Sunny.

Meg: Sunny. Okay? Glenn?

Glenn: Always Sunny.

Meg: Always Sunny. Okay. Charlie?

Charlie: What are horrible bosses?


Sunny Babies. Sunny.

Meg: Oh, great job, guys.

Rob: Sunny, Sunny everybody [inaudible 00:31:32]

Charlie: I'm not gonna be proud. Would that have been the same for you guys?

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: [crosstalk] 100%. 100% without a doubt.

Meg: That's nice.

Glenn: Unquestionably.

Charlie: Sunny's the best. Everything else is great, but Sunny is the best baby.

Glenn: It's just- it's just very, very special.

Meg: Okay. One more and then-then I think that makes this even to the amount we did for Glenn. Um.

Charlie: I'm easy. These guys know- these guys know me. It's like this- it's no mystery.

Meg: What movie would Charlie most like to have written and starred in? And this could be from any era.

Rob: Okay.

Charlie: Oh, this is pretty easy too.

Rob: I wouldn't say that this was easy, but it's the first thing that popped into my mind.

Glenn: Okay.

Rob: And I don't think you'll say I'm wrong, Charlie, but you might have one that's--

Charlie: No, I-I went--

Rob: [crosstalk] I think this is right. I--

Charlie: I went easy first instinct. I mean, there's-there's a million of them that I wish I wrote and started.

Rob: Okay. I think- I think I got it.

Meg: Okay. Glenn, you wanna go first? The Big Lebowski.

Charlie: Okay. Rob.

Rob: Good one.

Meg: Rob said?

Rob: Dog Day Afternoon.

Meg: Dog Day Afternoon.

Charlie: [crosstalk] Oh, wow. You know what? It was- it was between the two, but I went with Lebowski just, uh, just for the comedy of it. But Dog, honestly, uh,

Rob: Dog Day, yes.

Charlie: My second- my second instinct was Dog Day Afternoon. My first was [inaudible 00:32:44].

Rob: But you wrote Lebowski. You wrote Lebowski.

Charlie: I did- I did. Because it's--

Rob: I'm gonna say- I'm gonna say it's not right. I'm gonna say Dog Day Afternoon now.

Charlie: No, no, no. It's-it's-it's right. I think I-I watched Lebowski more than I have watched Dog Day Afternoon.

Glenn: It would be a very different movie. I-i- you know, obviously, uh, Jeff Bridges' performance in that is absolutely amazing. But like, I would like to see that movie with you in it. I think it'd be amazing, dude.

Charlie: Yeah. I would like to make my own Lebowski at some point, you know. Working on it.

Glenn: [crosstalk] You should.

Rob: I'd rather see you in Dog Day Afternoon, if I'm being honest. In fact, I'd rather see you in Dog Day Afternoon and Glenn, I'd like to see you in The Big Lebowski.

Glenn: Oh God. I would [crosstalk] love,

Rob: But I, maybe I want you- maybe I want you playing tutorials part though.

Charlie: What about me and Glenn in Dog Day Afternoon?

Rob: [crosstalk] Oh. Yes.

Charlie: Okay. Glenn and- Glenn and I are robbing the bank together.

Glenn: Am I- are you Pacino and I'm Cazale or what are we doing?

Charlie: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Glenn: Yeah. That's cool. Maybe we do like a cat- like Cat- Cat Day- Cat Day, you know, mid-lunch, you know, called Cat Day Mid Lunch or--

Charlie: Cat Day Mid Lunch.

Rob: I'd see that movie.

Meg: Okay, we're moving on to Rob guys. You ready? See how much you know Rob?

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Meg: Okay. The first question is, Kaitlyn and the kids are out of town, how is Rob spending his evening?

Glenn: His evening? Uh, ah, that's a joke answer shit. All right.



Rob: Well, if you're gonna go- if you're gonna go base, just pass, just pass base.

Glenn: It's not base. It's not base. Okay. Uh, okay, hold on.

Charlie: I'm ready.

Glenn: All right. I-I'm gonna give my-my-my first answer as a joke and my second answer is my real answer.

Charlie: The- my first answer in which I wanted do as a joke, I was gonna write working.


Glenn: That's why I wrote- I wrote starting a new business.


Rob: That's so sad because I wrote that and then stopped. 'Cause I was like, Oh, that's so sad.

