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Episode #22

Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead

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22. Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead

On the pod, the guys revisit Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 3, Episode 3.

Glenn Howerton: Uh, can I-- have we started yet?

Charlie Day: No, no. Let’s start now.

Rob McElhenney: How’s my hair? Is my hair okay, Glenn?

Glenn: Um

Rob: 'Cause I got a hat.

Glenn: It’s fine.

Rob: Yeah, but I just noticed we’re all wearing hats.

Charlie: Put your hat on.

Glenn: There’s one little part that’s a little--

Charlie: 'Cause it’s a little damp and with the top lighting it’s gonna look thin. And, uh–

Rob: Oh it’s gonna look thin. There’s nothing we can do about it. I’m 44.

Charlie: Oh, there’s plenty of shit you can do about it.

Glenn: There’s things you can do.

Charlie: Take a can of spray paint and just tsh tsh tsh.

Rob: Well, that’s what we do when we shooting.

Charlie: That’s what everybody does.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah. We’re in Hollywood, man.

Charlie: That’s their secret. They just take spray paint, spray your hair on.

Glenn: Yeah. Most people don’t realize that, like almost nobody in Ho--

Rob: And almost- and every female actor is wearing a wig. Oh, the vast majority.

Glenn: Well, if you’re on a TV show, and you’re- and you're one of the leads, and you’re an actress, uh, you’re most likely wearing a wig. And that’s not because you don’t have good hair, it’s because getting your hair done every single morning destroys your hair.

Rob: Yes

Glenn: It destroys it.

Charlie: Also it's so much faster to just -

Glenn: An hour or an extra hour. You just pop a wig on.

Charlie: - staple the wig on then…

Glenn: Why aren’t we doing that?

Rob: I know but it’s another reason for audience members to watch this bullshit that we putting out there into the world and s- and not try to live up to, like, imagine like a woman looking at another actor’s hair and being like, “Oh, I wish my hair was as thick and luxurious”.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: But it’s a wig.

Glenn: It's a wig.

Rob: It’s a wig ladies.

Charlie: I’ll tell you what too, in terms of like the men out there, pretty much like all your- all my favorite actors don’t have luxurious hair. Like when I really think about it.

Glenn: Right, right, right.

Charlie: The people that I like.

Glenn: All the best character actors.

Charlie: Yeah. I’m like--

Glenn: They just let it go.

Charlie: They just let it go.

Glenn: Yeah, Jack Nicholson

Rob: But why aren’t you letting yours go?

Charlie: Because it won’t look good on me. [laughs]

Glenn: See that’s what everybody thinks.

Rob: But that’s what everybody says.

Glenn: I think it would look, I think you’d look fine.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, no, I’ll start letting it go.

Glenn: You know what? I will say there’s certain--

Charlie: I’ve never shaved my head, by the way. I have no idea what it would look like. I could have another eyeball under there.

Glenn: No, no, listen, listen. You’ve got a good – shaped head. I can tell.

Rob: You’d look great. We’ve already talked about your head. You’ve got a great head.

Glenn: We’ve talked about your head.

Charlie: We don’t know what’s under there.

Glenn: Well, that’s true. It could be all lumpy.

Charlie: Could be all lumpy. Could be bumpy wumpy under there.

Glenn: Most people have lumpy heads. That’s weird.

Charlie: But that would be good character shit. You’d be like, “Ah man, that guy with the lumpy head.”

Glenn: Yeah. That’s cool

Charlie: He’s fucking awesome. See that dude with the lumpy head in the movie?

Glenn: Yeah, but then he’s limited to only playing lumpy headed characters.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glenn: You can only play lumpy-headed people. Otherwise they gotta fill it in with, like, you know.

Rob: You can make a whole sitcom about that. “The Lumps”.

Glenn: Yeah “The Lumpies”.

Rob: “The Lumpies.” That’s even better.

Glenn: “The Lumpies.” I will say there are certain balding patterns that I think are more attractive than others. Like I would say the least attractive balding pattern, and this is the most unfortunate in many ways, is when you’ve got somebody with a full head of hair and then it’s just missing right- and then just, it starts to go like right there. Like I would prefer to go bald in the way that Jack Nicholson went bald, where it just goes- it goes here.

Rob: Yeah, it looks cool.

Glenn: Yeah it just looks cooler. You got like a fucking point in the front.

Rob: But Jack’s also bald in the back too. You just don’t notice it.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob: I think that's what's happening with me.

Glenn: Yeah, same here. I'm thinning in the crown. It's not fun.

Rob: I think like the front, I mean, this has never been thick, but if I turn around right now-

Charlie: The three of us--

Glenn: It's a nightmare.

Rob: -a- all the- it's a nightmare back there. The mystery will be gone.

Charlie: We're all, almost all, half a century old.

Rob: I almost lost my mind last night 'cause I know you have a birthday coming up this week, right?

Charlie: Yeah I do.

Rob: And you're old, I almost shit myself.

Charlie: Yeah I know.

Rob: You're an old man but you don't look it.

Charlie: I know. Yeah.

Glenn: "I know."

Rob: Its amazing.

Charlie: But I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because Tom and Mary Day did not look old until like, I don't know, like their late 60s, early 70s and then they look, now they look 107. But it was just like--

Glenn: It took a minute for it to kick in.

Charlie: Yeah. They just had these genes that they looked young, young, young, young, young, and then wham. Really old.

Rob: Baseball bat of age.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So my theory about how to like, not upset the audience is just always be on camera, you know? Never stop being on camera.

Glenn: Oh right. So there's no gap.

Charlie: There's no gap. It's the gap that throws people off. Like when a guy goes away for a while and then comes back and people are like, "Oh shit."

Glenn: “Jesus Christ.”

Charlie: “What happened to that guy?”

Rob: Yeah. You're watching the process.

Charlie: If you watch people slowly deteriorate, you're fine with it.

Glenn: Yeah. You're okay with it. Yeah.

Rob: Well, in terms of dyeing the gray hair that I have, like there was a time where I was doing it on the sh- on the various shows Sunny and Mythic Quest is the show I do on Apple. And I, uh, will- will paint the grays out or I'll dye them. And then I would tell myself, "Well, no, I'm just doing the- the characters, like the characters, you know, we- we wanna stay like a certain thing." And then I was doing it and then we would stop shooting and then I would keep doing it.

Glenn: You'd continue doing it.

Rob: And then I would look at other guys and be like, "Oh, he looks cool. He's going like salt and pepper. That looks- that looks good."

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: But then I'm like, no--

Glenn: You can't pull the- it's hard to pull the trigger on it when you're an actor like, you're like, you wanna convince yourself, like I wanna convince myself that I can still play a guy in his like mid-30s if I really wanted to. But let's be honest. I mean, you know?

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: So I'm- I'm actually- I'm actually letting the grays come through here a little bit. I'm not sure if I'm gonna fully commit to that but, uh, but like this part right here is-- On to- on top I'm still, you know, pretty dark but like here, you know, it's pretty gray.

Charlie: For the listener at home here was the side of his head.

Glenn: Oh yeah, sorry. Sorry for the side of my-- But, you know, it occurred to me like, uh, 'cause I was, you know, sort of going through this like--

Charlie: But I hope no one's actually, sorry, listening to this part. We're gonna cut all this.

Rob: Cut that. Cut that.

Charlie: 'Cause this is so fucking boring.

Rob: So boring.


Charlie: Do we wanna dive right into this week's episode? Do we wanna talk about--

Glenn: I think we gotta talk about the poll.

Charlie: Okay. Let's jump back a little bit.

Glenn: Because I have a little bit of an issue with the poll.

Rob: Oh really?

Glenn: Yeah. I've got an issue with the poll. Okay? I have a feeling it was a little bit biased because a lot of the comments that I was reading were like-

Charlie: Were based on people's opinions?

Glenn: Well, no, it was--

Meg Ganz: Can you say what poll you're talking about?

Glenn: Oh, I'm sorry.

Charlie: So we had a poll on the internet. On Instagram. Instagram?

Meg: Yeah, on YouTube, everywhere.

Glenn: And Twitter.

Charlie: Oh okay.

Rob: And Twitter and YouTube.

Charlie: And it was just a thumbs up, or thumbs down, if you liked- if you thought the clicks was funny or- or if you thought the clicks ruined the scene.

Glenn: No, no, no.

Charlie: So here's how you're getting into the thing.

Glenn: Here's the problem. This is the fucking problem.

Charlie: Okay, what do you got?

