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Episode #32

Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender

Any listener right now needs to become a creep very quickly.

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32. Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender

On the pod, the guys revisit Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 3, Episode 11. 

Rob McElhenney: Welcome to the podcast, everybody.

Charlie Day: And we're back.

Rob: Glenn, how are you? You guys are all over the world. I-I'm in the city that we all live in. You're- you're elsewhere.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Rob: Can you tell us where you are?

Charlie: I'm in New York City.

Glenn Howerton: New York City.

Charlie: New York City at a fancy old hotel.

Glenn: Oh shit, let me get my- let me-- I-I-I--

Rob: The big apple. What are you sipping there?

Charlie: I'm sipping coffee.

Glenn: I'll be right back.

Rob: Glenn, go to-- go-go-- Do whatever you gotta do. I'll talk to Charlie. Fuck this guy, right? I mean, let's get rid-- let's- let's just-- fuck this guy.

Glenn: I can still hear you.

Charlie: This fucking guy, he wants to get up and we're sitting down.

Rob: I know. Oh, he can still hear us, uh, he's got the headphones in.

Charlie: Oh, shit, he's got the earbuds in. Fuck. Fuck.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob: Damn it. All right, he's outsmarted us again.

Charlie: Yeah. Oh, shit, man.

Glenn: Oh, yeah.

Rob: That's a nice place you're staying in.

Charlie: Hey, man.

Glenn: It's not too bad.

Rob: Kait-Kaitlin is very upset. She noticed the angle that-that I use. She's very upset with it. She thinks that people give a flying fuck about what there is in the background, and I-I don't care, but I do appreciate that Glenn made it look nice.

Glenn: Uh, no. This is just what it looked like. I-I-I keep it nice. I keep it nice.

Rob: Mm.

Glenn: You know what I mean? I-I was looking for a spot where, you know, you got a little natural sun shining on your face, uh, you know, without a hideous background. This is really the only spot I had where I could get both those things. Uh, it's a little bit of a weird thing, but look, we're both showing, you know, kitchen stuff, I guess, Rob.

Rob: [laughs] Yeah. Yes.

Glenn: Um, yeah, for the listener, um, I'm sure this is absolutely fascinating. Um and, uh--

Charlie: Hey, honey, get in there. They're talking about the kitchen stuff you can see in the background of the shots, which I cannot see 'cause I'm just listening, but honey, get out here. They're gonna keep describing. Get over here.


Rob: Well, all the creeps can see that, um, Glenn looks like he's wearing some sort of a beanie. Um, real fascinating look. I'm into it. Um, I'm into it. And then for the listeners, it's not gonna mean much to you, but it's worth maybe checking out on the- on the YouTube or the video podcast because it's- it's- it's an interesting look. It's sort of a prison cap.

Charlie: I know what it's about, though.

Rob: I know what it's about.

Glenn: Well, yes.

Charlie: I don't know if you wanna, like, talk about what it's about, or if that's a secret.

Glenn: Well, so I-I-I-I ran this-- I actually ran this by, uh, some people just in case- in case it came up, and I figured it would just 'cause it's like--

Charlie: Yeah, it's tough to avoid.

Glenn: I don't know.

Rob: You can't hide it, but you can't hide.

Glenn: I don't know why I chose to wear this particular hat. It just-- It was kind of a last-minute thing. I was like, "Oh, shit, I need a hat." Um, yeah, so I'm doing a-- I'm in Toronto because I'm shooting a movie, and my character is, um, is bald on top. Uh, not, you know, completely bald, just, you know, male-pattern baldness, bald on top. And, uh, so, um, yeah, I mean I'll- I'll show you. It doesn't- it doesn't- it doesn't look that great right now because, uh, we did the hair and makeup test on Monday, so it's had a little chance to-to kinda grow back in.

Charlie: Uh, it's glorious, man.

Rob: It's so great.

Glenn: Yep.

Charlie: It is glorious. Yeah, it's grown back in a little bit from the--

Rob: It's so great.

Charlie: The pictures you sent were astounding. It's amazing what--

Rob: I mean, any listener right now needs to become a creep very quickly.

Glenn: Absolutely.

Rob: It's worth becoming a creep just to watch-- Glenn-Glenn looks as creepy as possible. He's now one of you.

Glenn: Hey.

Rob: He's a creep.

Charlie: If you are a seeing creep, um, Glenn has shaved his hea-hair, but left the sides, although the sides are very tight as well.

Glenn: It's pretty tight, yeah. It-it-it changes, uh, over the course of the film. Um, it starts kinda longer, like this, and then by the end, it's a little more Jason Statham. You know what I mean? It's a little more like down-

Charlie: It's pretty great, man.

Glenn: -like down real tight.

Rob: Well--

Glenn: You know, maybe not-not as short as this is right now, but--

Rob: It looks-- it's so good. It's so good. It's so- it's so great.

Charlie: How are you feeling about its potential ability to come back? You think it's, you know, or--

Glenn: This look?

Charlie: No, no, I mean, like-

Rob: No, the hair. [laughs]

Charlie: -will the hair grow back? Or have you damaged--

Glenn: I did-- You know--

Charlie: Did the razor hit all the plugs and jack those up?

Glenn: I mean, it's not that it did-- The thought crossed my mind, for sure. Um, you know, but I thought, well, that's just stupid. I mean, I shave my face all the time, and the hair always comes back, like, what's-- you know what I mean? They're just-- they're hair-hair follicles. How delicate could they be? And yet, I feel like I have heard stories, and I-I don't know if you guys-- have you ever had anybody who was like, "Yeah, I shaved my head, and it never came back?" Like, I feel like I heard some people say that, but--

Charlie: But I feel like Danny said that to me once.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, right, right. He was like, it just never came back.

Charlie: I feel like- I feel like Danny said, "Yeah, I took it all off once, and then that was it," but I don't know. I could be making that up.

Rob: Now, are you using one of our-- one-one-- are you utilizing our sponsors? Because we have a sponsor who-who could maybe take care of that head.

Charlie: Wrong head.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Hey, come on. We gotta get the jokes-

Glenn: [unintelligible 00:04:37]

Charlie: -the jokes in for the listeners, the creeps. Honey, they made a sexual reference.


Rob: Speaking of sex, speaking of sexual references and speaking of sex offenders, uh, which is the look that-that Glenn does have going on right now.

Glenn: Well--

Rob: And it's not just the baldness. It's the- it's the whole look.

Glenn: I mean, Rob. No, it isn't. No it isn't.

Charlie: I think you look more like a Parisian safecracker or something. Would that [unintelligible 00:05:05]


Glenn: Oh, thank-thank you for putting up-- that's-- I love-- I prefer that.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: I prefer that spin. Um.

Charlie: Like you're gonna tiptoe into that apartment, and you might have a croissant, and uh, then you're going to crack the safe.

Rob: I'm gonna guess that anybody who-who's a Parisian safecra-safecracker is also a sex offender. You know, just-just throwing that out there.

Glenn: That is so off-- You are so offensive today. Like, why can't you be--

Rob: I've- I've just run into too many French people who are fucking dickheads. I'm sorry, I don't know. We're doing our best. Have you ever met a country full of more dickheads? Maybe the US. Okay, fine. All right, fine. We've got a lot of dickheads running around here, too, but, man, the French.

Glenn: Well, it is an interesting move to be like, "I'm mad that--" like, "I'm mad that you don't know my language, and I'm also mad that you're trying to learn it."

