The Waitress is Getting Married | Always Sunny Podcast – The Always Sunny Podcast
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Episode #67

The Waitress is Getting Married

You guys still have feelings?

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67. The Waitress is Getting Married

On the pod, the guys revisit The Waitress is Getting Married from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 5, Episode 5.

Charlie Day: Hey. Glenn.

Glenn Howerton: Yes. Are we, what?

Charlie: We got a champ over here.

Rob McElhenney: Oh, yeah.

Charlie: A real–

Rob: A champion.

Charlie: Champion.

Rob: They give me a medal and everything. 

Charlie: You have a trophy? You have a big trophy that you're gonna keep in your home?

Rob: The trophy stays with the club. Um, but they put a medal on me. And I could, and at the moment–

Glenn: Now was this like, like, you know, like, when I got best attendance in baseball? Uh–

Charlie: Sure isn’t pal. This is top of the league. 

Glenn: Yeah. Right. But I guess what I mean is like, do the, do is this a medal, is this a tradition, uh for owners of teams in the league that you're in, to get a medal if you are at the top of the league, or did they make a medal for you, and Ryan? Because you're you and Ryan. You know what I’m saying?

Rob: Fair question. I asked that. We're very aware of it. We're very aware of that and uh and I do yes, everybody gets a medal, but I was both excited in the moment when they put it on it. We were just elated, but it is a little bit embarrassing to be wearing a medal for something you really didn't do. 

Glen: Right. 

Charlie: Well, no, no. Hang on a second. Now, now, if you're the trainer and you've taped people's angels up all year long for the Boston red Sox. Sox win the world series, you get a world series ring. You deserve that. 

Rob: You’re a part of the organization. 

Glenn: ‘Cause you taped somebody’s ankles?

Charlie: Yeah. You're part of a team. 

Rob: You’re a part of the organization. One thing, but one thing–

Charlie: It is a team effort. Now, if you fucked up, someone's ankle taping and they fuckin’ sprain their ankle, like trying to score in the final game–

Glenn: But what if you still won?

Charlie: and you don’t win, ‘cause it’s your fault

Glenn: What if you still won, and homeboy sprains his ankle and you still get a medal you're like–

Rob: Because it's not just about that one event. 

Charlie: ‘Cause it’s a team. It’s a team. 

Rob: It’s an organization. 

Glenn: And what kind of qualifications do you need?

Charlie: And that’s why Oscars are better than, um, you know sports awards because they're subjective, arbitrary–

Rob: Individual. 

Charlie: Individual. So not only are you getting awarded for your imaginary achievements, uh, you know, you're getting to take all the credit. 

Glenn: Yeah. As an actor you mean. 

Charlie: A group effort.

Rob: One thing that we were, that I'm very cognizant of, I’m, I always find it creepy, when they award the, say the Super Bowl trophy or the NBA finals trophy or, or the world series, they give it to the owners. 

Charlie: Yeah. 

Rob: And it always creeped me out. And so–

Charlie: Yeah, it’s always a bad look. 

Rob: Ryan and I were nowhere near, even when the guys were celebrating with the champagne and everything. We were like, this is their moment, like they should have it. They're the ones that earned it. And then eventually you come in for the–

Charlie: Class act there pal. Class act pal. 

Glenn: Now, are you on camera saying that? Because, because that's a good look. You know what I mean? 

Rob: Well, no…It was shot that way. 

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob: Maybe, I can, I can say that on the documentary. But I don’t think it needs to be said.

Glenn: Well, now that you’ve won the league.

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Right? Uh, and you’re going to be promoted?

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Um, what’s going on with that stye? I see that it’s gone–

Rob: It’s still there. 

Glenn: It was down here when we were–

Rob: It’s moved up.

Glenn: on the tour. That’s such an interesting thing to me. 

Charlie: Oh. It migrates. 

Glenn: The little, little, the white blood cells and all the guys that are fighting the infection, they were, they were down here. Even though they’re always supposed to be up here. The guys that were trying to get em–

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: So so basically, what's happening is that the good guys are finally getting to where they were supposed to be all along. 

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: To fight the bad guys. 

Rob: Yeah. And uh, man, I just can't get rid of it. Now, I would think that the stress, I don't feel any more anxiety or stress, so that so now it's just a big ball of pus and blood that’s sitting–

Charlie: You know what’s cool? You could start like having, eye patches. 

Rob: I thought of it, I thought about that, yeah.

Charlie: You could like, wear an eye patch.

Glenn: That’d be pretty sweet.

Charlie: That’d be pretty sweet. 

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: You could get like a Wrexham eye patch for when you’re over there. 

Glenn: *Laughing* Yeah. Or just whenever you’re on camera. Promote the team. Um, yeah, yeah. That’s not a bad idea. But you could liken this battle that’s going on inside there, there could be a Wrexham level, you know tier 5 soccer level battle happening inside your eye. 

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn:  Wow, think about that. All those little guys battling it out and then at the end, somebody might get a medal. 

Charlie: What are the feelings? What are the emotions? Because obviously, you know,  we've had a lot of luck and success in our careers and gotten to do some big exciting things. And we've gotten that one on one relationship with the fans, when we tour around, which is pretty amazing. Describe the feeling of winning the league of trying to do it and like, and how does it compare to other feelings that you’ve had.

Rob: Yes, thank you. Uh, fair question, um–

Glenn: You guys still have feelings?

Rob: There’s a mom–

Charlie: I don’t know, I’m assuming 

Rob: The moment that we actually won the game. I don't remember it at all. I kind of blacked out. I went because you know–

Glenn: Yeah. It looked like you and Ryan almost fell over the balcony.

Rob: Yes. 

Glenn: Like, simultaneously. 

Rob: And I didn't, I didn’t know that until I, until Paul, because Paul Rudd shot that because he was right behind us and he showed us that video and you see both of us at the same time. Almost like collapse in unison.

Glenn: Yeah you guys–

Rob: Something left our bodies. Um, and I don’t remember doing that at all. Neither does he.

Glenn: Maybe something entered your bodies from the back? 


Glenn: Just consider it.

Charlie: And forced you forward.

Glenn: Just consider it. That’s what I mean. Like, as opposed to something pulling out of your body and pushing you forward, there coulda’ been something that entered you.

Rob: I think it was um, I think it was years of, I think it was a catharsis, because that was our stated goal and um, it was something, we talk about this all the time, um, in all sincerity, if Ryan and I were to walk away from this, we would be fine. Because of so many different reasons, not withstanding the reason that we're sitting here right now, but there's a whole town that we promised 2 and a half years ago to do our best to give them this moment. And we didn't know how long it would take a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. We didn't know, and we didn't know if it would ever happen because that's kind of the beauty of sport is that at the end of the day, you can put all the pieces together, but if it doesn't happen out in the pitch, it's not going to happen. So for that moment to happen, uh I think for us was a tremendous relief, because we feel like we've delivered on our promises.

Glenn: Right. Yeah, that makes sense.

Rob: And you see how the town reacted. I mean–

Glenn: Yeah. It’s massive.

Charlie: Sweet thing. 

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: And I’m going back. I’m going back on Tuesday for 24 hours.

Glenn: Are you? For what?

Rob: Uh, they’re having a big civic event. 

Glenn: Oh my god. You gotta fly all the way over there just for 24 hours. Woo.

Rob: It’s worth it, but it’s, it’s tough. It’ll be my 8th trip this year. 

Glenn: Mhm.

Charlie: It’s hard to get to. It’s very–

Rob: Yeah. 

Charlie: well, hard to get to from here. Maybe not hard to get to from Liverpool. But uh–

Glenn: It’s definitely not hard to get to from Liverpool. Now, are you flying into Liverpool? Will you be flying into Liverpool?

Rob: Yeah. It’s, it’s always tricky. But um, hopefully well, we have a couple of new sponsors coming up this year. 

Glenn: Fourwalls whiskey. 

Rob: Fourwalls whiskey’s gonna be one of them, yes. But they’re not gonna help get me from Los Angeles to–

Charlie: No.

Glenn: Well–

Rob: We get a nonstop–

Charlie: On the Liverpool express–

Rob: We can get a nonstop–

Glenn: Fourwalls whiskey paying the bills.

Charlie: Can we stop, to talk about the name Liverpool for a second? Is it a pool full of livers? Is it, is it like something pooling up in your liver?

Glenn: That’s what I think it is.

Charlie: It’s, yeah.

Glenn: It’s alcohol. 

Charlie: It’s alcohol that’s pooled up in your liver.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: I got, I got a question for you. What– there– if you’re from Liverpool, you are called–

Glenn: A Liverpudlian.

Rob: Or, so a Liverpudlian, which is the strangest–

Glenn: Stra–crazy.

