On the pod, the guys revisit Charlie Got Molested from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 1, Episode 7.
Charlie: Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.
Glenn: Red leather, yellow leather. Good blood, bad blood.
Rob: Welcome back to the show.
Glenn: That's one that I learned at Julliard.
Charlie: You don't have to do the accent, but then do you have to the--
Glenn: Oh, that-- no, that was-- that was standard American.
Charlie: Red leather, yellow leather. Good blood, bad blood.
Glenn: That was standard American speech, or, uh, look, God, what did we call it?
Rob: They really fucked you up at that school, huh?
Glenn: Oh, fucking so stupid.
Charlie: What is a standard American? Who is the standard American?
Glenn: Who set the standard?
Charlie: Yeah, who sets the standard for what it is to be American?
Rob: Somebody from Juilliard.
Charlie: Somebody from Julliard?
Rob: Somebody from Julliard? Wow.
Charlie: Somebody from Julliard? Oh, man, fuck that shit.
Rob: Fuck that shit, man. I don't want a standard American sound like that.
Charlie: I don't either, though. You know.
Glenn: Yeah, I don't either. No one does. No one does. Which is why when you first graduate from Juilliard, you walk into a casting and they go, "Uh, and-and how many years has it been since you grad-? Oh, oh. It's been one year. Oh, okay, here we go. He's still going to be talking like a robot in one, two, three, action."
Charlie: Guys. You know what's funny?
Glenn: Well. Are you talking about the act or the episode?
Glenn: We all watched the episode, and a-a- you know, the McPoyles are great. They're-They're super funny. Jimmi Simpson, Nate Mooney. So funny. Uncle Jack. You know, Andrew Friedman.
Rob: We were definitely at a time where we were trying to do something that we weren't seeing on TV. And what I'm realizing now, 17 years later, is that there was a reason why it wasn't on TV.
Charlie: Yeah, because it ain't funny.
Rob: It wasn't that funny.
Glenn: No, it's not that funny.
Charlie: I don't know.
Rob: It was-it was funny to us at the time kinda, though.
Charlie: There's something funny. Look, the idea that your character is upset that he didn't get molested--
Glenn: That's funny.
Charlie: It-It's funny, you know. It is-it is objectively funny.
Glenn: It's kind of understandable, right? Like, I think that's what I like about it. There is a reality to it. As despicable as it is, there is a reality to being like, "Well, wait a second. If he's molesting those guys, and those guys smelled like a couple of 'unwiped assholes'," as I believe you put it in the episode.
Rob: My character.
Glenn: Well, your character, sure. Um, you-you know, then why wasn't he molesting cute, sweet little old me?
Charlie: The joke being that your ego is so out of control that you can't take not being molested. But if I have to explain the joke, you know--
Glenn: Yeah, I was going to just say, go ahead and explain it.
Charlie: If I have to explain it, then there is no-- [laughter]
Rob: I don't think we shy away from that kind of stuff now. I think it's just our execution is different. And most likely, 17 years from now, we'll look back on it and be like, "Wow, I would do it something completely different."
Glenn: Well, I would like to point out one of the things about that episode was that was the first time that we ran up against some real resistance with FX, because that episode was originally written to be not about a gym teacher, but about a Catholic priest. And FX got a little squirrely about that, even though it was all over the news at the time, and it was a big deal in the country, and it was-- well, all over the world, really. And they got a little uncomfortable with the idea of saying that a Catholic priest was molesting you guys, even though in the episode he isn't molesting any of the kids. And even though it was true, because they were fucking-- the Catholic priests were and still are.
Glenn: You know, this isn't supposed to be, uh, funny, is it? This podcast, I mean.
Rob: No, the show is funny. This is the analysis.
Charlie: I don't know, man. You know. It's like, I-I I hear ya.
Rob: Okay, Megan is laughing.
Charlie: And I wanna-
Rob: We gotta get her a microphone.
Charlie: I know it. I know it.
Rob: I'm telling you she doesn't want it, she's laughing.
Glenn: Are you guys uncomfortable talking about FX being uncomfortable with the episode?
Glenn: And we-we almost, we almost quit the show over it, guys. We were about to like really--
Charlie: Holy shit, that would have been dumb.
Glenn: Oh, it would have been so dumb.
Charlie: That would have been so dumb. [laughs]
Glenn: No, bu-but I mean, to our credit, we did realize that at a certain--
Charlie: To our credit, we backed down.