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: You know what I mean? Like, you're mad at both. You took like--

Rob: You-you gave it a shot. Yeah, yeah, they're just mad. They're just angry. They hate us.

Glenn: They're just-- they're angry about--

Rob: They hate us. They hate everybody.

Glenn: I don't know what they are so angry about. They live in a beautiful country. I mean, what the hell's going on there? Like--

Rob: They-they hate that we s-- we-- They hate that we saved them from, uh-- well, not-- I didn't, but my grandfather did. Our-- your-your grandfather did.

Glenn: They're still hanging onto that?

Rob: I think so.

Glenn: They're still-- really?

Rob: I think they're upset about them just getting their fucking asses kicked-

Glenn: Mm.

Rob: -and the US had to come in and save them. Sorry, and so did the Russians. We-we saved you guys. Anyway, I'm just-- now I'm upset about the French.

Glenn: No, that's okay.

Charlie: Yeah, boy, you going off on the French. I mean, Rob, I am very popular in France. I can't go anywhere near this. It's, uh--

Rob: Oh, maybe-maybe that's what it is. I'm angry that they have no idea who I am. They're like, "Who is this?"

Charlie: No, they don't know. They say, "Rob McElhenney? That's too many sounds, no?"


Glenn: Too many sounds, no?

Charlie: It's, uh, how do you say? [Rob and Glenn continue laughing]

Glenn: Um, well, you know, I do--

Charlie: I-I-I, you know, fuck everybody, yeah.

Rob: I-I-I had an old- I had an old roommate who was French, and he-- and I loved him. He's lovely, and his-his family was lovely. So it's not all of the French, but you know what I'm saying? It's a vibe. It's a vibe.

Charlie: It's the waits think they're-- it's the wait staff.

Glenn: I think-- yeah, yeah.

Charlie: It's, uh, you know- you know--

Glenn: And they're- they're aware. I think the French- I think the French are aware that there is a certain, you know, number of them that don't, uh, you know-- and they probably feel misrepresented by, uh, the rude ones, you know, 'cause I'm sure there's, uh, quite a few, uh, friendly French people, but they do have a reputation for-for being a bit- a bit sort of like, snooty, right? A little-

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: -a little sort of, uh, dismissive, snooty, uh, like, you know, it's this whole thing of like, you know, you-you try to stumble through a couple French phrases 'cause you're trying to order french fries the right way in the country, and they're just like-- Like, I love it. The-- what they always do is they-they-they come up to the table, they immediately start speaking French 'cause they don't know where you're from, although they could probably tell, so-- maybe they don't, but--

Rob: But that's fair, you're-- that's fair-

Charlie: Yep.

Rob: -you're in their nation, and they're going to speak French to you. Okay, great. That's fair.

Glenn: No, but that's the whole thing. Once they-- If they know-- Once they know you're- you're an English-speaking person, they stop speaking French entirely.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: 'Cause they're like, "We're not even gonna play this fucking game. I don't have time for this shit." And you know what? They're not totally wrong. That's gotta be fucking annoying after a while. They watch-- just-just-- you go like, "I got- I got 10 tables. I got 10 fucking tables. I gotta listen to this guy stumble through his shitty French every time? No. That's not- that's not gonna work for me."

Rob: But-but even that would be okay if they--

Glenn: I have shit to do. I have shit to do.

Charlie: I have so many cigarettes to smoke.

Glenn: I have 15 more cigarette to smoke in the next hour.

Charlie: Stupid American.


Rob: Well, anyway--

Glenn: Okay, um, what-- so, what I- what I--

Rob: This episode is not gonna travel well over there.

Glenn: I-I-- No, well, I-I-- so, I was just gonna say--

Charlie: We'll check our numbers in France, and if we're playing big in France, we'll cut all that.

Glenn: Oh, that's not a bad idea. All right, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Meg, you'll- you'll check the numbers and then decide to cut that, cut that, cut that or not.

Charlie: There is no Meg.

Rob: Meg is very close to France right now. Meg is somewhere in the Heathrow Airport.

Glenn: Oh, do you think she's just like, tearing-tearing through the airport, like all frantic and sweaty and shit?

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Like, trying to get to her computer?

Rob: Yes.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Rob: Yes. She's very upset that she's- that she's missing this, even though we've made it very-very clear that it's-it's okay to be in Heathrow Airport and not be able to get a great WIFI signal.

Charlie: It's a whole thing, you know. You go somewhere else, and the phone takes a minute to be like, "How do I get, uh-- how do I get the interweb?"

Glenn: Right. What is this?

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: What's-what's the system here?

Charlie: What is this?

Rob: You know what? Maybe, if she's in Heathrow, she-- there's-there's definitely some French people around. Maybe we-- she could go up and talk to a few of them and just see if they're nice. See if the first- if-if their first instinct is to say, "Hello, um, you're a fellow human, it's a pleasure to meet you." Um-

Glenn: Well, I'll tell you something.

Rob: -or would they just sort of look at you with disdain, because you're an American. At least that's the way I feel.

Glenn: You know who- you know who's really nice? You know who's really nice? French Canadians.

Rob: Canadi-- Yeah, Canadians. Well, Canadians, in general.

Glenn: Canadians.

Charlie: Canadians, yeah.

Rob: I'm gonna--

Glenn: Just-just an absolutely lovely, lovely-- I was in a store the other day, and there were so many, uh, so much gratitude being thrown around, you know, from all the customers and everyone who worked. It was the whole smile, like, a- -a guy, you know, I bought some wine and, uh, and-and a guy- and a guy said, you know, "Thanks-thanks very much for com--" Thanked me for coming in. "Thank you very much for coming in." I said, "Well, I appre-- I appreciate you." And he goes, "I appreciate you." Like, that was the exchange. It was like-- I was like, "Thanks, man, I appreciate you." And he goes, "And I appreciate you." And he meant it. He meant it, it wasn't snarky.

Like, I couldn't even deliver it real. I-I-- like, it even came off snarky when I did it. I was like, "I appreciate you." Like-- but it was very- it was very-- he meant it, you know what I mean? Like-- So, uh, actually, um, I don't- I don't know, when-when I was, uh, this was back in 2004, I was visiting, uh, a friend, um, uh, who we all know, Morena Baccarin. She was doing a pilot in-- sorry-sorry, she was doing a TV show in Vancouver, and, uh, I went up there to visit her and we were hanging out and we were driving somewhere. And, you know, this was like, four years after I'd-- or no, sorry, three years after I'd moved from New York City to Los Angeles.

And, you know, both-both places, you know, can-can bring out the, uh, the cynic, or sort of the, uh, misanthropic side of-of anyone. Um, but, uh, anyway, there was-- we were sitting in the car and there was like-- we were waiting at a red light, and there was a crosswalk, and a guy walked in front of the car, and he walked in front of the car and he just kinda, walking like this and he looks over at us sitting in the car and he's like, and he waves like that, and then he turns and keeps walking. Morena and I are both like, "What the fuck? What the fuck is this guy up to?"

Charlie: I don't know this guy.

Glenn: What does he w-- shit, what does he want? What-- who's this guy?


Charlie: What's he want from me? What is- what is that move?

