On the pod, the guys revisit Gun Fever from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 1, Episode 5.
Charlie Day: Uuuh.
Glenn Howerton: Oooh, welcome, everybody, to the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Podcast and I'm Glenn Howerton and this is Charlie Day and I'm with Rob McElhenney as well and we got Megan on the ones and twos. Guys, this is episode five.
Charlie: We're back, we're back.
Glenn: [laughs] It's the end of the day and we are punch drunk. [laughs]
Charlie: 4:11 on a Tuesday afternoon, 22 bottom of the ninth.
Glenn: And we're back. Charlie, lemme ask you a question, how do ya get it up at 4:11 in the afternoon? How do ya get it up?
Charlie: I ate a chocolate chip dunker, Glenn. It was- it was a chocolate chip cookie that was meant to be dunked in coffee only I'm-
Glenn: God damn it.
Charlie: -only I'm drinking a sparkling water here and it's not doing the trick. Now had I got myself a coffee I'd be all fired up and ready to go so I'm operating purely on the chocolate and the cookie.
Glenn: [laughs] Well, coffee at 4:11 in the afternoon is what I call a bad idea.
Charlie: Now why'd you call it a bad idea, Glenn? Had you had an improper sleep experience after having some coffee to?
Glenn: Well, my daddy told me that you need seven hours between your last coffee and when you go to bed otherwise you won't sleep good.
Charlie: And is your daddy a doctor? And is he aware of all the things in the universe and how they work and does he have superior knowledge compared to you or say, uh, someone else who, uh, might also be a doctor?
Glenn: I don't know. Rob, what do you think?
Rob McElhenney: [laughs] What the fuck is going on?
Glenn: Guys, this is episode five of the It's Always Sunny in-
Glenn: Philadelphia Podcast. Uh, we wanted to come out of the-
Charlie: Shot out of a cannon.
Glenn: -gates. We wanted to come out of the gates hot-
Charlie: It is-
Glenn: -for that one, guys 'cause--
Rob: It is late in the day.
Glenn: Well, we did- Guys, listen, we--
Charlie: You were falling asleep on the couch 30 minutes ago.
Glenn: I was- Yeah, I'm an actor, I know how to--
Rob: This is the mania.
Charlie: We know how to dig down deep Rob.
Glenn: You gotta dig deep.
Charlie: This is the mania that we've been talking about.
Glenn: No, no, no, it's just- No.
Charlie: The mania is- No, you don't-
Glenn: It's just the entertainer in me.
Charlie: It's just the entertainer in him, Robert.
Glenn: Don't just repeat everything I say.
Charlie: And stop repeating what he's saying, man.
Glenn: I'm talking to you.
Charlie: I'm talking to you.
Rob: All right, all right,
Charlie: Episode five, guys.
Rob: Let's do it.
Charlie: Gun Fever.
Glenn: Gun Fever.
Charlie: That's still hot.
Rob: This one holds up.
Charlie: Well, I'll tell you why.
Rob: Not like somethings.
Charlie: Gun violence is still a thing, apparently.
Glenn: Gun violence is still a thing. I don't receive anything from the first season in 10 years but that one I don't remember at all. Shelly is incredible.
Rob: Oh, Shelly, okay-
Charlie: Shelly Desai.
Glenn: -Shelly Desai who plays Hwang-
Glenn: -in the episode and, uh, by-by the way he was supposed to be Korean. That's why his name is Hwang.
Charlie: When Shelly auditioned we were like, "Well, the character is only Shelly. It's gotta be this guy," but we didn't change the name.
Glenn: We just decided to keep the name even though, um-
Charlie: But he is outta control gun.
Glenn: Very funny, yeah, Very funny.
Rob: Well, he didn't know the tone of the show neither did we.
Charlie: Yeah, that's right.
Rob: We were trying to find it and figure it out and he was playing the honesty of-
Glenn: Rob, well not only did he not know the tone of the show, he didn't know what the show was and what I mean-
Glenn: -and-and granted it was the first season but-
Glenn: -he also years later didn't know that he'd done the show because he came in and auditioned for a totally different character.
Charlie: Apparently having not known that he was already a-a recurring character on-on the show.
Rob: Correct, correct.
Glenn: It's outrageous.
Rob: That's correct.
Charlie: And-and-and he-he was great in-in-in that too-
Glenn: -but, uh,
Rob: -but we couldn't hire him 'cause he-
Charlie: Do you remember that?
Rob: He fucking--He didn't make any sense.
Charlie: We were watching auditions
Glenn: We had to call our casting director and say "This guy's already a recurring character in the show."
Charlie: He is already on the show.
Glenn: He doesn't need to play Tony, he plays Hwang.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah.
Rob: Yeah, he plays Hwang.
Glenn: And he can't play Tony 'cause he can't be two different people.
Rob: Although, um-
Charlie: Although he did-- We have done that.
Glenn: We have done that. That's true.