Rob: Liverpudlian.

Charlie: Right.

Rob: So the pool turned into a puddle. 

Glenn: *Laughing*

Charlie: A Liverpudlian. 

Rob: Somehow the pool got smaller. 

Charlie: The pool turned into a puddle. 

Rob: I guess? Why, why would you be–

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Wouldn’t you be a Liverpoolian? 

Charlie: Liverpondian?

Glenn: Which sounds sort of alien. 

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: But Liverpudlian doesn’t sound that much less alien. And so–

Rob: So you’re either a Liverpudlian or something else.

Glenn: So you can be called something–okay. I’ve only ever–

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Let me think.

Rob: Now this is sort of a–it’s a nickname–

Charlie: A Liverpite?

Rob: And I don’t know where this came from. We’ll have to look it up, but Paul Mullen, our striker is Liverpudlian. But he does not call himself, a Liverpudlian. He would call himself a proper–

Glenn: Okay wait, don’t say it. I can–

Charlie: Footballer.

Rob: He’s definitely a proper footballer. 

Glenn: Uh yeah he is. Good god wow, his performance in that last game. I mean his performance, the whole season, just incredible. And such a lovely, lovely, lovely guy.

Charlie: Sweet guy.

Glenn: I had the opportunity to to talk to him for, a solid 10 minutes after the game that the match that we went to, and I was just struck at how completely and totally down to earth he was. I mean, there was nothing, there's no pretense there, obviously, but just so such humility, and all he wanted to talk about was his family. You know what I mean? Like, I don’t know. Just such a lovely guy. 

Rob: They’re all like that. They’re all like that. I mean–

Charlie: The Liverpudlian way. 

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Yes. Or the–

Rob: Proper…

Glenn: Liver–

Rob: It begins with an “S”. Scouser.

Glenn: Oh that I would never have guess. 

Charlie: What?

Rob: Yes. You’re Scous if you’re–

Glenn: Yes.

Rob: They say Scous. 

Charlie: But, why?

Rob: They speak with a Scous–

Glenn: That also sounds like it, something that my pool guy would do, right? Liverpool, right? Liverpuddle? Like a scouser would come in and get the bottom of the pool.

Charlie: Scous the pool. 

Glenn: You gotta “scous” the pool every so often to get the–

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Glenn: get the algae off.

Charlie: Scous all the, Liverpites that are–

Glenn: *Laughter*

Charlie: on top of the pool just swimming around. 

Glenn: Yeah. 

Charlie: Yeah, before it puddles up. 

Glenn: A Scouser.

Rob: A Scouser. But may–these are all related things. ‘Cause if you ask me, uh, about how I feel, and I think about Paul. And I think about the town. I think about that experience, it is surreal. You’re standing up in that box, and they’re singing songs to you, about you, with your name.

Glenn: That was very surreal to me, also, being there. I’m like, you know, this is my buddy that I’ve known 20 years. 20 plus–no, more than 20–oh my god. Like, 22 years. You know, who had to borrow money from me at one point in order to stay afloat.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: And now there's a stadium full of people like cheering his name. Super weird. 

Charlie: I felt relieved. Like, finally, like, you’re gonna be okay and we can move on with our lives. You know what I mean?

Glenn: We don’t have to loan you money anymore.

Charlie: Yeah. You can let us free.

Glenn: Well, although he seems–he might be leveraging himself to a point.

Charlie: You can let us go man. 

Glenn: I don’t know.

Rob: No way.

Glenn: He might be–yeah, no, he’s–

Rob: I know where my bread’s buttered. I know where my bread’s buttered.

Glenn: He’ll keep–

Rob: No I, I got you guys for life.

Charlie: We’re trapped. We’re trapped. 

Glenn: Hey, there’s no one I’d rather be trapped with pal.

Rob: Thank you. I feel the same way. Well, but truly, so, you see what a surreal experience that is, and then amplify that by a factor of 10. Going through that, through the winning of the league. And then just the surrealness of how large it seemed? Like, I was with Ryan and Elton John called. To talk, to congratulate us.

Glenn: Wait, what? 

Rob: Bizarre. Like, we were hearing from people I, I mean, you know, the, the, the Prime Minister of the UK gave us a shoutout today in Parliament. Um, we heard from the King. I mean it’s, it’s bizarre. 

Charlie: Yeah, people are–

Rob: And it’s–people are into the story.

Charlie: Into sports man.

Glenn: A lot of pride I think, rippling throughout the entire country, right?

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Possibly, clearing up the divide. any divides. Any division that’s happening within the entire country. It’s all–possibly?

Rob: Possibly.

Glenn: Between the North and the S–

Charlie: Saving the nation. Um, any…why was Paul Rudd there?

Rob: Well that’s the best part. 

Charlie: Fill in congress.

Rob: What’s so great, this is what’s so great. Is—

Glenn: Well, he’s an ant. He can make himself any size and I think move through the quantum realm. 

Charlie: Did he get stuck in someone’s pocket?

Glenn: I think, I think what happened was he actually traveled through the quantum realm. Which is a much faster way of traveling.

Charlie: Another lovely guy.

Rob: Well also–fantastic. But also, Joe Russo was there. So, Joe Russo, who is not as famous as Paul Rudd, but directed, 2 of the biggest movies of all time? Certainly not the number 1 movie of all time. 

Charlie: Jaws and the Titanic

Rob: No. No, 2 different guys. Those are 2 different guys. 

Glenn: Oh. Uh, yes.

Rob: The most–

Glenn: Star Wars.

Rob: popular movie of all time.

Charlie: Citizen Kane

Glenn: Indiana Jones and The Raiders of the Lost Arc. 

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: You’re swimming in the, he’s swimming in the same waters. 

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah. 

Rob: Nonetheless, Paul came because he was shooting Ghostbusters in London. He’s friends with Ryan. 

Glenn: Oh!

Charlie: Ah.

Rob: It just so happened that–he was planning to come to this game, and isn’t it just like, Paul Rudd’s life to just like–

Glenn: Of course. To show up at that one.

Charlie: “Groovy man. We won the whole thing.”


Glenn: Is that how Paul Rudd talks?

Charlie: I don’t know. Not really. He doesn’t have a talk.

Glenn: Right.

Rob: No. Just handsome and sweet.

Charlie: So, you had Paul Rudd, you had one Russo brother. 

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: You got a call from Elton John.

Glenn: No Anthony? Just Joe?

Rob: Yeah. It was uh, just Joe. Yeah. Just Joe and his family. But, Nevertheless. I mean, just a transcendent experience that's hard to describe. But to put it into some kind of perspective, I stayed out all night long, with the players trying to keep up with their alcohol intake ,and I did pretty well, but they're large young man. 

Charlie: Yeah. 

Rob: And I got very drunk and had a blast and then–

Glenn: Did you say anything stupid, and were you on camera?

Rob:  I was on camera the entire time, which is why I didn't say anything stupid.

Glenn: But you get the–

Rob: Shirts came off at one point and I was like, “This is where the chairman keeps his shirt on.”

Glenn: Oh, really?

Rob: Yeah. 

Glenn: I would think that the chairman could have taken his shirt off.

Rob: I would’ve felt confident. 

Charlie: When those guys get to be your age, they’re gonna look like shit. And I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause they’ve been doing all this running around and training. And then, you know, they’re gonna have the kids. And they’re gonna be dealing with all that stuff, and the life stuff. And they're not gonna have the pressure of the camera constantly pointing at them which you have, which is a good incentive to kind of keep your shit tight, man.

Glenn: It sure is. It really is. It’s good incentive. 

Charlie: You take that camera away, you can just live your life. 

Glenn: Yeah, yeah. But also, like, you don't like if you maybe if you did comedy your entire life, right? And then you retired from comedy. You're not gonna go home to your comedy room in your giant house and do more comedy, right? So these guys are working out all the time, right? So once they retire, they're like, “Oh.” God, imagine like, they’re like, “I don’t wanna work out anymore. I wanna stop working out.” That’s the whole thing.

Charlie: Plus the injuries. You know. Like–

Glenn: The injuries. 

Charlie: No. They’re physical specimens. They look great. Like, forever.

Rob: Yeah, yeah. Some of them–some of them are so goddamn handsome and charismatic, it just drives me crazy.

Glenn: It drive–I don’t understand the, the preponderance of extraordinarily good looking men, in, in english futbol. 

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: It’s, it’s astounding how often I see a person who’s as talented as they are, who could also straight up be a male model. 

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: And there's numerous examples of that. Now, they weren't all, they're not all like that. Let's be honest. Some of them are ghoulish and awful to look at, but they're astounding to watch on the field. You know what I mean? 