Glenn: Well, hold on a second. To their credit, what they said was they said, "We understand you guys are passionate about this and we get it, but will you at least try and see if you can make it something else and see if it's still funny?" And we were like, "Well, that's fair. We would be assholes if we didn't at least try it and see if we liked it."
Charlie: What is because of pressure that they would get from the sort of Catholic, uh, powers that be?
Glenn: Yes. Yes. That is correct. Yeah. They were worried about the right.
Charlie: Let's go ahead and call that out for what that is. Like, that is some dark shit-
Charlie: -to be like, "We know that there's been a problem. We've been out here molesting boys, but don't you fucking talk about it on your TV show-"
Glenn: I tell you.
Charlie: "-or we'll destroy you." Like, own your shit, man.
Charlie: Own your shit.
Charlie: Beg your forgiveness, uh, from your Lord, and, uh, do better. I wanna take it back to, uh, I wanna let's-- and on a lighter note. I wanna switch it over to, uh, Jimmi Simpson and Nate Mooney.
Rob: Yeah. Well, they're the funniest part of the entire episode.
Charlie: Jimmi and Nate, though, rewatching those episodes, you know, like, we had some stuff scripted in there. We had some ideas, but they also fully created those characters-
Glenn: Yes. Totally.
Charlie: -and pushed them way further than what I was sort of imagining on the page. And one-one thing I picked up on was Nate huffing the spray can. I guess, I don't remember how this happened, but three seasons later, we had me just huffing spray paint.
Charlie: But in the first season, we're like, "Well, this is in a crazy character. Who does this?"
Glenn: Right. [chuckles]
Rob: We also established in this episode that you have sisters.
Charlie: Yeah, I have two si-- I have two sisters.
Rob: Twin sisters-
Charlie: You can see them--
Rob: -who we never hear from them again.
Rob: And a grandmother.
Charlie: And, uh, yeah, she must have passed by now.
Rob: Oh, okay.
Charlie: Um, um, the twin sisters, we completely forgot about.
Charlie: Like, we scripted them in, and I say I was, you know, there was some line about like them, and then we just kinda forgot that we established them.
Rob: You know who we didn't forget about? Uncle Jack.
Charlie: Oh, man.
Glenn: We sure didn't.
Charlie: Do you remember where we found him?
Rob: Yeah, at The Groundlings.
Charlie: Groundlings. Yeah. Corknut.
Charlie: "Say Corknut, mate." He did, uh, he played a character and I don't know. He had a--
Glenn: Oh, the-- He had a parrot.
Charlie: A parrot-
Glenn: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Charlie: -named the parrot Corknut.
Charlie: And we're like, "This guy is-"
Glenn: Is fucking hilarious.
Charlie: "-the funniest guy I've ever seen." And we wrote that part specifically for him.
Glenn: We did. And he still, to this day, every time he pops up in an episode, there are very few guest actors that we have that make me laugh as hard as Andrew Friedman as Uncle Jack. But two of those people would be Jimmi Simpson and Nate Mooney. Truly.
Charlie: Yeah. Two of the best.
Glenn: But, yeah, we established all those characters. And that was the first episode where we saw your mom too.
Rob: Yeah. We were es-- We established a lot--
Glenn: A of main characters. Yeah. Lynne Marie Stewart.
Charlie: Lynne Marie Stewart.
Glenn: Yeah. Brilliant.
Charlie: Yeah, was that her first episode?
Glenn: Yeah, I think that was her first episode. Yeah.
Charlie: She's so good. What's going on with you guys? How are things? I saw you down on set earlier.
Charlie: We're in the middle of filming the 15th season.
Rob: Week two. Week two of, uh, the 15th season.
Glenn: We couldn't get through that scene. That was fun. That was-- that was the first time we've had a scene where I was like, "This is really funny, I'm-I'm having trouble getting through it."
Charlie: Yeah, we got a bit tickled while shooting, which is still the joy of doing the show, is that we make each other laugh.
Charlie: But what about the Molested episode? I don't recall.
Charlie: I recall a lot of laughs.
Glenn and Rob: No.
Charlie: Coach Belding from Saved by the Bell.
Glenn: Principal Belding.
Rob: Principal Belding.
Charlie: Principal Belding.
Glenn: Yeah. Dennis Haskins-
Charlie: Yes, was our first celebrity guest casting, I think-
Charlie: -in the history of the show.
Glenn: He's a big get. He's a big get.