Charlie: Yeah, so-
Glenn: I found that very funny. My-my favorite Shelly Desai story though is at the season one wrap party-
Glenn: -which is, uh, for those of you who don't know at the end of a season an all-time show. You have like a little party at the end to celebrate with the crew and everybody who was involved in the making of the show, uh, you know to basically celebrate all of your achievements and you know and, uh, pat yourselves on the shoulder and just an excuse to get--
Rob: But it was a- but it's a big thing when you're first starting out-
Glenn: It is.
Rob: -'cause it feels like, "Oh, wow you wrapped the show." It's a party. You're still young enough and full of life that you want to have fun.
Rob: You don't have to go home to the stupid fucking dogs that can't walk themselves and--
Glenn: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.
Rob: You know like you wanna go out and-and drink and, you know enjoy your life.
Charlie: It's nice for the crew. Everyone's worked really hard.
Charlie: It's been a long time and it's just one night to be like "Hey, we did it."
Glenn: "We did that."
Rob: We did it.
Charlie: "We gotta do that." We accomplished.
Glenn: Let's let loose together. Congrats, everybody, and thank you for all your hard work, that type of thing.
Charlie: Yeah, and then everybody shows up and it's not-- At least back in the day everybody would show up and it would be nice, it'd be nice.
Glenn: So, Rob, uh, Shelly Desai-
Glenn: -Shelly Desai comes into the party, the guy who plays-
Glenn: -Hwang. You're the first person I think he sees. He walks out--
Charlie: I'm standing right next to you, I'm-I'm there for this.
Rob: Okay, you're there too.
Glenn: And-and-and he comes up to you and you're thinking he's coming up to you because you guys work together and-
Glenn: -we were on the show together.
Charlie: Yeah, you're thinking he is gonna come in and be like, "Oh, hey, dude what a great time it was," or-or something.
Glenn: But Shelly looks at you--
Rob: -or something like, "Thanks for the job," right?
Glenn: Shelly looks at him but instead-- Right? Glenn, right, "Thanks for the gig."
Charlie: Hey-Hey, guys, good to see ya again. Congratulations on the end of the season." We think he's gonna--
Rob: No, none of that.
Glenn: That's not-- None of that happened. He walked up to you I don't think he knew who the fuck you guys were.
Glenn: And he said what?
Rob: "Whoa, where's the food?"
Charlie: "Where's the food?"
Glenn: "Where's the food?"
Charlie: And where's the food?" Has stuck with me-
Rob: [laughs] Yeah, for the [unintelligible 00:05:21] Yeah.
Charlie: -for the rest of my life. So anytime--
Glenn: He walked up to the show's creator, "Where's the food?"
Rob: Yeah, "Where's the food?"
Glenn: "Where's the food?" He didn't say hi, no.
Rob: He didn't say hi, nothing, just-just, uh, just bo--
Glenn: "Where's the food?" "Where's the food?"
Charlie: A fair- a far question Where was the food? But it has become a running-- Listener at home, this has become a running joke with us anytime someone orders food. I think 5, 5, 10 minutes later we'll look-
Charlie: -we'll look at each other and say-
Glenn: Where's the food?
Charlie: -where's the food? Where's the food?
Glenn: This is the first time we had, uh, Gugino's.
Charlie: Oh, man.
Glenn: Guginos is the restaurant that if you're a super fan you know exactly what it is but Gugino's is the restaurant that in this episode Sweet Dee goes to with, uh, what was Rosenbaum's character's name? Why am I forgetting?
Glenn: I don't think we say the name of the restaurant but I remember when I was writing it I don't know why but Carla Gugino came to mind and I thought, "Gugino's." That's a good-- So that restaurant is actually named after the actress, Carla Gugino.
Charlie: Now that location is in the Herald Examiner which was William Hearst's newspaper factory.
Charlie: His newspaper was the Herald Examiner. His factory was in downtown Los Angeles and it had been converted into a bunch of sets. One of which was a bar that we dressed and so that's why Paddy's-
Glenn: It was the lobby-
Charlie: -looks like it looks.
Glenn: [unintelligible 00:06:29]
Charlie: And the lobby of that building was Gugino's-
Glenn: Oh my God, I'd forgotten that.
Charlie: -which we also used as the bank in the e-episode where we pop our shirts off to try to-
Charlie: -woo-woo the bank teller And then a-a bunch of other locations were in that.
Glenn: Yeah, Dee's apartment.
Glenn: Sweet Dee's apartment. We shot all over that fucking decrepit asshole.
Rob: And-and-and remember every year they would say, "Ya gotta move out of there, you gotta move it somewhere else 'cause they're gonna tear it down" and then they wouldn't tear it down.
Glenn: They never did.
Rob: Yeah, and then, well, they have now.
Glenn: Have they?
Glenn: Oh no, they tore it down?
Rob: But they-they kept the lobby.
Glenn: Oh, so we can still do Gugino's?
Rob: No I think it's like con-condos or something and so I think that's the lobby.
Glenn: So Gugino's is done, that's why we haven't shot there in a while, right, 'cause--
Rob: It doesn't exist.
