On the pod, the guys celebrate Saint Paddy's Day with a very special episode shot at Rob and Kaitlin's home.
Rob McElhenney: Well, happy St. Patty's Day.
Megan Ganz: Happy St. Patty's Day.
Charlie Day: Happy St. Patrick's Day to you.
Rob: Now it's not actually St. Patrick's Day.
Glenn Howerton: Oh-oh.
Charlie: No, but it will be when this airs. -
Rob: We'll drop it on St. Patrick's Day in celebration of St. Patrick.
Charlie: Who we all know and love so well.-
Rob: Of course.
Glenn: Yeah. St. Patrick, he, uh--
Rob: Driving out snakes.
Glenn: Mm. He did the thing with the snakes and, uh--
Glenn: You know-
Glenn: -and then people were like, "That's cool."
Rob: Let's get hammered.
Glenn: Let's get hammered for- about it.
Rob: Speaking of that.
Charlie: Yeah-yeah. But then they were like, "Where did our fucking snakes go?"
Glenn: “Shit, are they part of the ecosystem?”
Charlie: They were.
Glenn: “God damn it.” They're feeding-- And right, the snakes feed the birds and they--
Charlie: Yeah. But no snakes there in Ireland as is the case with, um-- Oh, look at you coming in to fix my mic. As is the case with Hawaii. You know about this-
Charlie: -you know about this?
Rob: You know snakes.
Charlie: You know about this-you know about this?
Glenn: I don't-I don't know what you're talking about.
Charlie: Uh, no snakes.
Rob: No snakes.
Charlie: No snakes. They-they got like one species of snake, which is more like a worm, so--
Glenn: A worm is just a snake that is like way more lame.
Glenn: Right? You know what I mean?
Glenn: It's like-it's like--like all worms wanna be snakes. You know what I mean? Like they're, worms like-and worms like--
Charlie: “Bro, when I grow up-
Charlie: -definitely gonna be a snake. Because I know I can make this happen.”
Glenn: “It doesn't work that way.”
Glenn: “Walter, it does not work that way.”
Charlie: “Wait, hold on. Walter, is that your fist or your butt?”
Charlie: “Fa-face your butt, buddy?”
Glenn: Well, so-so what are we doing here?
Rob: Well, we're here-
Glenn: Uh, what's-what's-
Rob: -at night now for the viewer, you can see, uh, that there's alcohol in front- in front of us.
Rob: Um, the listener, you've-you've just heard it-you've just heard it. You're there if--
Charlie: You've heard it. You've heard the words, you've heard about worms and snakes
Rob: There are three shots of brown per person-
Charlie: Yeah, um., and--
Rob: -including Megan, just to get going-just to get going, um--
Glenn: Just to get a base.
Rob: We, uh, we are asked very often, are we drinking at work? And generally, I mean, almost always, well, the answer is no. There is only been a co-we've covered this in the podcast. There's been a couple of times where we've drank during work and shooting hours.
Charlie: Only at the-
Charlie: -very end of something. Like it-like it was like the last scene of a season or something.
Rob: Yeah. So we thought let's drink at work today.
Charlie: And maybe-may-- We might do this, we might not do this. We were, um, we are kind of joking around, "Hey, would it be funny for the people listening or watching to hear us try to break an episode.
Charlie: Um, and to see how that would go drunk. Uh, we may start that and totally give it up because we don't-
Charlie: -have to do anything we don't want to.
Glenn: [clears throat] That's right.
Rob: No, and breaking stories is the worst.
Glenn: It's the worst.
Charlie: It-it-it sucks.
Glenn: It's a lot of this.
Glenn: What if-what if- Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. What if-- Okay-okay.
Rob: No, no, no, no. We did that-we did that. It's a lot of we did-we did that.
Glenn: We did? -
Rob: Yeah, we did that one.
Glenn: Oh, shit.
Rob: Yeah, we did that.
Charlie: That's a lot of-- We did that-
Rob: We a lot of we did that.
Charlie: -at this point. Well, let's drink the shots. Let's get it going, right? Let's--
Rob: Yeah, so-so what we're gonna do is-
Glenn: I'm excited.
Rob: -we're gonna do all three shots right in a row.
Rob: Because then that-
Rob: -first minute-
Rob: -well-well, all of us will-will still be sober then slowly but surely the alcohol will kick in, or quickly, I don't know.
Charlie: Or yeah.
Glenn: I think it's gonna happen pretty quick. -
Rob: Everybody is gonna be–
Glenn: Now this is, um, this is bourbon
Rob: Yeah. This a bourbon drink. -
Charlie: All right.
Charlie: Is it, uh, there's an Irish word, right? Sola-slainte?
Rob: Yes, slainte.
Rob: That sounds like I'm saying--
Glenn: Isn't that Be-
Glenn: Beyonce's sister?
Charlie: Fuck it. Here we go.
Glenn: All right. To slainte.
Charlie: All right.
Glenn: [clears throat]
Charlie: Just like that.
Charlie: No rest for the weary.
Rob: Let's get right into it.
Glenn: Oh, we're not-we're not-you're not even gonna take like a 10-second break between them-
Megan: Oh, man.
Glenn: -you're just gonna--
Rob: No, I was just gonna-
Glenn: You got fire on that.
Rob: -I was just gonna go right through them.
Charlie: That second one went down with a pause.
Charlie: There was a ho-
Glenn: You can hold in your mouth for a second?
Charlie: [coughs] There was a brief pause where my body was like, "No, man, don't do that."
Glenn: No-no, oh, yeah [laughs].
Glenn: Yeah, your body is like, "No, I will not do, stop."
Charlie: “Why are you doing that?” I'm gonna drink a sip of water 'cause I'm not, um, in the high school.
Rob: Yeah, it's just not, yeah. That was, that's two for me.
Rob: This is gonna be number three.
Glenn: All right, I'm doing a, um--
Charlie: Ah, um--
Megan: Oh, I feel warm [chuckles].
Charlie: What number are you on?
Rob: And that's third one-
Megan: This is, uh-
Glenn: That's third one.
Megan: -two, one and a half?
Rob: Better hurry up.
Glenn: You've been sipping that one? What are you doing over here?
Rob: Now, just to be clear, that was all the same bourbon.
Rob: And it was exactly one shot-
Rob: -in each glass. That would be-
Rob: 1.5 ounces of fluid.
Glenn: -but it was, um, [belches] 86 proof.
Glenn: So just a hair stronger.
Rob: Just a hair stronger than your average 80-
Rob: -80 proof alcohol.
Charlie: And we're not in college anymore so that is- this is not a normal routine for us. I don't fire down three shots.
Glenn: Well, speak for yourself, you know-
Rob: You're firing down-
Glenn: -speak for yourself. -
Megan: [clears throat]
Rob: Pff. If I do shots, it'll be like of tequila or something like that, you know.
Glenn: I- guys, I figured out actually [clears throat] the formula to getting drunk without getting a hangover. Would you like to hear what it is? A bit of--
Charlie: Oh, yeah.
Rob: Yeah, that'd be- that'd be good.
Charlie: I-I need that really bad.
Glenn: Okay, uh, now this is not to say that you won't have any- it's like, you might have a little bit of a hangover. But I'm-I'm I-I-I'll say it's-it's the formula that I've figured out that gives me the least amount of hangover.
Charlie: Uh-uh, no, it's-- The shots are fine. It's-it's the potato chips you gave us beforehand.
Charlie: That I have created a-
Rob: It's very salty.
Charlie: -a very quick sort of salty, heartburning situation.
Glenn: Oh, no.
Glenn: Your-your body's just rejecting all of it.
Charlie: I'm fine. But I mean, I'm-I'm definitely--
Rob: It wasn't just potato chips that were--
Charlie: Well, there-there was-there was other things, but there was the saltiness of potato chips.-
Glenn: It ended with potato-
Glenn: -it ended with just fist fulls of--
Rob: A-also for the listener at home and the viewer, we are in my- in my home.
Rob: This is my guest–
Charlie: This is cozy, Rob. Thank you for having us.
Rob: This is- well this is the, um, the my, the office that I-that I work out of.-
Rob: It's been a lot of fun though, um--
Charlie: We didn't think it'd be fun to do it at our, um-
Rob: No, and you'll notice-you-
Charlie: -but are you our writer's office?
Rob: -you will notice, again, for the listener, they don't know that it's not 9:00 A.M. You can tell when you look out here in the camera that it's dark outside.
Charlie: It's dark outside- it's dark outside.
Rob: Yeah, we decided to do this at night. Normally, we record the podcast in the morning.
Charlie: Megan, did you just indi– wiggling your glass to indicate to me-
Megan: It's just finished-
Charlie: -you just got the third one down?
Megan: -the third one.
Megan: That's still very impressive. That is a lot of whiskey-
Rob: -to drink very fast.
Rob: Oh my. Okay.
Charlie: I wanted to do it into the mic because that's part of the fun.
Glenn: Does- is there a trash can close by in case it comes up?
Glenn: This might come up-it might come up.-
Charlie: No, that was a--
Glenn: Just FYI, you guys have not spent a lot of time drinking. You spend a lot of time with Megan, but not a lot of time drinking with Megan. I have spent time-
Rob: -drinking with Megan, she gets so happy.
Glenn: Oh, you're a- you're a happy drunk.
Charlie: You're a happy- a happy drunk?
Megan: I am.
Rob: She's a happy, happy drunk.
Megan: Yeah [laughter].
Charlie: Megan, I'm I-I--
Rob: The demons-the demons.
Charlie: You look already so happy.
Charlie: I know you as a happy person, in general. That’s the vibe–
Rob: Oh, then you don't know Megan.
Megan: The last time--
Rob: Megan is a happy person, but there are demons.
Charlie: Yeah. But you're a person.
Rob: But the-the whiskey pushes the demons away.
Megan: But I never have bad, like drug experiences or drinking experiences. I don't go dark when I use substances.-
Glenn: Ever? -
Glenn: No-no-no substances made you go dark?
Megan: No, I-I took s--
Charlie: Just keep trying-just keep trying-
Charlie: -you'll get there.
Megan: I took so many mushrooms recently-
Megan: -and like way too many. And I was still like, it was like overpowering, but I was still like, "This is cool."
Glenn: This is fun.
Rob: Let's get into that. That's fascinating because you-you do go dark sober.