Charlie: It kinda was for us.
Charlie: This is an established actor coming in and doing everything. We went from that to Danny DeVito.
Charlie: We did-- Immediately. Okay, we-we got Dennis Haskins and now our next celebrity guest will be Danny DeVito.
Rob: I'd be interested to see how much this show changes for us when we start watching the second season, because I haven't seen those episodes in equally as long. And is it going to be as painful as it is to watch the first season?
Charlie: No, no, no. No, no.
Glenn: No. It's definitely a step-up. It's a step in the right direction, as far as I recall.
Charlie: There's some really strong episodes in the second season.
Rob: I think what's strange is just like I certainly don't wanna go through the entire catalog of the show and like apologize for what we did. I think for me, it's more like looking back. It-It's not even about the content itself. It's about looking back 17 years in your life and you see yourself, like, and you're like, "Oh, that doesn't reflect who the per-- Like, who I am." It's, like, weird. You look back at, like, home movies, is the same thing.
Glenn: But it-- But it shouldn't. It shouldn't.
Glenn: Because you were a man in his mid to late 20s, and now you're a man in your mid-40s. It shouldn't represent you. Like, that would be crazy.
Charlie: Do you think Steven Spielberg feels that when-- if he sees Jaws where he's like, "Urgh, this doesn't-- this doesn’t represent me?"
Rob: No, Jaws is good. Jaws is good though.
Glenn: Yeah, but he doesn't. He probably sees-- He just sees off--
Charlie: He's-- He's probably got some clunky scenes that he looks at and is like, "Oh, I wouldn't stage that one that way anymore," or something.
Rob: I wonder if we-- If yeah, we wind up having people listening to this podcast and get pissed off at us because they're like, "I like those episodes. Why are you guys talking shit on them?" And I don't think I'm talking shit on them as much as like, "Oh."
Glenn: Yeah, I think, I-- Yeah. I think that's definitely gonna to be the case. I mean, you know, there's, like, bands that I love, well, they hate their first album, and I would argue it's their best.
Charlie: I think that's a classic tortured artist perspective, if I can call ourselves that. But is that you're just constantly trying to make the best thing that ever was made, right? Every time you set out, you're like, "Well, this could be the best one that we do, maybe not 15 seasons in." But, um, and then you look back and you're like, "Well, it wasn't the best thing ever made," and then you pick it apart. Let's ask Spielberg. Do you still-- Mr. Spielberg.
Charlie: Steven, how do you feel about the first Jaws movie?
Steven: I think it's pretty good. I'm a big fan. I mean, I still like it. I me- I mean, you know, th- I don't love everything about it, but there's some things that I think still work. And I do regret that-that the shark didn't look better, because I still think the movie would have been better if the shark, if we're able to see the shark more, but that turned out to be a good thing according to some people. I don't know.
Steven: I stand by it. I stand by it. [chuckles]
Glenn: I don't know. Is that a bad Steven Spielberg impression?
Charlie: When you- when you talk-- well, let's ask Steven. Steven, how was your impression of yourself? Is it good or is it bad?
Steven: I don't think I sound like that.
Charlie: Well, thanks for coming by Steven Spielberg. Um-
Glenn: Uh, thank you. Thank you. That was-
Glenn: -yeah, Steven Spielberg. Wow!
Glenn: I mean, good, what a get.
Charlie: How about this? When we wrapped the season, do you have any memories of how you felt, like, once we were done? Like, do you recall that at all that you're like, "We did it, we got this thing in the can?" How long was it from when we wrapped to when we aired?
Glenn: Um, okay. Well, I remember the last day we shot was actually we were shooting the Underage Drinking episode. If I'm not mistaken we were-- we were on location at the house where the-the-
Charlie: That's-that's correct.
Glenn: -big party happens.
Glenn: And, uh, I remember we bust out a bottle of whiskey.
Charlie: Yeah, you-you sent us a photo from that, the other day. Didn't you, wasn't that day?
Glenn: Yeah. Yeah, I-I definitely have a photo of the four of us in one of our trailers, like drinking whiskey, and--
Charlie: Alright, so we're all jazzed up. We shot a season of television, and then- and then what happened?
Rob: Then-then we went into post-
Charlie: Then-then we went into post.
Rob: -and we-we fell into full despair.
Rob: Because we had ruined it.
Rob: Uh, and then eventually, we came out of that, and we had episodes that we felt, like, pretty good about. Right? And we were like, "Okay, this is different from other things that are on TV like-
Rob: -maybe this will work.