Glenn: What does he want from me? What-what-what is that shit? What is that shit? What does he want from us? You know what I mean? And then he just kept walking and both of us looked at each other and we were like, "Oh, shit, we're assholes." Like, that guy was just being nice. He was just being nice, that's it. He saw us and he was like, gave us a wave and was like, you know, just wanted us to have a good day. He was- he was floating on a fucking cloud and he wanted us to feel the same way. So, you know. I don't know. I'm so shitty.

Rob: I see-- I think New York gets a bad rep 'cause I think people assume that New Yorkers are assholes, and I never found that at all. I-I feel like New York is an incredibly friendly city, as compared-- relative to other-other cities and countries. I've always found that to be the case.

Glenn: They could-- Well-

Charlie: I fell like they're used-- maybe used-

Glenn: -they're brash. They're brash.

Charlie: -to be more of a no-- Yeah, brash. Like, more of a no-nonsense, like, "All right, hurry up, do your order." My uncle had a really funny story about his first time visiting New York City, and he was like this, Tennessee mountain man, and he's, uh, walking down the street, there's a cop standing on the corner. And he walks up to the cop and he goes like, uh, "Morning, Officer." And the cop goes, "Yeah, very funny. Keep it moving."


Glenn: Very funny.

Charlie: Yeah, very funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hilarious guy. Oh, good morning? Oh, yeah, I guess it is a good morning.

Glenn: Yeah. Well, I-I think what you're referring to, Rob, and you're not totally wrong. I-I-I actually feel the same way about New Yorkers, I think you're- I think you're right. I mean, look, there's assholes everywhere, but I think in general, I think you're right, but um, the difference is, and I think that-that, you know, coming from Philly, you also find this-find this refreshing. Coming from the South, you know, where everyone is just like, overly polite, um, I actually found the directness, the candor, and the brashness of a lot of New Yorkers very refreshing. I was just kinda like, "Oh, great, you're not, like, trying to couch this in a bunch of, like, flowery, fucking bullshit."

Charlie: That's how I feel. Don't-don't-don't give me the fake sweet. I'll take- I'll take an asshole over someone who's fake sweet.

Glenn: Absolutely.

Charlie: It's like, all right--

Glenn: Absolutely.

Rob: Well, then-then go to the Midwest, because that's for goddamn sure. That's legit, too. You go to anywhere in Wisconsin, for example, you walk around and-and that is a genuine, genuine kindness and compassion that I've--

Glenn: Yes, exactly.

Charlie: Genuine kindness, I'm here for. That's great. That's great.

Rob: Yeah, Ill-Illinois, Wisconsin, like, the-the middle part of this country, uh, you walk around and they-they mean it. Why are they so happy? [crosstalk]

Glenn: Yeah, when they say, "Oh, how are ya? how are ya?"

Rob: They mean it.

Glenn: You know, they-they-they mean it. That's not like, uh, you know, I'm from the South, I have to put on airs, and you know, look, I-I sound like I'm coming down on all southerners. I am a southerner. I just- I just found that-that there were-- there's-there's a certain number of people in the South who have a tendency to kinda do this performative sort of greeting every time you walk in the room.

They're like, "How y'all doing? It's so great to see y'all." And you're just like, "Why? Why is it that great? It's not that great to see me. I know it isn't. I know it's not that great to see me, so don't-don't fucking throw out the, "Oh my gosh, how long has it been?" You're not really wondering how long it's been. You don't fucking care how long it's been. Who cares?" It's just-- it's bullshit. It's performative. I don't like it.

Rob: Well, I-I have not spent as much time in the South as you have, but I can say that when I do- when I do go down there, I have traveled to, say, Louisiana or Mississippi or Texas, I appreciate it, because I'm not getting on it-- I'm-I'm not getting it on the regular. So it is nice to have people just-

Glenn: Yes.

Rob: -come up and-- and whether it's fake or not, I have no idea 'cause I'm only there for a week at a time, and I'm-I'm-I'm enjoying the nice-the niceties, but I could see that maybe over time, you start to sniff out who's-


Glenn: You start to see through it.

Rob: -who's sincere and who's not. [unintelligible 00:15:02] everywhere.

Charlie: I think you find that most people, wherever you go, wherever in the world, the resting state is fairly nice and accommodating.

Rob: Oh, not in France, not in France. That's what I'm saying. [crosstalk]

Charlie: But-- And then-- What happened in France? What happened there?

Rob: I don't know. I don't know.

Charlie: It's got to be a geography thing.

Rob: But not-- again, not to suggest that-- how many people-- there's millions and millions and millions of people that live in France. They're not all assholes, but their resting, like, you have to get past the artifice and then you find, "Oh wow, what are you- what are you- what are you so afraid of?"

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: What are you so afraid of over there, guys?

Glenn: Oh, you think it's fear?

Charlie: I-I feel- I feel nothing 'cause there is no point to life, and there's no point to this exchange that we are having.

Glenn: It's meaningless.

Charlie: It's, uh, meaningless and I feel nothing but malaise.



Charlie: We're still supported by Athletic Greens. Uh, and their green drink powder, AG1, uh, a combination of 75 high-quality vitamins, minerals, whole food-sourced superfoods, probiotics, and Glenn, how do you say it?

Glenn: Adaptogens.

Charlie: Adaptogens, I mean- I mean, it's great I-I take it, uh, you know, first thing in the morning so it gets absorbed on an empty stomach. I'm getting all those nutrients, like, right into my system. And it tastes excellent,      and I feel like it doesn't taste too healthy, which is good. I don't want it to taste too healthy.

Glenn: What about the smell? I love- I love the way it smells. It smells delicious.

Rob: Think about the smells, you bitch.

Charlie: Think of the smells. I can confirm it smells just fine.

Glenn: To make it easy, Athletic Greens is gonna give you a free one-year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. All you have to do is visit Okay, that's important. That's how Meg gets her money.

Rob: Again, Megan doesn't get paid. Megan doesn't get paid.

Charlie: All right, unless you go to athletic Okay? Take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate, daily nutritional insurance.



Charlie: Well, all right, so we took care of the French. Should we talk about the episode? Should we--

Glenn: Yeah, we uh--

Rob: Yes, but I have to say, I'm-I'm excited to talk about the episode, but I just, I miss you guys. I haven't seen you in a while and I like talking to you just about your life and what's going on, so-

Glenn: Oh, okay. Well, hey, listen, pal, I miss you too.

Rob: -I don't know, but-but I'm happy to transition.

Charlie: I mean, look, I wish you were here in New York City, man. Ton of fun, this town.

Glenn: Yeah, it sure is.

Rob: So we got- we got Toronto, we got LA, we got New York, and we've got London. I mean, we are-- Are some jetsetters?

Charlie: We're spread out.

Rob: Well, you guys are the jetsetters, I'm just sort of sitting in my-- the same place.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Well, I think we should talk about the episode. Uh, do you guys remember what the impetus- what the impetus for this episode was?

Charlie: No. Do you?

Glenn: No.

Charlie: I don't know at all.

Rob: Well-well, it was- it was- it was around a time-- it was a time where there-there was a new law that was out that was- that was making people-- that you-you had to register as a-as a sex offender.

Charlie: I-I will say this feels like, to me, like one of the episodes where we just had a funny concept, like, "Hey, what if Dennis looked a lot like a guy who was a registered sex offender?" I-I feel like that is-- could've just been like a card on the wall. Like, somebody looks like a sex offender or something.