Charlie: Rob-Rob, I know you have a-a-a kickback side. I wrote drinking a Manhattan watching the Eagles as if- as if the Eagles are an option but I wrote a Manhattan.

Glenn: Not a movie.

Rob: Oh my God, you guys know me so well because I literally started writing working and then was like, "That's so sad, I don't wanna do that." And then I wrote drinking whiskey and watching, and then I stopped because I was like, am I watching like football or am I watching, yes.

Charlie: [crosstalk] It depends on the day. So I know the- I know the Eagles are specific.

Glenn: Yeah. You're watching something. Whatever is it.

Rob: That's really- that's really.

Charlie: I think that's a point to both of us.

Meg: I'll give a points [inaudible 00:35:11]

Rob: Yeah, I think you should get two points because you got both- you got both of them.

Glenn: We got- we actually, I kind of agree. I think we should get--

Rob: I didn't wanna write- I didn't wanna write working because it was so sad.

Meg: All right. Two points it is, guys.

Charlie: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But your first instinct would be like, "Okay man, I gotta come up with something. I have some time to focus and the kids aren't here and to bother me so I could really dig in on some work here." And then it would be like, what has no one done yet? Like what- how can- what's Elon Musk done? I could probably do what he does. And then- and then you've--

Rob: And then realizing too stupid to do anything like that.

Glenn: What's the dumber- what's the dumber version of making that much money? What's like the dumb version?


And I'd be like, "What's the thing that I could do as a dumb guy?" Um, no, but-but listen, I actually understand the appeal of that. Like, I-I have-- There is something kind of really nice about, uh, sitting down with a glass of whiskey or a glass of wine or whatever and getting some work done. Considering that I would say, you know, not-not everything we do is fun, but I actually really enjoy most of the work that I do.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Uh, for as much as it frustrates me. So it's actually fun sometimes to-to work.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: During non-work hours with a cocktail in your hands.

Charlie: I think I probably could even squeeze another point outta this because the real answer is masturbating

Rob: Well, right. That was the base. That was the base answer though.

Glenn: Yeah, Manhattan- yeah, Manhattan porn.

Rob: All three things are correct.

Charlie: All three. He's getting all three in for the night.


Rob: But wait a second, what you've just described, you've just described what every man on the planet, in fact, probably any human on the planet would do if their p- if their families were not around. Masturbate, work and then j- enjoy a cocktail and watch TV. I mean, that's it.

Charlie: I think many would not work.

Glenn: Most will not work.

Charlie: Many would forego the work. Mo-most would be like, "Wait a second, I don't have to work. I'm just gonna go straight to the masturbation."

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: And the boos in the movie.

Rob: Well, look two out of three is not bad. Two out of three is not bad.

Charlie: [crosstalk] In no particular order. Probably using the masturbation comes first, but--

Glenn: Beat it, drink it, watch it. Um.


Here's a question though. Here's a question though. Would you- would you make the Manhattan and drink the Manhattan while masturbating and then make another Manhattan for the movie? Or would you masturbate just to get it out of the way, just to get the demons out? And then make the Manhattan and go watch the movie?

Rob: Well, here's what I would say. I don't usually work at night. What I would probably do is I would wake up, I do what I do now, which is wake up really early before anybody's awake, then work, then at night--

Glenn: I'm not talking about working, I'm--

Rob: Well, then at night I would- I would dri- I would- I only drink one Manhattan every night. A big one but it's a big one. But it's just one. I drink the one and then I watch the movie.

Glenn: [crosstalk] 32 Ounce.

Rob: Then,

Glenn: Fucking 32-ounce Manhattan.

Rob: Yeah. It's-it's big gulp.

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: And then when that's over, I turn whatever that show or movie was-was, and then I- then I would- then I would complete my-my evening.

Glenn: [crosstalk] Oh, at the end?

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Oh, see, I'd get it outta the way. I usually get it outta the way. I'm like, "Yeah, I gotta get this outta me. I need to get this outta me so I'm not thinking about it during the movie.

Rob: [crosstalk] Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm getting something to look forward to. Something to look forward to.

Glenn: Oh. Oh, good for you. Delayed gratification. And that's--

Charlie: What time did you wake up this morning? Did you wake up, uh, shortly before the podcast?

Rob: No, I got up at like 5:15.