Glenn: Yeah. That's, uh, that's sort of an end-of-an-era thing for me because I always really enjoyed those episodes. I mean, The Gang- The Gang Dines Out. You know-
Glenn: -that whole episode takes place in Gugino's.
Charlie: Yeah, I always liked that set.
Glenn: Oh man, that's a bummer.
Charlie: Funny-Funny things happened at that set.
Glenn: That's too bad. That's too bad.
Charlie: 'Cause it was overly fancy for these guys. It's like it was palatial.
Glenn: Yeah, it was- it was a big deal.
Rob: I remember it was a sound issue because it-it was like marble everywhere and-
Glenn: Oh yeah very echoey
Rob: -they wouldn't-- This particular episode the sound was terrible-
Rob: -like I'm offmic half the- Did we not-- When did we not wear body mics? Was that season one?
Charlie: I think we must've always worn them.
Rob: No, there was a season where we didn't wear 'em.
Charlie: Then season one, surely. Do you remember the season where we had a boom operator who was like--
Rob: Sick all the time?
Charlie: He must have had allergies or-or was a coke addict-
Glenn: Yeah, yeah.
Charlie: -but like he always was holding the boom over your head and he'd be like [sniffles] urgh. And I'm like, "Look, if I'm hearing it, you gotta be hearing it."
Glenn: That, uh, I'm-I'm- I-- Dude, I am constantly amazed at how often a boom mic guy will be the one who's making the most noise.
Rob: Well, they can't, they are--
Glenn: They're fucking chewing gum. I'm like, "What the fuck are you--" Whenever I see a boom guy chewing gum, I'm like, "Are you fucking kidding me, dude?"
Charlie: That's 'cause that person's hearing everything except-
Rob: Except himself.
Charlie: -him or herself.
Glenn: Son of a bitch. I hate that shit, I don't like chewing gum, I just don't like it. I don't like it.
Charlie: That's misophonia, right? Misophonia? Misphonia?
Glenn: Misophonia, yeah, Misophonia? I do- I do have misophonia, I do. Look it up.
Rob: That's long-established.
Charlie: Chewing drives you up the wall.
Glenn: That's long-established.
Charlie: It-It bugs me too, I'll-I'll admit it.
Glenn: It does, yeah, I get it.
Charlie: I'll admit it.
Glenn: Yeah, that makes me feel better about myself.
Charlie: You're not alone in that. Just don't smack your gum, man.
Glenn: Don't smack it. Uh, if you're gonna insist on chewing it like a fucking cow, just don't smack it. You fucking jerks and-
Charlie: Stop smacking.
Glenn: -definitely don't pop it.
Charlie: Don't be popping and smacking your gum everywhere we go.
Glenn: Don't smack and pop your gum you know? You're not-- We don't wanna fucking hear it. We don't wanna hear it. We've got our own things going on. It's like, I'm thinking about something but all I can hear is you [smacks gums] [music] Fuck you. Guys, did you notice on the show we yell a lot?
Rob: On-on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia?
Glenn: Yeah, and we yell over each other. Well, quite a bit.
Rob: Yeah, that was always part of the "charm" of the show, wasn't it? Which is also why a lot of the reviewers were like, "I don't like it 'cause it's just people yelling at each other," and they're not totally wrong.
Rob: And I think a lot of people were like, "I like it 'cause it's people yelling at each."
Glenn: 'Cause it's people yelling at each other just like I do with my friends in real life. I talk over them 'cause I don't- I have shit to say.
Rob: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Glenn: I got a question for you, guys.
Glenn: Well, lemme take--
Glenn: It's Charlie, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, okay, good, good.
Rob: Well, no, you started with me.
Charlie: Let's get real, man.
Rob: You started with me.
Glenn: I feel like I've asked you a bunch of questions and I wanna start with Charlie.
Glenn: He's also a bigger star.
Rob: For now.
Charlie: It's too late, Rob. You're 44.
Glenn: Yeah, it's too late, buddy. He's established already.
Charlie: You had your chance. The door is closed.
Glenn: Yeah, buddy.
Rob: It's closing.
Charlie: It's closed.
Glenn: It's closed. It's closed.
Charlie: What are you? Jean Hackman? Hey, what ya got?
Rob: I'm Morgan Freeman.
Charlie: "I'm Morgan Freeman."
Glenn: Charlie, how d'ya feel about guns?
Charlie: Well, they're awesome.
Glenn: You like shooting them?
Charlie: Yeah, a lotta fun. Go to shoot some skeet or whatever.
Glenn: Have you done that? Have you skeet shot?
Charlie: Yes. Yes, and it's a blast. It's awesome.
Glenn: What have you done? Have you done skeet? Have you done clay?
Charlie: Clay pigeons.
Glenn: Yeah, pigeons.
Charlie: Clay pigeons.
Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Charlie: I've done that. Thanks for closing.
Glenn: He's closing the blind, in case you're hearing an awful scraping.
Charlie: He's so jealous of me.
Glenn: He really is jealous.
Charlie: My God.