Glenn: That is not what I was saying. That is not what I was saying. What I was saying was what I didn't like was the actual shooting of the gun. The clicks I like.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: Now this is where the poll got biased, because people misunderstood and they thought because- and because you did say, you were like, uh, you know, the firing is funny but what's-- I think you maybe even said "What's even funnier is when he runs outta bullets and the clicks afterwards." And I didn't respond to that, I just kept going, I was like, "No, it's not funny." But what I meant was that the actual shooting of the gun is what I didn't find funny. The clicks I found funny. But then I would also like to clarify, I do think it would be funny if it clicked- if it clicked five times- if he was gesturing with it and it clicked five times, and then on the last one he-he- a bullet went off. Like he forgot there was one in the cylinder.

Charlie: Isn't that what he did though? He shoots one and then he goes two, three, four, five with the clicks, and then the last one is six.

Glenn: No. He shoots the gun like fucking six times. It’s insane, and no one's reacted to it.

Rob: As if there was not a gun going off in the room, which it wasn't. Wait Meg, what was the actual question? Can we hear the question?

Meg: It was, uh, "Is Danny firing the gun funny or does it ruin the scene?"

Rob: I understand.

Glenn: Okay, so that's the other problem. I never said it ruined the scene.

Meg: By the way, that was the wording- that was the wording you guys wanted.

Glenn: But I never said-- But I wanna be clear about this also. I never said that it ruined the scene. So this is why I feel like the poll was biased. It was like, it as almost like you said, like you may as well have said like, "Was Danny firing the gun funny or is Danny on the show not funny?" You know what I mean? Like I didn't say that the scene wasn't funny.

Charlie: The poll seemed clear.

Rob: You’re saying that the results of this voting–

Glenn: Are biased.

Rob: Okay so, therefore null and void?

Glenn: It's null and void.

Rob: Okay.

Meg: I will say though the comment I liked the best was that they said, "The more that Glenn talks about how not funny it is, the funnier it becomes.”

Glenn: Right.

Meg: This will just make it funnier.

Glenn: I get that.

Charlie: I will say though, to your credit, I think out of, you know, the whatever, like say 107 people liked it, you know, there's two or three dudes that agree- agree with you that they didn't like it. Now--

Glenn: Yes, and the ones that agreed said, "I didn't like it because I felt like the gun going off was ridiculous." Basically, were their comments, and I was like that's the only thing I was reacting to.

Charlie: And that's the creative process. That's the whole thing. So like when we go into an editing room and we're like, "Okay, we have a funny idea." And there is no "is" when it comes to ideas about jokes. There's no like factual this is funny, that's not funny.

Glenn: No, It's all subjective.

Charlie: It's all what's pinging- it's pinging you. And it's pinging you as too false to be funny. And Rob and I are thinking it's true enough to get away with and be funny.

Glenn: Totally.

Charlie: And that's- and- and--

Glenn: And listen. And I'm- and I'm hyperbolic. I admit. You know what I'm saying? Like I- I- I--

Charlie: You're dug in.

Glenn: I'm reactive. No, no, no, no. I'm not dug in. I'm not dug in.

Charlie: You're not dug in. You're not dug in.

Glenn: I promise you I'm not dug in. I swear to God I'm not. But I am hyperbolic. You know what I mean? Like, so it may have come off like I was saying, you know, that the scene was ruined. But that was not my intention. I don't think the scene was ruined. Anyway, should we move past the poll?

Charlie: Yeah, we can move past the poll.

Rob: I mean I don't know, I think we wanna keep going. A lot of the comments--

Charlie: You just wanna poke the bear.

Rob: A lot of comments that I saw, more than anything else, well way more comments about, uh, about that episode had nothing to do with the dry firing and more to do with, uh, Glenn slowly morphing into Dennis in various episodes and how much people loved that.

Charlie: Well now, I wanna challenge that. Okay? Because there is the raging, angry Golden God Dennis which we found and love and love to use in the show. That character is not in this episode that we watched, uh, that we're gonna be discussing today. He's not a raging man.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: And he's a delightful guy in this episode. So there are other sides to the Dennis character that I think we should embrace.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: I'm not talking about the Dennis character.

Charlie: I know you're not.

Rob: I'm talking about Glenn on the podcast.

Charlie: Well, yes, but I'm saying same as-

Rob: Which the listeners and viewers are enjoying. Yes.

Charlie: - same as the show though, if we lean too hard into one lane -

Rob: Got it. Got it. Got it.

Charlie: - it gets old. It gets old, you know?

Glenn: Yeah, so don't poke the bear.

Rob: Don't poke the bear, okay.


Rob: Let the bear come out when the bear wants to come out.

Charlie: We'll poke it later. We'll poke it later.

Rob: Okay, okay, okay.

Glenn: Well, 'cause also like, yeah, I mean--

Charlie: See I think if the bear knows it's going to be poked it's not gonna get mad.


Glenn: No, it will. It will. It'll still get mad.

Rob: It will.

Glenn: The bear's stupid. The bear's not that smart.

Charlie: The bear's just a bear.

Glenn: He's just a dumb bear.

Charlie: He just doesn’t wanna get poked.

Charlie: Unless you got honey on that stick.

Glenn: Yeah, you could be poking--

Charlie: He's like, "You're poking me with a honey stick? Okay."

Glenn: "Okay, I can lick that off later. You know what I mean?"

Charlie: "Yeah, yeah, you're just poking me with a stick. Well, what is this?"

Glenn: "A regular stick with no honey on it? Get fucked."

Charlie: How long-- how many times you think you can poke a bear with a stick before it starts to slash at you?

Glenn: Uh--


Charlie: I think you--

Rob: I'm gonna say-

Charlie: I think you--

Rob: -not that many.

Charlie: I think you could get six pokes in.


Rob: Is the bear asleep? Is the bear hibernating?

Charlie: No, no, no. It's just--

Glenn: Have you- have you covered yourself in something to cover up your smell? Does he know you're there?

Charlie: No, no, no, you're just you, and-and the bear--

Glenn: So he can smell you?

Rob: In the scenario, you're you, okay.

Charlie: Yeah, the bear's not around. It's not protecting his child, right? The bear's just doing his business.

Glenn: Just a bear like foraging for whatever.

Charlie: And it's-it's--

Glenn: It's in a good mood even, say.

Charlie: This is 2022, so it's used to people everywhere, and you go up to the bear and you're in the park and then you're like, "Wow, I'm getting right up to this bear." [chuckles]

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: And you poke it with a stick once and the bear's like, "Huh, what the fuck was that?"

Glenn: "You gotta be- you gotta be fucking kidding me, right?"

Charlie: You know what I mean?

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: You poke it again and the bear's like, "Oh, what's this guy doing?" You poke it a third time, the bear's like, "I'm getting a little agitated here."

Glenn: That's three.

Charlie: You poke it a fourth time and the bear's like, "Is this guy serious?"

Glenn: "Are you're fucking kidding me?"

Rob: What if he's checking it for honey though? I mean, like--

Charlie: No, no, you poke it the fifth time, and the bear's like, "All right, dude. Forget this guy. I don't know what is it."

Glenn: "I might have to teach- I might have to teach him a lesson."

Charlie: You poke it the sixth time and the bear's like, "You dead."

Rob: So you think-

Glenn: Wait, he swats him, and then he's like--

Rob: -you get five pokes of the bear?

Charlie: I think--

Glenn: Six, he's saying six.

Charlie: I think you could poke a bear six times before he--

Glenn: He just explained the prank. He just explained the whole--

Rob: I know, but he-he got away with it five times-

Glenn: Got away with the five.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob: -and on the sixth time-

Glenn: He got swiped.

Rob: -he got swiped, yeah.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: I-I think with about at least like, a six-foot stick. I'm not saying you know, like it's so close to you 'cause the bear's got-- you know--

Rob: Well, you're gonna wanna-- you wanna be-- you wanna do this safely.

Charlie: One, two. [laughs]

Rob: You wanna stab the bear with a stick safe-- from a safe distance.

Glenn: Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, okay.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glenn: Disclaimer guys, there is no safe distance, uh-

Charlie: [laughs] Yeah.

Glenn: -to poke a bear.

Rob: Nor is it appropriate to poke any animal with a stick for real.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you probably could just poke it once in reality.

Glenn: Yeah, guys, this episode brought to you by PETA.

Rob: We have a lot of that.

Charlie: Oh, here's another thing too. Rob, have you been watching the episodes?

Rob: Yes.