Megan: Well, that's because, uh, and I've been reading Eckhart Tolle recently [laughs].
Rob: Yes. That's the second time Mr. Tolle has come up in that.
Glenn: Rob and I are big fans of Eckhart Tolle.
Megan: I just started reading it at, um, Kaitlin actually suggested that I-that I-
Glenn: Which one?
Megan: -start listening to it. The Power of Now, which-
Rob: Oh, yeah.
Megan: -I've never listened to before.
Glenn: Yeah, well.
Megan: But I think that that's because when I'm sober, it's my like, thinking mind-
Megan: -that is sad all the time.
Megan: And when I get drunk, maybe that-
Glenn: It's your ego.-
Megan: -shuts down.
Charlie: Oh, yeah.
Glenn: -it's your ego. It's-it's the I that you-
Glenn: -identify with, not the real you bet the-
Megan: Not the real me.
Glenn: -but the- but the–
Rob: Yes. Now that- but he addresses this. I-I-I'm not gonna plug or push Eckhart Tolle.
Glenn: Go for it.
Rob: I'll say that he addresses this 'cause he says-what he says is, you-you-you try to rise above the voice.-
Glenn: Yeah, observe.
Rob: And when drinking, you're basically, uh, you're dropping below the voice.
Rob: Either way the voice is gone.
Rob: The thing is, if you go above the voice, whatever the fuck that means--
Glenn: Wait, Eckhart talks about that? He talks about--
Rob: He-- very specifically about alcohol, drugs, whatever it is.
Rob: Because you can quell the voices. That's from his point of view.
Rob: Yeah, it--
Megan: It's, yeah, it's also running away. Substances is like you running away from the ever-present now of-of you being just in the moment that you're in. -
Rob: And yet, God damn it makes you happy.
Megan: Yeah, it does [laughs].
Charlie: In short bursts and for a minute. So like, it's releasing a bunch- it's dumping a bunch of like dopamine, right? Or endorphins or something into your brain for a second. And then--
Glenn: Is there-you got some science to back that up? I don't know.
Charlie: No, no, no, no.
Rob: I don't think it releases-
Glenn: Okay, gotcha.
Rob: -any dopamine in the brain.
Glenn: I don't know- don't know. It does something to make you happier.
Charlie: It releases something-
Glenn: Or sadder.
Charlie: -the first one I think does.
Rob: [burping] [laughter] Well, I was-I was trying to match you, but it--
Charlie: There we go, Robby, there we go. It was good.
Rob: No, it wasn't.
Charlie: [Charlie burping]
Rob: Tha- Oh. Just like the show to me.
Glenn: That was wet. It's so wet.
Rob: [laughter] Well, this is what you getting-
Charlie: It's-it's-it's just like show when you're-
Rob: -me trying to keep up with you and I can't do it. It's so--
Charlie: Don't try to keep up. Be your own self.
Rob: Thank you.
Glenn: Hey, Rob, just be you.
Rob: That sounds like Eckhart Tolle.
Rob: Ladies and gentlemen, the alcohol is kicking in.
Charlie: Oh, it's kicking in.
Glenn: Yes, it is.
Charlie: -there we go.
Glenn: Yes, it is.
Charlie: And we're off.
Charlie: Oh, what are we gonna do? What are we talking about?
Rob: Can I just say, so I'm sorry? This fire is so fucking hot.
Glenn: It is very hot.
Charlie: You're-you're already hot.
Rob: I told you, can we open the door?
Charlie: No, no, no.
Glenn: No, no, no. Turn the fire off. Take your shirt off-take your shirt off.
Charlie: Turn the fire off.
Glenn: No, take your shirt off.
Rob: You don't want me to take my shirt off, Glenn?
Glenn: Why? Are you-
Charlie: Come sit over here then-then 'cause it's- -
Glenn: -are you a fatty?
Glenn: Are you a fatty or are you--?
Rob: It's so hot.
Charlie: Oh boy. Hey Rob, your nose is a little red.
Rob: I was out- I was out in the wind. Well, I was out in the wind again-
Charlie: We were both out--
Rob: I have wind burn, or maybe that's-- I don't know.
Charlie: Dude, I definitely have windburn. We were- We were out--
Glenn: I don't know that you get windburn just on your nose.
Charlie: No, no, no.
Rob: No, that's literally alcohol.
Charlie: Well, the alcohol has--
Rob: What- What's the- What's the alcohol? Flush?
Charlie: Yeah, your flush.
Rob: Was- Was my no- Was my nose red before the alcohol is the question.
Charlie: No. It has fired up since the alcohol-
Glenn: It looks- It looks like someone has slapped another nose onto your face.
Rob: I-- You know what it is? I think it's the- I think it's the fire.
Charlie: Nah. It’s the alcohol.
Charlie: Like, remember when you were a kid and there was a rumor that, like, "Hey, man, don't pee in this pool because they've put a chemical in."
Rob: Yeah, yeah, of course.
Charlie: That if you pee, it, like, turns, like, blue around you and they know you pee. Well, it's-it's, for you, it- it is--
Glenn: If he's been drinking, that's how he gets caught.
Charlie: If he's been drinking, yeah, and it's hereditary.
Rob: Have you noticed it before?
Glenn: Well, I will. [laughs]
Charlie: No, I'm doing a bit. Like you, it's- it's- it's your body being like--
Rob: But I've be- I've been drinking around you for 20 years.
Rob: It's never happened.
Glenn: No, no, no, no.
Rob: Wha- What if I swept-- Let me see--
Charlie: Come over here.
Rob: Okay, not a lot to see if I go over there--
Charlie: Come over here.
Glenn: Is your nose- Does your nose feel hotter than everything else?
Charlie: Now, we have just--
Rob: The nose knows.
Charlie: Okay, we have just figured out-
Charlie: We-we have just figured out why we don't break stories dry.
Rob: It's so--
Charlie: There's no-- I have no desire.
Rob: I'm sweating.
Glenn: No, I'm not going to. I won't do it- I won't do it.
Charlie: No, we're not gonna do- we're not gonna do it. Uh, Rob.
Glenn: I would like to hear you play that guitar though at some points--
Charlie: Here it comes.
Glenn: I'm just-- Oh, already?
Glenn: Yes, straight into it. Here it comes. Just one prompt.
Glenn: One prompt.
Charlie: What do you want? We'll- We'll make up things.
Glenn: Um, uh, yeah, make up- make it up. Uh, you know what? Sing a-- Let's sing a-- Sing about our friendship.
Charlie: [plays guitar] Red nose Rob.
Charlie: I don't know. That's all I got [plays guitar].
Glenn: Yeah, that's fair.
Charlie: It’s kickin' it now and he's getting real.
Charlie: Yeah, see, this is the problem.
Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Charlie: This is the problem.
Charlie: It's sloppy.
Megan: You guys are The Beatles.
Glenn: Wait, we're-
Glenn: -The Beatles. Go.
Charlie: Okay, okay.
Glenn: I forgot that we were The Beatles. Go.
Charlie: Right, right, right.
Glenn: Oh, he's got a guitar, too. Where's my guitar?
Glenn: What the fuck?
Rob: [plays electric guitar]
Glenn: It's like when Bob Dylan went electric.
Glenn: You know what I mean? Nobody wants it- Nobody wants it.
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait.
Charlie: There we go.
Megan: Oh, thank God.
Rob: Okay, we're putting it down again? [chuckles]
Charlie: I was- I was just getting Rob to put it down.
Glenn: Yeah, yeah.
Charlie: Uh, what are we gonna talk about?
Glenn: Well, I did- I did--
Rob: Well- Well--
Charlie: Well, there-- Well, here's what's interesting. The alcohol works [plays guitar softly].
Megan: Yeah. It's good.
Rob: Let's break a story.
Glenn: Well, hold on a second. Hold on. Hold. On.
Charlie: Hold on.
Rob: Hold on.
Charlie: Hold on.
Glenn: Hold on.
Charlie, Rob: Hold on.
Glenn: [high pitch hum]
Charlie: Hold on [plays guitar aggressively].
Charlie: I been holding on too long.
Charlie: I been holding all my life. And holding just feels wrong. Hold on.
Rob: [high pitch hum] Hold on.
Charlie: Hold on. Yee-haw.
Charlie: Alright, alright. What are we gonna do? Now we're doing--
Rob: We're gonna do another shot.
Charlie: We're gonna--
Glenn: Wait, wait a second.
Charlie: Well, see, that's what happens.
Megan: Oh, come on.
Glenn: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Rob: Now hold on a sec. Let's do one more shot.
Charlie: What about a beer? See now is when you want a beer.
Rob: Uh, we get your beer.
Rob: Ross, can you reach- reach behind there and--
Glenn: Oh, oh. Yeah, you wanna sip on something now?
Charlie: I wanna sip-- Well, yeah, I feel--
Glenn: You got there and now you wanna sip on something and maintain?
Charlie: I don't know that I've ever had whiskey without the beer [chuckles].
Glenn: Oh. So it's, yeah, okay. It's, yeah. All right.
Glenn: Guinness, Coors Light, what do- what do you want?
Charlie: Well, uh, it's Saint Patty's Day. Give me the Guinness.
Rob: Give- Give the man the Guinness.
Glenn: Give the man the G- the Guinne- the-the Guinness.
Charlie: Uh, first of all, should we- should this just be the podcast from now on?
Rob: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It should be every episode of the podcast.
Glenn: Definitely not.
Megan: Somebody actually wanted that?
Rob: Yeah, we're- we're- we're- we're gonna do it.
Glenn: Uh, well, I mean, I want one- I want one set up.
Rob: Let's do another one.
Glenn: Wait, hold on. What- What's--
Rob: I'm gonna get the pen 'cause we're gonna break a story. This is a whiteboard.
Glenn: Oh, I thought that was-- I thought you were gonna, like, uh, thought it was- looks like a- like your basketball coach.
Charlie: Hey Rob, now that we're not sitting by the fire-
Rob: I'm waiting.
Charlie: -can you close the door?
Rob: No, because that's what gonna-
Charlie: That's what got your nose back?
Rob: -deheat. It's gonna deheat me.
Charlie: It's come back.
Glenn: Your nose has calmed down.
Charlie: It has-- It's--
Rob: I told you, it's because I'm so fucking hot. I was sitting right--
Glenn: But why would your nose get hotter than everything?
Charlie: It indicates when there's a fire.