Glenn: Well, I mean, you know, we used to, uh, [clears throat] I mean, I used to, and I think you did too, Rob, and maybe you too, Charlie, but like, used to, like, kinda just skim through Philadelphia newspapers to see what was going on in the city, you know? See if there was something specific to Philadelphia that we wanted to deal with, and there was a new sex offender law that had been passed ab-about, you know, how they have to register.

Um, might have been one of those headlines that-that caught our eye and we went, you know, "Oh, okay, that's-that's kind of an interesting, you know, thing." And then to have, you know, Dennis, uh, look like this guy, I don't know where that came from, but, uh, I'll tell you what, I was very excited when we were breaking that episode. The-the thought of, like, actually getting to play, like, this guy, you know, getting just to do- to, like, do, you know, like an Eddie Murphy or fucking thing, you know what I mean?

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Just put on a fat suit and-and be just like a totally different guy. That was fun.

Charlie: Yeah. You know what? Megan, uh, I think, sent us a list of questions that I have here and I could read some of them off.

Rob: Glenn used to be the host.

Glenn: Well, yeah, no. Well, that was-- You know, I think what happened was you guys sensed, uh, the power dynamic shifting, and you guys were like, "We gotta step up, otherwise Howerton's gonna be the star of this thing, and I can't have that."

Charlie: Oh, here she comes.

Glenn: Is that Megan?

Rob: Oh, wow.

Charlie: Look at the tim-- look at the timing of this.

Rob: Is this going to be-- [crosstalk]

Charlie: Oh my Lord. Look at the time.

Rob: Megan live.

Charlie: We were just talking about you.

Rob: Megan Ganz, live from Heathrow Airport, Europe.

Charlie: This thing was going over like a lead balloon, man, lemme tell you.


Megan Ganz: Oh, no, what happened?

Charlie: I had your questions, I was gonna read your questions off, but now you're here and you could do it.

Glenn: So are you- are you all set up over there? Microphone and everything, recording and your-your--

Megan: I-I have my microphone, yes, and-

Charlie: Do you have tea?

Megan: -my coffee-- I have a-- actually-

Charlie: Do you have some tea and biscuits?

Megan: -I have a latte. This will prove that I'm here because we don't have this brand in the States, I don't think so.

Rob: Megan, we've got-- we--

Glenn: Drinking a coffee at-- What is-- what, night? Like seven o'clock or, uh, six-six o'clock at night there. Is that- is that right? What time is it there?

Megan: It's, uh, 5:00, I think 5:30.

Glenn: 5:00.

Megan: Yeah.

Glenn: Okay. All right.

Megan: But I gotta stay up.

Glenn: Risky, risky.

Megan: I gotta- I gotta stay up till like 10:00 tonight to beat this jet lag, so--

Charlie: Do you have your bags and everything, Megan, or are they just like-

Megan: Oh yeah.

Charlie: -going around in the thing?

Megan: I'll show you.

Charlie: No, you got your bag and then you got to a little quiet area.

Glenn: How do you find a quiet area in the middle of an airport? I don't understand. Like, how is this possible?

Charlie: I hear the hustle and bustle, but I like it. It's-it's adding ambiance.

Glenn: I know, but you're sitting on, like, a nice leather couch and shit. Like, where-where do you find something like that?

Megan: I'm in a little coffee shop. Well, the airports in, um, the UK are lovely. Heathrow Airport is, like, my favorite. Sometimes I come here early just to, like, hang out here 'cause it's nice.

Glenn: Yeah, they fucking-- everybody hates you at LAX, you know what I mean? Like the second you walk in, they're like, "Move, keep moving, move. Keep it moving." Like, you have to stop your car for like two seconds at the curb to let your friend out. It's like, "Let's go, get the car outta here. I need all the cars outta here."

Megan: Don't you love too, when like-

Charlie: It's crazy right now at LAX.

Megan: -you go to TSA and they've changed a rule where they're like, "We don't need you to take laptops out of bags anymore." And then they're, like, irritated with you for not knowing it. Like, they're like, "No, keep your shoes on." You're like, "Well, I don't know you guys--"

Charlie: You keep one shoe on. Again, people, you get to keep one shoe on. Okay. All right. One shoe on. As long as you have an orange sock. If you have an orange sock, you can keep your boat shoes on, but if you got white socks, you gotta take a third of a shoe off. Okay. Don't make me say it again, people.

Rob: The flip- the-the flip side of that is the 75% of people who get-- who-who stand in a line for an hour, then they get to the very front of it, and then they have no idea why they're there, what's going on, apparently.

Glenn: Oh, yeah.

Rob: They've never been on an airplane before. They don't know that they have to walk through a metal detector and that, oh, their phone will set it off or might set it off, and therefore it shouldn't be in your pocket.

Glenn: I-I mean--

Rob: That's pretty frustrating.

Charlie: Yeah, that's-- I-- there was a lady who was insane, she couldn't bring her giant bottle of water through she was drinking. It's like, "Is this your first time flying?"

Glenn: Yeah, you never heard that? You-- that's like something-- even if you haven't been to the airport, you've heard of this.

Charlie: You don't look like the kind of person that it's your first time flying. So you should know this.

Megan: You know what, here they've done away with the customs. Like, you just put your passport on, like, a machine and it just opens the door and you, like, walkthrough, but I kind of miss, like, the interaction with the customs official, but I came here once to the UK and they were asking me questions about, like, what was my business here? And I was saying like, "Oh, I'm seeing my husband." And they were like, "What's your business?" And I was like, "I work in television."

And then the customs guy was like, "Do you make a lot of money at that?" And I was like, "Do I have to answer that?" Like, he just was curious. And so he was just asking how much money I made, and I was like, "It's just weird--" He was like, "No, I'm just interested." I was like, "Well, it's weird in the capacity of you being a customs agent to ask me questions like that."

Glenn: Right? You got-- how much you got on you right now? Like what-- how much you got on you? You know, let's-let's just say you were having trouble getting through-

Charlie: [unintelligible 00:23:02]

Glenn: -would you have the means to, uh, would you have the-the ability to, uh, you know, grease the- grease the squeaky wheel as-as it were, you know, to grease-grease some palms.

Megan: Those, uh, those tits are they real, or what you got working with over there? It's like that sort of question.

Glenn: Right.

Rob: There are other ways to get into this country.

Charlie: Is that a television effect?


Glenn: I-I-I-I've talked to-- I'm sure-- I-I know I've bitched to you guys about this before, but one of my just all-time most infuriating and confusing things is, you know, the number of times I've been, you know, you're waiting at the ticket counter. You don't have to do this, there's kiosks now. So this is kind of an older problem, but like, when you would wait at the ticket counter to give them your bags and get, you know, uh, issued your ticket, you know, you walk up, here's- here-here's all it is. You walk up, you hand 'em your ID, which you should already have in your fucking hand, unless you're an asshole.

You hand them the id, they print the ticket out, they get your bag, they put it on, and you're gone within-within three minutes, I'm outta there, you know? And yet, every single motherfucker that's in front of me is, like, the per-- the-the person's on the computer like, [unintelligible 00:24:06] like, fucking writing a- writing a novella. And you're like, "What are you- what are you doing? Does this person have a-- like, who shows--" Like, I imagine people show up to the airport and they're like, "What is- what is this place?" And they're like, "Oh, this is an airport." "Oh, okay, well, shit, maybe I should go somewhere." Yeah, maybe you should.