Glenn: He doesn't even want me to see you.
Charlie: So jealous. But it's totally-- I think I remember being naively optimistic when we were making the episode and we were calling out all the problems with mass shootings and things at the time a little bit and the problems with gun violence in our country thinking, "Well, but it will get better. Yeah, we'll have this snarky social commentary in our show, but in 10 years or so, we'll get past some of this." So-
Charlie: -I'm displeased, if you're asking my full opinion with guns. Which is like it's crazy.
Charlie: I think the problem is that we can't acknowledge that there's a problem-
Charlie: -which is just nuts, which is just nuts. And then I think the other thing that people hide behind-- They say, "Well, it's a mental health issue." Well, sure, also yes.
Glenn: Also that. We can do two things at once. Let's do two things at once.
Charlie: Let's work on both.
Glenn: We definitely hit this issue much harder in Gun Fever Too: Still Hot.
Rob: Next one.
Glenn: Which we'll get to in a long time from now-
Glenn: -'cause when the fuck did we do that? Season seven or eight?
Rob: No idea.
Glenn: Yeah, I don't remember either.
Rob: They do start to blend in quite a bit. I could name probably-- Again, not having seen them for a decade, I could still name all the episodes from one, two, and three, maybe even four, and then I'm lost.
Glenn: That's it?
Rob: And then I'm lost all the way up until-- Yeah, 'cause they start to blend together.
Charlie: Rob, let's take on guns. Let's get real for a minute here.
Charlie: We can't just do the episodes about the heavy topics and then just totally avoid them.
Rob: I think it's a complicated issue.
Charlie: I agree.
Rob: I have a firearm myself. I have a firearm. I have a handgun in my house-
Rob: -that I keep locked in the safe. I enjoy shooting the gun.
Charlie: What's it like a pistola?
Rob: Yeah, like a little pistola.
Charlie: Yeah, it's safer. You die from the lead poisoning.
Rob: Wait. Wait. You talk about pistolas, or you used to talk about pistolas a lot.
Charlie: Do I?
Rob: What is a pistola?
Glenn: I don't know what it is.
Charlie: Well, I don't know. I might be making it up.
Glenn: That the tiny one?
Charlie: The little, tiny gun that can fit in the palm of you have.
Glenn: Like a little Derringer?
Charlie: Like a gentleman's gun with a mascot.
Glenn: A Derringer.
Rob: Or like where the madams used to keep 'em in their purse.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, like the man who you don't think has a gun, and then suddenly, he's shot you, and he's like, "Surprise, I had a gun all along," that kinda gun.
Glenn: Well, what else guys? What else? I can't be the only one asking questions. This is fucking bullshit. I didn't sign up to be the host of this fucking show.
Charlie: Nor do we want that from you.
Glenn: Are you sure? Are you sure?
Glenn: 'Cause I'm the only one keeping the goddamn thing on track.
Rob: That's what you think.
Charlie: Well, I see how you could perceive it as that, yeah, sure.
Glenn: Okay, well, let's just fucking sit here with dead air and just talk about--
Charlie: Dead air. Dead air.
Charlie: Dead air. [gums smack]
Charlie: No, okay.
Rob: Well, there's a-- See, you hate the gum-smacking, but you love that from Danny.
Glenn: But that's what I love about it is that it's so fucking obnoxious, so if you make a joke about it-- My favorite joke in the pilot that we did, which nobody ever saw, "Boldly Going Nowhere," [laughs] was the fact that actor Chad Coleman, who played the character Cobalt in the pilot, who plays Z on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," was the security officer on the space ship that the show took place on, and he had put someone in the brig because they were chewing their gum too loudly. That whole sequence makes me laugh super hard.
Charlie: He was fantastic. He's always fantastic.
Rob: Yeah, he's giving my character a tour around the ship, and he sees the guy, and he's like, "Well, what's this guy in for?" And he's like, "All I was doing was chewing gum." And Chad's like, "Yeah, but you were smacking it and driving everybody crazy." It's the best delivery ever.
Charlie: His eyes bulging out of his--
Glenn: Driving everybody crazy.
Charlie: Do you remember who played the kid in the brig?
Glenn: It was Eric Zimmerman, our assistant.
Rob: Oh yeah.
Charlie: Our assistant at the time.
Rob: That's right. Hey, can you do your C. C. H. Pounder imitation? 'Cause that's a classic. I love it.
Glenn: Oh, yeah, what's the line? Yeah, let's see. Goddammit, Dutch, what other errands do you have us running for the DA.
Rob: Now, there's gonna be a large portion of our audience that doesn't know C. C. H. Pounder.
Glenn: That's fair.
Rob: And I suggest seek that woman out.
Glenn: She's a very good actress.
Rob: Watch an episode of The Shield, which is fantastic. And she's fantastic. I can assure you that is a perfect--
Glenn: Well, I think the one in the episode that I did was probably a little bit closer just because-- I think I'd warmed up. I think I'd studied I think it was a little fresher in my head.