Glenn: I-I think I thought it was pretty funny. I mean, uh, I-I--
Charlie: Yeah, I know, I felt great about it.
Glenn: Yeah, yeah. When-when we were done. Yeah, the first-- The initial cuts, no, those are never good.
Charlie: But then did we do a premiere, or-- Did we do a premiere?
Rob: Uh, no. No, the-- We--
Charlie: Oh, now I recall.
Rob: Yeah, yeah. We all went out to a bar.
Charlie: Yes. Because they were-
Charlie: -launching Starved, a show called Starved. We went to like a TCA thing-
Charlie: -at the Beverly, the Hilton.
Rob: Yep, and we watched it on televisions. Right.
Charlie: Yeah, and they had like big screens in like the bar area.
Rob: Yeah. Yep.
Charlie: And we watched Starved.
Rob: I think we were just sorta talking-
Charlie: And then we watched Starved.
Rob: -while it was going-- 'cause they were drinking and eating at the same time. It was sort of like a background band or something like that.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah. It was like a lounge act.
Rob: Yeah, nobody was really paying attention to it.
Rob: And then, uh, that was it. And then we went to a big premiere that they had for Over There.
Charlie: Oh, it's gonna be a monster.
Rob: Yeah, that was a show that they had that they thought was going to be their big hit.
Rob: And it wasn't.
Glenn: It wasn't.
Rob: It-it didn't work.
Glenn: They put it over there in the trash can.
Rob: Yeah, yeah.
Charlie: Right over there in the trash.
Rob: Yeah [chuckles]. And then-- and then-then we proceeded to not really see any promotion or anything like that, and then they put us on at 10:30 at night on a Thursday.
Rob: In the summer.
Rob: And so we celebrated.
Rob: Yeah, that was a big-- that was a big night. And then we-we celebrated that by going out to the bar.
Charlie: Wait, we-we aired- we aired on the Thursday.
Glenn: Oh, right. The night that the show premiered-
Glenn: -we went to a bar in Santa Monica?
Rob: Yeah, the-- it was that-that Philly bar.
Glenn: Yeah, the Philly bar.
Glenn: And we just invited a-a bunch of our friends.
Glenn: And it wasn't like an official thing.
Glenn: It's not like we- it's not like we-- it's not like the drinks are free or anything. [chuckles]
Rob: No, and once again we asked everybody to sort of quiet down while it was on and the people or the patrons of the bar were like, "Fuck you."
Glenn: "Get fucked."
Glenn: Yeah, "I don't give a shit about your stupid show. I'm not here for that."
Charlie: "We don’t come to the bar to watch TV."
Charlie: And then the ratings-
Glenn: Oh. Yeah.
Charlie: -if I recall, were abysmal.
Rob: Yeah, yeah, abysmal.
Charlie: Like, uh-
Glenn: Pretty bad. Pretty bad.
Charlie: -like nobody--
Rob: Yeah, really nobody-nobody watched, but I remember also being excited. For some reason we thought, "Oh, well, no, they know what they're doing. Like, maybe it'll work." And then we got this call the next day from their publicity people, and they were like, "Yeah, so, right, like, you know, this is like nobody watched it, nobody watched it."
Glenn: This is like nobody watched it. [chuckles]
Rob: This is really bad.
Charlie: I do remember that there was one important statistic that we did okay, and which was that the people who did watch it, watched it through to the end, so they're like--
Rob: Yes. Retention.
Charlie: Yeah, retention.
Rob: They would-- Yeah, they would monitor retention at the quarter way mark, so every 15 minutes.
Rob: So if there was like, let's say, I don't know, throw out a number, 175 people, ac-across the country who tuned in, uh, 175 people watched it all the way through to the end. And then we built on that.
Glenn: And then we built on that from there, but probably it was Danny.
Charlie: Yeah, well, what-what happened, and I guess we'll get into this with the next podcast, but what happened was that FX gave us a bit of an ultimatum when they said, "Look, if you can get in a big name on your show, and we can attract more viewers, you're doing this so cheaply, that it's worth it for us to take another crack at it."
Charlie: I'm surprised though that they didn't just can it.
Charlie: Like, why exactly-
Glenn: They liked it?
Rob: They liked it.
Charlie: They liked it.
Glenn: They liked it.
Charlie: They- they--
Glenn: They liked it.