Glenn: It's like a fire alarm.
Rob: Okay, that's what the episode should be about.
Charlie, Glenn: Okay, okay.
Rob: Here we go, here we go.
Glenn: And we're off.
Rob: I had a pen. Hold on, I'll-I'll-I'll be right back.
Charlie: You nailed it, you nailed it.
Glenn: Okay, okay, alright.
Charlie: Okay, so which character is it whose nose constantly turns red and they're upset about it?
Glenn: Well, Rob's.
Charlie: No, no, it's Dennis', right? Because it, like, it fucks with your ego that your nose turns red. Like, you, like and-- But no level of-
Rob: Yeah, I've embraced it.
Charlie: -no level of makeup will cover your nose.
Glenn: Right, right, or-or-or such a level of makeup that you can see it, and once you start to see it, you know, the illusion is gone, right?
Glenn: If you know that I'm wearing makeup-
Charlie: It ruins the fun.
Glenn: -then the illusion is gone. Yeah [chuckles]. And that, by the way, that is the- that is the speed. It's like, "Uh, his nose has turned to red again." I'm like, you know, "I thought you were dealing with that with makeup," you know, and then I go on a whole monologue about, uh, [chuckles] about how no amount of makeup-- you know, the-the amount of makeup that would take nowadays to make the nose not be red is, you know, it becomes noticeable-
Glenn: -you can see it-
Glenn: -and that's a problem.
Rob: So maybe- so maybe-
Glenn: That's a problem.
Charlie: That's a problem.
Rob: -so maybe his nose has been red for year- [chuckles] for years-
Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
Rob: -but he's been covering it up.
Charlie: Well, but we've done-
Rob: Is it- Is it like--
Charlie: -we've done that. We've established he was makeup-free in an episode-
Rob: Yeah, that's true.
Charlie: -and it wasn't red. It was ghoulish.
Charlie: This is where we- This is- This is where we run into problems with the history of the show.
Glenn: That episode got taken down.
Megan: Yeah, that's not happening.
Glenn: That episode was taken--
Rob: So it doesn't exist, so we can do it again?
Glenn: No, no, it does ex--
Rob: We can do it again.
Glenn: No, no, it does exist. It's on YouTube. That scene's on YouTube.
Glenn: Somebody put it on YouTube, which I appreciate.
Megan: That middle part you have-
Charlie: Ah, very good.
Megan: -that middle part, it just makes that whole thing.
Glenn: We- We were trying to figure out how to--
Rob: That episode got taken down?
Glenn, Megan: Yeah.
Glenn: So actually--
Glenn: Well, 'cause it's- it's D- it's Dee-Day.
Rob: Oh, it's D-Day.
Charlie: It's 'cause of Dee’s tasteless characters [laughs].
Glenn: Yeah. Dee’s tasteless characters.
Rob: Guys-Guys, the guitar is coming out. The guitar- everybody, the guitar is coming back out.
Charlie: I'm-I'm just gonna noodle while we talk.
Glenn: He likes it.
Charlie: Does anyone care?
Glenn, Rob: No.
Charlie: Can I fuck with your tuning?
Rob: Yeah. That-- Yes, of course.
Rob: You can do whatever you want.
Charlie: -see, that's- wow, that's what I like to do.
Glenn: Whoa, okay.
Megan: This is, like- This is, like, story breaking in the "Sunny" room. Except that, Glenn, you need those, remember those bato- weighted baton things you had?
Glenn: Oh, yeah, the, yeah.
Megan: Things- Those, like what were those? They were like weights, but then you could swing them around.
Glenn: They were Indian clubs.
Glenn: The Indian clubs that you swing around, yeah.
Megan: And that's for forearm strength or?
Rob: Uh, this is like-
Megan: Sorry, I outed you.
Rob: -he doesn't know what it's for. That's the thing. It's always a new thing.
Charlie: Can we, um, I hate the red nose episode. Is there something better we can do?
Rob: Of course.
Rob: We haven't even started. There-There's nothing on the board.
Charlie: [plays guitar softly]
Charlie: I was just kidding. I was jok- I was joking.
Rob: There's nothing on the whiteboard.
Glenn: He determined that he didn't like it once he started playing the guitar--
Rob: I can feel myself getting cooler and so I'm wondering about my nose.
Glenn: Your nose looks better.
Glenn: That is interesting.
Rob: Megan, from your perspective?
Glenn: By the way, the-the how it goes is you drink and you drink and you drink, your nose gets redder and redder and redder then the vessels start exploding. And that's, you know, when you see those guys-
Glenn: -or those people that have explo--
Rob: WC fields or somebody.
Glenn: Yeah, where the nose is like exploding in different places.
Rob: The blood vessels.
Glenn: Yeah, what is that? Why is it the nose specifically that takes the brunt of it [chuckles] when you- when you drink too much? Like, the liver sends it to the fucking nose and then you get varicose vei- veins in the nose and wha--
Charlie: What is the liver-nose connection? Yes.
Glenn: What's the liver-nose connection, guys?
Charlie: And there's- And-and-and-and there's so many mysteries in science that we haven't even scratched the surface [chuckles].
Rob: [laughs] The liver-nose connection. Guys, can we do- let's do the shot.
Glenn: Let's write a book called The Liver Nose Connection.
Charlie: By the way, we, uh--
Megan: Do you want one, Charlie?
Rob: Let’s do the shot. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, we gotta get him a shot.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah.
Megan: Okay, sorry.
Charlie: I didn't want them initially, but once they were in me, I only want them.
Megan: I thought you wanted- I thought you wanted a beer- I thought you wanted a beer.
Rob: He wants the beer, too.
Charlie: I want both, Megan.
Megan: [chuckles] I'm so sorry.
Glenn: Do you guys want to hear how to get drunk without a hangover?
Charlie: Oh my God, you set that up and we blew it.
Glenn: I know, that's okay, that's alright. I'm-I'm-I'm going with the flow, but-but it just came back to me, and I realized I do wanna tell this because I think our listeners are gonna want to know or at least experiment.
Rob: You figured it out. Humans have been drinking for thousands of years but you've- wow, Charlie. No ceremony whatsoever.
Rob: He's past ceremony.
Glenn: Yeah, he--
Rob: He just for the listeners at home or in the car. Charlie just took the shot. Others are sitting here waiting-
Charlie: Well, well--
Rob: -for him to get his alcohol so that we could all slainte.
Charlie: I wanted it [laughs].
Glenn: You-- [laughs], "I wanted it," "I wanted it." That's fair, that sounds like a character.
Rob: Okay. To everybody but Charlie.
Glenn: “I just wanted it.”
Megan: Cheers, guys.
Charlie: No, I wanted to do it while I still had the spirit to do it-
Charlie: -because, uh, um, you know, you might start feeling your story and then suddenly I don't wanna do it.
Megan: You know-
Megan: -what's coming out in me already is when I get drunk, I wink a lot at people.
Megan: It's dangerous as a lady-
Glenn: Yeah, it is.
Megan: -to be doing that and I don't know why I do that.
Glenn: You know who hates winking is Caitlin. She fucking--
Megan: Oh, really?
Glenn: Yeah. And I do it to her all the time just 'cause it makes her cringe.
Glenn: Like, I'll-I'll, like- I'll say something that I- that's, like, that I recognize is, like, cheesy funny, and I'll give her, like, a little, uh, just a quick, like a little, you know, a quick wink, and she's just like, "Uh," [groans]. Like it goes through her body. Like I see that- I see it, like, uh, [groans]. Like she just [groans].
Charlie: She- She can't stand, and she doesn't like accents. People doing like-
Glenn: She hates accents.
Charlie: -accents. Uh-
Rob: I'm-I'm texting her to come hang out.
Charlie: -we've had ours. If you want yours, have it, but take your time-
Charlie: -but, this must be-- I wonder if this is the best episode to listen to or the fucking worst.
Glenn: I think- I think if anything, um, it could be slightly novel, but I definitely don't think we should fool ourselves and think that this is the best way to do--
Rob: [laughs] You’re slurring your words.
Rob: I mean, for God's sake.
Glenn: Well, that was- that was because I have--
Rob: That was the beer.
Glenn: Yeah, I had it in my mouth-
Rob: I mean, good Lord.
Glenn: -um, but, yeah, of course, I'm gonna start slurring my words.
Charlie: Alright. But for the listener at home who's going crazy because most people would love to be able to have a drink and never get hung over, what's the secret?
Glenn: Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, thank you for the prompt.
Rob: Oh, for fuck's sake.
Glenn: Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right.
Charlie: I suddenly got very sober.
Glenn: All right, all right, all right. Oh, God. That's not fun.
Charlie: I just want to hear your answer, then I'll get--
Glenn: Okay, all right. Here we go. I'm gonna- I'm gonna make this fast 'cause I'm afraid I'm gonna lose Rob. And, you know, his nose is gonna turn red and it's gonna be a whole thing.
Rob: You're not losing me. You're losing the audience.
Glenn: No, no, no, no, no. I'm not. I swear to God, I'm not.
Charlie: There's no audience. We're not airing this one.
Glenn: I swear I can feel it. I know where they are. They're right here. You know, for the listener, you can't see this, but I'm circling my palm. You're in the palm of my hand right now. I can feel it.
Glenn: Um, okay. So here-here's how you do it. You go to-- Yeah, let's say you're at a party, right? You-you're-- Or you're at a bar, okay? You wanna get drunk, but you don't wanna get a hangover, okay? And you want a clean buzz, okay? So you want a clean buzz 'cause a clean buzz, yeah.
Rob: It's pure.
Glenn: Yeah, it's pure. Okay. It's pure. All right, so you wanna drink a clear liquor and I would advise vodka. Okay. Here's what you do. You go to the bar and you order a shot of vodka and water. Okay? You drink-- You do the shot of vodka, you drink the fucking water. Then you get another shot of vodka. But every time you get a shot of vodka, you drink a bottle of water. Oh shit, is that the Russians?
Glenn: Is that the Russians?
Megan: It's a helicopter.
Charlie: It's just a helicopter. Go on.
Glenn: Is this a Red Dawn situation?
Charlie: It could be.
Glenn: Oh. We might, by the way.
Rob: I'm-I'm ready.
Glenn: You rea-- Are you rea--? Yeah-
Glenn: -I am too. I am too.
Glenn: I am too.