And it just goes on and on. They're like, "Well, where-where do you guys fly to?" Like, what do you-- how does it take that long? Like to get-- You either have a fucking ticket for this flight or you don't. What are you doing? I never understood that. It drives me crazy.

Rob: You-you've always been one to--

Glenn: What are you talking about? What are you negotiating?

Rob: You've always been one to-to get very fairly frustrated at-at, say, a-a coffee shop where there's a line of, you know, eight people, and then you have the people waiting in line and it takes maybe like 12 minutes or 8, maybe it's less, maybe it's 4 minutes, it doesn't matter. The point is when the person finally gets up to the-the barista and then says-- then starts looking at the menu and doesn't know what it's that-that they wanna get until they get up there.

Charlie: Okay, let's see.

Glenn: You're like, "I'm gonna fucking punch you in the back of the neck, you fucking asshole." Like, what is-- I-I just--

Rob: Now, Meg, we've spent the first half of the podcast complaining about the French. Do you see any French people around you? Have you heard them? Are you seeing anybody around you who's acting like an asshole?

Megan: [chuckles] Um, I-I haven't seen any-any French people around, but I'll let you know. There must be some. I'm in the International Arrivals terminal, so everybody's here. It's actually the one they shot, um, Love Actually in, um, so the-the-- you guys probably never seen Love Actually, but, um, women will know that, uh, this is the terminal they shot the arrival scene in.


Rob: Love Actually.

Charlie: The three- the three of us shook our heads.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Love actually.

Glenn: I mean, they may as well have titled that movie Men, Don't Bother. You know.

Megan: And they didn't. They didn't.

Glenn: Apparently not.

Charlie: Love Actually.

Glenn: Uh, Love Actually. Don't be sarcastic with me, movie title. Fuck you.

Charlie: Yeah. Um, it's love.

Glenn: Uh, actually, it's love. Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah, so--

Glenn: All right.

Charlie: Okay. So there you go.

Glenn: Okay.

Charlie: Um--

Rob: The answer is-- the-the-- what is that? What does that mean? Was-was the question posed, um, are you with me for the sex or are you with me for something else-

Charlie: Yeah, right. Yeah.

Rob: -sweetie?

Charlie: Um--

Rob: Are you with me for my money?

Charlie: Uh, love, actually.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, let's-let's-let's talk- let's-let's-let's talk about a movie that we've never seen actually and pontificate on why the movie is called that.

Charlie: Why the title?

Glenn: I like that. I like that game. Yeah.

Charlie: That's good. Okay. That's good.

Glenn: I-I think it could also be, um, that it's like you thought you were in love with somebody, but then you meet somebody else and you're like, actually, that's love. I didn't realize that until I met this person. This is love, actually. The thing before was just--

Charlie: Mm-hmm. That's most likely it.

Glenn: I thought it was-- That's-- did I get too real? Did I- did I- did I not be funny, and I actually nailed it? Meg, did I nail it? Does that- does that kinda--

Charlie: Could it be about someone who's incapable of feeling love, and then suddenly, like, starts to feel it, and, like, this is actually the emotion of love.

Glenn: This love, actually.

Charlie: It's the-- it's actually that.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: What if- what if the movie is about a guy named Phil Actually? Phil Actually.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: And-- right, and then there's a- they're star-crossed lovers. There's a woman named Jane.

Glenn: Jane Love.

Rob: And she falls- she falls in love, actually.

Glenn: Jane Love falls in love with Phil Actually.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: And uh, this is great. This is really good stuff. All right, so we've got a sequel.

Rob: Who's in that? Who's in that movie? Who's in that movie?

Glenn: Everyone, right? Isn't it one of those?

Megan: Uh, yeah. Lots-lots of people are in that movie.

Glenn: Like 500 people?

Megan: Yeah, because it's like six different stories. I-I prefer your version of it to the actual one. So I'm not gonna tell you guys what happens in it because you should break to your own version.

Glenn: You like our version?

Megan: Yeah, I do.

Charlie: I probably did see it and just don't remember seeing it.

Rob: It sounds like a Hugh Grant movie. Was he in that? Is that a Hugh Grant joint?

Megan: Yes, Hugh Grant was in it.

Rob: Oh, he-- for real?

Glenn: Come on, Meg.

Megan: He was. Yep. Mm-hmm.

Glenn: Of course he was, what are you [unintelligible 00:28:11]

Charlie: Of course he was. He was in love, actually, um--

Megan: I believe he played the Prime Minister in the movie.

Glenn: Of love.

Megan: The Prime Minister of love.

Charlie: Prime Minister. Ladies and a gentleman, the Prime Minister of love. Love Actually. Um--

Rob: Oh, it's a Christmas movie. It's a Christmas movie. Okay.

Megan: It's a Christmas movie.

Charlie: The Prime Minister of Kindness, of love, actually.


Charlie: That's-that's the first line.


Rob: Listen to this cast for one second. Hugh Grant,

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Rob: Liam Neeson, Colin Firth, Laura Linney, Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman, Keira Knightley, Martine McCutcheon, don't know, Bill Nighy, Rowan Atkinson. I must see this movie. These are fantastic actors. We're missing out.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: I mean, you know, it doesn't tickle my fancy. I saw the poster, I knew all those people were in it. I still didn't go see-- [crosstalk]

Charlie: They're great, of course they're all great actors.

Glenn: No, they're great. They're great.

Charlie: They're great actors.

Glenn: They're great. They just need to do-do a-- now, if the movie was called Guns Actually, I probably would've gone to see it. You know what I mean? Or like, you know, Fists, Fists Actually, you know, and it had that cast-

Charlie: Yes, Fists Actually.

Glenn: -I'd be- I'd be like, "Fuck yeah, man, what is that?" Like, "What is that shit?" Like--

Charlie: Yeah, or Fist Action Lee. And it's about a guy named Lee and his fist action.

Glenn: Yeah, and all this is Fist action.

Charlie: That's-- I'm seeing that, for sure.

Glenn: Are we ever gonna talk about this episode?

Charlie: Let's do it. There was one scene, and I don't remember which it was where I was behind the monitors watching you guys. It might have even just been part of the scene. And-and my stand-in was doing the thing where he was holding his breath as me. Um, I don't remember which shot it is. I think it's maybe when the lady comes in to speak to us and then after I-- I don't know why we did that, but I think in those early seasons, we had so little trust about anyone except one of us being behind the camera.

Glenn: That's why. I know exactly why we would have done that. y-yes.

Charlie: Yeah, so--

Rob: We're-- because we're control freaks and-and somebody had to be behind the camera. One of us [unintelligible 00:30:04]

Charlie: Yeah. So I was behind the camera, and like, I always remember being like, "Wow, this guy--" I think his name was David, who was my stand-in, um, that season, was like ripped. Like, uh-- I was like, "This guy is--"

Glenn: Oh, oh, yeah.

Rob: Hands-handsome David. David was really handsome.

Charlie: Handsome-handsome guy-

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: -and, uh, strong. And I was like, "Wow. Great, man. Good stand-in. Good-good double."

Glenn: The thing where-where he's-- where Frank falls against the wall and spills all the [chuckles] chicken parts, did that- did that line where he was like, "Ah, you-you-you made me drop all the chicken parts or whatever." Is that line in the episode or is that just in the bloopers? I just remember thin-thinking that was really funny, too, the-the-the-the idea that he's not cooking chicken, he's cooking chicken parts.

Rob: Yeah, he says that in the episode.