Charlie: They saw some potential.
Glenn: Yeah, and I-I-- We-we were, uh, skeptical about bringing on a new cast member, but at that point we were already talking about meeting some of the parents on the show, so it kind of did go hand in hand with that. It's just the idea of making that person, uh, regular cast member felt a little, like, "Wait, that's gonna fuck with the dynamic too much," but do you guys remember some of the names that we were throwing out in terms of people that we thought would be good to play Dennis and Dee's father? I remember at one point we were talking about Ray Liotta.
Rob: Ray Liotta, I remember.
Glenn: We got very serious about Ray Liotta.
Charlie: I just worked with Ray Liotta.
Glenn: I know. Yeah, he's great.
Charlie: Love him, he's the best. I think also, maybe the FX was like, "Well, you know, who else gives this show a giant thumbs up? The Catholic Church."
Charlie: You know, no problems here.
Rob: No problem there.
Charlie: No problem, we're not seeing any problems, so--
Rob: We definitely-- I remember expecting like a lot of pushback from whatever those like family-
Charlie: Yeah, we were--
Rob: -councils are, whatever. We never--
Glenn: Yeah, at the time-- at the time it was the right that was coming after, uh, television shows, now it's the Left. [chuckles]
Rob: Yeah, that's sort of an amalgam of-of-of a number of different extremities. Yeah.
Glenn: Yeah. And then we were-we were actually kind of disappointed.
Charlie: No, yeah, we get nothing.
Glenn: When it just kind of went straight past them.
Rob: And our justification was like, "Oh, well, because people understand a satire. They understand what we're trying to do." It re-really was that they weren't watching it.
Glenn: No, it wasn't it.
Rob: They never heard of it. And I remember-- Also, I remember after that first year that we put out a DVD, and Blockbuster wouldn't carry it. They wouldn't carry it. Fuck Blockbuster.
Glenn: What do you mean? They--
Rob: I'm so glad they fell. Yeah, they wouldn't carry the DVD.
Glenn: I don't remember that.
Rob: Yeah, and it wasn't even content, it was because we just weren't like--
Glenn: Oh, we-- Oh, right. It wasn't that-
Rob: Yeah, like FX wasn't- it wasn't big enough.
Glenn: -big enough. It wasn't worth the shelf space.
Rob: That's right.
Rob: And we didn't do it on the first season. I think we released--
Charlie: We're not an indie film establishment here. You know, we're a major-
Glenn: It's called Blockbuster.
Charlie: We're looking for blockbusters, not--
Glenn: I-I think for years, they didn't-- they didn't--
Charlie: Yard busters.
Glenn: Yeah, right. [chuckles]
Glenn: That's sort of patio-patio buster.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. My wife's parents, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, her parents, the Ellises are sitting in the police station.
Glenn: Uh, they were?
Charlie: Yes. They're just sitting on a bench talking about-- They were in town visiting her and they came to set to watch us filming, and we-- You know, they're like, "Oh." I don't know if they asked or if we were like, "Do you want to be in a sh-- in a shot?" And they're like, "Oh, that'd be fun." I always felt bad about this, you know, 'cause they're from Southern Mississippi, very conservative part of the world, obviously, and here they are in this episode of television entirely about like molestation. [chuckles]
Charlie: And I don't like-- completely unable to tell their friends like, "Oh, yeah, you gotta, you know, watch Charlie's show, it's all about-- [chuckles]
Glenn: Yeah. Here's a question for you, Charlie. I think I know what the answer is for you, Rob. But, Charlie, when you were making this show, was there a part of you that was like worried about how your parents were going to react to it?
Charlie: No, fortunately.
Charlie: Yeah. Um, I don't have that too bad, you know. Uh--
Glenn: Okay. Yeah.
Charlie: Thank God.
Glenn: I definitely was.
Charlie: I'm sure.
Glenn: I mean, I-I--
Glenn: Yeah. I mean, my whole family is pretty conservative, and they're all Christians, and I just thought-- Like, 'cause, you know, when you're an actor, you have the excuse of, like, uh, "You know, I'm taking a gig and I thought it was cool and whatever, but-"
Charlie: I know right. "I didn't write the thing."
Glenn: "-yeah, I-I didn't create the damn thing. I'm just playing a character, like, whatever," but like with-with this it was like-- And that was always my excuse for almost everything I did. And then when we created the show, I was like, "Well, shit, I can't do that anymore. So, I guess, I need to tell my parents who I really am."