Rob: We believe in the second amendment in the McElhenney
Glenn: Buddy, I am armed to the teeth.
Rob: But not when you're drinking.
Megan: What do you mean you're--
Rob: Cut that. Cut that.
Charlie: Cut that. Cut that. Cut that. Cut that.
Glenn: By the way, when you're drinking, the guns don't go away. They stay where they are.
Rob: In the safe.
Glenn: Yes, but I'm--
Charlie: We get it. Drink a lot of water when you drink.
Rob: And by the way--
Glenn: Yes, yes, that-that's the gist of it. That is the gist of it.
Rob: You're telling us this as if we-we have like--
Charlie: Well, some--
Rob: Like, I-I think somebody told me that at-at 16.
Glenn: No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Charlie: Well, if someone had told me-me that at 20, it would have helped a lot.
Glenn: I'm telling you, guys- I'm telling you, guys. And I-I-I did this experiment with Jill too. And Jill, now this is what she will do sometimes when she needs to stay like, you know, sharp. [burps] There it is.
Glenn: At a party, you know? Yeah. Go for it [laughs].
Charlie: [upbeat guitar music] When Jill stays sharp.
Rob: Okay. Can I-- I'd like to do--
Glenn: Get on mic, buddy.
Charlie: Yeah, what would you like to do?
Rob: I'd like to do a reveal. I'd like to do a reveal of my ears.
Glenn: Oh shit, are your ears all red?
Rob: My ears so- are so hot.
Glenn: They're on fire?
Rob: Yeah. So I think my nose is gonna calm down, but my ears--
Glenn: Let's do it.
Charlie: [upbeat guitar music]
Megan: Let's see it.
Rob: I'll wait for my moment.
Charlie: [shrieks] Wow. Those are good ears. Perfectly colored.
Rob: Are they? They're not red?
Rob: They feel so hot.
Charlie: [sings] They're not even red.
Rob: I'm just so hot. It was--
Glenn: Wait, so that blows the hot nose theory right out the window. That blows the hot fucking nose 'cause what you were implying by saying that--
Rob: [laughs] Charlie nose is looking red to me.
Charlie: [sings] Because I'm Irish. He's an Irish man. And sometimes our noses get redder than we plan.
Charlie: If you wanna pick your kid up-
Charlie: -from school but your nose is looking red. You gonna look like a fool.
Charlie: 'Cause they know you've been drinking. And you're drunk. You've been drinking. That you're drinking.
Glenn: Oh. That was-- That's like, uh-
Rob: [laughs] That was good.
Glenn: -that's not just falsetto, that's like-
Rob: That's very good.
Glenn: -that's like beyond falsetto.
Charlie: Yeah, man.
Glenn: Yeah-yeah, man. No big.
Charlie: Yeah, man. You know what I gotta do
Glenn: Oh. So by the way, okay, so for the watcher, listener at home, um, when we do get drunk together, and it's been a while, we don't- we don't do it, but we used to do it. In the early seasons, we did it all the time. We'd fucking party and drink all the time. And if there was a piano or a guitar nearby, this is exactly the kind of thing that would happen. I remember being over at Danny's house, you would always sit down at the piano and start, you know, just-- And I was always so jealous of that.
Charlie: It's my happy place. It's my happy place.
Glenn: [laughs] Yeah.
Charlie: I-I did it all through college too. You know, like, I would sit-
Glenn: Oh, really?
Charlie: - sit in the-- I was faster. I was quicker. I'd sit in the hallway and just makeup songs about people as they walked by. I-I--
Glenn: [laughs] You would?
Charlie: Yeah. I don't know. I-I need to get it out of my system.
Megan: That's good for girls though, right? Good for attracting women.
Charlie: You know what? It was. And I was no good at attracting women until I picked up a guitar and then I was like, ''Oh, that works.''
Glenn: So did the women--
Megan: -I have a theory- I have a theory about why that is.
Charlie: Tell me why.
Glenn: Yeah, why is that?
Megan: Okay. So I feel the same about dance. Like why so many women were into Magic Mike and also why women are into men that play instruments.
Megan: I think it's because like there's a thing about masculinity that you can't express emotions and stay masculine at the same time.
Megan: And having an instrument or doing dance is a way of expressing emotions that's like-
Megan: -still considered-
Megan: -within the realms of masculinity. Yeah.
Glenn: Absolutely. I think- I think you are absolutely right.
Megan: Yeah. Thank you.
Glenn: I think she's absolutely right.
Megan: I need the validation. You never say that to me, Rob [laughs].
Glenn: And that's why he's laughing right now because he's like--
Charlie: And that's why you're so toned.
Glenn: Yeah, I once dated one.
Rob: He doesn't even know how condescending it is.
Megan: It's so-- Why is that so condescending to me, Rob?
Rob: Fuck that.
Glenn: Why is it condescending?
Megan: Oh, I disagree.
Rob: He's telling you how right you are.
Megan: I am right.
Glenn: Why is that condescending?
Rob: Because you're a man telling a woman that she is right-
Megan: No, I love that. I love it.
Rob: -about why women are attracted to men. Fuck you both.
Glenn: No, no, no. You know you're wrong.
Rob: No, I don't.
Glenn: Because-- You're wrong.
Rob: That's crazy.
Glenn: -You are wrong.
Rob: That's crazy.
Glenn: No, you're crazy. You're fucking that's cra-- [laughs]
Charlie: [upbeat guitar music]
Rob: That's what whiskey does.
Glenn: This is it. Don't– Yeah–
Rob: Uh-oh, shit.
Megan: [laughs] That's where whiskey goes.
Glenn: That's why I said let's don't do whiskey. That's why I said--
Rob: That's not true. I get it. I'm just joking.
Glenn: I know you are. I was validating Megan's point of view because I agreed with it. It's just that simple.
Megan: And I like it.
Glenn: She said something- She said something and I was like, ''Oh fuck, you're totally right.'' And I would've said that to anyone, man, woman, alien-
Glenn: He's in his own category.
Charlie: People don't even know about Ross yet.
Glenn: He's in his own category.
Charlie: That's next-level podcast shit.
Glenn: Get in the shot, Ross. Stick your- Stick your fucking face in Megan's shot. Let's have a look at Ross.
Megan: He's gonna take over for me when I move to that chair.
Glenn: He's wearing a Cazkanes hat.
Megan: Yeah. Oh yeah. Move over. Jump in.
Charlie: Jump in, Ross.
Megan: Jump in.
Glenn: Okay. This is Ross Maloney. Uh, this man has, uh, he's my rock.
Glenn: So I'm gonna get emotional. Ross is my rock.
Charlie: Love him.
Glenn: I love him.
Charlie: [sings] Ross is my rock.
Ross: Do you need- Do you need a tissue, man? I can go running.
Glenn: No, I'm good.
Charlie: [sings] I wanna get you a tissue. Ross is my rock. Ross is my rock is a good lyric.
Glenn: Yeah, it is. [chuckles] Yeah.
Charlie: [sings] Ross is my rock-
Glenn: He is though.
Charlie: He’s my rock.
Glenn: He really is.
Charlie: [sings] When I need a man to jump in for me, Ross is my rock. When I have a bubbly semi-clock, Ross is my rock.
Glenn: That's so stupid.
Megan: Well, Ross has also been very helpful to me by the way with the podcast. And he helped me set up today. And also, he, uh, wrote down some questions that we could ask you guys.
Glenn: Hey, let's do that.
Megan: Yeah, let's do some prompts. Um, so one of 'em is which of you guys is the most fun drunk?
Megan: And how would you categorize your drunk personality?
Charlie: For the listener at home, I think we're all equally fun.
Glenn: I agree. I-- We were all-- I think we're all happy drunks. I mean, I don't.
Charlie: Here's the thing. Ross, you're the one sober person in this situation now.
Glenn: Oh shit. I haven't done my shot.
Rob: Oh, come on.
Charlie: Oh my Lord.
Glenn: Hey, guys, I'm hammered. I didn't eat dinner- I didn't eat dinner tonight.
Rob: I'm ready for another one.
Glenn: Oh, you're fucking nuts. All right, I'll do it. This is gonna get messy.
Charlie: Ross, you sat in, but you haven't spoken [chuckles]. Who's the best drunk?
Rob: He doesn't even know us. He's-He's Glenn's rock.
Charlie: Tonight. No, you know what, Ross? I-It is not fair for you to– because Glenn might fire you.
Rob: Glenn pays you. I don't pay you shit. He's gonna--
Glenn: I wouldn't fire Ross for a million dollars.
Charlie: Let the man speak. All right. What's-what's your take on it?
Ross: Uh, okay. I'm-I'm seeing different styles emerge here. I-I like the musical comedy. But then the aggression, I-I-I was into it. I mean, I couldn't look away.
Charlie: I-I-I shot it down.
Rob: I like this guy. What are you paying this guy?
Charlie: I shot down the aggression. I should have let that flare up.
Rob: The aggression's fun. It's not real. Kind of is.
Charlie: Rob, you were mad at Glenn 'cause of why?
Glenn: [laughs] Yes, exactly.
Charlie: What else?
Ross: Well, I-I-
Ross: -I-I just wanna see it, like, you know, let's-let's-let's see what happens again. You want another shot? Like I-I-I'd be happy to put--
Rob: Yeah, I think we should probably do another shot if we're gonna-- If we're here at St. Patrick's Day, let's do another shot.
Charlie: Fucking Lord.
Rob: Look, I'm the only one that's gotta work tomorrow.
Glenn: What do you mean?
Ross: I'm working. I'm doing--
Charlie: How do you know that?
Glenn: How dare you?
Charlie: You sack of shit.
Rob: Because you told me.
Glenn: How dare you?
Rob: You both told me.
Glenn: I didn't tell you shit.
Rob: Yes, you did. You're on a sabbatical.
Glenn: Sort of. Yeah, but guess what? I’m workin–
Rob: Look, you're right, [laughs] but I didn't tell you that. Yes, you did.
Glenn: No, I'm not on sabbatical. I was supposed to be though.
Rob: You working tomorrow?
Glenn: Yeah, of course, I am. No, no I am. I am.
Glenn: I am. I get you, dude.
Megan: You guys all have kids. You work every day.
Rob: We gotta get up. I gotta-- We gotta take the kids to school.
Megan: You work every day.
Glenn: 100%, yeah, yeah.
Glenn: It's brutal. But I wake up every morning super early and meditate.