Glenn: Good for you. God bless. Um, I-I-I do, By the way, can we not move past the fact that [chuckles], in order to be able to tell yourself that you only have one drink a night, you-you basically make like twice the size of a normal Manhattan?

Rob: Maybe three times. I'll take a picture of it and put it on the podcast. Yeah, no, I take it to the brim.

Meg: The next question about Rob is, what was Rob's first job?

Charlie: Oh, his first job.

Glenn: Very first job.

Charlie: Rob, this is in high school at some point, I'm assuming, right? Or like you know,

Rob: No, this was in grade school.

Charlie: In grade school.

Meg: Oh, wait, you gotta do something you got like a paycheck for.

Rob: I-I did. Well was it- was it cash business? Well, okay, I then I'll tell you what, there's two answers. I can give--

Meg: [crosstalk] Well, no. If you call it your first job, you can- you can say that.

Glenn: I'm going classic here guys, going classic. [crosstalk]

Rob: Okay. There's-there's two- there's-there's- there is two but I think that that's fair, Meg, and both of them are classic, very Americana.

Meg: Okay.

Glenn: Paperboy.

Meg: [crosstalk] Glenn? Glenn says Paperboy. Charlie?

Charlie: [chuckles] I wrote, uh, Altar Boy Load Wipe Down Boy.


Glenn: Alter boy parentheses wipes down the loads.

Charlie: Wipe down the load boy. Just like robe de-stainer.


I dunno. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure what his actual job was so I went with a joke.

Rob: So I-I, Glenn is right, I had a paper route. Um.

Meg: Okay.

Rob: And when I was like 11 or 12 and then I pumped gas in high school.

Charlie: Oh, I remember that.

Glenn: Yes. I remember you talking about that. You pumped gas.

Rob: My freshman year of high school, I pumped gas.

Glenn: But the first-- but you get a paycheck for being a Paperboy?

Rob: Yeah, you gotta pay, yeah, I can't remember if, uh- if it was like a shady cash business. No, I-I-I don't know if I was old enough to have a job at 12 I don't think [crosstalk]- Yeah, and it was one of those local papers that nobody wanted. They were- they were just like, appear on your doorstep and you just take them throw in the garbage. I think they paid me-

Meg: I'll give Glenn a point for that. And the next question is, uh, if Rob gave a TED talk, what would the subject of it be?

Glenn: Okay.

Charlie: I want non-joke.

Glenn: Me too.

Meg: Okay, Charlie, what do you got me to?

Rob: Me too.

Charlie: I wrote, show running and the business of Hollywood.

Meg: All right, Glenn.

Rob: Mm.

Charlie: Which is basically like, you know, an area of expertise.

Glenn: No one knows anything. (Make your own rules.)

Charlie: Mm.

Meg: Oh.

Charlie: Oh, that's interesting. I like that, Glenn.

Rob: Oh, that's great.

Charlie: Rob, what did you write down?

Rob: I said creative collaboration. Which-

Meg: I think we should give Charlie a point for that.

Charlie: [unintelligible 00:40:57] Rob. How about we both get a point for that?

Rob: Yeah. Well- well that- that will-- those are the things that I've learned i-in-- I think we all have learned a version of that in-in- these are all areas-- I don't know Meg. I

think- I think-

Meg: A point each.

Glenn: Oh, wow, Okay. Yeah, I mean, I do think that, uh, this is something, you know, that you discovered along the way, uh, you know, working on, It's Always Sunny and various other projects is that like, you know, the rules that people set in place are- a-a-re often arbitrary, or don't, you know, no longer apply, and-and the people who are administering or, you know-- What's the word I'm looking for? Enforcing the rules, don't even really understand what they're for or why they're beneficial to the project or whatever, you know. So what you discover is that, like, your whole thing is to just push through, just do your thing. Just do it. Just fucking do it and don't worry. I mean, and I'm not talking about like rules that are, you know-

Rob: They're not laws.

Glenn: I'm not- I'm not talking about laws, and I'm not-- No, no, no I'm not talking about laws, I'm not talking-

Rob: Yeah. Well, h-how- how often have we-- Yeah, how often have we over the course of making the show [unintelligible 00:42:02] we've come up against, uh, uh, uh, an idea or a structure or something that was put in place long ago, and then enforced by people who don't understand why they're enforcing it and then you-

Glenn: That's right.