Glenn: So that's when I-- That's when my parents discovered the real me. Um, and you know what, it was great, actually. They were very supportive. They didn't-- You know, what they did-- [chuckles] My parents would always say like, "Uh, we just-- We don't like all the GDs. Can y'all stop with the--
Glenn: "It's just-- If y'all could just do the GDs."
Glenn: "Uh, it's hard for us to watch it with all the GDs in it," and, uh--
Glenn: And it just so happened that 'God Damn' or 'God Damn it' was, like, my favorite curse word at the time, and it's probably still is.
Rob: It's up there.
Charlie: Yeah, that's a big one for our show.
Glenn: [sighs] It's a good one.
Rob: My-my grandmother watched every episode, and she would mute it.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, my grandmother--
Rob: Yes, so she would just turn all the sound down, and then she could just watch it but not listen to it-
Rob: -which I thought was really great.
Glenn: -she found the content objectionable, did she?
Rob: Yeah, I suppose so. She didn't really get into that, as to why she did that. I just think it was like, "I like looking at my grandson, but I don't need to hear what he's saying."
Glenn: Yeah, "I don't need to hear this. I don't need to hear this." Yeah.
Glenn: Yeah, that's fine. "It's just that-that I want-- I wanna experience the experience of seeing my grandson on television. That's exciting enough to actually then go and listen to it, that's a whole other level that I'm not interested in."
Rob: There also from a generation where children, you know, didn't need to be heard at all anyway.
Rob: Just seen from time-
Rob: -to time.
Glenn: Right. My grandmother probably would have been embarrassed that-that I even had the gall to be on television. Like, that-that I would even think that anyone-- It's like that would have been arrogant to her. It would have been arrogant to be like, "You just think that people wanna see you. That's very arrogant."
Charlie: Mm-hmm. That's very oppressive and withholding of her.
Glenn: Yeah. I have a funny story about my grandma, if you guys want to hear it.
Charlie: Um, so--
Rob: Not-not really.
Glenn: It's actually really funny.
Charlie: No, please.
Charlie: You're not supposed to be--
Glenn: Well, I think I could tell you about my grandmother, but, uh, she was, uh, a very conservative woman from Mississippi, and there was one time where my mom was going to visit my grandmother when she was in a nursing home and, uh, she showed up and the nurse went to my grandmother who we called meemaw and, again, this was the South. And the nurse went to meemaw and she said, "Oh, your daughter, Janice is here to visit you." And my grandmother said, "I don't have a daughter. I have never been with a man."
Glenn: She-she just--
Charlie: Wow, okay.
Glenn: Yeah. She was insisting to the entire nursing staff that she couldn't possibly have a daughter, because she'd never had sex with a man, because that would be scandalous, to someone of her generation, in her mind.
Charlie: What about the Virgin Mary? You know, like, does it-- do you ever think about how that went down?
Glenn: Oh, she fucked.
Charlie: You know, like-
Glenn: Oh, she fucked. Come on, let's be honest.
Glenn: Virgin Mary? No, she fucked. Everyone back then knew that she fucked. That was her whole thing, she fucks.
Glenn: Oh, should I not? Sorry.
Charlie: No, that's alright, it's alright. We gotta make sure we clear this podcast with the Catholic Church, but--
Glenn: Fuck them.
Charlie: Yeah uh, eh. [laughs]
Glenn: Well, I'm sorry. I interrupted you. I interrupted you with my stupid joke.
Charlie: No, no, no.
Glenn: My offensive joke.
Charlie: It's-- I-I've moved past it.
Glenn: Okay. Were you gonna ask a question about the Virgin Mary that you wanted a real answer to like what was her deal? Like, what was--
Charlie: Sure wasn't, sure wasn't. [laughs]
Glenn: Oh, okay. I thought you were gonna say like, "What was her relationship with Jesus?"
Charlie: I was gonna go into-
Glenn: With Jesus?
Charlie: -I was gonna go into a bit as well.
Rob: She was his mother.
Glenn: Right, but I mean, what was her deal? Like, did she-- did she love him? Was she real?
Charlie: Was she overwhelmed by his thing, you know?
Charlie: Was it like, Jesus had his own TV show in a way and she was just embarrassed the way your grandmother and was like, it's like--
Glenn: It's like being Julie Cruise, right, or whoever Tom Cruise's mom is. It's just like, "Wow. Why do I-- how do I deal with this? You know what I mean? My son is Tom Cruise." Except her name is Julie Mapother 'cause that's his real last name. Come on, let's be honest.