Charlie: Oh, bro, that's gonna be hard, dude.
Charlie: All right, Ross. Take a hike, man.
Glenn: Ross, go get Rob a shot.
Megan: Do you wanna-- Do you wanna take over-
Rob: No, 1.5 ounces for everybody.
Megan: Will you take over from me now? Because I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Glenn: Oh, what do you mean?
Megan: I'll go sit. I'm gonna just go sit over there.
Glenn: Yes. You get-- You're gonna officially join us.
Rob: All right, I meant for everybody.
Glenn: Should we get you a guitar?
Charlie: Ross, that means you're taking the wheel with the ones and the zeros, pal.
Rob: Oh, yeah.
Megan: Oh-uh, one--
Rob: But yeah, no, but i-it- but it's gotta be one point. You gotta measure it out so it's-it's an equal shot all the way across.
Glenn: Oh, no. We-- He doesn't have, oh-
Glenn: -I see, I see what you mean.
Charlie: -well, I'm down-
Glenn: You want to-- You want everyone to stay--
Charlie: -for playing together, but the electric is overpowered.
Glenn: It is, it is. Can you unplug it? Can you just- can you do like, how do you--
Charlie: Do you have another acoustic?
Glenn: Yeah, of course, he does.
Glenn: Yeah, I got another acoustic in the house.
Rob: Of course, he does.
Charlie: That's too low. [chuckles]
Glenn: Uh, I'm-I'm good. I'm-I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna do one right now. This is foolish, by the way. This is foolish. What do you have to do-
Charlie: Uh, by the way--
Glenn: What? By the way, when you say you have to work tomorrow, what are you doing? You breaking stories?
Rob: Breaking stories, buddy. Always breaking stories.
Charlie: Uh, I'll-I'll-- Let's say this to the- to the listener at home. We are in a safe space. We, uh, we're all driven here. Uh, I-
Glenn: Oh, yes.
Charlie: -I think it's important. I think- I think it's important.
Glenn: Well, I-I-I Ubered. We-we Ubered.
Rob: I live here.
Megan: For this theme of St. Patrick's Day-
Megan: -I wrote you guys some toasts which we can do with a shot in the style of a limerick.
Glenn: You-you wrote these?
Megan: -I wrote these limericks for each of you. But I think that you shouldn't read the one that's about you. You should read one that's about--
Glenn: I agree.
Megan: Have you ever heard-- Have you ever heard, like, um, a drinking limericks? Like, my favorite one was in this movie, um, Gentleman Prefer Blondes, which is-
Megan: -my-my favorite movie.
Rob: Of course.
Megan: And, uh, Marilyn Monroe-
Megan: -the- before they take a drink, she recites this limerick which is, uh, "There was an old fellow from Sydney who drank till he ruined a kidney. It shriveled and shrank but he drank and he drank. He had his fun doing it. Didn't he?”
Glenn: That's pretty good except it would be the liver, wouldn't it, not the kidney?
Megan: The liver-nose connection.
Charlie: Come on, come on.
Charlie: I’m gonna give you credit for that because totally right. Get your fucking rhymes right.
Glenn: Yeah, yeah.
Megan: Sorry, bro.
Megan: So I wrote limericks for you guys, so if we can do it.
Glenn: Oh my God, Megan--
Charlie: And by the way, you just had to pick a different town. There once was an old man from whatever-
Charlie: Delver who drank so much, he killed his liver. You know, whatever, Delver, liver.
Rob: Giving-- Thank you. Giving notes on a classic.
Glenn: Close enough.
Rob: Giving notes on a classic.
Charlie: The-- Megan, this is really good. Megan, you're a delightful writer.
Rob: She's the best.
Charlie: You're delightful writer.
Rob: Okay, all right. All right. Okay.
Glenn: Who's going first? Who's going first?
Charlie: I'll-I'll go first-
Charlie: -because I-I-I don't trust my ability to continue to speak and-and–umm–
Charlie: Let's raise our glasses to Glenn, the best of the five-star men. He's the host of this show, can’t stay safe on the snow.
Charlie: And he dreams of not chewing again.
Charlie: Megan, that's very good.
Rob: That's so good.
Charlie: That's very, very good.
Glenn: Yeah, a lot of references to-
Charlie: And if--
Glenn: -previous podcasts.
Charlie: And if someone at home doesn't think that it's good, they're fucking idiots.
Megan: [laughs] Oh, thanks.
Charlie: It's very good.
Rob: Cheers. We'll go a little bit for this one 'cause then we have three.
Glenn: Wait, did I already drink mine?
Rob: You said you do didn't want it.
Glenn: Oh, I don't remember. Rob, read yours.
Rob: [clears throat] Three cheers for our pal, Charlie Day.
Rob: He's one of a kind in a way. We'd flatter him more-
Rob: -but he'll walk out the door and forget every word that we said.
Charlie: Yeah. [laughs] Megan Ganz, look at you.
Rob: So good.
Rob: It's so good, it's like, God, damn, that's good. That is good.
Charlie: Why, did I forget something?
Megan: [laughs] No, never.
Glenn: That's so good.
Glenn: No, that is good.
Glenn: That is good. Well, Rob, that means this one's about you.
Rob: I guess so.
Glenn: You wanna hear it?
Glenn: What are you anticipating?
Glenn: I'm just curious.
Rob: -out of- out of the three of us.
Rob: I'm the one that's closest to Megan.
Glenn: Oh, so you're anticipating a roast?
Rob: I think it's gonna be-
Glenn: Yeah, roasty?
Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Rob: But we have, we are very close.
Glenn: So, she also loves you?
Rob: Yeah. Oh, yeah. We love each other very much.
Glenn: It's a love-hate relationship as it often is with someone you're close with.
Rob: Yes, but she does-- I'm-I'm guessing she doesn't love you. She likes you but she doesn't know you that well.
Glenn: Not-not nearly as well.
Megan: I mean, right now, I love everybody.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Charlie: Yeah, well, that's ah-
Charlie: -the beauty of the whiskey.
Rob: But you're keeping her because of your soc-sociopathy. You're keeping her on-
Glenn: That not sociopathy. That's not soci--
Rob: -at arm's length.
Glenn: That's not sociopathy. That's growing up in an Air Force family where you moved around a lot and had to protect yourself.
Rob: Got it.
Glenn: That's a whole thing.
Rob: Okay, all right. You're holding her.
Glenn: That's a whole thing that we can get into that.
Glenn: But I hold everyone at-at arm's length.
Rob: Got it. Okay.
Glenn: I don't like that about myself. I- It's ingrained. Okay. Uh, a toast to our good buddy, Rob. He's the reason we all got this job. Meh, hmm.
Glenn: Thank God he made Sunny to prove that he's funny.
Glenn: Because his--
Charlie: A little roast.
Rob: A big roast.
Glenn: Because his other show makes people sob.
Charlie: Oh, uh.
Glenn: God bless you, Megan.
Megan: A little roast.
Rob: God bless you, Megan Gazt. Now–
Megan: Uh, cheers.
Charlie: A good brain you got on you.
Rob: Listen, we should huddle up.
Charlie: Huddle up?
Rob: In the other room or send Megan into the bathroom or something and try to write a limerick about Megan on the whiteboard.
Glenn: You feel bad?
Megan: See, the thing is nothing rhymes with Megan.
Glenn: You feel--
Megan: It's one of those words. Like, I never had a nickname.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Megan: Rhymes-- Nothing rhymes with Megan.
Charlie: Meg. We can rhyme with Meg.
Rob: God bless that we know you, Megan.
Charlie: We could spend our whole goddamn life beggin'.
Charlie: For someone as brilliant as, back to Megan.
Megan: No, you--
Glenn: However, I reckon.
Charlie: However, I reckon we won't find one.
Glenn: Yes. Yeah.
Megan: I'll take that. Cheers.
Charlie: I'll find another Megan.
Megan: [clears throat]
Rob: To bourbon.
Megan: Oh, it's too much- too much whiskey.
Glenn: You guys, I'm feeling a lot of love for as much as--
Rob: We have officially finished the bottle. We opened it and we finished it.
Glenn: Finished the whole, okay. We finished the bottle.
Charlie: Well, it's a different thing. If you're just making noise, it's a different thing.
Rob: No, I'm trying to.
Rob: I don't have the aco-acoustic guitar. I'm trying to play along to the thing but I didn't get a-- I didn't have--
Charlie: Oh, here, here.
Rob: No, I don't need the guitar. I was trying to play along to your song 'cause it's cool to hear the soundtrack to the song.
Charlie: Rob also plays guitar very well as does Glenn.
Glenn: Yes, he does. Hmm?
Charlie: We all- we all can tinker on a guitar.
Megan: Guys are all very musical.
Charlie: We can tinker. We can tinker.
Megan: Very musical.
Charlie: And we can do a har- a harmony, which is pretty cool. We'd go like–
Glenn: Yeah, go ahead.
Charlie: It's not terrible.
Glenn: Why is it so satisfying to harmonize? It is so satisfying. I grew up doing that with my sister. Like, we would sit in the back seat of the car. We would listen to songs on the radio and we would sit back hearing--
Charlie: You wanna hear my, like, hippie version of that?
Charlie: Because the harmony is in tune with, like, whatever vibrations of the planet, like.
Rob: Oh, we're getting into some Eckhart Tolle shit.
Charlie: I don't read that fucking guy, man.
Rob: I know it's the same thing.
Charlie: He's not the fucking boss to me. [chuckles] Um, it's the same as, like, why-why it feels good to, like, fucking lay in water? You know, like, I don't know. There's a certain, like--
Charlie: It's an elemental thing.
Glenn: There's a frequency.
Charlie: There's a frequency, it's a frequency.
Charlie: That's an elemental fucking fact, bro.
Glenn: We're talking elemental facts today, guys.
Charlie: I'm talking elemental facts, bro. [claps]
Megan: Okay, I've got a question for you guys related to music.
Megan: So, if this were your Irish wake, what song would you like played-
Rob: Oh, ooh.
Megan: -after your death, like, for people to rock to?
Rob: I think I have one but first, I'll be- I'll be right back.
Charlie: Uh, I think it'd be like Amazing Grace. Like, you sing it.
Glenn and Charlie: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.
Megan: [laughs] That sounds hilarious.
Glenn and Charlie: That saved a wretch like me, I once was lost. But now I'm found. Was blind but now I see.