Charlie: I kinda- I kinda watch every episode now and being like, "I wonder if Rob's actually watching them, son of a bitch."

Rob: Not-not--

Glenn: Oh.

Rob: Not only have-have I--

Charlie: You broke our trust.

Rob: No, totally fair. Not only have I watched every episode, I went back and watched the politics episode.

Charlie: Good.

Glenn: Oh, you did?

Charlie: Okay, good.

Rob: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

Glenn: Okay.

Rob: And-and also now, I've recruited Kaitlin to watch them as well. She's very excited.

Charlie: Oh, yeah.

Glenn: Oh, I like her. She's funny.

Rob: We have no memory--

Charlie: She's very funny.

Glenn: She's funny.

Rob: We have no memory of- of like half the shit's that happening. Like the knives thing from-from this episode we were--

Glenn: Oh yeah, actually, can we talk about that for a second? So as I recall, I mean, the-the whole thing of us doing the countdown, that was not in the script.

Rob: Yeah, no, 'cause we're laughing through that.

Glenn: That-- yeah, you guys were just fucking straight-up laughing through it.

Charlie: We're straight up laughing, but it totally works.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, because you're like what they do every character.

Charlie: Same with-- they would be laughing at–

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: The potential of throwing knives at the--

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: I-I have a thing where I watch the episodes, and this is just a- a creative weakness, but where every time I watch, I have this like, battle in my mind of like, "Were we better? Were we doing it better?"

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: "Was this funnier?" Like, do you guys have that? Do you struggle at all with that? I struggle with that all the time.

Glenn: No.

Charlie: I'm just constantly comparing stuff in my-- and then doubting, which I think that's really just fear and doubt.

Glenn: The first two seasons I felt that-- I definitely did not feel that. Um, I felt we-- we're doing it better now. Most of the times I was watching and I'm like, "I get why that was funny at the time, but it's not- that's not- I would never make that joke now.”

Charlie: Mm.

Glenn: Uh, once-- now that we're into season three, like this last episode, Dennis and Dee's Mom Is Dead, uh, that one made me laugh from start to finish and I was like, "I stand by this fully," but--

Charlie: This is a really good episode. Like, this is I think the first time that we started making every character a little bit stupid.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: You know?

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: I mean, Danny's reaction to hugging when he finds out that-that Stephen Collins [chuckles]-

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: -has been working with people with AIDS-

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: -it-- well, I completely forgot about that.

Glenn: Also, look, can we talk about his perform- like-

Charlie: Oh, yeah.

Glenn: -this is such- this is such a great actor, this Danny Devito guy.

Rob: Yeah, we found-- we got-- we -we struck gold when we found this guy.

Charlie: "Burn these clothes."

Glenn: We struck gold. Yeah, you know.

Rob: We found this guy and we--

Charlie: "Burn these clothes."

Glenn: I can't believe nobody had ever, you know, discovered this guy before. I mean, he's incredible.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Well, like, no, his-his turn from like, you know, going from the grift to just immediately like-

Charlie: [chuckles] Dropping it?

Glenn: -"AIDS?"

Charlie: "You touch anybody?" [laughs]

Glenn: "Did you touch anybody?" Just immediately–

Charlie: I mean, that- that's so stupid for his character and I-I love that. Now, there's a guest actor in this episode and I don't wanna name the person because this-this-this story I'm gonna tell is sort of a personal story. Uh, but it-- he-- it was this actor's first ever audition for anything.

Rob: Oh, yeah.

Charlie: Oh, well, so we had met him I guess after season one or two and, uh--

Glenn: Well, he's friends with our makeup artist, Leah Vautrot.

Charlie: Yeah, and he said that he had his first ever audition for a movie, television, anything, and it was for our show. And, um, he went-- our casting director at the time was a guy named John Papsidera, when we started the show.

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: And he goes to John Papsidera's office, and he's as nervous as can be, right? He's never auditioned for anything, and he's got his head shots and his-his-- he knows his lines, he's ready to go, and suddenly, he has this like rumble in his stomach of like, you know, and that like, taste in your mouth and the sweat of like--

Glenn: Taste in your mouth?

Charlie: [laughs] Oh, well, I don't know. It's just like, the dry mouth maybe.

Glenn: What's the taste in your mouth? Okay, right.

Charlie: Yeah, like a dry mouth situation that you're about--

Glenn: Or the watery- the watery--

Rob: Well, that's usually vo-vomit.

Glenn: Well, that's vomit.

Charlie: Yeah, that's vomit.

Rob: This is-- that's not where this is going.

Glenn: All right, sorry.

Charlie: Well, this is coming at the other end. So he realizes he-he's gonna have diarrhea. Like he-he's like, "There's no way. I'm not having diarrhea, and it's,"--

Glenn: Vomit of the anus.

Charlie: "It's-it's coming real-really bad.”

Rob: God.

Charlie: And- and yeah.

Glenn: It's coming.

Charlie: And it's--

Glenn: He said-- it-- yeah.

Charlie: So he goes to the bathroom, but just before he gets to there, uh, someone, some actor or actress goes in and they lock the door, and he's-he's waiting. He's waiting, and he can kinda hear the person in there like, rehearsing their lines, and they're like taking forever.

Meg: Oh.

Glenn: Oh, fuck. Jesus, come on.

Charlie: And he like taps on the door, but they're not coming out and then he's like, "I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it." So he goes in the alleyway behind the casting office and there's like a dumpster there-

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: -and he-he doesn't quite make it. He-he has diarrhea in his pants. He pulls his pants down, and he's like, "Oh, my God, this is a mess."

Glenn: “This is a mess.”

Charlie: He-he- he's trying to salvage this situation. He has no toilet paper, so he's wiping his butt with his own headshots.

Meg: [laughs] Oh, my God.

Rob: [laughs] And the sides.

Charlie: [laughs] And the sides, yeah.

Rob: Pieces of paper and photographs of himself.

Charlie: He's wiping his ass with pictures of himself.


Rob: There's never been a greater metaphor for Hollywood.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean- I mean, just like--

Meg: Oh, my God.

Charlie: It's something out of like a, you know, like, a Ben Stiller comedy.

Glenn: Absolutely, right. Straight out of a-- yeah.

Charlie: And so as the story goes, he realizes, "I'm done. There's-there's no-- I can't do the audition. I gotta go home." And he gets in his car and his pants are so ruined and their smell- the car smells so bad that he, like, takes them off, and like, I don't know if he throws them out the window or whatever, but he's driving home with no pants on. And as he's driving home with no pants on, he gets rear-ended.

Meg: [laughs] Oh my God.

Charlie: He gets rear-ended. Now, the rest is kinda hazy for me. Like I remember, I think it's like a homeless guy who looks in the window and starts yelling like, "That dude's got no pants on." And anyway, so we heard this story and then I think we heard it. He auditioned again. He-- 'cause we didn't just like, automatically give him a part. We had to make sure he could--

Glenn: I think-- yeah, I know, he auditioned for that.

Rob: He-he did but we-we found out about it after he had auditioned it.

Charlie: Oh, that's right. That's right.

Rob: So we probably would have just given it to him anyway-

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob: -because of that. But then he read for it and was great and we were like, "Yes, you have- you have earned this role."

Meg: Do you guys have any terrible audition stories? Like your worst auditions you ever went into?

Glenn: Mm, that's a good question. Oh, God, worst audition.

Rob: So many.

Glenn: Yeah, but nothing like that.

Rob: So many.

Glenn: Right? No-nothing where your pants were filled with diarrhea or you-you-you know.

Charlie: I mean, yeah, it's like to-to go from that, any story is gonna be a step down at this point from that story. I think that's–

Glenn: I can't-- I-I barely remember, uh, my days of auditioning. [laughs] It's crazy.

Charlie: You- you have to delete it.

Glenn: It's like a whole different era of my life.

Charlie: I do remember I-I--

Rob: Just constant reje-rejection.

Charlie: I had been given a terrible advice. Uh, I was- I was a sophomore in college and I decided, "Oh, maybe I wanna go to acting school." And so I applied to BU and I did the audition, and I remember the one acting teacher at my college gave me some pretty bad advice which was-- he's like, "You don't have to do a monologue. Do a scene and just do your half of the scene."


Meg: What?

Charlie: So yeah, yeah, I know. It's really bad advice. So I did- I did something like from Hurleyburley and like, I would say like, my line and then pretend I was hearing a response, so I'd be like, "It's the menus, Karen." You know, like, "You-you're not even looking at the menu." Pause, pause, pause.