Rob: Mapother, yeah.
Glenn: That's his real last name. I don't know if that's how you pronounce it, but that is--
Charlie: Never heard- never heard of such a name.
Glenn: Tom Mapother. I do think Cruise's middle name really is Cruise though.
Glenn: Yeah, yeah.
Rob: Tom Cruise Mapother.
Glenn: I would've gone with Cruise as well.
Charlie: Hell, yeah.
Charlie: Shit. He knows what he's doing.
Rob: If I had a time machine-- if I had a time machine-
Glenn: What would you do?
Rob: -I'd go back and change my name as soon as I got out to.
Glenn: Right. What would you change it to, Rob?
Charlie: What would you change it to?
Rob: I would keep it simple. Dumptruck, you know.
Glenn: Rob Dumptruck.
Charlie: Rob Dumptruck.
Glenn: Ooh, that's tough.
Charlie: Yeah, that's cool.
Glenn: Very masculine.
Charlie: Yeah, that is-- oh man, that's cool.
Glenn: I would've been like Glenn Boulder.
Glenn: You know what I mean?
Charlie: You would've changed Howerton?
Glenn: In a heartbeat. You know what, I would've changed Glenn too.
Charlie: No, you don't really have much--
Glenn: I'd be Tom Boulder.
Glenn: You know what I mean? And then I would've-- and I- and I would've put on- and I would've hit crunch a little bit harder than I did at the time in my early 20s and I would've, you know, would put on some-- I would've put on boulder shoulders.
Glenn: Yeah. I would've really put on those boulder shoulders.
Rob: I can also-- yeah, changing the first name if I would've went with like Gary, like Gary Dumptruck.
Glenn: Gary Dumptruck?
Rob: Okay, here's the thing, you're remembering that name.
Rob: No matter what, you're never gonna forget that name.
Rob: You meet that guy one time, you're talking about him when you leave the party.
Charlie: Gary Dumptruck.
Rob: Did you fucking meet that guy, Truck?
Charlie: Yeah, but you're limiting your--
Glenn: Not much to say about his personality, but his name.
Charlie: Yeah, but you're not getting tons of work as Gary Dumptruck. You know, you're getting some funny like, "Aha, we got Gary Dumptruck on the show again." But you know, you're not out front and center 'cause they don't want to put that-
Glenn: Gary Dumptruck does stand up.
Rob: He does something very specific.
Charlie: Yeah, they don't wanna put that on the movie poster, so let's get a different name there.
Charlie: Robert Blaze.
Glenn: Rob Blaze.
Glenn: Oh, shit.
Rob: I have a-
Glenn: It's not too late, man.
Charlie: Robert Blaze.
Glenn: People still don't know who you are. It's not too late.
Rob: I know, I know.
Glenn: They really don't. It's not too late.
Rob: I know, I could do it- I could do it today.
Glenn: You have glommed yourself onto so many people and they still don't know who you are.
Rob: I'm always the friend.
Glenn: You could it.
Rob: I'm the- I'm the yeah, I'm the third party.
Glenn: I'm telling you, man. You could be Rob Blaze now and no one would even notice.
Rob: I had a nickname. Well, I had a-- So, in my freshman year of high school-
Glenn: Oh, you had, okay, yeah.
Rob: Our teacher-- we had a teacher-
Rob: -who said, "Hey--" this was so fucking cruel. Um, I was a 14-year-old boy so, uh, whatever. She was very kind and enough to say like, "I'll call you by your nicknames, if you want me to. So when we go around, you introduce yourself, you give a nickname." So, she got to me-
Charlie: This is a story I've heard before.
Glenn: Yes, I've heard this.
Charlie: Yeah. I remember you were giving us shit about like-
Charlie: -we never remember anything.
Glenn: But he's doing this for the podcast. He knows he's--
Rob: No. I'm doing it for the podcast-
Charlie: I know but-
Rob: -and also because you said the word Blaze.
Charlie: -I want you to know that I remember you-
Glenn: Me too.
Charlie: -told the story.
Rob: Okay, finish it.
Charlie: But-but if it makes you feel better, I don't remember--
Rob: Finish it.
Charlie: I don't remember what the name is.
Rob: Well, then you don't remember the story.
Charlie: I don't remember the story. I just remember that you told me the story.