Megan: Oh, my goodness. That was amazing, you guys.
Charlie: Oh, man.
Megan: Can you-- Will you do that at my funeral when I die?
Rob: Can you play Fairytale of New York?
Megan: Oh, I love that song.
Rob: I think that would be the song I would want.
Glenn: Oh, sure. I don't know what that is.
Charlie: Fairytale of New York, fairytale
Glenn: You don't know it either.
Charlie: No, what the fuck is that?
Glenn: No, what the fuck is that?
Rob: It's the Pogues.
Megan: It's the best Christmas song.
Rob: It's The Pogues.
Charlie: I probably know it and don't know that I know it.
Rob: You know it and it would be--
Megan: That's the best Christmas song.
Rob: That would be a good wake song.
Megan: Yeah. It's a great one.
Rob: 'Cause it's happy and sad, and sad and happy.
Charlie: You know what? I never could play other people's songs because the only way I ever played music was, like-- To just make up shit, kind of like what we're doing tonight.
Charlie: And I-- Sometimes-- I learned a couple of songs, but I didn't learn songs. I didn't really learn how to read music.
Charlie: And I never could play. Like, people were like, "Hey, play this," I'm like, "Sorry, man. I don't know how to do that."
Glenn: Well, you didn't learn shit. You just, like, do a thing that you wanna do.
Charlie: You tend to--
Glenn: But you don't know how to-- Like, you didn't spend a lot of time learning--
Charlie: Other people's shit, yeah.
Glenn: Other people's songs. Right.
Charlie: I could, because you-- They tend to be-- There's 12 notes.
Glenn: Yeah, there's not that many chords.
Charlie: They tend to overlap.
Rob: But that's really interesting. Well, first of all, your parents are music teachers.
Rob: Right? So that's-- But it is fascinating, 'cause like, any-- The way that I learned to play the guitar is, you go, "Well, I want to play a song I know," so you learn how to play that song.
Charlie: I did that too. I got a Neil Young, like, chord book and I learned, like, a bunch of--
Rob: Heart of Gold.
Charlie: Yeah, Heart of Gold. All the songs in like Decade. And-- But I also was like, from the day I picked up a guitar, trying to just, like, write my own things.
Rob: Let's play a song you wrote.
Glenn: Are you-- Are you willing--
Megan: Well, he wrote-- By the way, I remember you for The Gang Turns Black, I remember you coming in one day and having written all the songs in, like, a day.
Glenn: One day.
Megan: In one day. You came in and you were like, "Here's all the songs."
Charlie: Well, you know what the thing is, though, I'm always, like, tinkering with stuff.
Glenn: My memory's the same as yours. In one night, like, you sent us videos of, like--
Megan: The songs.
Glenn: Seven or eight songs. Like, every song.
Megan: Like how they ended up in the episode.
Glenn: Yeah. Yeah.
Megan: Not like a first draft.
Charlie: Well, I mean-- It's not such a talent that I was, like, able to be, like, "Here's 10 songs." It was more like-- I've got-- I've been like tinkering with a bunch of songs and ideas for many years, and I do nothing with them, so let's use them on the show.
Glenn: Yesh. Yeah, you're being--
Megan: You're being humble.
Glenn: You're being humble, and I get that, and I get that, but it's fucking crazy that one day-- In one day, we got a fucking video of, like, 10 songs.
Glenn: Like, with you singing them--
Megan: So good.
Glenn: And playing them on the guitar. And then, you know-- We gave them to Cormick, of course. And Cormick filled 'em out. But like--
Glenn: I mean--
Charlie: I would love to do a musical together. I'm putting it out there. But I would love--
Rob: Oh, like a Broadway musical?
Glenn: Like a--
Charlie: Like, write this--
Rob: But not-- But of Sunny, or of something else? Like, something new.
Charlie: No, something else.
Charlie: Just, like, write the songs--
Rob: Like a Book of Mormon type thing.
Charlie: Like a Book of Mormon type thing. I think it'd be really fun.
Rob: That would be very fun.
Glenn: But like-- I mean, with-- I mean, Trey and Matt, they didn't act in it. Would we act in it?
Charlie: Well, we could, because we're that good.
Glenn: That fucking good.
Megan: I have a game for you guys. Can you guess what time it is, right now?
Glenn: I have no idea.
Charlie: Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Glenn: I have no idea.
Charlie: 8:00 PM.
Megan: Anybody else?
Rob: Yeah. I'm gonna say it's--
Glenn: My watch is fucked.
Kaitlin Olsen: I can help you out with that.
Charlie: Get in! It's Kaitlin
Glenn: There she is. Sit your fucking ass down.
Kaitlin: I don't-- I came in to say it's the children's bedtime. And I-- You know, I'm--
Rob: So it's gotta be around eight?
Kaitlin: Yeah, it's right around eight. That's why I know what time it is. Sorry to crash. It's just-- You are in my own home.
Rob: We're in my office. This is my space.
Kaitlin: It's not your office. It's our office. We built this house. We built this office.
Charlie: Shared space.
Kaitlin: Thank you
Glenn: We've had a lot of whiskey tonight.
Kaitlin: I've been listening.
Glenn: And I am so fucking happy to see you.
Kaitlin: I'm so happy to see you.
Glenn: Oh, what a breath of fresh air.
Kaitlin: Hi, Glenn. Charlie, I love your Hitler mustache. You look nice.
Charlie: No. No. Stop that.
Charlie: Stop that.
Charlie: Hitler-- It was just there, a little--
Kaitlin: He stopped it a little earlier.
Charlie: But I grew it all the way to the side.
Kaitlin: You tried, you tried.
Charlie: This means I'm gonna, like, kill everyone and everything. And this means I'm just going to arrest you, but I might take a bribe.
Glenn: Well, by the way--
Kaitlin: I apologize.
Rob: By the way, Should we do the shot while Kaitlin is here?
Megan: Yeah, cheers, Kaitlin.
Charlie: Well, Kaitlin doesn't have one.
Kaitlin: I have a-- I don't have a shot. I don't think it's--
Glenn: What are you drinking? What are you drinking?
Kaitlin: I've got tequila, and lime juice, and bubbly water.
Charlie: Well, don't--
Glenn: God bless you.
Kaitlin: God bless you.
Charlie: Yeah, one of you guys has to drive the kids to school tomorrow.
Glenn: This is foolish. This is foolish.
Kaitlin: That's me.
Glenn: This is fucking foolish.
Charlie: This is the dumb one. This is the dumb one.
Glenn: This is the dumb one.
Kaitlin: I think-- I've been listening, and it seems like it's been dumb for a bit.
Charlie: That was the dumb one.
Megan: Kaitlin, do you have any good drinking slash St. Patrick's Day memories? Either with these guys, or without them?
Kaitlin: I don't remember life without them.
Megan: Okay. That's good.
Kaitlin: It's been-- Oh, it wasn't like a-- 'Cause it was so great. It's just been-- We've been together for a really long time, but it's also been really, really great. What have we do, what do we do, do we--
Rob: What was life before me?
Kaitlin: That's right.
Rob: I mean, come on.
Kaitlin: What was life before Rob? I don't know. Trash--
Rob: Giant dicks and tall men.
Kaitlin: It was just big, big dicks, and lots of drugs, and very tall, handsome men.
Megan: Thank God that's over.
Kaitlin: But you know what? Their egos weren't big.
Rob: Thank God that's--
Kaitlin: And so now--
Rob: That's the thing. It doesn't matter how big you are.
Kaitlin: It matters how big your ego is?
Rob: No, it matters how big you believe yourself to be.
Kaitlin: Oh, oh, oh.
Megan: Are you sure?
Rob: Sweetie, this dick is giant. You just don't know it.
Glenn: Yeah, no one knows it.
Megan: Kaitlin, I heard you don't like winking.
Kaitlin: Oh, God, no.
Glenn: We were just talking about this earlier.
Megan: I was saying-- 'Cause when I get drunk, I wink a lot. And now I feel bad.
Kaitlin: No, no. I think if it was from you, it wouldn't be so creepy.
Kaitlin: For me, it's a man--
Glenn: No, if she fucking winked at you out of the blue, that wouldn't be like--
Charlie: She didn't--
Glenn: I wasn't expecting that.
Kaitlin: I'll tell you why.
Glenn: Why would she do that?
Kaitlin: To me, a man winking at me is, like, this private thing that he tried to sneak across without anybody else knowing.
Glenn: This is why--
Kaitlin: And I want it all to be public. And if you're gonna say something to me, say it out loud. If Megan winked at me, it would just be a-- You can wink at me all you want.
Glenn: This is why-- But I love this about you.
Kaitlin: I do not like a man winking at me.
Glenn: I love this about you. I love this. This makes me so-- Like, I love this. And so, I will wink at you.
Glenn: I wink at you all the fucking time.
Kaitlin: Yeah, yeah.
Charlie: But that's a different scenario.
Kaitlin: If I'm across the room--
Charlie: You know it's a safe situation.
Kaitlin: I do.
Glenn: Of course.
Kaitlin: It still triggers me a little bit.
Charlie: She knows it gives you a rise.
Kaitlin: Yes. I'll laugh. I'm happy to laugh.
Glenn: But it also-- Yes, because she knows--
Kaitlin: But I also hate it, for like, a fraction of a second, I hate it.
Glenn: Yes, yes, yes. And I love it so much.
Glenn: And you're totally right.
Kaitlin: Yeah, don't--
Glenn: Because it is this weird--
Kaitlin: Don't try and sneak me like a sneaky little note and nobody else knows about it. Like, if you're gonna be inappropriate, be inappropriate where everybody else can hear about it, so everybody-- I can, like, confer with other people.
Megan: You need a paper trail.
Kaitlin: Yes, I want a paper trail.
Megan: Yeah, paper trail. Yeah.
Kaitlin: And how am I gonna track that? What if I say, "He winked at me." How am I gonna prove that? Nobody saw it. It was so sneaky and quick. Don't like it. Megan, you can wink at me all you want. Let's do it.
Glenn: Oh, my God. I love it.
Megan: I do, but for the same reason, it's dangerous. I don't know what it is about me getting drunk, but I wink a lot, and then I wink at guys and I'm like, "I don't mean it. I don't mean it."
Kaitlin: Like, I know.
Megan: It's just like an involuntary--
Charlie: That is very dangerous.