Charlie: "Oh, really? Oh, really? You- you would say that." You know like that, like of course--

Glenn: Rap-at-ata.

Charlie: Yeah, well, I didn't get in, of course. It didn't go well. It didn't go well.

[theme music]

Charlie: Um, uh, the dick flyer. We gotta talk about the dick flyer.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Let's talk- let's talk about the dick flyer. Do you guys remember? Whose idea was that? I-I don't remember who came up with that. Was that--

Charlie: That feels like a Marder/Rosell joke to me, but I don't know.

Glenn: Well, I think, uh, I think we were talking about, uh, I-I think-- I-I-I think it occurred to us in the moment, like, we were pitching different ideas of like what should the shape of the flyer be and somebody pitched a bicep, and then I think somebody was like, "If you turn that upside down-

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: -"that would probably look like a dong," and then, uh, you know, because that was who we were and still are, uh, we decided that that was the funniest shape for the- for the flyer.

Charlie: It absolutely is. I can't imagine a better joke for that sequence. There are a lot of things I feel like from this episode that sort of endured and stayed. Um, none of which I can now recall or remember.

Rob: Dooley's dead. Well that whole scene-- I mean, what I love about that particular scene when we're talking about all- all the people that we're gonna invite to the party mansion, and like to me, it distills exactly what we were trying to do. Which is like, these guys, the-the joke isn't, "Oh isn't it funny that these guys are like homophobic?" That wasn't it at all. It's that they don't even realize what they're doing -

Glenn: No, right.

Rob: - 'cause they're so stupid. So that's like perfectly distilled in that scene, in the party mansion, where-where-where-- when I open up my flip phone and I'm like, "I'm gonna like go through my contacts list" and I only have two numbers saved.

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: Dennis and Charlie. And then everybody else that we talk about, we have either burned or has killed themselves, or doesn't wanna hang out with us. And then we go and torture these other two people to show that, like, th- this how we've alienated ourselves.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: It's the first time we took the characters to that place where we're like, these people are so extreme that they've actually alienated everyone. By the way, all those names were like college buddies of mine. All those- those nicknames.

Rob: Yes. Stach and--

Charlie: Everybody had a nickname.

Glenn: And you brought--

Charlie: Stach, who got his nickname because he was afraid of pistachios. [laughs]

Rob: That's wild.

Glenn: I thought that was a mustache reference.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was a pistachio reference.


Rob: I just remember on that day which we shot in that actual house that we-- that's in the-in the exterior shot, um, Nick Grad, who is the executive at FX-

Glenn: Oh God.

Rob: -who's basically like the- the boss, right?

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Who came that day.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: And I remember he was behind the monitors. It was the first time that FX-- 'cause they kinda were like pretty hands off. They would just be like, "Okay, just deliver the episodes." And he was like, "No, I live in the area." So he came by that day. And I remember us not being able to get through that scene. We were laughing so hard and like-- that we were like wasting so much time.

Glenn: There's a lot of it in the bloopers.

Rob: Yeah. And I just remember at one point looking over at Nick, who was sitting at the producer's monitors, and he was laughing as hard as we were. He was like cry laughing.

Glenn: Nick Grad was?

Rob: Yes. And I was like--

Glenn: Stone-faced Nick Grad?

Rob: And I was like, "Yeah. Thank God." Like we-- If-if Nick is laughing as hard at this, then I think we're in good shape.

Glenn: Yeah. We're okay.

Charlie: Nick's a good laugher. I mean not so much in like a business pitch meeting, but like--

Glenn: He's tough on a pitch.

Charlie: Yeah. That's his job. He's hearing them all day.

Rob: He's hearing 50 pitches every day.

Glenn: I get it.

Charlie: But when you're seeing the actual goods, you're seeing the performance, it's funny.

Glenn: Oh, when you're seeing the goods.

Charlie: When you're-- If you were pitching that scene to him, it wouldn't be as funny.

Glenn: Mh-hmm.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: I noticed this was the first episode, I think, credited to Matt Shakman.

Glenn: Yeah. I-I-I yeah. I think so.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Matt Shakman who uh, to quote the Big Lebowski, directed the bulk of the series. Bulk of the series dude.

Glenn: Bulk of the series.

Charlie: Bulk of the series, dude.

Glenn: Yeah, at least for a while.

Charlie: At least.

Glenn: I don't know if he's-- Well, he's probably is still.

Rob: He moved on, to Madmen and Game of Thrones and-

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: He does the-- what's that Disney show?

Glenn: WandaVision.

Charlie: WandaVision.

Rob: WandaVision.

Glenn: He directed all the WandaVisions, Matt Shakman. God, I miss that guy. I love him so much. He's so talented.

Rob: Brian Unger.

Charlie: Oh, Brian Unger.

Rob: He's amazing. This is the first scene with the lawyer-

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: -and he like-- I feel like he got our humor, like, immediately.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: He understood exactly what was funny about it and then made it way funnier than it was even on the paper.

Glenn: Truly fantastic.

Charlie: I mean, that scene where he's reading the will and you're yelling at him about the will, [laughs] and then you're yelling at him to tell Barbara stuff.

Glenn: Yes. “Tell–”

Charlie: You know-you know that she's dead.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: I remember-I remember sitting with Hornsby. I mean, Hornsby and I are credited with writing the episodes but as we said many, many times, nobody really writes. We're all writing it together.

Glenn: Right.

Rob: But I do remember being in a room with Hornsby and figuring out the idea that it would be funny if they were not- not clearly misunderstanding, but almost like subconsciously misunderstanding that this man was not the person who was actually writing the words that he was saying.

Charlie: That's hilarious.

Rob: And that they could somehow connect back to Barbara and communicate with Barbara.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: That's how like locked off they are.

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: And it worked.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: It works really well.

Glenn: It's really funny.

Meghan: The pauses he takes when he's like, "Your fat monkey heart."


Glenn: When he realizes he's about to read something that's gonna trigger a response he's like [laughs], he's like, "I have to read this. I have to read–"

Charlie: I wonder, how-how many episodes has he done?

Glenn: Unger? Uh, I don't know.

Charlie: Yeah. Six? Five? Six?

Glenn: We haven't had him-- Have we had him on? I feel like the last time we had him on was when we did that uh-

Charlie: The trial.

Rob: Court room.

Glenn: The court room.

Charlie: The trial with the big fake hands.

Glenn: Trial scene. Yeah.

Rob: McPoyle versus McPoyle.

Glenn: We gotta have him back. I used to love him so much.

Meghan: Six episodes.

Charlie: Six.

Glenn: That's it? God, I feel like he's been in so many.

Rob: Well, we talk about him a bit. Like we're always threatening each other with like, I'm gonna call him.

Glenn: Right.

Rob: He's gonna come in and fix it for us 'cause he's my lawyer. [laughs]

Glenn: He's my lawyer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


Glenn: No matter how many times he undermines us, he's still our guy. That's our guy. Well, we expect that from-- you expect that from a lawyer, right?

Rob: Sure.

Glenn: You're like, yeah. Anyway, um, what else? I'm gonna consult my notes here guys. I-I had Ross print out my notes so that it doesn't look like I'm just looking at my phone.

Charlie: I love that. There you go.

Glenn: That's a little bit more professional.

Charlie: That's good. That's a good question. Dead air.


Rob: You know what I really like about this? I like that, uh, well first of all we do something that we don't normally do. We did a little bit in the politics episode, but when we cut outside in the hallway and Bruce Mathis is walking away and he calls Tracy or whatever his-

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: -assistant says, it's unclear who he's calling, and says--

Glenn: “Clear my schedule.”

Rob: Yeah. And says, "Clear my schedule. I'm gonna-I'm gonna teach my-my-my daughter a lesson." And then-and then we watch as he tries to do that. But at every turn, I was watching it with Kaitlin last night, and I was like, "Wait, what?" So he says, "I'm gonna need you two to make love." Right?

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: So the assumption is, the character's thinking, "There's no way they're gonna take it this far, right?"

Glenn: Right.

Rob: And then you cut to them in robes on the bed. And I was like, just as we're-as we're thinking about what those characters are thinking, what? They took it already this far.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: And then I was like, "This is so stupid. Why would they-- Why would we assume that the characters would go this far with it?" I remembered us having a similar conversation when we were writing it and then we were like, "Let's lean all the way into that." Which is that the whole point of the story is to watch as Bruce Mathis tries to push them as far as he possibly can. And they keep going all the way through with it.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: All the way along with it.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: To the point where he says, "Let's get married," and lets' get-- "I'll-I'll marry you," and they say, "Okay." And then they do it.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: And he can't believe it cause there's no-there's no-- he can't go any further.