Glenn: He does? Okay, I couldn't remember.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah. I always like- I always like that, like-

Charlie: Yeah, just the parts of chicken.

Glenn: -you know, he's cooking chicken parts. Yeah, like--

Rob: There's a couple specif- there's a couple specific things in there that I-I remember during the writing process being really pleased with, um, the-- like the very spec-- the-the spec-- the specificity of turkey sangria. And I remember, like, writing that and thinking it was funny. And then I remember you guys l-- reading that and laughing and being like, "What is that?" And I said, "I-I don't know, but it just sounds funny." And your imagination goes to whatever that might be.

Glenn: Right.

Rob: Turkey sangria.

Megan: At the dinner party, you-- the-- whatever was on the plates was just like a gray, sort of like, mash.

Glenn: Yes.

Charlie: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Megan: Like, it was really funny looking.

Charlie: I remember that. I remember just shooting that and being like, "Why does it look like this?" But it was big fun. Yeah. [crosstalk]

Glenn: Everything looks dead. Yeah, everything just looks like, devoid-- completely devoid of nutrition. [crosstalk]

Charlie: That dinner party was great.

Rob: Well, 'cause we made it.

Charlie: Yeah, 'cause our characters made it. Yeah, yeah.

Rob: Yeah, well, I really think it really helps you see how these people became who they became. Uh, the-the-the parents, I mean, our inst-- The-the parents are worse than the characters. [laughs]

Charlie: Yeah, the parents are insane.

Rob: Are worse than our characters, yeah.

Glenn: Yeah, pretty much.

Megan: Oh, this, by the way, is the Mrs. Mac bow episode, which is pretty outrageous [crosstalk]

Glenn: Yeah, yeah. You mentioned it in the last one but I--

Charlie: Oh, that's right. I-I mixed them up, that's right. Yeah, this is the one with the bow on her head.

Glenn: Yeah, 'cau-- I remember 'cause you watched them both, uh, but like-- her-- like--

Charlie: I did.

Glenn: When you were-- Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah, I couldn't help myself. Um-

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: -you know what threw me on this one though, is-is Dee's motivation for getting Dennis beat up. Um, I kind of felt l-l-like something that we didn't do before and haven't really done since, like, where the characters will definitely, like, screw each other over for their own needs and wants, but probably never to, like, that kind of an extent, like, to get somebody hurt, intentionally. I mean, I guess we just did light her on fire an episode before [laughs] but--


Rob: It wasn't the very first-- Uh, uh, what was the motivation that ended that episode where we put Dennis into a situation where he was assaulted?

Charlie: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glenn: Oh, in the first episode.

Charlie: That was the very first one. The very first one.

Rob: That's the very first episode.

Charlie: But that's not how that was supposed to happen.

Glenn: That-that-- it went down the wrong way. [crosstalk]

Charlie: It went down the wrong way.

Rob: It went down the wrong way.

Charlie: He was supposed to just wake up in bed with a guy, and the guy was supposed to, uh-

Rob: Yes, yes.

Charlie: -scare Dennis into not wanting to be a gay bar anymore.

Glenn: Yeah, it was supposed to be a couple guys from Dee's acting class, but, uh, she-she couldn't get those guys. So, whoever those guys were, were just random dudes that I picked up when I was drunk as shit, like--

Rob: Got it.

Glenn: I think that's basically what we're saying. So, technically, I don't think it really was, you know, your fault, but, uh, yeah, I no. I-I-I think it-- I- [chuckles] I think it- I think it's fine. Uh, it's-it's fun to see Dee, um, you know, do something so manipulative, and, uh, you know, use my- use my, uh, narcissism against me. Um, I'm- I'm always a fan of that.

Charlie: It's fine. I-I-- Your voice as Wendell, uh, your-your fat suit voice. I remember it throwing-throwing us off the first time 'cause you didn't really tell us what you were gonna do.

Glenn: Yeah, I thought it would be more fun to just kinda come in and-and do it once I was in the fat suit, in full hair and makeup, and just start doing it, but, uh-- Uh, by the way, I didn't even know what the voice was gonna be either until I got into the full thing and saw it. Once I saw it, I was like, "Oh, okay." Uh, you know, it's gotta just be-- It-- Really what it was, was just, like, a really, really bad Al Pacino impersonation. Like, that's all it really is. It's just a-a-a-a-a really bad Al P-- And I knew it was bad enough to where it was like, people wouldn't know that I was doing an Al Pacino, [chuckles] like, impersonation 'cause I can't do one well.

And so, I was like, "Oh, that's good for the character then." And I remember-- A-and there's a great- there's a great blooper of it though, of, uh, you know-- I don't know. Like I'm saying the lines or something and then, what? You step in, Charlie? Who steps in? You-- Somebody steps in and starts doing-- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Rob: I-I stepped in. I st--

Charlie: Rob and--

Rob: Well, we all tr-- We all gave it a shot because you-you-- we did a very high-high-end special effect for us at the time, where we were doing a split screen 'cause you were obviously playing both characters. So we needed somebody to come in and read the other side of those lines-

Glenn: No, we didn't do a split screen.

Rob: -so I came in and did a version of it.

Glenn: We didn't do a split screen.

Rob: Well, whatever it was, we did- we did an over the-- We-we did some kind of-- It was- it was a practical effect, but the point is--

Charlie: Yeah, the trick is you just put someone in, like, Glenn's jacket, who looks like him and shoot over his shoulder towards Glenn in the fat suit, then you turn back around and you shoot over a stand-in who looks like Glenn in the fat suit, back to Glenn. I mean, it's pretty, like, basic.

Rob: Oh, so you-you-- they did it in the 20s or the 30s. I mean, it's the-the-- Well, so I came in and for whatever reason I-- instead of reading the lines just-- I tried to do the voice that you did.

Charlie: Oh, yeah, that's right. That's a blooper. [crosstalk] It's like-- [laughs]

Rob: Whatever it was.

Charlie: It was like just having a swollen tongue. [crosstalk]

Rob: Yeah. That's-- yeah.

Glenn: Well, it's like-it's like you do pic-- like a picture there just being, you know, things pressing up against the vocal cords, um, you know, maybe if you've- if you've gained a little too much weight, uh, uh, maybe there's something kind of, you know, constricting things, you know. Uh, so that was the- that was the thought there, but, um-- [chuckles] Uh, yeah, I think the--

And I think the idea of eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when I answered the door was a last-minute addition. I don't think that was in the script. I just thought like, "It'd be funny if he's, like, eating, uh, you know, a sloppy peanut butter and jelly sandwich when he answers the door." It's a nice little addition. I think it's got-- adds a nice little touch to it. Uh, [chuckles] but yeah, that was- that was super fun.

Megan: That little kid is-- That kid is very funny. Timmy.

Glenn: Yeah. It's very disturbing.

Rob: Yeah, that's- that's- that's very disturbing. I mean, it's all- it's all just innuendo and fun until the very [laughs]-- until the final line. And I-I'm sure we sat there and didn't really labor over whether or not we should do it. It was just whatever-whatever that final exclamation point at the end of it was, was probably bandied about.

Charlie: And then Glenn, you-you-you say, you know, like, "Okay, I get it. I'll-I'll take off," and you throw the kid a little wink, which really was just over the top.


Megan: Yes, that's so funny.

Glenn: Yes, it's just awful, yeah.

Rob: You say- you say, "He's there." He's not reformed in any way.