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Um, but just the number of them that just, just so happen to be, so incredibly good looking. What is that?

Rob: I don’t know.

Charlie: They’re–at a great age. Right? They’re all 20 years old. 

Rob: Yep.

Charlie: So that’s when you’re gonna look pretty good.

Glenn: Yeah. But–

Rob: They’re in great shape.

Charlie: And then, they’re in great shape. That’s a good combo.

Glenn: But I’m talkin’ bone structure. I’m not just talkin’ hair sto–I’m not jus talkin’--I’m talkin’ like pure genetics. Just handsome–

Charlie: Give it time. Give it time. 

Glenn: Okay.

Charlie: You know. Remember us in our 20s? Some handsome fellas.

Rob: I don’t know. I look at some of those old episodes, I’m like, “I think we look better now.” But, that’s just me.

Glenn: In some ways, I feel like I, I look better now. Although things are, you start to see little things here and there. But we don’t have to get into that.

Rob: Anyways, the experience was a, was incredible. And um–

Charlie: I wasn’t looking for this long an answer. It was just like, I was like, “It was cool.” You know, you could’ve just said like–

Rob: Well, I, I’ll, I’ll, I’ll end it with this. I’ll end it with this. Because you asked and I’ll–

Charlie: I did.

Rob: I’ll give you the honest answer. To put it in perspective. When I flew home after the big celebration, knowing I was gonna come back and, and hearing from everybody and having thousands of emails, and text in here, and seeing it all of the news. And then also having just come off this like massive tour where we were in front of tens of thousands of people. And I landed back in LAX, and I came home and um, and there was nobody home, because the kids had gone out. They were at GardenPalooza with the school.

Glenn: I know exactly where you going with this story.

Rob: And I landed at home and um, and I had all this my bags and I had all this laundry and I realize like, oh, I got to do the laundry because I'm not going to have clothes. So I was home alone doing the laundry and I got a text from Caitlin and she said, “can you feed the dogs?”

Glenn: That’s the reality. Yeah, see–

Rob: That’s the reality. 

Charlie: That’s life.

Rob: That’s life. And I'm sitting there and I'm doing my laundry, and I go down and I feed the dogs. And I'm looking at the time and I'm waiting for my kids to come home, and they're happy to see me, because they haven't seen me, because we were away for a couple of weeks. 

Glenn: Yeah. We were away for a while.

Rob: And then we had dinner, and I went to bed, and woke up the next day and took them to school. 

Glenn: Mhm.

Rob: And, because that’s it. We keep learning this lesson, you hear, you hear the behind the music story of the rise and fall of people all the time, and that shit is real. If you think that standing up on that stage and hearing 10,000 people screaming for you or being up in that box and waving like the Queen and having people sing to you is gonna make you happy. You are fucking dead wrong. 

Glenn: You’re 100% right. If that time, where you’re home, feeding the dogs, doing the laundry, and then hanging out with your kids, felt like a let down, that would be a scary thing, right? 

Rob: Mhm.

Glenn: Right. Because that, those are–

Rob: To be fair, it does feel like a letdown. Because, just biochemically, you’re, you’re–all of that serotonin that's like, literally like, coursing through our bodies for those 3 weeks. You feel that high that just like, depletes and your brain is like, wait, where is that, thing? So I get why people turn to drugs, alcohol, or like the constant like adderation. Is, because you want, your brain is going to get that thing back. So if you're not cognizant of it, and we're lucky because we're in our late four, mid forties where we can internalize and then rationalize that. But, if you don't, if you can't recognize like, oh, you feel a little down right now, but it's not because you don't like your life. It's not because you can't do your own laundry. It's because it's just a biochemical response and if you can be grateful, for the fact that you get to come home to this family and you get to, to also do those other things. That’s where the problem is. So when you talk about, Paul Mullen, like, what a great example of a superstar. Who can live in the limelight, but really all he wants to do is talk about his family.

Glenn: Yeah. Go home and play with his kids. 

Rob: Because that’s it.

Glenn: You need the foundation, up which to lay all that other stuff. And then everything is, is, is really fun. But it really is kind of the icing.

Charlie: I can’t find it doing the laundry. You know?

Rob: Okay. To be fair, I’m not suggesting–

Charlie: I’m never jazzed up doing the laundry.

Rob: that you need to be happy–

Glenn: If I’ve got some good tunes. I’m happy to do just about anything around the house. 

Charlie: Okay.

Glenn: But I need the music.

Charlie: You need the tunes.

Rob: I think that the, yeah. I'm not suggesting that doing like some kind of menial or manual labor should be a joyous experience. But, if you find yourself thinking that you're above it, or that you don't belong there and that where you actually belong–

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re still gonna have to pick up dog shit. You’re still gonna have diarrhea at one point in your life. And how cool are you then? 

Glenn: Although Jill was talking about getting a third dog and, she was like” if we get a third dog–

Charlie: So much poop

Glenn: –I think we should hire one of those and picks up your dog’s shit?” and I was like, “Can we please not be those people?”

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn:  That hire someone to come to the–

Charlie: I have two dogs and even–

Glenn: Although I did–

Charlie: The amount of dog shit that they generate–

Glenn: Uh, it’s astounding. It’s astounding. I spent, like 45 minutes the other day cleaning up dog shit.

Charlie: Yeah. 

Glenn: And then they call and then the dogs ran outside and shit like 5 more times. 

Charlie: Yeah. 

Glenn: I was like, “Where is–we don’t even.”

Charlie: I will, like, you know if, like, if a kids comin’ over to play with my son, like I’ll go in the backyard, make sure–

Glenn: Yeah. You gotta. 

Charlie: And like, clean as could be. And then, 10 minutes later. I’ll do another little loop, and be like “When did these guys–”

Glenn: “What? I didn’t even see you.”

Charlie: “Who is it?”

Glenn: “I was out here. When were you poop–”

Rob: There’s nothing more humbling than having to pick up the deification of another species.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah. It’s the worst.

Glenn: Yeah. Of another species. 

Rob: I’m gonna pick this poop up, and put it in a bag.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah. 

Rob: And then I’m gonna have to wash my fuckin’ hands. 

Glenn: You wash your hands afterwards?

Rob: I do. 

Charlie: Well, ‘cause the bags have a scent to them. And you’re–

Rob: Just being careful. 

Charlie: You just feel, feel dirty.

Glenn: Now are you guys using the biodegradable?

Rob: Yes.

Charlie: Sure, sure, sure.

Glenn: Okay. Good. Good, good. Good, good. I just want to check on that because they make some really good ones and I want to make sure that's that we're all doing the right thing here.

Charlie: Oh yeah, sure. I’m fucking handsewing a fucking mitten. And uh, throwing that–no. 

Rob: Well, anyways–

Charlie: Well, anyways all good stuff.

Rob: I guess we should talk about the uh–I’m gonna, just as a little foreshadowing, I was alone in the hotel and I hit a certain point where I was like, “I'm just so bored” and the TV is not working and I had a link to Glenn's move, and I know we're gonna save it. We're gonna watch–

Charlie:  Save it, save it. 

Rob: I’ll save it. 

Glenn: Oh.

Rob: Have you watched it?

Charlie: I’m going to watch it tonight, right? ‘Cause are we talking tomorrow or are we talking friday about it?

Rob: All right. Get it, strap in baby. 

Charlie: I can’t wait.

Rob: I am so excited. I’ve been, I’ve been like–I had to withhold from texting you or calling you like right after I saw it. I almost stopped it halfway to call you. And I was like, “Save it for the pod, save it for the pod.”

Charlie: Save it, save it, save it.

Rob: But now I’m seeing you in person, and I gotta tell you. *sighs* Strap in. 

Charlie: I can’t wait. I can’t wait. 

Glenn: Well–

Rob: I can’t wait to talk about it.

Glenn: It seems like what you're saying is that you enjoyed it, and you enjoyed my performance, so I appreciate it. That fills me up, you're filling me up right now. Okay. I love it when you fill me up.

Rob: Okay. Good. 

Glenn: There’s nothing better than being filled up by your friends. 

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Right? Filled up.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Fillin–plugging those holes. You know what I mean? Plugin’ those god holes.

Rob: Get ready to get filled to the brim. 

Glenn: *Laughter* 

Glenn: Hey, hey.

Charlie: What are we talkin’ about now boys?

Rob: Talkin’ about dudes. We’re talkin’ about dudes.

Glenn: This one’s for the fellas. This one’s for the fellas.

Rob: Where my guy bosses at?

Charlie: No girls allowed, huh? This is, this is a dudes one? 

Glenn: This is a dudes one.

Charlie: This is for the dudes. 

Glenn: Dudes, all right, all right, all right, all right. Now that none of the women are listening, gentlemen, level with me. Has the thunder down under gone quiet? 