Rob: If you just peel back and ask why you realize that they don't know the answer, and then you realize, "Oh, there are no-" There- there is no rule. This is just arbitrarily put in place.

Charlie: Ye-yeah there's- there's-- It's like, there's no experts, and the so-called experts are really-- Their expertise is only just what oftentimes what they're comfortable with, not failing at, right. So they're like, "Well, we do this this way, because we won't fail." But then you're like, "But yeah -- But- but why does it have to be this way?"

Rob: And, of course not, and of course, not all the time, there are lots of experts in different fields. And we have to be able to recognize which ones are the ones are to be listened to, and which ones are the ones that are not.

Glenn: This is what I like about you, Rob, if I may. Uh, you know, you're not one to just break the rules arbitrarily, or because you're not getting what you want. You will ask the question, "What is the purpose of this rule?" And if the answer satisfies you, and it feels logical, then you'll follow the rule. Because you're like, "That makes sense. I-I shouldn't, you know, do X, Y, and Z, because what you just said makes sense. You know, you will listen to reason. It's just that if the rules don't make any sense, or if the person explaining it can't explain it because they don't even know what it means, and no one can explain it and no one can make sense of it. Then you're like, "No, fuck it, then I'm not doing it."

Rob: Well, let's do a TED talk. Let's do a- Let's do a three-person TED talk about this very thing.

Charlie: Nah- nah.


Rob: It's a lot of work.

Glenn: It sounds like a lot of work.

Rob: I'd rather be masturbating.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Sure- sure.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Isn't-isn't a TED talk a form of masturbation? L-let's be honest.

Glenn: Yes- yes, self- self-gratification.

Charlie: [unintelligible 00:43:44] people named Ted. They're fucking [unintelligible 00:43:46]

Meg: Okay, the next question is, what movie is most likely to make Rob cry?

Glenn: Oh, okay. Um-- Hmm-

Meg: Maybe after Manhattan.

Charlie: I know, like what the subject matter would be, but I don't-- I can't think of, um, which movie that is. Um.

Meg: You can write subject matter if it fits with a movie he's written down. I'll give you a point for that.

Glenn: I think I've got the general category. Um, but I'm not sure if I've got the specific movie.

Meg: All right, Glenn? What does it say?

Charlie: What does that say?

Glenn: A Pixar movie.

Rob: A Pixar movie.

Glenn: So my-my first thought was because I-I, you know, you really liked those Pixar movies. I thought maybe i-it would be a Pixar movie. Uh, and then I just- I don't know why Inside Out was the one that popped. And I couldn't think of anything better so kind of-

Charlie: I couldn't think of a movie. I just wrote, uh, uh, anything thought the subject matter, uh, matter as a dad and his sons, you know, like that's gonna-

Glenn: Yeah, [crosstalk].

Charlie: -that's gonna cut you to [unintelligible 00:44:44] Like if it's a movie about-

Rob: [crosstalk] Yeah, I mean that- that- I think-- Okay, so I-- Here's what I wrote. I wrote Ro-- I wrote Rocky because it's the first thing that popped into my head, but what I would say is that might-

Charlie: Rocky's gonna make you cry?

Glenn: That movie makes you cry.

Rob: Yeah, Rocky makes me cry, yeah-yeah.

Glenn: Okay.

Rob: If I think about it and talk about it too much, I'll probably start crying so I'm not going to do that. Uh bu-- U-uh, but Field of Dreams is a pretty-- That's a- that's a-

Charlie: Field of Dreams, there you go, yeah.

Rob: So that's a father-son story

Charlie: Father-son.

Rob: -that's, um, hard to deny.

Glenn: You're definitely right about the- the whole father-son thing anytime- anytime like a father-son thing happens. I'm like, "I can't- I can't handle it, man." It's like, it's so intense for me. Um-

Rob: But I would say in terms of Pixar movies, a-anybody who watches the first what, six minutes of Up and doesn't cry is not [crosstalk] to me.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: [crosstalk] 100%. Oh, you're right- you're right. That opening is a whole mindblowingly good [crosstalk]

Rob: I remember a moment with you, Glenn, where you said something about-- We were having this conversation. You were like, "If, uh, I'm not in the animated movies, they don't really make me feel-- I don't really care that much. I don't know that I can be emotionally invested." And I said, "Did you see Up?" And you said, "No." And I sat there and watched it with you. I was like, "Let's watch- let's watch this movie." And you [crosstalk]

Glenn: I think I might've cried.