Charlie: I remember when we-- It musta been season one or season two. I got gifted from FX The Shield, which is kind of a funny gift, to be like, "Here's our show."
Glenn: "Here's our show," right, right.
Charlie: But it turned out to be a great gift 'cause I watched them all and that show was fantastic.
Glenn: Oh my God, that show is the best.
Rob: I wonder if they have a podcast.
Glenn: That show blew my fucking mind. When I saw that pilot, I was like, "Man, this show looks like shit." And it's so good. It's so good.
Rob: And you know, Kenny-- The first time I met Kenny was at a party.
Charlie: Kenny who?
Rob: The guy that plays Lem.
Charlie: I can't remember the show.
Charlie: I knew I like it, but I don't remember.
Glenn: The guy who barely got any fucking lines. It was crazy.
Rob: He's very affable. He's not--
Glenn: Blond hair.
Rob: Yeah, blond hair, not Vic Mackey.
Rob: Not Walton Goggins.
Charlie: Yeah, okay.
Rob: Within three minutes of the conversation, he was like, "Do you wanna arm-wrestle." And I was like, "Ah, yeah."
Glenn: Where was this? Where was this?
Rob: This was actually at John Landgraf's house-
Rob: -for a Christmas party.
Glenn: John Landgraf, guys, is the president of FX Networks.
Rob: Yes, I had just smoked, I dunno, 1,000 cigarettes with Walton Goggins 'cause I was still smoking cigarettes. That's how long ago this was. Season two? Something like that? And he was like, "Hey, do you wanna arm-wrestle? I'd just met him, and I was like, "W-, uh, uh."
Charlie: Uh, no.
Rob: "No, no, I don't wanna arm-wrestle." I thought he was joking at first.
Charlie: Aw, bummer, man.
Rob: But then he was like, "Aw, man, all right, cool."
Glenn: Was he drunk?
Rob: And I was like, "Why?" And he's like, "Well, I just arm-wrestle."
Rob: "I just arm-wrestle everybody. That's kinda my thing." And I was like, "Oh, oh, okay, well, maybe later." Then he proceeded to tell me how he was the arm-wrestling champion of the Pacific Northwest.
Glenn: Oh, so he woulda broken your arm.
Rob: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he just wanted to-- But he's a very sweet man. And then eventually, I did arm-wrestle him 'cause he very clearly wanted to.
Glenn: Did you?
Rob: Yeah, but he started me-- He was like, "You can start all the way." And I had started all the way down-
Glenn: And he still got ya?
Rob: Where he was an inch off the table. Oh, yeah, he would rip my arm straight off my body.
Glenn: You guys remember the Stallone movie, Over the Top?
Rob: Of course.
Glenn: You guys remember that montage sequence at the end where it's the final competition and everybody's-- There is a moment in that montage of arm-wrestling bouts where a guy's arm clearly fucking snaps in half. It's real quick. You see the guy. You see his arm. You see him wince. And it cuts away, and the sequence keeps going. I think they were just like, "Well, that guy lost," is the idea behind the sequence in the [chuckles] film. But if you're watching even slightly closely enough, you see the guy's fucking arm snap in half. And it is disgusting.
Rob: Now, how quickly did the AD yell, "Cut."
Charlie: This is a callback to the very first episode.
Rob: This is a callback to the first episode because the guy's arm is broken. Get the scene.
Glenn: If he knew that it was a montage sequence and that the point of the sequence was for that guy to lose, then I would argue that he could call cut very, very quickly 'cause it's not like the guy had dialogue.
Charlie: Does it matter with a broken arm? It's not like you can bleed out, right? You could shoot for a while.
Rob: Yeah, you could keep going.
Glenn: Well, it depends on how tough you are. Those MMA guys, right?
Rob: He kept fighting.
Glenn: His arm's dangling.
Rob: There's a guy whose arm was broken, and he punched the guy with the broken arm and knocked the other guy out.
Glenn: With the broken arm?
Charlie: No way.
Rob: Rich Franklin.
Glenn: Oh my God.
Rob: That happened for real.
Glenn: That's outrageous.
Rob: He broke his arm-
Rob: -and then knocked the guy out.
Glenn: I tell ya what. I'm not that tough.
Charlie: Tell ya what. Ya get a gun, you don't need to do that.
Glenn: Oh God, no, Jesus Christ. It's funny. Ooh, that actually made me cringe.
Charlie: That scared you?
Glenn: It did.
Charlie: It was sarcasm.
Glenn: Well, it's edgy. It's very edgy humor.
Charlie: Edgy humor.
Glenn: Very edgy humor.
Charlie: Edgy humor.
Glenn: Yeah, but it got me. Urgh, it sent a surge of uncomfortableness through me.
Charlie: A fear.
Rob: That's the thing about guns
Glenn: Well, 'cause it's so-- Fucking people are--
Charlie: People are crazy.
Glenn: People are fucking crazy, and they're shooting each other.
Charlie: Back to the mental health issues and gun issue.
Glenn: What the hell's going on, man?
Charlie: Two for one.