Glenn: There's no, yeah. There's no line.

Rob: There's no line that they're not gonna cross over.

Charlie: I remember debating whether or not to keep the phone call in, right?

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: That's right.

Charlie: So we have a moment where he's in the hallway and he says, "I'm gonna teach these guys a lesson." -

Glenn: Is it better if we know that he knows and he's doing a thing? Or is it- or is it better if we don't know that he's doing a thing? Um, that was the debate.

Charlie: I feel like nowadays we wouldn’t keep that little bit of phone call in. We would say, "Let's let the audience connect those dots in their mind, that–" But it is a good setup-

Glenn: It's good though.

Charlie: -for the comedy of those scenes. Which is probably why we ultimately kept it.

Glenn: I think it's good. Yeah. I think it's funnier that we know what he's doing and I stand by that choice. But I think if we didn't do it-- if we wouldn't put that scene in now, it would only be because we just don't cut to characters outside of our characters anymore.

Charlie: Or we would assume that you'd either- you'd either know, right? You'd either watch and be like, "I bet he's doing this."

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: Or you wouldn't know, you'd watch and you say, "Well, I don't know. He might be doing that. He might be not." And then it's a fun reveal when you find out that he was.

Glenn: Right.

Rob: Glenn, we cut outside of our uh, main characters on Friday, uh, on the podcast, our main characters being you, me, and Charlie. We cut outside. When you left we, uh-

Glenn: What do you mean?

Rob: -we cut outside of you and we-we-we-we called. We had a-a listener call in who's a big part of the show.

Glenn: What?

Rob: And it was fine. But you know what? It's better with you.

Glenn: Who called? Oh, thank you. Yeah.

Rob: You almost got replaced.

Glenn: By? Who called in?

Rob: Kaitlin Olson.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: All we heard was *NOISE* I mean, it was unlistenable.

Rob: It's bad enough we gotta listen to Meg's voice, now we gotta listen to hers too? It's like good Lord, I can't.

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: Dudes only. Bros only.

Glenn: You know what? Um, I disagree. I love women. I love women.

Charlie: Same. Same.

Rob: I was so happy when we did the call-in show.

Charlie: It's been really hard working with you for so long, just because of how toxic you are.


Glenn: It's very toxic. Yeah.

Charlie: It's just so toxic, man.

Glenn: Toxic.

Charlie: And Meghan, I'm sorry for your toxic, uh, friend here.

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah, sorry you have to put up with that. I know it's difficult.

Meghan: Thanks guys.

Charlie: So much Topstick. I don't know.

Glenn: [laughs] No one knows what Topstick is, unless you're like a costumer.

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: Isn't that what people put on for their like toupees? I might need to look into that.

Glenn: Uh-huh. You look into Topstick. It's-it's-it's a- I believe it's double-sided tape, right?

Charlie: Two-sided tape. Yeah.

Glenn: So if you've got a shirt-- If you're in a scene and you've got a shirt with buttons and it's bunching--

Charlie: It's getting that little hole.

Glenn: That little hole. Sometimes they'll come and put a little Topstick on there-

Rob: Yep.

Glenn: -to keep it--

Charlie: Stick your shirt together. And they stick your hair on. They stick your shirt together.

Rob: That's what I'm saying. Once again, the audience is at home going like, "How does he get his shirt in between the buttons so flat?" My sense of self worth is destroyed by the fact that that man can keep his shirt so straight.

Glenn: Yeah, mine's always--

Rob: Turns out it's Topstick.

Glenn: It's just Topstick. Yeah. Everything's Topstick. You're sticking hair on. Yeah. You're sticking makeup on. You're sticking tan stuff on. You're sticking, you know, somebody else's clothes on.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Rob: You got makeup on.

Glenn: You got makeup on. You got, you know? Yeah, it's a whole thing.

Rob: Someone's writing the words you're saying.

Charlie: It's almost like you're like creating like the illusion, like a fake reality of-of life or something, you know? It's almost like you're trying to do that. You know?

Rob: Right.

Glenn: You know what I appreciate? I appreciate that The Rock is bringing back baggy clothes. You know what I mean? Like he wears shit that's like--

Charlie: Is he?

Glenn: Have you seen his fucking-- He-- He'll put a suit on, his shirt will be tight, right? But his pants. Holy Shit.

Charlie: He's got some loose pants?

Glenn: They're baggy as fuck. They're baggy as fuck.

Charlie: Really? Sweet dude.

Rob: They have to be specially made, right?

Glenn: Oh yeah.

Rob: I mean, how do you–those things are massive.

Glenn: Everything's specially made for The Rock. Come on. Come on. How tall is he? Is he tall also?

Rob: Six.

Charlie: No, no, no. He's 4'8".

Rob: He's 4'8"?

Charlie: Yeah, yeah.

Rob: He's big. He’s like 6’4.

Charlie: They always have him stand really close to camera so he seems big. And the rest of the cast is way far behind him. But he's right up there, right up close to the lens, and they make tiny cars for him to drive around in and stuff.


Rob: Tiny muscle cars.

Charlie: Rob's laughing because he knows that I- I told this, like, some kid this once like, uh, like, uh, man. A long time ago Mary Elizabeth was like working at the YMCA. I think it was like season one of Sunny and some kid was like, "What you do?" I'm like, "Huh?" He said, "What you do?" I'm like, "I don't know. I'm like I'm an actor." He's like, "You ever met Vin Diesel?" I'm like, "Oh yeah, dude." He's like, "Is he badass?" I'm like, "No. He's really small." He said, "What are you talking about?" I'm like, "He's really tiny, man." He's like, "What about those- those cars he drives?" "They make tiny cars for him. They make, like, tiny little cars for him to drive around in." I don't know.

Megan: The- the internet says he's 6'5, Dwayne Johnson.

Rob: Wow.

Charlie: Wow. Is he really?

Glenn: Wow.

Megan: That's what the internet says but if you want-

Charlie: That's awesome. Good for him

Megan: -I can look up what the internet says you guys-

Glenn: Yeah. Let's see what it says-

Megan: -your heights-

Glenn: -about us and see if it's accurate.

Megan: -and then see how accurate--

Glenn: Yeah. I know it's not. The internet says I'm 5'10 and I'm not.

Charlie: You taller?

Rob: You taller than that?

Megan: You must be taller than that.

Glenn: I am taller.

Charlie: Why has the internet shortened you?

Glenn: I- I don't know why the internet-

Charlie: How-

Glenn: -would do that to me.

Charlie: -dare.

Glenn: How dare the internet. I'm 5'10 and a half.

Charlie: I'll tell you what's some bullshit on the internet. That-- Those whole net worth things.

Rob: Oh.

Glenn: Oh, those are fun.

Charlie: Those are fun but I-

Glenn: Those are fun but they're total bullshit.

Charlie: -I wish they were real.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: But they're not real. Uh--

Rob: Megan, what's our- what's our net worth?

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: No, no, no.

Glenn: Go- go to the net worth.

Charlie: What's our height first?

Glenn: What's everyone's net worth?

Rob: What's our height?

Charlie: What's our height? That's-- What's our height? How tall am I?

Rob: Wait, let's guess this. Are they going to guess you taller or shorter or dead or right on?

Glenn: I'm actually not even certain how tall you are. 5'7?

Charlie: With a pair of shoes on. Take my shoes off-

Glenn: Okay. 5'6.

Charlie: -I'm probably 5'6 and three quarters.

Glenn: That's what we're talking about. With no shoes on.

Megan: Uh, the internet says 5'7 for you, Charlie.

Charlie: Okay. That's rounding up.

Megan: Rob, 5'10.

Glenn: What the fuck.

Rob: That's pushing it.

Megan: -And Glenn, 5'10 as well. [chuckles]

Glenn: Oh, we're the same height. [laughs]

Glenn: Oh, we're the same height. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's clear.

Rob: Look, the internet says it.

Charlie: If the internet says it-

Rob: The internet says it.

Charlie: -it is so.

Rob: Yeah.

Megan: It claims that Charlie's worth $30 million.

Charlie: Oh, my. Can I take that to the- can I cash that in?

Rob: Wow.

Charlie: Can I take that to the bank?

Megan: I mean, I don't know.

Charlie: That's some fucking bullshit, man. I should be.

Glenn: You should have $30 million.