Rob: You did, you did.

Glenn: Yeah. It's- it's- it's one of the best things ever [crosstalk].

Rob: One of the best openings to any movie ever.

Glenn: Yeah, it's incredible- it's incredible. How they make you care so-

Charlie: It's beautiful though.

Glenn: They make you care so much in such a short period of time right at the beginning. That's a-

Charlie: Fucking beautiful.

Glenn: For- for anyone who-- Any-anyone who understands filmmaking knows how difficult that is, to make people feel something deeply i-in-in the first five minutes of watching something is almost impossible.

Charlie: Yeah, sure. [crosstalk]

Glenn: It's almost impossible. And then you're emotionally invested in these characters right from the go. I mean, that is so difficult to do as a- as a filmmaker. Mad respect for the people that made Up, yeah.

Charlie: Mad respect.

Meg: Big Ups.

Glenn: Mad respect, big Ups.

Rob: Big Ups.

Glenn: Big Ups.


Charlie: Big Ups for Pixar, yeah.

Glenn: Big ups for Up.

Meg: Okay, this the last one for Rob. Rob has to give up either booze or sex. How does he kill himself? Sex rampage or booze rampage?

Rob: I mean-

Glenn: Got it.

Rob: Um, I feel like I'm [unintelligible 00:47:00] I sound like such an alcoholic. I drink one Manhattan a night.

Glenn: One big gulp of Manhattan.

Meg: Do you have more than just one sex a night or does that-

Glenn: [laughs] More than one sex.

Meg: -so maybe give up the booze?

Glenn: Oh, okay, I've got one.

Charlie: Uh, I went with sex. How you- how you not gonna-

Glenn: Sex rampage.

Charlie: Yeah, how you not gonna have a sex rampage? Drink, I mean?

Rob: Okay, th-th-- Hold on one second.

Charlie: Did you write booze?

Glenn: Guys, can you write a movie called Sex Rampage?

Charlie: Oh my God.

Rob: Can I- can I reframe the-- Can I- can I reframe the question for my- for myself just so I-- Am I married?

Meg: No, no.

Rob: Oh.

Meg: All right, he's changed his answer. All right [crosstalk]

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Charlie: That was very sweet of you to-to, yeah. To-to-to consider your- your wife and children in your hypothetical.

Glenn: Very safe.

Rob: Yeah, I assumed I-- If I'm gonna- if I'm gonna kill myself I wanna do it with virtue.


Meg: Okay, so the speed round is basically that I'm gonna ask you questions about who is the most whatever amongst the three of you.

Charlie: Got it [crosstalk]

Meg: And the consensus wins. So you write R, C or G and, um, you can write yourself if you feel like you're the person.

Charlie: Okay.

Meg: But whoever gets two out of three, uh, wins and then we give you the points for that. So, uh, the people who got it right.

Charlie: Okay.

Meg: So all right, here we go. Who has the most speeding tickets. I see G, G-

Glenn: Oh, shit, sorry.

Meg: G, okay. So you get-- All get one point for that. Who would survive the longest and a zombie apocalypse? [unintelligible 00:48:42] wow.


You guys are in agreement, all say Rob. Um, okay.

Charlie: I would just join the zombies like right away.


Glenn: Yeah [crosstalk] just get it over with, yeah?

Charlie: Uh, wait a second. What are we doing? Let's go eat some fucking brains.

Glenn: I like to go majority. What are we doing?

Charlie: [unintelligible 00:48:55] doing great let's go. Let's go boys. Let's go boys.


Meg: Okay, who-who is the best at keeping a secret?

Glenn: Oh, uh-

Charlie: I mean, I think all three of us would be good.

Rob: I, uh, yeah, I would- I would actually say, uh, I would say all of us.

Charlie: Well, that's [crosstalk] I think Glenn and I [crosstalk].

Meg: All right, well, Rob wins because he got the consensus.


Charlie: I was like-- I was- I was- I was writing-- I was gonna write R, C, G but I guess we can't do that.

Meg: If you all were to get chloroformed who'd have the best chance of fighting it off? Fighting like the person who is trying to chloroform you.