Rob: Can we work on both? Two wars?
Charlie: Two issues?
Rob: Two issues?
Rob: Mental health and guns.
Charlie: At the same time? Yeah.
Glenn: I don't know. My theory on all that, honestly, goes back-- It's just an evolution thing. We have not had time to evolve into the kinds of creatures who all of us can actually conform to the rules of society. Look, before, when we were just tribes of people and we had to defend our tribe, you want the fucking maniac whose bloodlust will allow him to slaughter everybody and anyone who comes near the tribe.
Charlie: Or her.
Glenn: You want that guy.
Charlie: Or her. Or her.
Glenn: Or her, sure, but let's be honest. Cut that, cut that, cut that, cut that.
Charlie: Cut that, cut that, cut that.
Glenn: Cut that, cut that, cut that, cut that. But you want a psychopath. In other words, I'm saying there was a use for that guy. Even 5,000 years ago, to have a full-fledged maniac in your tribe who's fearless and fucking insane who will slaughter and kill anyone and everyone who even comes-- I mean it's like-- You know, those guys, they're just like, "Just give me something to kill." Now we've tell-- we're telling that guy's ancestors, like, ''You can't kill anybody,'' and they're like, "Uh, I'd-- I, uh." And then you sit 'em down in a fucking desk chair in an office and have him stare at a computer and think that he's not eventually gonna kill somebody?
Charlie: Now, by the way, that guy can still go join the military if that person wants and pra- and practice their killing techniques and-and become a-a weapon and go on clandestine missions around the world, whatever it is. But--
Glenn: Hopefully, you can channel that, and you-you-you're taking out the right people, though 'cause--
Charlie: But you have other systems at play here, right? All of sudden, you have, um, commerce coming into the mix, right? So we're not-- We're out of the feudal system in terms of that maniac is now guarding the castle with his bunch of people. And now it's like, "Well, we have these weapons. We've had-- We'll have this weapons race. Now we have the technology that we can make guns readily available. But now we're gonna sell them. Now we're gonna make money off selling guns. And guess what? We're gonna have-- We're gonna market them to people, and we're gonna sell them, and then now they're everywhere." So it's all these things. It's all these things.
Rob: You guys are pitching the movie Fight Club.
Rob: Yes, right now.
Glenn: I don't know what you're talking about.
Rob: Megan, that's Fight Club, right? What Glenn and Charlie just des-just described was Fight Club.
Charlie: Never seen it.
Rob: Just go back and check it out.
Glenn: No, you-you're wrong. That movie's about soap.
Charlie: That movie's about soap, man, and Meatloaf.
Glenn: That's about a soap-maker. That's about a soap-maker who beats people up in a basement.
Rob: And Brad Pitt's abs.
Charlie: And Meatloaf and Jared Leto's face.
Glenn: [laughs] What the hell is meatloaf? I forgot Meatloaf was in that.
Charlie: Yeah, Meatloaf's actually great in that, I'll admit.
Glenn: Oh man, yeah.
Charlie: Everyone is 'cause it was Fincher, and he made them do like 900 takes each. And then it's like-
Glenn: Yeah, you're gonna get a performance outta--
Charlie: -if you can't get one good take outta 900, then you gotta recast the actor, right?
Charlie: That's why.
Glenn: Brad Pitt changed what every actor wanted to look like with that fucking movie. When he took his shirt off in that basement and you saw that torso, every single actor went, "Well, that's the new standard.'' And it's, uh, practically unreachable. And, uh-- And it's just in it's--
Charlie: I love picturing you in the theater being like, "Well, that's the new standard, folks."
Glenn: He wants that plate, yeah.
Charlie: Getting up and walking out. "That's the new standard, everyone.'' Thanks a lot, Brad.
Glenn: Turn-Turning to all my actor-actor buddies and being like, "Well, guys, that's the new standard." You know?
Glenn: Oh God, but it was his-- I mean, I was like, "You are just--"
Charlie: It was just lighting and make-up.
Robb: No. Genetics.
Glenn: And diet. I mean, he'd, you know, he-he-
Charlie: Genetics and diet.
Glenn: -he cut- he cut hard for that, from what I understand.
Rob: But he's just a beautiful human being.
Glenn: He's gorgeous. Oh, he's gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous, Absolutely gorgeous. Gorgeous. Cut that, cut that, cut that, cut that.
Glenn: Uh, no, I'm kidding. [chuckles] I don't care.
Charlie: I love him. Wanna be him.
Glenn: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Mm. Oh, Brad.
Rob: He looked really lonely that time we saw him here on the Fox lot, didn't he? He was sitting by himself.
Charlie: Sure he's fine.
Glenn: Yeah, I think he's all right.
Charlie: Sure he's fine.
Glenn: Yeah, he's all right. [laughs] He's all right, dude. Don't worry about Brad Pitt.
Rob: You know what's lonely?
Glenn: You worried about Brad Pitt, bro?
Rob: No, I'm not. I'm just--
Charlie: You worrying about him?