Rob: Are you going for gasps, but only getting laughs?

Charlie: Oh, no. So what you do, is you go to and you consult with the, a licensed medical provider–

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: that they have. And you get approved for a prescription and then bam, dude! You're getting your boner pills straight to your door. 

Glenn: They should just pop a BC on there. On the box right? So that everyone knows

Mara: Guys, I’m sorry. You can’t say “boner pills”, it has to be “boner tablets”. 

Charlie: Oh, okay. Sorry, um–

Glenn: Are you serious? 

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Boner tablets, okay yeah. All you do is you go to right? You speak with one of their licensed medical providers. You get an approve, for a prescription, uh, for bluechew, and then bam! You get your boner tablets straight to your door. 

Rob: Now, bluechew wants to help you have better sex. Discover your options at Chew it and do it.

Glenn: And, we’ve got a special deal for our listeners. Okay, try bluechew free when you use our promo code sunny. Free. Free. Just try it, it’s free when you use the promo code sunny at checkout. And just pay, all you gotta do is pay the 5 dollar shipping. 

Charlie: Okay. So that’s promo code sunny uh, and and you’re gonna get your first month free if you visit for more details and important safety information. And we thank bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. Thanks Bluechew. And uh, and uh, enjoy your boners everybody. 

Glenn: Yup.

Glenn: So lets talk about It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Oh by the way–

Charlie: By the way, Megan’s not here. 

Glenn: Yeah, Megan is not here. 

Charlie: She went to Amsterdam to do drugs, and hang out in the redlight district, I’m sure.

Rob: But so did Mara. But Mara’s back at work. 

Charlie: Mara’s back because uh, she made it out. But Megan needed a few extra days getting high.

Glenn: Yeah. Just gettin’ stoney baloney and doing mushrooms. Doing mushrooms and yeah, possibly doing stuff in the red life–redlight district.

Charlie: Yeah, redlight.

Glenn: Redlighting it up. 

Rob: Oh.

Charlie: Very Megan. 

Rob: Are you suggesting she’s selling it or buying it?

Glenn: Well, listen. I’m not suggesting anything.

Charlie: Depends on which drugs she’s on.

Glenn: I don’t assume, anything. Especially about other people. I don’t assume. Anything. Ever. I make no assumptions. 

Charlie: It makes an ass out of you and me. 

Glenn: Yeah. Yes it does. And I don’t even talk about the things that I see. ‘Cause I, ‘cause what if I’m not seeing it right. 

Rob: *Laughing*

Glenn: According to other people.

Charlie: That’s right. 

Glenn: That’s right. So, I'll stick to my lane here. Let's talk, now– Because Megan’s not here,  I got to sort of be the and I know that–

Rob: You're the host. 

Glenn: I'm gonna be the host a little bit today. 

Charlie: Thank you. Please do. 

Glenn: Okay. Now we don't even have to get to any of this, because maybe we can just, do what we always do. Which is just, talk and talk and talk.

Charlie: Yeah. Talk and talk and talk.

Rob: News flash. Ep–Great episode.

Glenn: Oh man.

Charlie: Oh man. A lot of fun.

Glenn: I was–

Rob: Because it was last minute I watch, I had to watch it this morning. I’m so happy I did.

Charlie: I watched it last night. 

Glenn: I watched it last night.

Charlie: With Mary Elizabeth. 

Glenn: Oh you did.

Charlie: Mhm.

Glenn: Oh, yeah of course. 

Charlie: Which was fun.

Glenn: Oh I wish she could’ve been here. That would’ve been nice to have her here.

Charlie: Uh, I invited her. But, you know, she–

Glenn: She couldn’t make it.

Charlie: She didn’t wanna adjust her schedule around it. So, the podcast waits for no one. Okay?

Glenn: Yeah, that’s right.

Charlie: The podcast waits for no one. 

Glenn: Although, it did wait a couple weeks for us to get through our shit, didn’t it?

Charlie: Well, it waits for us.

Glenn: It’s gotta wait for us. We’re the ones, we’re the conductors. We’re the conductors of the moving train.

Charlie: It’s a lot of scheduling. Just to get the 3 of us here. So–

Glenn: It sure is. It sure is.

Rob: Worth it.

Glenn: Totally worth it. Totally worth it. Um, I, I, I’m with you man. I, I was uh, gigglin’ my balls off watching this.

Charlie: A ton of fun. Lotta’ things we establish here. Like Frank and Artemis’s relationship. 

Glenn: Yeah. Oh yeah, right. This is the first time we establish that– now, am I mistaken in thinking that Danny is only in like, I can only think of him being in 2 scenes in this movie. I mean, in this episode the, the back of the second scene back from commercial, back from the opening titles when we're in the back office. And then the scene in Dee’s apartment? Is he in anything else?

Charlie: That might be right, yeah.

Rob: That might be right. 

Glenn: And yet, he’s so, so incre–

Charlie: Impactful in those 2 scenes. 

Glenn: Even just the way he–In that first office scene. The way he hangs up the phone, as were walking in. Is the sense of like, “I have a secret.” But also like, kind of proud and kind of prideful. Almost like, wanting us to ask him about it. So many different things happening there that–

Charlie: Who’s the director on this one? I missed that.

Glenn: Savage.

Charlie: Savage.

Rob: Savage. It’s a great structural episode. 

Glenn: Yeah it is. It’s got a good structure to it.

Rob: The story’s really good.

Charlie: Yeah. Yeah, it’s–

Rob: The ending is very satisfying. But I guess–We’ll start at the beginning.

Glenn: Like 2, almost 2 A stories. Right?

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Like, both stories have equal importance. And they’re both super interesting. 

Rob: They weave together nicely.

Glenn: Yeah and they weave together nicely. Also, sorry. I also gotta do a shoutout for my, my close, close, close friend Nick Wechsler. 

Charlie: Mhm.

Glenn: Who plays Brad Fisher. Um, A guy who is almost exclusively known for working in dramas. Uh, mostly on television. 

Charlie: Mhm.

Glenn: Does almost nothing but dramas. And yet, is one of the funniest people I've ever met in my entire life and is dying to do more comedy. And is, is super, super funny. 

Brad: Dee Reynolds? 

Dee: Yeah. 

Brad: Brad Fisher, from Highschool. 

Dee: Brad Fisher. No way!

Brad: Yeah.

Dee: You look amazing. Your acne cleared up really well. 

Brad: I kinda grew into myself.

Dee: Yes you did. Yes you did. Why did I ever break up with you?

Brad: It was ‘cause of the acne.

Dee: Was it ‘cause of the acne.

Brad: Yeah, yeah.

Dee: Yeah. 

Brad: When I got real bad, you dumped me, and you said it was because I was gonna grow up to look like, Edward James Olmos.

Dee: Oh. I don’t really remember saying exactly that. 

Brad: It’s fine. We were kids, we were kids.

Dee: We were kids. 

Brad: Yeah.

Glenn: Anyway, love Nick Wechsler.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Shoutout–

Rob: He’s fantastic. Nasim Pedrad is in the opening.

Charlie: Yeah. Let’s–it starts with Nasim Pedrad. Pre SNL, right? 

Glenn: I believe it was just, pre SNL.

Charlie: Yeah. Just before she got the show.

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah.

Rob: And you–Every once in a while we’ll have, in fact, the entire guest cast in this episode is fantastic. And a lot of them are supporting characters that have come back. But everybody kills. And every once in a while and including what's her name, Joy Osmanski.

Charlie: Yes. Joy. Joy, who I go on the date with.

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Good memory.

Rob: She was fantastic.

Charlie: I feel like the 3 of us, our dynamic in this episode is so fun. 

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: It feels to me like, almost like when we started the show. 

Glenn: Firing on all cylinders with that, with the 3 man relationship in this one. Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah. And our motivation and drive is so simple. 

Glenn: Mhm.

Charlie: You know? So it’s really just, a very sort of just, honest exchange of ideas. That clash with each other.

Rob: And there’s 2 things that happen in this episode early, that we, we have addressed that we did this early, and then stopped doing it. Um, both–1 of which is we explain why we’re about to do something. 

Charlie: Mhm.

Rob: Like very clearly. Why we’re gonna help–why do we have to help Charlie?

Glenn: Well, because he’s–we’re afraid he’s going to go postal if we don’t. 

Rob: Right. As a opposed to just helping Charlie. Which adds something to it.

Glenn: Although, I would argue that in this particular case, it does add, sort of stages to it, whereas which is hopefully why we left it and not just because we felt like we needed to.

Charlie: Well I feel like this needed more justification then some of our crazy stuff because the characters are so self centered. We needed to justify why you guys are gonna do a nice thing, you know. 