Charlie: Fighting the person?

Meg: Yeah, yeah, like who's trying to clarify you off?

Rob: Yeah, and Charlie, you and I are thinking the same.

Meg: Ready? 3, 2, 1 go.

Charlie: Yeah, Rob [unintelligible 00:49:43]

Meg: All right. Oh, [unintelligible 00:49:46]

Charlie: Do I need you give you the best at fighting the man?

Glenn: I think he'd be- I think he'd-

Rob: The rage man, the rage.

Meg: The rage.

Charlie: Yeah, but- but Rob's done all the karate shit and he lifts the weights and stuff.

Meg: Okay.

Rob: No, I would say that Glenn-Glenn would- Glenn would be the best at fighting off the drug taking off [crosstalk].

Glenn: I think that's more of what I was thinking.

Charlie: Yeah, I would agree with that, 'cause he's thought about it the most.

Glenn: Yeah, oh boy. Yeah, sure.

Meg: Okay, uh, who makes the best first impression? 3, [crosstalk]-

Glenn: Oh, I got-

Meg: -2, 1.

Charlie: I think that's me.

Glenn: Uh, I don't [crosstalk]-

Meg: Oh, Charlie.

Glenn: -I don't-I don't- I mean-

Meg: Speed round, guys.

Glenn: I-I, that-that's-that's-that's a- I-I feel like, we, all three of us make a good first impression, if-if I may.

Meg: Alright, this one will- this one will prove itself. Who is the fastest writer?

Glenn: Oh, pffrr.

Charlie: Oh, wait, wait, wait, do-- sorry, do you mean typing, [crosstalk]-

Meg: Scripts.

Charlie: -or do you mean like-

Meg: Yeah, I guess- I guess, all things considered, who gets scripts out the fastest?

Glenn: Uhh-

Meg: 3-3, [crosstalk] 2, 1. Charlie?

Rob: Sorry, yeah. I-I-I-I was-- I would've said Charlie.

Meg: Rob, you lost.

Rob: I lost.

Meg: Who ruins the most takes by laughing, or breaking? For those people that don't know that.

Charlie: That's a tough one, but-

Meg: 3, 2, 1.

Charlie: -I'm gonna say it's me.

Meg: [chuckles]

Charlie: Yeah, Rob's pretty- Rob-Rob's pretty bad.

Rob: I'm pretty bad.

Charlie: Rob, it could've been you or me- it could've been you or me.

Rob: It could've been.

Glenn: That's a toss-up.

Rob: I just went with my first instinct.

Glenn: That was a toss-up, but I lost.

Charlie: That was a toss-up.

Meg: Okay. And then the last question is, who is the most competitive?

Charlie: [whistles].

Glenn: Oh, I know.

Charlie: We're all pretty damn competitive.

Rob: You were all pretty competitive. I don't th- I don't know- I don't f- I don't know- I don't know but I-

Glenn: Let's be honest- let's be honest here. Let's be totally honest, okay? Go ahead, write it down.

Meg: [chuckles].

Charlie: Okay.

Glenn: Deep down inside, who's the most competitive?

Rob: [laughs] You write it down first.

Charlie: [crosstalk] -thing to say, Glenn.

Glenn: I already wrote it down.

Rob: Uh, oh, based on Glenn's tone, I'm-I'm gonna [crosstalk] immediately.

Glenn: Immediately. I wrote it down immediately.

Rob: Okay, fine. You don't think you are the more competitive?

Meg: Oh, Charlie.

Charlie: Yeah-yeah [crosstalk]-

Glenn: I think Charlie, by a mile.

Charlie: That's me.

Glenn: He di- you wouldn't think, [crosstalk]-

Rob: See, that's interesting-

Glenn: -like outwardly-- I know, it's not an outward- It's not an outward show. I would think that- I think that, outwardly, you would think that it would be you or I. But, I think [crosstalk]-

Rob: Yes, that's what I think- that's what I thought you were implying.

Glenn: -yeah, I do-I do think that Charlie is highly competitive, it's just that-

Charlie: Yeah, definitely.

Glenn: -he doesn't have- he doesn't have like the outward sort of, like, demeanor of, like, a highly competitive person.

Rob: I agree.