Charlie: God dammit.

Glenn: Yeah. How much- how much do- do I have?

Megan: Uh, it says Rob's worth $50 million.

Rob: Oh, 50.

Megan: - which is--

Rob: What?

Charlie: Why are you worth so much than me?

Rob: Why am I worth almost double-- What?

Glenn: Well, that-- Is that because--

Megan: And Glenn, 25.

Charlie: [laughs]

Rob: Aw.

Charlie: The internet hates you, man.

Glenn: That hurts. That hurts.

Charlie: The internet thinks-

Rob: What is that based on?

Charlie: -you're short and poor.


Rob: And I'm tall and rich.

Charlie: And you're tall and rich.

Rob: I love the internet.

Glenn: They're building you up and tearing me down. But this is what the internet does, isn't it?

Charlie: Oh.

Glenn: It takes the- takes the biggest star and tries to tear them down. That's what the internet does, man.

Charlie: They made the Rock 6'5. [laughs] He must be like, 7'10.

Rob: But what- what is crazy about that shit though is how often-- We'll recognize, right, that all of those numbers are off and yet, when someone's like, "Hey, did you know that the Rock-- What does it say the Rock was worth?

Megan: Yeah. I was just-

Rob: Because whatever the number is--

Megan: -about to look it up.

Charlie: Yeah. I'll--

Rob: Whatever the number is, I'll believe it.

Charlie: I'll believe it.

Rob: I'll believe it.

Charlie: And I'll still believe it.

Megan: Uh, it says 800 million.

Rob: I believe that.

Charlie: I-I don't believe it.

Glenn: I actually do believe that.

Charlie: I don't believe it.

Glenn: I do believe that.

Charlie: Get out of here.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Charlie: 800 million? What with taxes and all the- all the people that he has-

Glenn: No. Buddy--

Charlie: -that he's got to pay that are working under him.

Glenn: His Tere-- His Tere-- They haven't-- Have--

Charlie: No way.

Glenn: They haven't sold Teremana yet-

Charlie: No way.

Glenn: -but I think it's- it's some- something like four times like the-- I think it's like, worth $4 billion.

Rob: But still if it's- if it's called celebrity net worth, right?

Megan: Yeah. That's what I thought. [chuckles]

Rob: Okay, so that means that after tax-- You're saying that he's made one point-- I mean, $1.6 billion?

Glenn: I think that's possible. No, no. More- more than that. More than that.

Rob: More than that. Yeah, because agents and--

Glenn: You're not- you're not--

Rob: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glenn: He's not taking home 50%.

Rob: So he's-- So you're saying the Rock, his income has been well over $2 billion?

Glenn: I-I think if you count-- If- if you-

Charlie: No.

Glenn: -look at his movies.

Charlie: No.

Glenn: His movies, his endorsements, his energy drink, his tequila, his shoes, his clothes. The man--

Charlie: Is rocking it.

Rob: He's- he's rock- he's rocking it.

Charlie: He's rocking it.

Rob: He's rocking it. $2 billion is a lot of income.

Charlie: Why are you getting more money-

Glenn: Because of Kaitlin.

Charlie: -than me?

Glenn: Because of Kaitlin.

Charlie: No. That's not--

Glenn: It's not his combined net worth?

Charlie: That's-- No.

Glenn: That's not combined?

Rob: I don't know. Is it combined?

Charlie: Oh, I don't know. I don't--

Rob: Let's see if Kaitlin Olsen has her own separate-- Because now, we're about to add these together, guys.

Charlie: Oh, Jesus.

Rob: If she's got her own separate, we're going to take the 50 and--

Megan: Oh, no. It says 50 million for her too.

Rob: Fuck.

Charlie: Oh, that's combined. They combined it.

Rob: That's all we have?

Charlie: Oh, that's how they did it.

Megan: Yeah. Net worth is combined with her husband.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Mm.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Okay.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: See, my wife makes documentaries about social issues so she's not making millions and millions of dollars but she is making the world a better place.

Megan: By the way, it says she's 5'8.

Charlie: Kaitlin?

Glenn: She's-- That's probably right.

Rob: That sounds about right, yeah.

Glenn: Yeah.

Megan: Oh, really?

Glenn: Yeah. She's probably 5'8.

Rob: Yeah. I'm- I'm- I'm-- Honestly, I'm 5'9 so I'm- I'm an inch-- I think I'm an inch taller than her because when she wears heels, she's taller than me.

Glenn: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She towers over you. Oh, we're aware.

Rob: She can see that bald spot from-

Glenn: It's embarrassing.

Rob: -every direction.

Charlie: She does seem tall. [chuckles]

Rob: She's a tall lady. She's very skinny too.

Glenn: She's long.

Charlie: 5'8--

Glenn: She's long.

Charlie: 5'8's not that tall though.

Rob: Her- her arms are so long.

Glenn: Right. She's got a wingspan.

Rob: I mean, when we're at home-

Charlie: A wingspan.

Rob: -she can reach up and grab everything.

Charlie: So if there's--

Rob: She's the one grabbing things.

Glenn: [laughs]

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. If there's a jar, you're asking her for-- Yeah.

Rob: Oh yeah. Buddy, she- she's got--

Glenn: Is she opening jars?

Rob: She can reach- she can reach higher than you. These arms are ridiculous. We've measured her this way so--

Glenn: Well, she's got long fingers too.

Rob: She does. So human beings are supposed to be the exact-- their exact height this way.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Right?

Glenn: Yeah. That's right.

Rob: And- and then sometimes there's outliers and- and Kait--

Glenn: Did you know that?

Charlie: I did not know that.

Glenn: If you measure from here--

Charlie: There are people who are just listening. Rob has his arms-

Rob: Fully extended.

Charlie: -extended sort of like a Jesus on a cross look and- and, uh, and he's saying if you measure from finger to finger, that's supposed to equal your height.

Glenn: Yeah. I have heard that.

Rob: Yeah. It's almost- It's almost like-- It's pretty eerie.

Charlie: Do we have a tape measure in this office?

Rob: We can get one if we don't. We might as well do our height while we're here as well.

Glenn: I can't-- Yeah.

Rob: And then-- And--

Glenn: It's-- I can't do--

Rob: But- but-

Glenn: You can't do mine right now.

Rob: -Kaitlin has the wingspan.

Charlie: What do you mean you can't do yours right now? [chuckles] Your height's different right now than it's--

Glenn: I'm hunched- I'm hunched because of my injury. Like, I'm- I'm literally- I'm literally-- Like, I can't-- It hurts for me to stand up to like, fully straight still.

Charlie: That's some bullshit, man.

Rob: This is weird. This is weird.

Charlie: That's some bullshit.

Rob: When we're all able bodied, [laughs] we'll take a- a tape measurer–

Charlie: Ah, sorry. My shoulder's broken, you can't measure my height?

Glenn: No, no, no. It's my back. It's my fucking-- Like I-- I ju-- I got whiplash.

Charlie: You don't have a tall back right now?

Glenn: No. [chuckles] I don't have a tall back right now. My spine's-

Charlie: It's your Vitruvian spine.

Glenn: -fucked up. My Vitruvian spine has been all fucked up from my snowboarding incident, okay?

Megan: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Rob: Let me get a-

Charlie: Listen, listen--

Rob: -let me get a tape measure. This is worth doing because it's- it's really interesting.

Megan: I might have one outside.

Rob: Okay. Let's grab one.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: I think--

Glenn: I've- I've always felt like I had slightly short arms so I wouldn't be surprised if my wingspan was shorter than my- than my body.

Charlie: Well, let's find out.

Rob: This is gonna be--

Glenn: I can't.

Rob: This is gonna be interesting.

Glenn: I can't lift this arm up.

Rob: That I-- Yeah.

Glenn: Well-- Oh, shit.

Rob: He's healed. The Vitruvian man is back.

Charlie: The Vitruvian man is back. He's lifted his arm.

Glenn: Hey, that's pretty cool. I didn't know I could do that.

Rob: Here we go. All right.

Charlie: [singing]

Glenn: I actually didn't know I could do that.

Charlie: [singing] You want to do me?

Rob: Oh, yeah. So for the-- Glenn, do you want to walk them through?

Glenn: Okay. So for the listener who's not watching this, um--

Rob: So let's get your height first.

Charlie: Keep shoes on or off?

Glenn: Are we- are we-- Is this- is this gonna be on camera? Is this--

Megan: Yeah, yeah they’re on a wide.

Glenn: Are the cameras high enough to capture this?