Glenn: Yes.

Charlie: That you had a sort of self centered motivation to do it.

Glenn: Yes.

Charlie: For it to–

Rob: And in fact, we called you out for that very thing. She says–

Charlie: That’s really funny. Because I watched her first line where she’s like, “Guys, we gotta think about Charlie.” I was like, “Oh wow we did kinda write in like season 1 Dee there.” And then we pull the rug out from under them like, “Oh yeah. Good good good.”

Glenn: Yeah, ‘cause she’s worried that he’s gonna–

Charlie: She’s gonna have to do the Charlie Work. 

Glenn: Yeah. She’s gonna have to do the Charlie Work. Right, oh right.

Charlie: The casual–casuales?

Glenn: Casualness?

Charlie: Casualness you guys are um, talking about my character committing suicide, like, “Well he’s definitely going to commit suicide.”

Rob: But when he does.

Charlie: When he does.

Glenn: When he commits suicide.

Charlie: It’s gonna be a problem for all of us.

Glenn: Yes. Yeah. By the way, guys, I forgot to introduce the episode that we're talking about today, but we can cut this in earlier or not. Uh, phones off. 

Charlie: It’s falling apart without Meg.

Glenn: Okay. This, so this is a little segment we like to call “That is what happened?”


Glenn: Season 5, episode 5. The Waitress is Getting Married. Aired on October 15th 2009. It was written by Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton. 2 of my favorite people and directed by Fred Savage. Special guest stars, Nick Wechsler as Brad, Joy Osmanski. 

Charlie: Wow. 

Glenn: As Jackie. 

Rob: I did–wow. That’s weird. Isn’t that weird?

Charlie: I’d like to have your brain for a day. 

Glenn: Ah, that’s so weird. Maybe–

Charlie: That recall is in incredible.

Glenn: Nasim Pedrad as Lucy. Who works in the wedding dress store. Again, shoutout to Nasim. But also, shoutout to her sister Nina Pedrad.

Rob: Yes.

Charlie: Mhm.

Glenn: Who is a writer on uh, New Girl. For a very long time. And has become one of our writers, and has directed a couple–

Charlie: An episode this season.

Glenn: An episode of this season. Yes, yes. Love, love, love them both. Summary: Dee tries to stop The Waitress from marrying their mutual ex boyfriend. Mac and Dennis helped Charlie start an online– start online dating. And Frank and Artemis explore their new found food fetish. Boy, what a wonderful show this is. Guys, let’s pop this off. Let’s get it started. What do you guys want to talk about with regards to this episode. Cut that in earlier. And then it’ll all flow.

Charlie: I think we leave it right where it is.

Glenn: Aw. Yeah, you’re probably right. 

Charlie: Um–

Rob: Your hair’s looking good today.

Charlie: Yeah. I noticed it was looking a little like permed.

Rob: Did you get something done to it? A new perm?

Glenn: You know what’s funny? 

Rob: It looks permish.

Charlie: It’s got a frizz. You put some sort of activator in it.

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: No, I used a different–I used a different shampoo. It’s this stuff called, oh what’s it called? It’s like–

Rob: Just for men.

Glenn: No, no, no. No, no. *Laughing* Well that would be the color, wouldn’t it? 

Charlie: It would be the color.

Glenn: No um, no. It’s this stuff that’s um, what’s it called? New…oh shit. But it’s that–

Charlie: Jizz.

Glenn: Jizz! That’s what it was. I washed my hair in jizz. 

Charlie: It looks sticky. 

Glenn: It’s this stuff. It doesn’t foam up. It’s like, it’s–I don’t know. It’s–it was given to me by uh–

Charlie: Head and Shoulders.

Glenn: Happy. On our show. 

Rob: Okay. 

Glenn: Like a long time ago and I'd never tried it. I tried it for the first time. And I tell you something I woke up this morning and my hair was a little bit–had a little bit more curl to it.

Charlie: Yeah. There’s a curl going.

Glenn: There’s a little bit of a curl going to it.

Charlie: Only on the top. 

Glenn: But I—what’s that? Only on the top? 

Charlie: On the top.

Glenn: Yeah. I don’t know.

Rob: It’s a–

Charlie: You don’t have enough on the sides to curl.

Rob: Some kind of thickening serum as well.

Glenn: Maybe. 

Rob: It looks great.

Glenn: No. No. Well, I have been, I do use one of those capillus caps, as we've established. Well, we haven't established on the podcast, one of those red light therapy things, right? Just to keep the hair–

Rob: A laser hat.

Glenn: We call it a laser hat.  That's not what it is, but it's fun to call it. That's what my wife calls it. 


Charlie: A laser hat. Okay.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: This is a show for the common working man.

Charlie: Sure.

Rob: Talking about–

Glenn: But that has nothing to do with–

Charlie: Stars that are just like you.

Glenn: Stars that are just like us. That use laser hats.

Charlie: They’re using their laser hats.

Glenn: They are.

Rob: Bragging about doing my laundry and feeding my dogs. 

Glenn: This is a valuable–yeah. The laser hat’s available to the general public. It’s just–it is a little cost prohibitive. It can be quite expensive.

Charlie: Sure, sure, sure. 

Glenn: Listen. If you want a full head of hair, and you want your–you know, you want your friends and your coworkers to compliment you on your beautiful curly hair, then the next morning you got to go get yourself–

Charlie: Lasered.

Glenn: A laser hat. 

Charlie: You don’t want the cheap lasers. Um, now, the episode. 

Glenn: The episode. Do you want to–-do you want me to ask you guys some questions?

Charlie: Sure. Yeah, what do you got? We’re we gonna do a bit called–

Glenn: Okay. ‘Cause I got some questions. We’re already– 

Rob: I was thinking that–I asked as I was walking in, I asked Mara and Chloe if they could possibly figure out a way to transcribe one of the scenes from the episode and then maybe we could act it out, because it could be fun. 

Glenn: Do we have that? 

Rob: And I don't know if we have that. 

Mara: Yup.

Rob: We do.

Glenn: Mara, do you wanna step on camera here for a bit.?

Charlie: Flying on in.

Rob: Flying on in. 

Glenn: So, you were doing–we’re gonna do one of those um, things where we recreate the scene? 

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: By the way, I love–I have to compliment uh, Nick Wechsler on his delivery. Like, you know, like, Kaitlin goes, or Dee goes, uh, “Why did we break…” and he comes right at the end. “It was because of the acne.” “Was it because of the acne?” I love that exchange. 

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: That exchange, the timing of that is just super funny.

Charlie: I like Mary Elizabeth in that scene where they come over for the, date night. Or the party. And Kaitlin is just like, saying all these horrible things. She’s like, “Wow. You’re making all that up. Right..”*Laughter* 

Glenn: Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Having sex like… I love Kaitlin’s like–

Charlie: Uh, the scene where she stops the car–apparently she’s just driving your car. Which is a funny thing. That we’re like, I guess she took Dennis’s car. 

Glenn: Oh right.

Charlie: And she stops it in the middle of the road to get out–

Rob: That’s a thing that people do in Philly. ‘Cause the streets are so narrow. 

Charlie: That’s hilarious.

Rob: That people will just stop. And then get out and go do whatever they have to do in that house.

Charlie: It’s a good bit. 

Rob: There’s nowhere–

Glenn: ‘Cause there’s nowhere to park.

Charlie: Oh my god. I had a guy yesterday, so Mary Elizabeth and I are driving down Los Feliz boulevard, a guy does that. Uh, he gets out of his car. I don’t know for what reason. And he’s looking at his side door. Well the car behind thinks, fuck this guy, I’m gonna try to swerve around. But when the car pulls to left to swerve around the guy, another truck is coming in that left lane. And hits the breaks as hard as he can, and stops just before hitting the car trying to get around. If it had hit the car it would have pushed the car forward smashing the guy who got out to look at his fucking car. So that guy almost, almost died. Just like–

Glenn: He escaped–narrowly escaped a crushing.

Charlie: He narrowly escaped a crushing. There’s no way he doesn’t get–

Glenn: He would’ve turned into a little “Liver Puddle”.

Charlie: He would been “Liver Puddling” up–There’s no way he doesn’t get–his liver would’ve been instantly puddled.

Glenn: A puddle. Yeah.

Charlie: And uh, that would’ve been it. 

Glenn: Would’ve had to scous him right off the street. 

Charlie: But guess what? If you’re–

Rob: A pool of scous. 

Glenn: They would’ve had to scous–they’d have to get the scouser out to scrape him off.

Charlie: If you’re in the middle of traffic uh, don’t get out of your car. You know. Just go ahead and pull over and look at whatever you’ve got to look at. Don’t just stop your car in the middle of a road that–where people are going. 