Megan: It's dangerous.
Rob: That's dangerous.
Kaitlin: It is, And I've noticed that I've done it a couple times accidentally, while laughing and smiling. Like, a wink will come out and I'm like, "No, no, wait, hold on." And I do feel compelled to be like, "I didn't mean to. That wasn't a-- I'm sorry. I didn't. I just meant to smile." I feel like apologizing for it, 'cause winks are terrible. Stop it.
Glenn: What do you mean? What do you mean?
Kaitlin: We should outlaw and ban winks.
Charlie: Down with winks. Yeah.
Kaitlin: Down with winks.
Glenn: But if I wink to my wife, would you be okay with that?
Kaitlin: Yeah. That's okay. That's okay. If you guys have a contract and it's okay with-- If Rob winks at me, it's fine. It's not creepy.
Rob: I've never winked at anybody in my entire life.
Kaitlin: That's why I'm comfortable. That's why I'm comfortable.
Charlie: Can you wink? Can you wink?
Rob: I don't think so.
Kaitlin: That's why I married him.
Glenn: Give us a wink. Give us a wink.
Charlie: Try to wink. Try to close one eye.
Kaitlin: One eye.
Rob: One eye?
Glenn: I wanna see both eyes actually. I wanna see both eyes.
Kaitlin: No, you-- You gotta do it real quick.
Charlie: Can you close one eye?
Kaitlin: My-- I know--
Glenn: It's gotta be a quick one.
Charlie: Yeah, he's got it.
Kaitlin: No, see, that was so obvious. See, anybody in the room would know. No, no, no, no. That was bad.
Glenn: No, no, no, no.
Kaitlin: I'm uncomfortable with this kind of wink. Watch this. Watch. Do you see what I'm saying?
Charlie: You hated it!
Rob: Wait, wait, let me see it.
Glenn: But you're good at it.
Kaitlin: Well, that's why it's so upsetting.
Rob: Do it again.
Kaitlin: I'm just sitting here, right? Like we're just at a-- Like, no big deal.
Glenn: So that makes me thinks that there's part of you that--
Rob: Wait, wait, wait. Do it again. Do it again.
Kaitlin: Snuck it in. Why, to you? All right, we're all in the middle of a conversation.
Rob: Where's the camera? Do it to the camera.
Kaitlin: I don't know what my camera-- Is this my camera?
Charlie: Here, this one.
Kaitlin: I just did it. It's very, very quick.
Charlie: Now is it that a wink's so upsetting?
Kaitlin: Because it's sneaky.
Glenn: Right, ultimately.
Rob: She just explained it, like, for a good 10 minutes. I mean, she literally just explained it.
Glenn: Yes, but she didn't--No, no.
Rob: What is happening? I'm gonna piss. When I come back--
Charlie: You know what? You know what? You want the God's honest truth? I was not interested.
Charlie: I wasn't listening.
Glenn: How many episodes of the show have you seen?
Rob: Yeah, we were talking about how-- Yeah.
Kaitlin: Why are you guys thinking that I don't watch it?
Rob: You haven't watched that many episodes of the show.
Glenn: I don't know, but like, I'm curious. Are there-- Hold on. Are there episodes of the show that you've never seen?
Kaitlin: There were only a couple of years there, where Rob was a little bit-- So, I think it was right before the Glenn Howerton burnout.
Kaitlin: Yeah. There--
Glenn: Wait, which one?
Kaitlin: There was a couple.
Glenn: Which one?
Rob: Okay. We'll come back to that, 'cause that's where we're talking about when we've been drinking--
Kaitlin: No, seriously.
Rob: And how many times you've quit the show. We should talk about that.
Kaitlin: Okay, so there was a lot of burnout, and-- 'Cause we were doing back to back to back, to back, to back. And for Danny and I, it was really fun, 'cause we were showing up in-- You know, working for two and a half months out of a year, it was no big deal. You guys were writing, and editing, and shooting, and it was a lot. Um, there were a couple of seasons where Rob was so in the editing room, constantly, that when the shows would come out, he wouldn't want to watch them, and-- With me. And we had little kids, and we had a tiny amount of time to watch TV together, so I didn't see those ones. But I always wanted to watch them, and I love watching them. And I'm not one of those people who's, like, "Oh, I can't watch myself," which I don't judge, I just, I- I love the show, and I think it's really funny, and when it comes on, I see it. And--
Glenn: Also- also, if I may, and I could be wrong-
Kaitlin: You may. [chuckles]
Glenn: -please correct me if I'm wrong, I would say you've got your priorities straight.
Glenn: You- you- you've got other things that you're concerned with. You're concerned with your-- The life of your children.
Kaitlin: Mostly, it's the kids, yeah.
Glenn: This is- this a job.
Glenn: You know what I mean?
Rob: Speaking of which, what-- Who-- Is somebody in there with them? [
Kaitlin: I was just gonna say, no, I--
Rob: They're just ru- They just running wild in there.
Kaitlin: I do need to go pretty soon, and put them to bed, but, um--
Glenn: I don't want you to go.
Kaitlin: I know.
Rob: How many- how many shots have we taken?
Glenn: That's a lot- a lot.
Rob: So we did the- we did--
Megan: A lot.
Kaitlin: You are looking at me but I've got no idea. I just got here.
Glenn: Like six or seven.
Rob: Yeah, we did the three to start-
Charlie: I'm hammered.
Rob: -then we did one after that.
Megan: Four or five.
Glenn: Six at least.
Megan: I'm just having another one.
Rob: I think six.
Kaitlin: Oh, Megan, good for you.
Charlie: Is that the one-- Was that the last one or was that- was that the one from--
Megan: The other one.
Rob: Okay. So we do one more and call it a night?
Megan: I have to say, because I'm drunk enough to be overly, um-
Kaitlin: I love you, Megan.
Megan: -emotional. Kaitlin is the whole reason I got involved with any of you guys-
Kaitlin: Oh, my God, I love you.
Megan: -in the first place.
Rob: What do you mean? Is that true?
Megan: Yeah, because she's the thing that made me keep watching Sunny.
Megan: Like, she's the thing that really-- I, uh, in my life, I've had two major, uh, female comedy influences. One was Molly Shannon on SNL-
Megan: -yeah, and the other is Kaitlin Olson on The Always Sunny.
Rob: Wow, yeah.
Kaitlin: Oh my God, really?
Megan: And the reason was, because-- It's so seldom, you see a woman put comedy in front of everything else in their performance. And I just-- From the very first moment that I saw-- I still remember seeing, um, $100 Baby, and you doing that shot-
Glenn: Yeah, yeah.
Megan: -and then I don't know why you are- why you are shaving your face. And I was like, "She's going so hard after the joke and she's not worrying about, like, how that--"
Glenn: There's a complete lack of desperation.
Megan: Yeah. And it- and it- and I felt so-- It was so-- I-I saw-- I felt power through that, like, I really-- And I watched that and I was like, "I want to be involved with whatever that is."
Kaitlin: You know, like, I don't think this is the right forum for it, but like, [clears throat] I grew up really hating myself, like really, like-- Again, the tragic accident when I was in sixth grade. I was- I was hideous-
Kaitlin: -through middle school and high school. I-I-I think that's kind of out there. But like, I really always hated myself and hated-- Definitely hated what I looked like. But I always really, really looked up to Carol Burnett and Gilda Radner-
Kaitlin: -because they would unapologetically just go for the character.
Kaitlin: -they didn't care what they looked like. It wasn't about being a beautiful woman, it was about being just fucking funny. And when I would, uh, really, uh, dig into characters I loved, when it came from the inside-
Kaitlin: -and you didn't care what you looked like on the outside, that's when you felt-
Kaitlin: -really funny and authentic.
Charlie: Comedy, specifically, but all entertainment, but specifically comedy, helps us process our wounds. Like, we all are-- We're wounded people. Like, we want to feel infallible and want to feel great, but we're wounded, or we have our childhood [chuckles] insecurities-
Charlie: -and they create these wounds. And when someone leans into it and doesn't fight against it, and says-
Charlie: "-I'm gonna lean into the thing that could be wounding, I'm gonna be willing to look embarrassing," right? When Will Ferrell takes his shirt off-
Kaitlin: Yes-yes, it's a buzz.
Charlie: -and runs around in his underwear, and he's got a scar on his belly.
Kaitlin: And his butt.
Charlie: -and he doesn't-- And he seems okay with his-- He doesn't seem to have the vanity to say, "Oh, I need to look perfect," I-It helps us feel better about our own imperfection. And I think that's why we love our- our comedic actors, right?
Megan: Yeah. It made me feel less alone.
Rob: Let's drink this last shot and call it a night.
Kaitlin: I all ready drank and I th- I didn't know it was -
Rob: Kaitlin drank it.
Glenn: Oh this -
Megan: Cheers, guys.
Glenn: -this is so stupid.
Rob: Well, should we do the sobriety test?
Glenn: Oh, yeah- yeah.
Megan: Yeah, it's a lot of standing on one foot. [chuckles]
Glenn: Let's do that- let's do that.
Rob: Can we have the cameras work?
Charlie: We need a breathalyzer.
Rob: Let's guess who's the drunkest.
Kaitlin: Do it.
Megan: You're supposed to put your hands out.
Glenn: Okay, are we gonna predict it?
Kaitlin: Oh, okay, yes-yes.
Glenn: I don't know, this is-
Rob: I don't have a breathalyer, I wish I fucking got.
Kaitlin: Oh fuck. I feel like-- I might have one in my car.
Glenn: We know, but then- But you are b--
Rob: You have a breathalyzer in your car? I think Glenn is probably the drunkest, which is crazy, that you're not the drunkest.
Glenn: Do you think I am?
Rob: Based on your weight..
Glenn: What are you basing this on? Like be--
Rob: Behaviors. Well, actually, I would say behavioral changes.
Rob: Well, he's just quiet. But I think- I think- I think you've changed the most.
Charlie: I will say, I'm- I'm very drunk.
Charlie: I don't need to prove anything, the alcohol works.
Kaitlin: Yeah, it works- it works. It did it's job-- It did- it did it's job.
Charlie: A-a-a-a stunning fine job, I mean.
Rob: It's done what it- what's it advertised--
Glenn: But I do-- But-but th- but the real test- the real test is the fucking test-
Megan: Yeah, that's right.