Megan: No.

Rob: He-- You-you're out there taking the heat while I'm in here watching the Disney channel.

Charlie: Yeah, that's where he--

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why the hell would I move?


Glenn: So, so horrible. Do you guys, um-- Are-are there-- what-- are there celebrities, uh, or-or-or people that you've seen that are just absolutely, like, uncanny doppelgangers for you?

Rob: Oh, I can tell you the ones I get all the time.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Haley Joel, maybe.

Glenn: Well, people tell me that used to be a thing, it's less so-

Rob: Yep.

Glenn: -these days. Yeah.

Rob: Haley and I look a lot alike, um--

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Megan: Rob, you got that one on the plane that one time.

Rob: What was the one on the plane? Oh, um, the guy from-- Oh, yeah, uh, a woman comes up to me and she says, "Oh, I'm such a big fan of yours." And I said, "Oh, thank you s-so much." And she said, "Oh, do you think we could get a photo?" I say, "Sure." We take a photo. And she goes, "I love Burn Notice." And I was like, "Oh, I've never seen-- Oh, I've never seen that show." And then I'm thinking-

Glenn: You do look like that guy.

Rob: -"Is she watching Burn Notice?" Yeah. So, she's like, "Burn Notice is, like, my favorite show. Is it coming back?" And I was like, "Ah, I don't know, I don't know- [crosstalk]

Glenn: Jeffrey Donovan.

Rob: -I haven't seen it." Yeah.

Glenn: Isn't his name Jeffrey Donovan?

Rob: That's-- I'll take that all day.

Rob: Yeah, Jeffrey Donovan.

Glenn: Oh, he's a very good-looking guy, and he's-he's also a fantastic actor. He's great.

Rob: He's fantastic. Loved him. He's great in Fargo.

Charlie: Glenn, do you get peop-- do you get people? I don't feel like I--

Glenn: Um, not really. Somebody, uh-- [chuckles] Oh, yeah. You know who I get these days is, uh, people comparing me to Jonathan Groff. Um--

Rob: Hmm. I see that a little bit. A little bit.

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah.

Rob: I get Pete Wentz quite a bit, and I know that Pete Wentz gets me. He's told me that a lot of people will-will say the same thing. And I-I-- There was also a band that I've-- I'd never heard, uh, any of their mu-music, but I got, um-- And I think you guys were always sort of around when the show first premiered, and we would go to events and there would be people taking photographs of us, and no one had ever seen or heard of our show, but people thought that I was the lead singer of the band Hoobastank, and you guys were all in the band.


Charlie: What a name.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: So I would get a lot of Hoobas-Hoobastank comments.

Glenn: Yeah, Hoobastank guy. By the way, there's-- you know, for those- for those-- And I'm sure there's like most-- vast majority of the people that are listening or watching this, uh, have never actually experienced being on a red carpet. Okay? There-- Let me tell you something. There is nothing more humiliating than stepping onto a worl-- uh, a-a red carpet for some sort of an event. Sometimes it's-- sometimes it would be the event that was, like, celebrating the thing that I'm in. And walking the red carpet, having all these people take photos of you, and after they take the photo, they yell at you, "Who are you? What's your name?" You tell 'em and you're like, "Oh my God, that is so embarrassing." And they're like, "How do you spell it?" They wanna know how to spell-- You know, like, I'm on the fucking--

Charlie: That doesn't- that doesn't still happen to you, right?

Glenn: No, no, no, but that was- that was something that happened a lot like-

Charlie: Yeah, in the beginning.

Glenn: -in the early seasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Charlie: Sure.

Glenn: For sure. People were like, "Oh, okay, he's on the red carpet. I know I have to take photos of him." And then afterwards, like, can-- "Tell us your name? Who the hell are you?"

Charlie: How am I gonna sell these pictures?

Glenn: Uh, Charles?

Charlie: I get, like, uh, people-- like, regular people. Like, people like, "Hey, this is my buddy I just met in a bar, and he's short, and has a beard and scruffy hair, and you look like him."

Glenn: It never looks like you. I-I get a lot-- I've seen a lot of that on social media where people are like, "Look at my-my buddy," he's like, "He looks exactly like Charlie."

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: And I'm like, "No, he doesn't. No, he fucking doesn't."

Charlie: No, I don't see a lot of it. Uh, the basketball player one-- some-- that I saw-- it was, like, uh--

Glenn: Oh, yeah.

Charlie: That was pretty fun.

Glenn: Right.

Charlie: It was a guy on the Mavericks, I think?

Glenn: I can't remember.

Charlie: And who's gotta be, like, 7 feet tall, so. Uh, but, there was like-- someone had cobbled together, like, a series of pictures of him, and then me, and I was like, "Okay, I see that." That was pretty funny.

Glenn: Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember seeing that. That was- that was a pretty good one. Yeah, Meg, what about you? Is there any- is there anyone who people are like, "Oh, you look like so and so."

Megan: I get [clears throat] Selma Blair. Um-

Glenn: Yes.

Rob: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Megan: -Selma Blair, but maybe not after an 11-hour flight. Um, and, uh, actually, the most accurate one I've ever gotten is that there's this movie called, um, "Welcome to the Dollhouse," Which is like a dark comedy about this young girl-

Glenn: Yeah.

Megan: -who's, like, everybody hates basically.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Oh, yeah.

Megan: And she looks really nerdy, and she looks exactly like I looked when I was younger. Like, we'll put-- I'll put side-by-side pictures up in the podcast. I mean, to a T, that is what I looked like when I was a kid.

Rob: That movie is amazing.

Glenn: It's amazing.

Rob: That movie is really good.

Glenn: That's Todd Solondz, right?

Charlie: Yes.

Rob: Yeah. I got one that I was very excited about recently.

Glenn: Mm.

Rob: Uh, maybe six months ago, I was very excited. I was in pretty good shape, and I ha-- to be fair, I had a hat on, and I had it down really low, and I was sitting out at a- at a- at lunch, and some guy comes up, and he's like, "Oh, fucking man, can I take a photo with you?" And I'm like, "Sure, sure." And we-we take a photo, and he's like, "Oh, man, I just-- I-I love a lot of your shit, but, like, my favorite stuff is, like, back in the day. I'm like, "Okay, cool." He goes, "Ah, The-The Departed, man, I love The Departed." And I was like, "Okay. Wow. What's going on here?"

Charlie: He thought you were Wahlberg?

Glenn: You're Alec Baldwin, right?

Charlie: He thought you were Wahlberg.

Rob: He thought I was Wahlberg. And I was like, "Oh, man, I'm not- I'm not Mark Wahlberg." And he was like, "Oh, fuck you, man, fuck you." And then he ran away.

Charlie: Yeah, you are Wahlberg.

Rob: And I was like, "Great, great."

Charlie: Yeah, you are.

Glenn: Yeah, you fucking are. Yeah, you fucking are.

Charlie: You can't hide from me, Wahlberg.

Rob: And I told- I told that story to-to Mark Wahlberg, and he looked at me like-

Charlie: I'm Rob, actually.

Rob: -what?


Glenn: Yeah, right, he was like-

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Wahlberg wasn't feeling it.

Glenn: "You wish, buddy. You wish, pal. You fucking wish."

Charlie: How's that even possible? We're barely even the same size. I mean, you gotta put- you gotta put on weight, you gotta put on more muscle. You don't even look like me.

Glenn: [laughs] He's- he's always just- he's always just worked out.