Glenn: You gotta, you gotta–

Charlie: And, if, if a guys done that in front of you, take a second before you try to swerve around him. You know what I mean? Just look.

Glenn: Life advice. 

Charlie: Life advice.

Glenn: That’s what we’re doing here on The Always Sunny podcast.

Charlie: Yeah. Story would’ve been even better if the guy did get crushed and killed. Not better for him.

Glenn: Wow.

Charlie: But more interesting for the fans.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: That’s true. 

Charlie: And here come the papers. 


Rob: Here comes Mara everybody. She looks great. 

Everybody: Hey Mara.

Charlie: You made it out of Amsterdam.

Glenn: Did you put that jacket on just for that entrance?

Charlie: She’s sobering up from her Amsterdam trip. 

Rob: Oh, she’s still high as a kite.

Charlie: She’s coming down high as a kite.

Glenn: Are you high? Mara.

Charlie: And here come the drugs.

Glenn: Are you still high? 

Mara: A little bit.

Charlie: Yeah. 

Rob: Nice.

Glenn: Just a little bit she said. 

Rob: Nice.

Glenn: Still a little bit in the system. 

Charlie: Slurring on little bit on that reply.

Rob: Sarah catching a little bit of that contact high as well. She’s–

Charlie: This is the dating profile scene. A simple scene. You guys are just coming over to put me on a dating website. And I am uh, a strange man. And it doesn’t go well.

Rob: Yup.

Charlie: All right. 

Rob: Um, okay. So Charlie.

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: We’re gonna get you back on the dating scene, bro. What do you think about that?

Charlie: Oh. 

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s actually why we’re here. We wanna put your profile on–now wait a minute. Hold on, I gotta stop down for a second here. This was a thing.

Charlie: We did have a little plug. Like a little–

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Now, was that because, was that because of the concept of the episode and somebody came to us and said, “Hey. Let’s do some product integration here.”

Charlie: I think it was like that yeah. We had the episode idea and they were like, “Hey. This is great. We could also–could you plug” We’re like, “Absolutely.”

Glenn: “Sure. We’ll make money for you and not for us.”

Charlie: Or, it was none of that. And we didn’t get paid at all. 

Rob: We didn’t get paid anything.

Glenn: Well no. We never get paid for those things.

Charlie: We never get paid. But we did–we got not sued. It was like, “Yeah. You can go ahead and say”

Glenn: Mhm. 

Charlie: Yeah. It was one of those.

Glenn: We got not sued. Okay, sorry.

Charlie: All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glenn: Yeah, no. That’s actually why we’re here. We want to put your profile 

Charlie: Okay. I don't see why. I mean, I got the waitress.  So–

Glenn: Yeah, right. But–

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: You know. Totally, but you know, we thought, um you know what I, we think that you could meet somebody new.

Rob: Someone you like even more than the wait.

Glenn: Yeah. 

Charlie: Ah, I don’t really see how that’s possible. But um, all right. Let me tell you what. Let me pop a quick H on this box that way we all know it’s full of hornets and stuff. So it’ll have an H on it.

Glenn: Okay, well, you know. Do what you gotta do. And we’ll get started.

Charlie: Okay. All right, good to go. Okay. These things sting like a bitch, so you wanna have an H on there. 

Glenn: Yeah. You sure do. They are hornets, so–

Charlie: You’re gonna get stung. Watch out for that box with B on it. 

Glenn: What is that?

Charlie: Those are just bees.

Rob: Bees, yeah.

Glenn: Right. I should’ve put that together. Okay. All right, well listen. Well, let’s get to it. All right. First thing we gotta do, we need to take your picture for the profile. So–

Charlie: Ah.

Rob: Yeah, so uh, do you have the makeup?

Glenn: Yeah. Uh, yes, yes. Let’s cover this up here.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Okay. Well I don’t know, okay. No makeup guys come on.

Rob: Well…

Glenn: Those hornet stings are–they’re pretty bad buddy. So I think we have to–

Charlie: Yeah. But I am who I am. 

Glenn: Right. But let’s do who you are, minus the hornet stings.

Rob: Yeah. Let’s pretend like you’re not who you are, and just try to attract a woman.

Glenn: Yeah. Ooo!

Charlie: Okay. I’ll tell you what. Should I get–I’ll get like a checkered hat and like pipe and like, that’ll work.

Rob: Wh–wh–why? Why would you wanna a checkered hat?

Glenn: What is that? I don’t understand. 

Charlie: For the Sherlock Holmes look. You know how he–he has like a checkered hat. He’s got a little–

Glenn: Yeah, no. I know–okay.

Charlie: Not a cob pipe. Not a cheap pipe, like a nice pipe.

Glenn: A nice one. Yeah, well why would you want to look like Sherlock Holmes? Like, what is that for you?

Charlie: To attract intelligent women. 

Rob: Okay. I’m gonna take a photo right now without the makeup and well see, well see if he likes that.

Glenn: Snag that photo.

Rob: Okay. 

Glenn: Yeah, yes.

Charlie: Was that sexy? Was that sexy?

Rob: Um–

Glenn: You know what–


Rob: We’ll photoshop it. 

Charlie:  I’m just as photogenic.

Glenn: You know what? We’ll deal with that later.

Charlie: Yeah, was that a good one?

Rob: Well fix in post. Well fix it in post.

Charlie: Okay. It felt like a good one. It felt sexy. 

Glenn: I can see, I can see where this is heading. So let’s just–let’s not do that right now.

Charlie: You want me to take another one?

Rob: No.

Glenn: No. I don’t think so.

Charlie: You got a good one?

Glenn: Well, we got one. 

Rob: We got one.

Charlie: Let’s start then.

Glenn: Okay. We’ll find another picture we can use. And that’ll be fine.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Let’s talk about, let’s talk about your likes and dislikes.

Charlie: Sure.

Glenn: What’s your–well, what’s your favorite food for instance? What would that be?

Charlie: For sure, definitely milk steak. 

Rob: Milk– *Laughter*

Glenn: Hmm? 

Rob: What?

Glenn: What?

Charlie: Milk steak. You know.

Glenn: I’m not putting milk steak. What even is that?

Rob: Just put regular steak.

Glenn: Uh, yeah. I don’t know what–

Charlie: Don’t put regular steak. Put milk steak. Otherwise she’s not gonna know what it is.

Glenn: No. She won’t know what that is. Nobody knows what that is. 

Charlie: Milk steak. It sounds perfectly clear. I don’t know how your–

Glenn: No, it sounds clear. But nobody knows what it is ‘cause it’s not a thing. Okay, all right. 

Charlie: All right.

Glenn: What’s your favorite hobby. 

Charlie: Uh, magnets. 

Glenn: Okay. Like, what? Like, making magnets, collecting magnets, can’t just put–

Charlie: I don’t know, like magnets. Regular magnet stuff. 

Glenn: No, I know what a magnet is. I’m just saying, what do you do with them?

Charlie: Know how they stick or like sometimes they push each other away from each other? 

Glenn: Okay. You know what? I’m gonna put snowboarding. 

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: We’ll put, let’s put snowboarding. It sounds–

Charlie: Uh, I don’t really snowboard. But okay.

Rob: How do you magnet?

Charlie: You stick ‘em or you push ‘em apart from one another. 

Rob: And that’s your hobby? 

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: I don’t think I’ve ever seen him–

Rob: I think I’ve seen him eat a magnet. I don’t think–

Charlie: I don’t do–you know. I don’t like, try to show off and do it all the time in front of you guys.

Glenn: Show off. Okay. Listen, let’s move passed that. Um, why don’t–what are some of your likes? 

Charlie: Oh, ghouls.

Rob: Son of a bitch.

Glenn: Okay. What are you talking about?

Charlie: For sure, ghouls. 

Rob: What are you talking about now?

Charlie: You know, ghouls. Like little–little green ghouls like, you know. Funny little green ghouls running around.

Glenn: What do you mean? Like in movies? Like in cartoons? What about ghouls?

Charlie: Little green ghouls, man!

Glenn: *Laughter*

Rob: Don’t write ghouls.

Glenn: I’m not gonna write ghouls. I’m not writing it. I’m putting travel. Jesus Christ.

Charlie: I don’t travel. I don’t like traveling. 

Glenn: Ugh. What are your dislikes? 

Charlie: I want a girl who likes–uh, people’s knees, dude.

Rob: Come on, dude.

Glenn: Come on.

Charlie: Cover your knees up if you’re gonna walk around everywhere. I don’t wanna see people’s knees. 

Glenn: What is–okay. Let’s–

Rob: Just make it all up. Make it all up.

Glenn: Okay. We’re gonna make the whole thing up. Let’s just get out of here.