Rob: No. He's doing okay.
Glenn: Not at all. I'm sure he's doing fine. He's just lovable.
Charlie: Let's have him on the show.
Glenn: Let's see if maybe he'll tell us about it.
Charlie: Guess what. Surprise guest is here. Brad, what do you have to say? Well, that sums that up. Thanks for coming in, Brad.
Rob: He's a man of few words.
Charlie: Man of few words.
Rob: He lets his body do the talking.
Charlie: You guys have a lot of celebrity friends?
Rob: Yeah, yeah. Oh, me?
Charlie: Y-y-yeah, do you feel like you have a lotta, like, big celebrity friends? Like, outside, like, I'm friendly with many people who are celebrities now-
Glenn: Well, here's the--
Charlie: -but do I- do I have a lotta celebrity friends? Oh, uh, a smattering.
Glenn: Do you know what this-the grossest game-
Charlie: I don't.
Glenn: -that we've ever played, uh, that's actually really, really fun, and it's just gross, and we should probably toss--
Rob: Poop toss. No!
Glenn: No, no, no, no, no.
Charlie: Poop toss was great.
Glenn: [chuckles] Yeah, that was pretty gross. Uh, no, is-- When everybody flip through your phone and who has the most celebrity phone numbers in your contacts is the grossest-
Charlie: Oh, that's hilarious.
Glenn: -game you can possibly play but also really, really fun. [laughs]
Charlie: Rob, you hang out with The Rock a lot. Is this true?
Rob: Yeah, I see The Rock quite a bit.
Glenn: But you-you-- But you guys are just talking about him and-- but that's just an actual rock that you talk to, right?
Glenn: Just a rock that's in your garden [laughs] that you talk to.
Charlie: Oh, hey, Rock. You know what is kinda funny? I was there--
Glenn: And The Rock's like, "Call me Dwayne."
Charlie: I was thinking about this in terms of celebrity pals. You're very good friends now with, like, Chase Utley. You're, like, best friends, and I was thinking about that joke that we had where you write him the letter.
Glenn: Which we wrote before you knew Chase, right?
Charlie: You didn't know him at all, right?
Charlie: We just wrote that joke in. And then- [laughs] and then you got what you wanted.
Rob: And then we became-- Well--
Glenn: Well, he made a response video, didn't he?
Glenn: Isn't that how the whole thing started-
Rob: Oh yeah, that's what it was.
Glenn: -between you and Chase and that's what it was- That's what it was.
Rob: He-he responded to it. And then we got him on the show. And then we just became friends-
Glenn: And now you're just--
Rob: -and our wives became really good friends. And now we're-- But it also helped that he moved to California.
Charlie: You do have friends?
Glenn: Who? Me?
Glenn: I-I do, but I don't like, uh-- What's the word I'm looking for? People.
Rob: People, yeah.
Glenn: Yeah, I-I don't, uh-- I prefer to be by myself. I'm actually quite introverted, believe it or not, even though I'm very loud on this podcast.
Rob: Well, let's [chuckles] rewind back to that first minute and a half of this podcast. I-I don't see an introvert. I-- Actually, I do. Maybe I do. I see an introvert who's ready to explode at any moment.
Glenn: Oh yeah. Well, I'm very angry. I didn't say I wasn't angry. I'm just saying I'm introverted. I really am, to a dangerous degree. Like, if I had absolutely nothing to do and no wife and children, I would- I would spend weeks at a time never leaving my house, absolutely, and never talking to a single fucking person. And then I'd come out of it like, "Oh my God, that was awful." But then I would do it again. The next chance I got, I would do it again. Any time my wife goes out of town with my kids, I-I spend the whole fucking time in my house doing nothing 'cause I love it. I love it. I just wanna be left alone.
Rob: Now, you, Charlie, you wrote something down. What were you writing down?
Glenn: No, he didn't. He was doodling. He was doodling. He got bored. He got bored.
Charlie: I drew a little- I drew a little-- I got a little bored, and I drew a little shit.
Glenn: Yeah, he draws this--
Rob: I thought for a second you were taking notes.
Glenn: Oh God, do you remember all the great, like, stuff that Charlie used to do when we'd be sitting in the edit, all three of us?
Rob: Before phones- Before phones because now you can pick up your phone now.
Glenn: Well, you-you would do--
Charlie: Yeah, before phones.
Glenn: Charlie, he would-- We-- He'd just, like, pick up a magazine, and he would--
Charlie: By the way, phones existed.
Glenn: Oh God.
Charlie: But before smartphones.
Rob: Smartphones, yeah.
Glenn: But Charlie would pick-- Charlie, by the way, is a very talented man in almost every facet of, uh, artistry.
Charlie: Oh, go on.
Glenn: No, [laughs] it's true. But, like, you would pick up magazines, and you would, like, find a picture of somebody. And then you would, like, doodle on the person's body and face to turn them into a totally different human being.
Glenn: And I remember thinking, "That is the funniest shit." Oh, you would do it with headshots, too.