Rob: We'll keep the--

Glenn: Well, you got to take your hat off, bud.

Rob: The hat goes off.

Charlie: Hat goes off.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob: This is shoes on so give or take like–

Charlie: Shoes on, give or take a half inch.

Glenn: Come on. Straighten that neck. Straight-- Yeah, there you go. Get that chin nice and high.

Rob: Okay, so we have you at 67 and a half inches. So that's 5'7 and a half.

Glenn: That's 5'7 and a half.

Charlie: That's- that's with the shoes on so--

Glenn: Well, with shoes on.

Charlie: Right, so 5'7.

Glenn: 5'7. Let's call it 5'7.

Megan: Wingspan.

Charlie: Oh, the wingspan.

Rob: Now can you hold–

Glenn: Okay. So he's holding his arms out, uh, like Jesus on the cross.

Charlie: I'll pivot to the door.

Rob: Now we're talking.

Glenn: And we're going to see if his wingspan matches his, uh--

Rob: Meg, can I have some confirmation? We have you at 67 inches.

Charlie: Wow.

Megan: Wow.

Glenn: Which is your--

Megan: That's science.

Charlie: Wow.

Glenn: So now we have a–

Megan: That's science.

Charlie: I'm a symmetrical motherfucker over here.

Glenn: -very well proportioned man, Charlie Day is.

Charlie: All right. All right. I'm going to measure Rob.

Megan: [laughs]

Glenn: All right, McElhenney. Let's see what you got. So now McElhenney's holding one arm out but not the other one. His--

Charlie: I'm so happy I wore my lifts today. [laughs]

Glenn: [laughs] You got to Tom Cruise's guy, right?

Charlie: You're right. Yeah, I got-- We got the same guy. [laughs]

Rob: I got- I got–

Glenn: Yeah. Let's get the hat and the headphones off here. Let's, uh, let's make sure you don't measure his hair, what's left of it.

Rob: The hair could be high.

Glenn: Don't measure what's left of his hair. Just measure to the top of his head. Here we go. Megan's- Megan's assisting.

Charlie: I'm- I'm right around 70.

Glenn: 70. So that would be--

Rob: That would be 5'10 but an inch for the shoes probably because I have--

Glenn: He's got some tall--

Rob: I'm 5'9.

Charlie: You said 5'9?

Glenn: I think he might be 5'9 and a half though. No? Or-

Charlie: Let's do the wingspan.

Glenn: -5'9 and a quarter at least anyway.

Charlie: Hand up to the door.

Rob: Okay. Let's see here.

Glenn: All right. Now we're doing McElhenney's wingspan.

Charlie: Now we're going wingspan and--

Glenn: We're going to cut all this. Um--

Charlie: Ah, yes. 69. Which would make sense with the shoes- with the shoes.

Rob: 5'9. Crazy.

Glenn: Wow.

Rob: That's the Vitruvian--

Charlie: Wow.

Rob: I think that's the Vitruvian thing, right? The Vit-- Vitruvian measure.

Charlie: Thank you.

Glenn: That is the Vitruvian measure.

Rob: Meg? Any interest?

Megan: No.

Charlie: Holy shit. Megan, would you like to be measured?

Megan: No. I'm good. Thank you.

Glenn: [laughs] Would you like to be measured by men?

Rob: Megan, you don't wanna be exploited by men?

Charlie: Yeah, would you like the men to measure you?


Megan: No.

Rob: But I know for a fact that- that Meg has mentioned that she's, like, sometimes feels self-conscious about being tall and I'm like, "It's not that you're tall. It's that we're small." Like, I'm around you--

Charlie: Is that- is that-

Glenn: How tall are you?

Rob: I know Kaitlin--

Charlie: -is that why you married the world's tallest man?

Megan: Yes. I-I-

Glenn: You did work.

Megan: I, uh-- I'm 5'10 and a little bit-

Glenn: Are you?

Megan: -and my husband's 6'7-

Glenn: Woah.

Megan: -and for Sunny fans, he played Allen in the, uh-

Glenn: Yes.

Megan: -sexual harassment episode-

Charlie: Yes, yes.

Glenn: God, he's so funny in that episode.

Charlie: He's a very funny actor.

Megan: -and you guys-

Glenn: What a funny man.

Megan: -you guys wrote the thing about his dick being big. I did not put that-

Charlie: Yes.

Megan: -in the script.

Rob: [laughs]

Megan: [laughs]

Glenn: That was us. That was us.

Megan: That was you.

Charlie: You guys been watching the Pam and Tommy thing?

Glenn: No.

Rob: No.

Glenn: Is that good?

Charlie: [sighs] I'm enjoying it.

Rob: Great. I'm gonna watch it.

Charlie: There's a whole scene where, uh, spoiler alert. Where his, like, penis talks. [chuckles]

Glenn: I heard about that. That's fucking hilarious.

Rob: That's amazing.

Charlie: Yeah. I was, like-

Glenn: That's great.

Charlie: -I was, like, okay. Awesome. Finally. And we've talked about this.

Glenn: Do they show it talking? Do they show its little mouth?

Charlie: Finally the dicks are here.

Glenn: It's little sideways mouth?

Charlie: I saw the article today, we're having a penis renaissance. There's been a lot of penises this year.

Rob: Good.

Glenn: A Penaissance.

Charlie: A Penaissance.

Rob: Good.


Charlie: Yeah. Yeah, the penis is back.

Glenn: So fair.

Charlie: Glenn's really happy about it.


Charlie: I was very happy about it.

Glenn: I think-I think it's well overdue that we have a Penaissance because we've been showing other stuff for a long time and it's time to show those dicks, guys.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: It's time to get your dicks out-

Rob: Let them out.

Glenn: -and show everybody what you've got.

Rob: Not at work, not at work.

Glenn: Don't take your dick out on a Zoom.

Charlie: No, no, no, no.

Rob: Not in public. In public keep it in your pants.

Glenn: No, no, no, but if you're in a movie, take your dick out, and let's see what you've got. As long it's the right place for it.

Rob: As long as everyone is okay with it.

Glenn: That’s the right place for it.

Charlie: As long as it's scripted and everyone there, they've cleared the set.

Glenn: We've agreed there's a time and a place for everything-

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: -and a time and a place is when you're doing a movie and a TV show. That's when you take your dick out.


Glenn: Hey, I got a question for you guys.

Rob: Yeah?

Glenn: You know, since, uh, we do a whole scene with, um, you know a character reading the will of-- If you guys were to die suddenly, what would you leave me? Would you leave me anything or does it all go to the family?

Charlie: The millions of dollars I've made you. What are you-- how much are you worth? $25 million.

Rob: $25 million dollars. That's a lot of money.

Charlie: That's pretty much-- You have-you have the two of us to thank for that.

Glenn: Oh, see you're-you're saying--


Glenn: Well that's definitely true, actually.

Rob: Wow.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, uh, no. Uh, okay now, so--

Rob: But I have to thank you guys as well for--

Glenn: Is there anything you'd like to leave me, Charlie?

Charlie: Mm-hmm. Um, I'm trying to think what you like.

Glenn: You could even-- well, you could even just-- Go ahead.

Charlie: I have-- I probably have like a nice Japanese whiskey, which I know you enjoy. So I could leave you my whiskeys.

Glenn: Did you see me just like that?

Charlie: You know.

Glenn: Um, I-I actually just genuinely got a little bit touched by that.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: I'm genuinely touched.

Charlie: You can have my whiskeys. You're touched by the fact that I know what-what it is that you really like?

Glenn: Yes. Yes, and that you would give me that.

Charlie: [laughs] Yeah, sure.

Glenn: That you would will that to me.

Charlie: Okay, I'll see if-- I'll call my uh,--

Glenn: Alright Rob, what would you give me?

Rob: Oh, no man. I can't. I'm not gonna follow that.

Glenn: What would you give me?

Charlie: What would Glenn like?

Glenn: Other than whiskey.

Charlie: You can make it up. It doesn't have to be a real thing. No one really knows. You could just make up a thing.

Rob: What does Glenn like?

Glenn: You could give me a good blender.

Meg: You could recut that episode and take the gunshots out.

Rob: Oh, wow.

Charlie: That would be really nice.

Rob: Wow.

Glenn: Listen, you wouldn't even have to be-- we don't have to replace the current one. You just literally give it to me.

Rob: Okay, why don't we do that? Why don't we do that anyway? It might be interesting to see the scene exactly the way you want it cut.