Glenn: And your also not like- your not- your not like-- I think often, like, high- super competitive dudes, are often, like, have the alpha male thing, and your- and-and--

Charlie: It depe- it-it depends on the thing in life, right? Like, if it's like us trying to make a great TV show, versus other TV shows out there, yeah, I have a competitive streak, right? If it's like, uh, you know, playing around a golf, ahh, I'm down playing to win, you know?

Glenn: Oh, yeah-yeah.

Charlie: I'm usually playing to play as good as I can. Um, but [crosstalk]-

Glenn: Your collaborati- your collaborative-your collaborative, and your- you-you know it's not-it's not like- it's not like- it's not like it's all about winning. But, when it is about winning, I'd say your the most competitive.

Charlie: Yeah, I like to do it.

Rob: Well, okay. We're about to find out who won this game. How-how are you feeling about that? Are you-- Do you want to win this game?

Charlie: Well, I tell you what, I did have a- when this was getting going, we're talking about points, and the first round, when I only got a half point, it did spike that little, like, competitor thing-thing in me, where I was like, "Oh fuck, I don't wanna get a fucking half point." And then I let it go, right? So, I do-I do-- And then I was writing, you know, low jokes and stuff. But, uh-


-Uh, but, I do have that thing where it's just like, yeah, like if-if it's a competition and if someone is like, laid down the rules, and I think that just comes from like, doing so much competing as a kid, like, always.

?Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: All I did wa- my kids-- My-my buddies, was play some kind of sports game, so much. So, like, it got hardwired, I don't know.

Glenn: But you pro- I mean, I-I-I feel- I feel like you feel like a little bit of an underdog, or did as a kid. Um-

Charlie: Maybe.

Glenn: And-and-and-

Charlie: I don't think I do anymore, but-

Glenn: My-my guess is that you-you, probably deep down, like, knew that you were capable of more than people gave you credit for, or-or thought that you were capable of, and so, there was this desire to prove it, you know what I mean?

Charlie: Mm, maybe, yeah.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: I mean, I think all three of us can be pretty competitive if [crosstalk]-

Glenn: Oh, without a doubt.

Charlie: -it got sparked.

Rob: Oh, we all have chips on our shoulders and are looking to prove something to somebody.

Glenn: Oh, yeah, absolutely [crosstalk]-

Charlie: I think most people are.

Glenn: -yeah, come one. All right, so, Meg, did you count [crosstalk]-

Meg: Okay.

Glenn: -did you tally it up?

Meg: I did tally it up, and according to my calculations, we have Rob with 10.5 points, Glenn's got 13 points, and Charlie has 13.5 points. [chuckles]

Rob: Fuck this game. Fuck that. That's bullshit. Fuck this.

Charlie: You know, I thought I didn't care, but then when you started talking about the points, I felt care in my body, you know [crosstalk]-

Glenn: See, there it is.

Charlie: -it felt like, "Oh, I want the most points, I want the cookie." You know?

Rob: Uh, give me the cookie.

Charlie: Give me the cookie.

Meg: I'll send you all cookies.

Charlie: I want the trophy.

Rob: I want Megan to think that I have more points.

Glenn: You want her to think that? Yeah-yeah-yeah.

Rob: I, uh, we've talked about this before, but I've-- A-a-and this is maybe for a different podcast, but, I've never beat Charlie in golf, ever.

Glenn: Ever?

Rob: Never.

Charlie: Yeah, but that's not totally fair, because I started playing way before you. Uh, and-

Rob: But, we've played 100 times, if not more.

Charlie: I'm-I'm better than you. [chuckles]

Glenn: Yeah-yeah, that's what he's saying. That's what Rob's saying.

Charlie: [crosstalk] I know.

Rob: Oh, and that's what I'm saying. It gnaws at me.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: I know, and it's kinda fun. Um.


Charlie: You just gotta put a little more work into it, and a little less time into things that matter, like work, and your family, you know. Put more time into just banging a ball around a field.

Glenn: Yeah, he's right Rob, you just don't have the dedication. Um, all right, guys. Well, this has been fun-

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: -uh-uh-uh, I love you. Man-man, do I love you, guys. Meg, I love you too.

Meg: Aww.

Glenn: That's the truth.

Meg: Thanks, I love you guys too.

Charlie: Thanks, Glenn. Thanks, man, back at you guys.

Rob: I love you, guys, too.

Glenn: Cut that- cut that.

[End Credits]


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