Rob: Make it all up. 

Glenn: No. We can’t do this. We’re not even gonna–we’re not even gonna use you for this.

Rob: Yeah. We got the picture.

Charlie: Alright, but you’re not gonna get a cool chick. You know, if you’re not putting all my cool things down. 

Glenn: And that’s–

Rob: “Cover your knees up.”

Charlie: “Cover your knees up if you’re walkin’ around.”

Glenn: “If you’re walkin’ around the world.”

Charlie: Shooting that scene was so fun. Because we didn’t know how we we’re gonna say it. We don’t know–

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: I can’t remember if some of it was improv. I think it was pretty scripted out.

Glenn: It was pretty–It was scripted but it was loose. Loose, loose. 

Charlie: Yeah. Yeah. Uh, and just, you know. Getting to try to trip you guys up. And then, your reaction to it. You know, the–that’s what’s so funny about it. How you guys react to it. To these absurd answers. 

Glenn: Yeah. It's such a blast to, to shoot that scene. Um, the concept of ghouls. Now, where that came from was when I was a kid we had this bookm this Halloween book and I think it was called It's Halloween, and it was a book of little Halloween poems. And all these little Halloween stories. And I just remember this one story really standing out to me where there was like a ghoul, sitting on a tree outside of this kid's window and the kid didn't know why the ghoul was there and and just thinking that was a funny. I don't know why, but I don't know why, but I remember it striking me that that would be a funny thing for Charlie to like, there's something funny about, just like it's not a ghost.

Charlie: It’s not a goblin.

Glenn: It’s not a goblin.

Charlie: It’s a ghoul.

Glenn: It’s a ghoul. 

Charlie: It has–there’s a sense of mischief to it. 

Glenn: *Laughter* Right.

Charlie: You know? Like, uh–

Glenn: Yeah. What is, what in your mind would be the difference between a goblin and a ghoul? 

Charlie: A goblin just wants trouble. Where a ghoul–

Glenn: Okay. A goblin’s–

Charlie: A goblin wants trouble and–

Glenn: A goblin’s up to no good.

Charlie: A ghoul is glutenous and–

Rob: There’s nefarious–

Charlie: And a goblin’s up to zero good. A ghoul’s also up to no good, but has a sense of humor about it.

Glenn: Yeah. He wants it to be, he wants it to be–mostly he needs it to be fun for him. But if it’s fun for you that’s a bonus.

Charlie: Yeah. So, he’s gonna like switch your socks around and you know like–

Glenn: *Laughter* Yeah. Silly.

Charlie: Put something for you to trip over and–

Glenn: Sure.

Charlie: Yeah. He’s silly.

Glenn: He’s silly. 

Charlie: He’s silly, yeah.

Glenn: He’s got a silly sense of–

Charlie: And he might bite ya. 

Glenn: He is a ghoul.

Charlie: He is a ghoul. So–

Glenn: Yeah. You gotta be careful.

Charlie: You try to catch him. You squeeze him too tight, he’s gonna bite your finger. You know, but uh–where the goblin, it’s soul purpose is to bite you.

Glenn: Yeah. Goblin you really can’t trust, right? A goblin–

Charlie: A goblin’s horrific thing. 

Glenn: Goblin, you even spot the goblin doing his thing and you’re in, you’re in trouble. Right away, you’re gonna have to run.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah. Goblin could kill ya. Ghoul, you could probably kick it across the room. 


Glenn: Right. You might–

Charlie: Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? 

Glenn: You know what’s funny? I feel like you’re right. 

Charlie: Yeah, yeah.

Glenn: None of this makes any–you know what I mean? There’s nothing–

Charlie: A goblin’s gonna wreak. It’s gonna stink up your apartment for days. Where the ghouls are relatively odorless. 


Rob: Everybody–

Glenn: And this is why Charlie likes ghouls.

Rob: I hope that everybody who’s watching and listening to this right now is doing what I’m doing. Which is, I’m picturing both of them in my head. 

Charlie: Sure.

Glenn: Absolutely. 

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob: I have a pretty good idea. I have a pretty good idea of–

Charlie: Let me tell–let me ask you this. Is a goblin–

Glenn: A ghoul, okay–

Charlie: bald?

Rob: Yes. 

Glenn: Yeah the goblin’s bald. And it’s green.

Charlie: It’s bald. And it’s green. 

Glenn: It’s definitely green. Yeah.

Charlie: And it’s boney and it’s gross. The ghoul is–

Rob: I see the ghoul as green. I see the ghoul as green.

Charlie: The ghouls also green. But much smaller.

Glenn: In my mind, has, has–smaller, but has like kind of a round body. But very skinny legs. 

Charlie: Mhm, mhm.

Glenn: But I might just be picturing–

Rob: But the goblin’s got big ears, right?

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: The goblin’s got ears. And yeah. And the–

Glenn: Yeah, yeah. And a scowl. For sure.

Charlie: The ghoul is almost like a gnome. You know? But not quite like a gnome. 

Glenn: Are you picturing a beard? 

Charlie: No, no beard.

Glenn: Okay, so a beardless gnome.

Charlie: So it doesn’t have the beard and the hat.

Glenn: But maybe he does have a hat.

Charlie: It might have a hat of sorts. But it could be one of your socks that’s stolen and stuffed it out. 

Charlie: Hey guys, guess what? This show is sponsored by betterhelp. 

Glenn: Betterhelp s an online therapy service that is designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. And we could all use that in this day and something that's more suited to our schedules, because everybody's busy.

Rob: I am so busy right now I can’t even find time for myself. 

Charlie: I feel like we keep getting busier and busier and busier. What does Glenn need for himself? What do you need? You need a vacation? You need a– to go on a walk? What are you seeking?

Glenn: I want it all.

Charlie: Yeah? Oh shit. 

Glenn: Oh god, no, no. Vacation is work these days. I mean so many, so many emails to send, right? You're on vacation looking at your, you’re like “I gotta answer these emails.”

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So not gonna do that.

Glenn: Vacations are basically like work retreats these days. 

Rob: That seems like something you should bring up with a therapist. 

Charlie: So then, does work actually feel more relaxing to you than a vacation? 

Glenn: Well, I don’t take vacations, anymore. ‘Cause they are basically work. 

Rob: And in a way, neither does betterhelp. That’s part of how their vast network of license professionals works to fit into your schedule. So you can always get help when you need it and learn tools to find better balance in your life. 

Glenn: Oh man, you know why I know that I need betterhelp in my life? Because right now, I just want to get back to my computer because I know there's emails just ding, ding, ding, ding. Right? And I just, it’s the stress of it. I need, I need therapy.

Charlie: Now let’s, let’s find more balance in our life. Right? Why don’t you use betterhelp? 

Glenn: Yeah, absolutely. So visit to get 10% off your first month.

Rob: That’s betterhelp 

Glenn: A lot of questions here. We don't have to get to them all. But Dee dumps Brad because of his acne. Now, what was the worst reason you ever dumped someone or got dumped in highschool.

Charlie: Worst reason?

Glenn: Yeah. Did you dump someone–

Charlie: Because of who I was. That’s the worst reason, right? 

Rob: I never dumped anyone. I was holding on for dear life.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Oh yeah, that is the worst.

Charlie: That’s what sucks about getting dumped. Not because you like, “Oh. I said the dumb thing at the party and they dumped me.” Like, no–

Glenn: She liked you funde–she disliked you fundamentally.

Charlie: Yeah. You get dumped because they, the person decides, “Yeah. You’re not good enough for what I want.” 

Glenn: “I can do better.”

Charlie: That’s the worst reason, right? 

Glenn: “I can do better.”

Rob: That’s–it’s the only reason. 

Charlie: I know. That’s why it stinks.

Glenn: Yeah. You’ve been relegated and I’ve been promoted. Yeah, it’s–

Rob: It’s a wholesale rejection. 

Glenn: Oof.

Rob: It’s not, “Well if you were just a little bit..” Something you could work on. No. 

Charlie: No. There’s nothing you can do.

Rob: “I’m not attracted to you.”

Charlie: That’s why it hurts. That’s why it hurts. 

Glenn: Yeah. Physically, mentally, spiritually–

Rob: “I want you away from me.”

Charlie: Yeah. Until time passes and then you’re like, “I don’t give a shit about you either. I just didn’t want you to–”

Glenn: That’s the revelation isn’t it.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: It happens later. You realize that.

Charlie: It happens later. Where you’re just like, I just want to be wanted. I don’t necessarily want the person that’s dumping me. 

Glenn: Mhm. Yeah.

Charlie: You know?