Charlie: He's always slightly out of breath.

Glenn: Yeah, he's always just worked out.

Charlie: I mean, we've both got on a flat-brimmed hat, that's it. What do they even see? I dunno, that's my--

Glenn: Do you think-- yeah, do you think that he, like, drops down and does like fucking 25 pushups before every take of something? You know what I mean? So he is- so he's, like, legitimately out of breath. It adds, like, intensity to the scene, but also, like, he gets a pump. You know what I mean?

Rob: Whatever he's doing, it's working, 'cause I'll watch that guy in anything.

Charlie: Yes, same.

Glenn: Absolutely.

Charlie: Same.

Glenn: Yeah, absolutely. Um, well, uh, Rob, uh, you've got a sibling, uh, who is now a writer on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, um, and a very good one, I have to say. It was-- it's been very, uh, refreshing and, uh, fun having her in the writer's room, 'cause she's really brilliant. Uh, but she's in this episode, and she's your sister.

Rob: She is. Yes, she is. She's also a-a-a writer, a great writer on Mythic Quest as well. The other one, the other show.

Glenn: Uh, yes, Mythic Quest.

Megan: No way, I missed that.

Glenn: Mythic Quest, uh, Mythic Quest, the famous Apple show.

Rob: Um, Katie Mac is-- she calls you an asshole, or, uh, creep or something like that.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah, she-- she's the one who, uh, says pervert dickhead, I think, right?

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: Yeah, yeah.

Charlie: Well, in addition to Katie, you have another sibling, Pat. Does Pat-- do people stop Pat and-and think that it's you?

Rob: He-- yes.

Charlie: Because Pat-- you and Pat look a lot alike-

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: -except that Pat keeps his hair kind of blonde, mostly, but--

Glenn: 'Cause it is blonde.

Rob: Yes. My brother- my brother-- we have- we have- we have different coloring blonde-blonde hair. He's blonde hair, blue eyes, and I'm brown hair, brown eyes, and yet, we do look so much alike that he gets mistaken for me all the time.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: And he- and he uses it, because he can-- he'll use it to, like, say, if someone's like, "Oh, do you wanna come to the front of the line of somewhere-somewhere," where-where we al-almost always will say no, because we don't wanna be assholes that cut in front of lines.

Glenn: Who?

Rob: He'll just go, yeah, because-- us. You.

Glenn: I've said yes to that every time. Are you fucking kidding me? Somebody asks me if I wanna go to the front of the line 'cause I'm who I am. I'm like, "Yes."

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Absolutely.

Charlie: Well, it's not gonna work anymore at French restaurants. They're not gonna let Pat in.

Glenn: Yeah, it'll work. They-they-they don't watch the-- well, it won't work because they don't watch the show, and they certainly don't listen to this podcast. French fucks.

Rob: No, they don't.


Glenn: Uh, Gregory Scott Cummins is back for this, playing Mac's dad. One of my favorite, all time favorite guest stars. He's such a marvelous, marvelously funny guy. Uh, and I just love him so much, but he refers to, um, uh, the-the, uh, sexual offender, um, as, uh, as Wendell Short Eyes. Now, uh, Rob, would you like to explain to everyone what-what the term short eyes means for those of you who haven't spent much time in prison?

Rob: Yes. Uh, we learned, sometime around that year, that short eyes was the term that, uh, inmates would refer to pedophiles-

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Rob: -as, or pedophiles here in the United States. Uh, they would refer to them as short eyes. And then, of course, they became victims because there is some kind of, um, honor amongst-amongst thieves in prison, where, uh, if you are a convicted child, uh, abuser, they will take care of you, uh, prison style. [crosstalk]

Glenn: That's right.

Charlie: Where-where do they get the short eyes from, though?

Rob: You got eyes for the short people? I don't know.

Glenn: Aagh, yeah, I don't know. I'm not exactly sure what the origins of that are, but--

Charlie: Um, it's love, actually.


Glenn: Oh, well done. Well done. Goddamn you. That's pretty, that's, uh, oh boy. Well, I could go on and on about, uh, Gregory Scott Cummins, 'cause I love him, but we could also-- we should also, you know, give props to, uh, to, uh, Mac's mom and, uh, Charlie's mom. Um, Lynne Marie is so funny in this episode, the way she- the way she plays it when, uh, Danny comes in and-- like, every time he shuts her up and she just immediately just stops talking. She's just-- oh God, she's so funny.

Rob: Hey, guys, uh, short eyes is old-school prison slang for a child molester that entered the public lexicon in the late 1970s when Miguel Piñero adapted his play, Short Eyes, into a movie with the same title. The movie's about a pedophile who gets tortured and ultimately killed by his fellow inmates after they find out what he's in jail for.

Glenn: So it's based- so it's based on a term that was used in the play, or based on the name of the play?

Rob: Yes. Yes, the-the-the name of the play.

Charlie: A lot of big theater fans in prison.

Glenn: A lot of big theater fans in prison.

Charlie: You guys- you guys see that play? You see that play?

Glenn: Yo, have you ever read-- have you ever actually read Molière?

Charlie: Yeah, but have you read it? [giggles]

Glenn: No, but like, yeah, read it, read it?

Charlie: Bro, I got a Molière tattoo right here. I love the French. [laughs] Great playwrights.

Glenn: Tartuffe? Have you read Tartuffe? It's un-fucking-believable.

Charlie: Tarfutti? Oh my God, [unintelligible 00:48:00]

Glenn: It's unbelievably farcical. If you wanna laugh-- You wanna laugh?

Charlie: You wanna laugh? Yeah, you wanna laugh?

Glenn: Read some Molière, read some Molière. All right? Trust me.

Charlie: Read some Molière, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are like, uh, what's, uh, what's another one?


Glenn: Okay, guys, um, this has been a lot of fun. I truly, truly enjoyed this. Um--

Rob: Megan, have you seen Glenn's head? Have you seen Glenn's head for all the creeps out there? 'Cause we-we could do a reveal for Megan.

Megan: Ooh, I haven't seen it.

Glenn: Okay, well, it-it's-it's, yeah. So, the character I'm playing in this movie is bald on top, um, but you'll see- you'll see the fuzz because I haven't-- we've only done a hair and makeup test, and that was on Friday, so. What, I have to go through that, 'cause it doesn't-- you know, people are going to be like, "Oh, no, you're hair." I can see hair.

Megan: Whoa.

Charlie: It's so good.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: It's so good.

Megan: It's amazing.

Charlie: It's kinda Steve Joby or something like--

Rob: Isn't that alarming?

Megan: It's so real.

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

Megan: S-so are you gonna get it tanned up? The top? Like, get some sun on it?

Glenn: Um, yeah, I mean, I'll-- obviously I'll shave it down to the skin. I think- I think the plan is to shave it down to the skin, like, up to, like, here, and have like, a little bit, you know, just have it kind of a little- a little fuzz, like, maybe on top, like, right here, um, as is often the case, uh, to try and make it look as real as possible, but yeah. Yeah, the character I'm playing is actually quite tan.

Charlie: Okay.

Glenn: It's- it's better from the side, you know what I mean?

Megan: He's a real actor. That's real actor stuff, what Glenn's doing?

Glenn: That's some real actor-y shit.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah, it's true.

Rob: That's it, we've done it.

Charlie: That's it. We did it.

Glenn: Bye.


[End Credits]


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