Glenn: -the actual test, the sobriety test.
Rob: Listen, let's do it, let's all do it.
Charlie: Let's do it, let's see who passes it the most.
Kaitlin: I'm gonna pass.
Rob: She even hasn't had the whiskey, she's just drinking her tequila drink.
Glenn: You can do it. You won't do it?
Kaitlin: I'm a pa-- No, I'm saying I'm gonna pass.
Glenn: You won't do it?
Kaitlin: I'll do it.
Glenn: I thought you said I'm gonna pass.
Kaitlin: No, I'm gonna pass- I'm gonna pass this test.
Rob: All right, Kaitlin, you go first.
Glenn: Oh you, um, and you are gonna pass the test? Kaitlin goes first.
Rob: Ross, why don't-- Why don't you walk her through it?
Glenn: Kaitlin- Kaitlin.
Kaitlin: Yeah, buddy.
Rob: Ross is just gonna walk Kaitlin through it, she's gonna do it. We're gonna see it on camera and we're going to talk about it.
Glenn: Ross– What is this?
Charlie: Do you pass?
Ross: Okay, we got it.
Rob: She's already doing something she hasn't been asked to do.
Ross: This is pretty good, but Kaitlin, you cannot use your hands to balance you.
Charlie: That's– Yeah, yeah.
Ross: Yeah, yeah. One leg up. Okay
Charlie: Yeah, that's the first failure that you've--
Glenn: Don't-- Wha-what are you doing? Why are you a yoga person?
Kaitlin: I don't even know-- But I-I don't know.
Glenn: Then jus-just fucking hang out until he tells you what to do.
Ross: Yeah, it's really--
Rob: Just be cool, man.
Glenn: Just be cool, man.
Ross: I count to 30 seconds and you just have to-- It's all just one leg- one leg up. No hands.
Charlie: The test is, "Can you be cool?"
Ross: No hands, no swaying.
Glenn: [chuckles] Can you just be fucking cool for, like, 30 minutes.
Rob: that's all-- That's it?
Charlie: Can you be cool?
Glenn: Can you be fucking cool for like 10 minutes?
Rob: I don't know that I could do sober.
Ross: No, no. No-no, swaying, no hands.
Glenn: No hands, no hands.
Rob: Oh, she's falling- she's falling- she's falling.
Rob: She fell, she fell.
Ross: That's about- that's about eight seconds.
Glenn: Come on, Kaitlin.
Ross: No-no-no, disqualified.
Rob: Okay, you're out.
Charlie: Oh-oh, shit.
Rob: Glen, you're next.
Kaitlin: –came down.
Rob: You've all ready failed, swan, you failed. Sit down.
Glenn: Swan, you failed.
Rob: Glenn, how about-- Do your eyes have to be closed?
Ross: No, eyes can be open.
Rob: Eyes can be open, but your hands have to be down.
Ross: Hands have to be down, yes.
Kaitlin: You don’t want to be–
Ross: Yes, no swaying.
Rob: That's so difficult to do, even if you're dead sober, to stand on one leg, with no-- No, but is it not a swan, just one leg up.
Ross: Just one leg up.
Megan: Oh my gosh.
Rob: Yeah, you're doing it like a swan?
Glenn: Okay, what's the thing- what's the thing again?
Ross: Okay. So, what she's doing is wrong.
Rob: Okay, yeah, so, yeah. So, Kaitlin, sit down. Stop. She's peacocking.
Glenn: Okay, what am I trying to do?
Ross: You're gonna have-- You're gonna lift your leg, you choose the leg, and then just-- Yeah, hands down by your side, arms down by your side, no swaying, nothing to help your balance.
Glenn: What do you mean, like that?
Ross: Yeah. And now you're holding that for 30 seconds. And you're not using anything else-
Ross: -and you're not swaying.
Rob: No, come on--
Ross: There's a little sway, there's a little rock.
Rob: he's got that.
Kaitlin: Five, six.
Rob: If you're dead sober, that's impossible.
Charlie: There's a little sway in there.
Rob: No, that's fake. Come on.
Ross: That was good, though.
Rob: You're telling me that a- that a dead sober person can stand there on one leg-- Fuck that. What are you, a gymnist? Get outta here.
Megan: I can tell you right now, you're all drunk.
Charlie: Yeah, I don't need the test- I don't need the test to tell you I’m hammered.
Rob: But my point is, you're gonna fail that if you're sober. There's no way. You can stand there, dead sober, with one leg up, you're bouncing your entire body weight on one leg without swaying in any way, and keeping your arms to the side, what are you? You're a circus performer? Fuck off.
Rob: Sorry, go ahead.
Glenn: That's not that circusy.
Rob: Yes, it is. You're balancing your entire weight. A human being is designed to walk on two legs.
Rob: So you're taking all of your weight, putting it on one leg, you're not going to sway back and forth.
Glenn: And Ross, what's the next thing, what's the next challenge?
Ross: Next thing, so yeah, you're lined up, you're going to take nine steps, heel to toe, and then you're just going to pivot right back around and do it. Um, okay.
Ross: So straight line, one foot, heel to toe. Next step, nine steps, one way.
Megan: They don't want- they don't want do any of this homework. Guys, it's all--
Rob: So don’t do– but just- but just do-do it this way, turn around and go back-
Rob: -heel to toe.
Megan: I'm gonna focus in on the edit and I'm gonna focus in on Charlie being not at all interested in this.
Glenn: Yeah, that's interesting- that's interesting.
Rob: Oh okay, well now we're getting somewhere, now we're getting some-- Cause you should be able to do this, right?
Glenn: I know- I know- I know. Okay, wait.
Rob: You've all- you've ready failed.
Glenn: No, I'm yeah.
Megan: He's not.
Glenn: I know you're gonna-- Just give me-- Like, now I know the deal.
Rob: Now, we're starting here. So the cops like, "Great, okay, buddy, now we're starting, okay."
Megan: [laughs] Now we're starting.
Rob: Yeah, okay. We'll start wherever you want. Oh but the- how about this- how about this, pal? We'll just-- Mr. Howerton, we'll start whenever you want.
Charlie: “Hey, Mr. Howerton, how many restarts would you like?”
Glenn: One, two, three.
Ross: Four. Okay, I'll get the cuffs right out.
Glenn: That's fucking hard.
Charlie: Well, you're just--
Glenn: I thought I could do this.
Charlie: By the way, the test is good.
Glenn: Okay. Wait, wait, wait.
Charlie: It proves that you're drunk, which we all know.
Rob: Sir, sir, you know what we like to do? We like to give people lots of chances at it.
Glenn: Sir, listen.
Rob: Before we put you behind the wheel again, we're going to give you another chance.
Glenn: “Mr. Officer, Mr. Officer, this is very complicated in many ways, for many reasons. Okay? Beyond the fact that I'm fucking hammered right now.”
Glenn: Okay. One-
Charlie: Dear officer-
Glenn: -two, three, four, five.
Charlie: -one, two, three, four, five, six.
Glenn: six, seven, eight, nine.
Charlie: See how many steps I took-
Megan: Okay. Good.
Charlie: -to prove that I could walk in a straight line.
Glenn: -two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Rob: Now I- I-- Oh, and you fell right at the very end.
Ross: There's the arrest. There's the arrest.
Rob: I do think-
Glenn: If I do this, is that better? Does that help?
Rob: -that a part of it- that a part of it is that you can't look down.
Ross: You can't look down. You can't-- Yeah, you can't. Your gaze can’t–
Rob: He was just looking down. You're supposed to look forward.
Glenn: You can't look down? Oh, I didn't know that.
Rob: God, that is tricky.
Glenn: I have to look forward? Alright, alright, alright.
Ross: Yes. You're supposed -- right, right, right.
Glenn: Alright. That's fair. That's fair.
Megan: It's almost like they are tricking you into not being drunk. [crosstalk]
Ross: You can't aid your balance in any way. That would be looking down. You can't aid your balance.
Charlie: Mr. Howerton, we're going to give you another shot.
Glenn: One, two, three, four-
Rob: Unless, you might even be better.
Megan: Dead eyes. [laughs]
Glenn: -five, six, seven.
Rob: Dead eyes. Dead eyes.
Charlie: Dead eyes.
Rob: Nice. That's even better looking up.
Megan: Dead eyes.
Ross: And back. That was good.
Rob: Officer, all I need to do is practice. Let me practice.
Glenn: One, two, three, four- [laughs]
Rob: No problem. Oh, Oh.
Glenn: -five, six,-
Ross: There's a little English on that.
Glenn: -seven, eight-
Rob: See, I think you would do that if you were sober-- Okay, yeah.
Glenn: -nine. Boom. [laughs] Motherfuchker. I was looking straight ahead, bitch.
Megan: None of us are driving home, just to be totally clear for the podcast.
Rob: Fuck, no.
Glenn: Hell, no. I'm not driving home.
Charlie: No, we've all been driven here.
Glenn: But, speaking of which, uh, we probably should go home.
Charlie: By the way, we did it.
Megan: This was great. We definitely did it tonight.
Glenn: We did it. We did the fuck out of it.
Glenn: And, um, good luck editing this, because Jesus Christ.
Charlie: God bless.
Megan: Play us out, Charlie.
Megan: Play us out something.
Charlie: Play us out something.
Glenn: That's a lot of pressure.
Charlie: We came to be funny,
But we searched for the truth.
We told some yarns,
Got long in the tooth.
But life's just that way,
If you're lucky, that is.
I guess I'm just foolish,
For living in bliss, for I am happy.
I guess that makes me awfully sunny,
And that's why we're here.
For we are sunny, even though we seem blank.
Sometimes it may appear, but we are sunny,
‘cause we are hopeful, in a way.
And we're honest with each other.
And I guess that's just the way we appear.
We are sunny in our way,
And this will be what we're know for,
Till our very last day.
Glenn: Oh, my God.
Rob: That's good, man.
Megan: Very good.
Glenn: Wow, I just got actually emotional.
Charlie: I don't know.
Glenn: I just got actually emotional about it.
Megan: [laughs] That's the whiskey.
Rob: Yeah, the whiskey.
Charlie: [laughs] That's the whiskey talking.
Glenn: Wow, that just really got me.
Rob: That's what it's like being with him.
Rob: That's what it's like being with him, you know, being with both you guys.
Charlie: I don't know what I said.
Megan: Charlie's already forgotten it.