Glenn: It doesn’t need to be, it doesn’t need to be you, right? You get your site set on something and you forget the fact that compatibility is important, right? Because when you're younger, you're just like, “oh, I like that. I want that.” Right. And then you don't realize that you don't you? And then when that person is like, I don't want that and I don't want you. You go, “How do I get you to like me and want me?” It’s just like guys it's just not how it works. You know?

Charlie: Tough time in life.

Glenn: Oof. 

Charlie: Tough time in life.

Glenn: Oh boy. Well, you've all been with your spouses for many years now. But did any of you have the chance to try online dating before you met them?

Rob: No.

Charlie: No.

Rob: This is what’s so fucking crazy.

Charlie: We’re so old. When we–

Rob: We’re so old. We didn’t have any online dating.

Glenn: Well, no. Online–

Rob: Maybe you did a little bit.

Glenn: No. No, no. No, I didn't I well, there was some myspace encounters.

Rob: I–all I talk about with, with younger people or even people our age, who are newly single and they all bitch about, “Oh. Tinder.” Or it’s, what’s the most popular one? Raya. Tinder. They're the worst. It's the worst. All you do is just meet people and– 

Charlie: Bang ‘em.

Glenn: It’s horrible.

Rob: have random sex. Random sex with people you're attracted to. It’s, it sucks.

Glenn: “Eh, I don’t want this! Oh my god, she’s super hot. I get to fuck her.” That’s horrible. 

Charlie: *Laughter*

Rob: I wouldn’t want that.

Charlie: “There’s, there’s a place where people are looking for other people.” That for us was called the world. 

Glenn: Yes.

Charlie: And you just, it was a toss up whether people were looking for…you could be like, “Hey. Are you looking for a partner?” They’re like, “No. I’m not looking for a person at all.” Versus the app where you know you’re looking for a–

Glenn: You would enter a physical space and you would swipe the person out of your way to get the person behind them. You know what I mean? 

Charlie: Swipe left fucker! I’m trying to get over–

Glenn: Swipe out of my way. I’m trying to get to the person behind you.

Charlie: Swipe off, jerk. 

Glenn: *Laughter* Swipe off, ghoul. 

Charlie: Yeah. 

Glenn: Yeah. Well sorry, what were you gonna say?

Rob: But that could take hours, days, weeks, months, years. 

Glenn: Courting.

Rob: Whereas, you can just do it in–it’s–I–it’s amazing. It’s amazing. Now, does it lead to long term relationships? I don't know. I'm not–

Charlie: Of course. Sometimes it can. 

Rob: Of course it could.

Charlie: But, then you probably also get the real time rejection, which I don't know what that feels like. But if you're like constantly trying to meet people on those apps and they're all being like, “No.” That must sting.

Glenn: It doesn’t feel as personal as when it happens you know, when you’re in, when you’re in “da club.” 

Charlie: “In da club.”

Glenn: Or in “da bar.” And it happens, and they swipe ya, right in front of your fuckin’ face. Oof.

Rob: I was usually pretty good with that. I just moved on. But–

Glenn: Yes you were. And I, I, I was mortified by rejection. You numbed yourself to it. 

Rob: I was so used to it. It was just a numbers game.

Glenn: It was a numbers game.

Charlie: It’s a good strategy. It’s a good strategy.

Glenn: It is. It’s a solid strategy. 

Charlie: Yeah, sure.

Rob: Yeah. As the night got on, as the night got on, and people’s judgment, you know, got a little bit–and they’re like, “Well, you know. Maybe he is taller than I think.” 

Glenn: You’d wait it out. You’d wait it out. You’d wait out the handsome ones. 

Rob: Yeah. “All the handsome ones are–the tall handsome ones are gone.”

Glenn: Yeah. *Laughter*

Rob: And the problem is like, those clubs, wherever you would go–wherever people would go to meet members of the opposite sex–

Charlie: You would Mac ‘em. Move in after completion. 

Rob: Yeah. It was so loud. So I couldn’t even do what–I couldn’t even like speak. It was all just based on the way people looked. 

Glenn: Oh yeah. That’s why, that’s why I didn’t like the clubs. I wasn’t much of a dancer.

Rob: No.

Glenn: I didn’t wanna like dance at “da club”.

Charlie: Oh, I didn’t stand a chance at “da club”.

Glenn: I didn’t have the right clothes for da club. Most of the time I couldn’t even get into “da club”. And even when I did, I didn’t wanna be there. That is the worst feeling in the world. To stand outside of club that you don’t even wanna be in, and then get rejected from that club.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glenn: You’re like, “I don’t–you wanna tell the bouncer.” You like, “I never, I didn’t wanna come here. My friends–”

Rob: But that’s the beauty of the online dating. The only reason we were going there–

Charlie: “Da club’s” in your pocket. 

Rob: was to meet–Yeah. “Da club, da club.” is right here bud.

Glenn: Oh. 

Rob: “Da club” is right here. Now, I do–I can understand that, just like say, you know,  human beings just adapt to whatm whatever it is. So for us it seems cool and amazing that you have that level of accessibility, but my guess is you do it long enough, you get used to it and then–

Glenn: It doesn't, it doesn’t feel–It’s less satisfying, right? It's, it’s, I don't know. Sometimes I think it's better if you got to work for it a little bit a little harder, right? It just starts to feel, I don't know a little, even more superficial than what it was when we were kids out there in the club and desperately trying to hit on, you know, people we wanted to make love to.

Rob: Yeah, just meet people. 

Glenn: Yeah, get out in the world and, you know.

Rob:  But yeah.

Glenn: Swipe and get swiped, in person for god’s sake, right? That's the lesson here. So the next episode will be talking about Charlie's directorial debut. 

Charlie: Mhm.

Glenn: A movie written, directed by, and starring Mr. Charlie Day. So exciting.

Rob: One of my favorite people.

Glenn: One of my favorite people.

Charlie: Thanks guys. Now you’re trying to fill me up.

Glenn: One of my favorite performers. One of my favorite writers. 

Charlie: And I’m getting doubled teamed. It’s pretty great.

Rob: Yeah, yeah.

Glenn: And possibly one of my favorite directors. Although, that remains to be spoken about. We have not spoken about your directorial skills yet.

Charlie: We can get into that.

Glenn: Well talk about that. I’m very excited to talk to you about that movie. Uh, I have not seen the most recent version of it. I’m very excited to see it. I’ve only seen an older version of it. Uh, and also you know, had multiple conversations about uh, you know, how the one scene that I’m gonna be in, is cut together.

Charlie: Yeah. Several scenes. Uh, and then uh, we’ll talk about uh, Blackberry. Starring Glenn Howerton. Uh, a movie where uh,  you deliver a performance that is being talked about.

Glenn: Keep your expectations low. You know. Keep ‘em low.

Charlie: I’m sure it’s great because–

Rob: Mine were high. And newsflash asshole–

Charlie: *Laughter* They were met. 

Rob: They were met.

Charlie: Yeah. Mary Elizabeth saw it at South by Southwest and was talking about how great you were.

Glenn: Oh, right, right, right.

Charlie: Everybody’s talking about how great you are because you’re great and, and these directors had the good sense to let you do what you do. Which Hollywood should do more of, so I’m excited to get into that. And al–and a little jealous of 2 things. 1, that, that I’m not the person delivering this performance to the world.

Glenn: Of course, right.

Charlie: And, 2, that our movies are coming out on the same god damn day. 

Glenn: Unbelievable.

Charlie: But it doesn’t matter. It’s not about what happens in the box office, or who goes sees what. It’s about we’re making the art that we wanna make.

Glenn: What if it becomes about that? What if it becomes about that? 

Charlie: Not for me man. I’m not gonna let uh, what happens outside of the movie dictate to me what the experience of the movie is. 

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Charlie: Um…Look at sunny as the perfect example. Right, like, you know, uh, the doing the sunny is the sunny. Going to those shows, thousands of people screaming, they’re screaming about things we did 10 years ago. 

Glenn: Yeah. Well look, you know, everybody please just you know, get get out there and watch both movies. They're both very, very different different movies. And I having, seen them both. Although not the newest version, are both, I'm very proud of these films. So, you know–

Rob:  Save it. 

Glenn: Don’t–

Rob: Save it for the pod.

Charlie: Save it.

Glenn: Don’t let, don’t let the fact that both Charlie and I are in 2 different movies–

Charlie: Glenn’s in both movies.

Glenn: Well, I’m in both. 

Charlie: So it’s a win win for Glenn.

Glenn: It is kind of a win win for me. Although–

Charlie: It’s a win win for me to pal. The fact that the movie is out to the world and in the theater, here we go. We’re gonna talk about that next.

Glenn: I’m excited to talk about it, is all.

Charlie: Me too. 

Rob: Me too. 

Charlie: Me three.

Glenn: I’m excited to talk about it. 


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