Charlie: Headshot. Well, that is a-
Glenn: Like, audition headshots.
Charlie: -that is a Jimmi Simpson technique. So, Jimmi Simpson and I used to do that to our own headshots. We would have a pile of useless headshots. And we gotta-- we mastered, like, erasing-- You can erase them.
Glenn: Yes, you can erase the ink. Right.
Charlie: Yeah, you're like, "Wow, I can erase my eyebrows and erase my eyes." And-and Jimmi would sometimes cut in different eyes from a magazine.
Rob: [laughs] For a full season, you guys did this in the- in the editing room.
Glenn: It was the funniest fucking thing to me.
Rob: You loved it. I felt so left out.
Charlie: I was okay. Jimmi was a master at it. I was okay. I was okay.
Glenn: We gotta have Jimmi on the podcast. Thought the man is-- I love that man so much. He's the fine-- N-Nobody-- That man makes me laugh so fucking hard. He is so, so, so funny.
Charlie: Brilliant, brilliant guy. Also, very good at, like, anything he wants to do, he's very good at it.
Glenn: Yeah. And just a good dude. Just a good dude. Yeah, yeah.
Rob: Drinks a lotta strawberry Yoo-hoo still maybe?
Charlie: I don't know. Well, I don't know.
Rob: Didn't have the best diet when I met him.
Glenn: Back in the day.
Rob: That was a long time ago.
Charlie: So, when I met Mary Elizabeth, my wife, and, uh, we met in New York. We met-- And we met outside of a-a-a play that I was doing, and we all hung out in a bar, and she came--
Glenn: You wanna tell us that story? We in--
Charlie: Yeah. I'll-I'll skip it 'cause you guys know it. But anyway, she was at my apartment, and she opened the fridge, and the--
Glenn: That night?
Charlie: No, the next morning, pal. [crosstalk] Actually, I left her 'cause I had to go do a recording for IFC that I'd forgotten about.
Rob: And had you consummated this- the relationship already?
Glenn: You scum.
Charlie: No, I don't think so-
Rob: You scoundrel.
Charlie: -we had a little bit of fun. Knock it off. Knock it off.
Rob: You scoundrel.
Glenn: Hand stuff? Just hand stuff?
Charlie: Hey, keep it clean.
Glenn: You guys just do hand stuff?
Charlie: That's my wife, guys.
Glenn: Okay, I'm sorry. You're right.
Charlie: Anyway, she opens-- She's, uh, understandably, uh, thirsty, hungry. She opens the fridge. I'm living with Jimmi Simpson, and the only thing that is in there-- There's only two things, strawberry Go-Gurt-
Glenn: [laughs] Oh God.
Charlie: -that, like, Jimmi had bought and a-
Glenn: [laughs] Go-Gurt?
Charlie: -a meat. A hunk of, like, ground beef-
Glenn: [laughs] What?
Charlie: -that would've-- that had been shaped into a penis.
Glenn: [laughs] Why?
Charlie: Because Jimmi and I were making a funny video about a man who smashes his penis off with a hammer.
Charlie: And we needed a fake penis. [laughs] And, uh, you know, that pretty much sums us up.
Rob: That sealed the deal. She was like, "I gotta marry this guy."
Charlie: She's like, "This is the one."
Glenn: This is my guy.
Charlie: This is the guy.
Glenn: Well, that makes perfect sense, actually, because her sense of humor is just as twisted and strange as yours is.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Glenn: She's a very, very funny human being, your wife.
Charlie: Yes, indeed.
Charlie: What else do they wanna know? It's 5:10. So we've been talking about a little over an hour here, you know, that's about a podcast.
Glenn: I don't know. This-- That should be the end, then.
Charlie: That should be it. That's the end. No.
Glenn: That was abrupt. That was so abrupt. That was too abrupt.
Rob: Glenn, you're the host.
Glenn: [crosstalk] I knew it.
Glenn: Fine, I'll be the host. [chuckles]
Charlie: Well, we've been singing the Birds of War, and one of the things that, uh, we'd forgotten, which was the lyrics, which I think was the best part of that song, is that we're singing about the fact that we're not just birds, that we're men. We have muscles.
Glenn: The whole song is about clarifying that you're not just a bird but that you're also a man.
Charlie: You also have the muscles of a man.
Glenn: You have all the best parts of a bird but also the best parts of a man. [laughs] Like it's--
Charlie: Yeah. But we reiterate one more time in the song, "But we're also men."
Glenn: [chuckles] Yeah, right at the end.
Charlie: In Birds of War.
Glenn: Yeah. Well, maybe we'll sing it for you guys sometime and get the lyrics right. Wouldn't that be great?
Rob: Maybe we'll do it around the season where we, uh-
Glenn: Wouldn't that be nice?
Rob: -do that- do that episode.
Charlie: Six years from now.
Rob: Oh, God.
Glenn: Oh, God. Stick with us, guys. I promise it's only gonna get better from here.
Charlie: Rob grasshoppers. Spooky or not spooky?
[00:29:59] [END OF AUDIO]