Glenn: Okay, so I think the funniest version, for the record if we're actually gonna do this, is five clicks and then a gunshot. I don't know if there is a way to cut it that way, but--

Rob: We have the technology to do that. Of course, we could just go back. They'd have to just pull that one moment.

Glenn: It wouldn't, yeah, it would. Depending on how many times he fires it and I think he does fire it probably six times, 'cause then he reloads it and fires it again at the end.

Rob: Yeah.


Charlie: You could take the-

Glenn: So stupid.

Charlie: -the first. You could just mute the first.

Rob: Yeah but the flashes. Did we do muzzle flashes?

Charlie: I don't think we did. [laughs]

Rob: I think we did.

Charlie: We did?

Meg: Yeah.

Charlie: Oh, well.

Rob: But we could go back. Hey look, for you buddy? Since you're dead and whatnot? We'll go back and we'll pull those-- we'll pull that old footage and we'll have it recut for you.

Glenn: Well, I'm not dead. You're dead. You're leaving me something, I'm alive.

Rob: Right, I still don't understand that.


Glenn: Yeah, yeah. You don't how it works. You died-

Rob: I died.

Glenn: -and you left me something.

Rob: Right.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glenn: I'm alive.

Charlie: You don't leave the dead man something.

Rob: So, okay. So, then you have full autonomy to cut the show any way you want.

Glenn: Whoa, you would leave me that right?

Rob: That's-that's what- that's what I'm leaving for you.

Glenn: The Glenn Howerton cut?


Rob: The Glenn Howerton cut.

Glenn: Of the whole fucking series.

Rob: I'll put that in my will. How about this-How about this? I'll put this in my will. You guys should continue making the show. By the way, we have actually all decided that. That if one of us dies, we will continue making the show. That was years ago before we made the-- We did make that call.

Charlie: Okay.

Glenn: It's not to honor you. It's because we want to continue money- making money.

Rob: Yeah, to continue making money. But–


Rob: How about this? If we-- if I die-

Charlie: Uh-uh.

Rob: -or when I die from some awesome thing and you guys are still making the show.

Charlie: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You guys still wanna make the show?


Rob: Oh, yeah. Yeah, you guys--

Charlie: Ooh.

Glenn: I don't even wanna make the show with you.

Charlie: No, I-- No-

Rob: Totally.

Charlie: -I keep trying to get out of this fucking thing.

Glenn: You keep trying to get out.


Rob: What if I put in my will-

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Rob: -that I always side with Glenn.

Glenn: Holy shit.

Meg: Ooh.

Glenn: That'd be so fucked up, wouldn't it?

Rob: So he's got a supermajority.

Glenn: I have a supermajority.


Charlie: That'd be fine because Glenn and I tend to agree on creative things.

Glenn: That is true, that is true.

Charlie: We agree on a lot on creative things.

Glenn: That is true for the most part.

Rob: Which is generally Charlie and I are disagreeing and you-- No' I don't know.

Glenn: I don't know that that's necessarily true.

Charlie: No, it's-It cycles around.

Rob: Yeah, yeah.

Charlie: It cycles around.

Glenn: It cycles around, yeah. Yeah, but I would say that yeah, that's it's very rare where there's a scene, you know, in the editing room. Where there's like gunshots getting put in or whatever it is and I'm like, "That's just not, this is crazy to me."

Charlie: I would say it's rare that we dis-- that we heavily disagree on anything at this point, you know?

Glenn: Yeah, yeah.

Charlie: We usually know when something is working or not working.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Can we agree that we've done the podcast for the day?

Charlie: I don't know about that, Rob.


Meg: I have something to leave you guys, even though I'm not dead, but I have a special treat for you today. -

Glenn: You do?

Charlie: Yeah.

Meg: Which is I-- this morning-

Glenn: Megan.

Meg: -I hard-boiled these eggs in coffee.

Glenn: No fucking way.

Charlie: Oh, no way.

Meg: To see whether, uh, it would get through. So if you guys wanna peel these eggs and then taste them.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Let's do it.

Meg: You can see.

Glenn: Let's do it.

Meg: I have salt and pepper too.

Charlie: You didn't peel it before you boiled it?

Meg: I did-I did not peel before I boiled it.

Glenn: Okay, so you just-you just boiled?

Meg: I made a pot of coffee-

Glenn: Uh-huh.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Meg: -and then I put the eggs into the coffee with no extra water, just the coffee.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Meg: Then I boiled them as-

Charlie: No, see.

Meg: -I standardly do hard-boiled eggs.

Glenn: We would want-- Do you have salt?

Meg: Yeah.

Charlie: There's no- there's no brown coloration in here though. Like, with the tea–

Rob: I wanna say– They still smell- they still smell like egg.


Glenn: That's amazing.

Charlie: See here's what I-I think the tea egg-- the thing with the tea egg, and I don't know, I'll have to look--

Glenn: I can never peel these well.

Rob: Wow.

Glenn: Do you guys suck at peeling? I suck at peeling hard-boiled eggs.

Charlie: You gotta use the side of your thumb.

Rob: These are tough. These are tough.

Glenn: The side of your--

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Oh, the side.

Rob: They're shattering into a billion pieces.

Charlie: Um.

Glenn: I'm not good at this.

Charlie: I would say that I think maybe let's look up how the tea egg is cooked, but I think-- what I meant to say when I [laughs] asked if you--

Meg: I did look that up and actually they soak it in tea after they hard boil it.

Charlie: Yeah, after they hard boil it.

Glenn: Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Charlie: So-so this is gonna be nothing, probably.

Meg: This is not gonna taste like coffee.

Rob: This is gonna taste like-- It smells like an egg.

Charlie: It just tastes like an egg.

Meg: Yeah.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Oh, does it? Yeah, well, it can't penetrate the shell.

Rob: Look I like an egg. I like it.

Charlie: So-so we gotta do it the way they do the tea egg. You gotta--

Meg: Soak it in coffee after.

Charlie: This is what I meant [laughs] when I said "Do you peel it first?" You gotta boil it, peel it, and then soak it in some coffee.

Glenn: Then soak it.

Rob: Definitely boil it first before you peel it.

Glenn: Well, Megan, thank you either way. Thank you very much.

Meg: My husband was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "I'm working." [laughs]

Charlie: I'm working here.

Glenn: You guys, wait. Wait, for those freaks out there, let's do a little ASMR.

Charlie: Why? Oh.

Rob: Oh.

Charlie: Stop. Stop.


Rob: Oh my God.

Charlie: No, if you don't-- you have--

Rob: That actually does not bother me. That doesn't bother me. That doesn't bother you? Wait, let-let me do it. Let me see if I can do it.

Glenn: It won't bother me if you're doing it on purpose.

Rob: Oh.

Charlie: Really? Really?

Rob: Right, that's what we established.

Glenn: Chewing sounds don't bother me.

Rob: It's not the sound. It's that- it's that people don't give a shit.

Glenn: Yes, it's the--

Rob: It's the chaos.

Glenn: It's the-the psychology behind it being like, "I don't care what sounds I make that are invading the space."

Charlie: That was very odd, because the sound bugs the shit outta me.

Glenn: Mm-hmm.


Charlie: Whether you are doing it intentionally or not, it's the sound.

Glenn: So this bothers you?

Charlie: Yes it does.


Glenn: Even though I'm doing it on purpose?

Charlie: Uh-huh, yeah.

Glenn: To try and bother you.

Rob: There's a lot of people out there right now that are fucking really grossed out. and then there's some people that are getting erections.

Glenn: Right.

Rob: Right?

Glenn: Right.


Rob: Right?

Glenn: Yeah, I guess I don't know. I don't know, is that what it is?

Rob: I know like are women into this? Meg, are they getting turned on?

Meg: No.

Rob: It's only men that do this.

Charlie: Meg, do you speak for all women?

Meg: Yes I do.

Rob: Meg speaks for all women. It's a good egg, Meg. Thank you.

Meg: Yeah, no problem.

Glenn: That's a good egg.

Charlie: That's a good coffee egg.

Glenn: A good egg in these trying times.

Charlie: So it turns out you can boil your egg in coffee or water and-and it won't penetrate the shell.

Glenn: Boil in whatever. Whatever you're already boiling, just go ahead and throw an egg in there. It won't make a difference. That's basically what we're saying. Well, guys, this has been great.

Charlie: This episode has been brought to you by egg.

Glenn: Egg, it's just fine.

Rob: For your trying times.

Glenn: Mm-hmm.


Charlie: I don't like it. I don't like it.

[End Credits]



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