Glenn: I don't remember the name either. I remember the story--
Charlie: You said you don't know the story.
Glenn: I know the story, I just don't know the fucking name.
Rob: We just had this conversation about names--
Charlie: Yeah, but you took the opposite side of it. You took the other side of it.
Rob: I did.
Charlie: You didn't even get--
Rob: But now I'm proving the point to you, that you do know the story in so far as you heard the story, but you don't remember the actual events of the story.
Glenn: That is correct. Now go, go with the story. Go.
Charlie: Dude, I don't even know who you're talking about right now. I've already moved on to other thoughts.
Glenn: No, go, go, go. I wanna hear.
Charlie: I've had 15- I've had 15 thoughts since I last--
Glenn: Well, I like hearing these stories over and over again 'cause they're good stories. Now go, go, go.
Rob: Okay. So, she gets to me, everybody's saying whatever their name is or their nickname. When she gets to me, I say Blade.
Charlie: That's right.
Rob: Yeah. I wanted her to call-- I'm just fucking around 'cause I'm 14.
Rob: She's like, "What's your name-- your nickname?" And I said, "Well, everybody calls me Blade." And she was like, "Blaze?" And I, at that point, like, didn't-- then I was like, "Oh fuck. Like, I maybe-- it's like the first day of school, I'm gonna get called out."
Rob: So, I just said yes. And she was like, "Okay Blaze." And I was like, "alright." And then-- and then from that point forward--
Charlie: I must have-
Glenn: You registered it subconsciously, yes.
Charlie: Subconsciously pulled that up.
Rob: She called me Blaze for a long time.
Charlie: I'm gonna call you Blaze from now on.
Rob: Yes. I'm not.
Charlie: I'm not either.
Rob: And then interestingly enough, she spelled it, if she spelled it B-L-A-Z-E.
Rob: I'd be like, "Alright, that's still kind of cool."
Charlie: Oh, she spelled it the French way.
Rob: She spelled Blaise.
Charlie: She's like, A-I-S-E?
Rob: Yeah, B-L-A.
Charlie: I-S-E, yeah.
Rob: And then I was like, is she fucking with me?
Charlie: Robert Blaise.
Rob: Maybe she's fucking with me.
Rob: And then she noticed that nobody in the school called me Blaze.
Charlie: Was it your French teacher?
Rob: Not one person.
Rob: It was a math teacher, algebra.
Charlie: Oui, Robert Blaze.
Glenn: And she realized she'd been had.
Rob: She had been had.
Charlie: She'd been had.
Rob: And then we went back to Rob.
Glenn: Went back to Rob, yeah.
Rob: So, Blaze just wasn't--
Glenn: Did people call you Robby at all when you were younger, Robby?
Rob: You know what they called me? I did have a weird nickname that my wrestling coach called me.
Glenn: Oh boy.
Rob: You guys know this. I-- you-- of course, you know this.
Charlie: This I don't recall.
Glenn: No, I don't know. No.
Rob: That's amazing.
Rob: I was called Squirrelly D.
Glenn: Squirrelly D. What was the D? What did the D--
Rob: Squirrel, they called me the Squirrel.
Glenn: What did the D-- what did the D stand for, Robert? Be honest.
Charlie: What is the D? Oh, Lord.
Rob: These guys were South Philly meatballs. It turns out that one of them was-- is in jail and then got out and is now in the witness protection program 'cause he was a fucking gangster who ratted on a bunch of other gangsters.
Rob: He was our wrestling coach-- one of our wrestling coaches.
Glenn: Oh shit. What did the D stand for though?
Rob: I don't know. Like I said, they were meatballs who called everything like Tommy D and I was Squirrelly D.
Glenn: Squirrelly D. Why not Squirrelly B for like Bob-
Rob: I don't know.
Glenn: -or Squirrelly R? And it doesn't sound good.
Charlie: D can only be dick.
Glenn: That's what I'm saying. They saw-they saw a little squirrel in your pants and they were like, "Let's-- "
Charlie: Yeah, they saw you in gym changing into your leotard-
Rob: Those, yeah.
Charlie: -and they said-
Rob: Those singles are tight.
Charlie: "-Oh man, look at that little squirrelly D."
Glenn: Uh, yeah.
Charlie: Oh yeah, Robby's got a squirrelly D.
Glenn: Yeah, well, we should-- maybe we should call him a Chipmunk. It's a little smaller than a squirrel.
Charlie: Oh no, poor Rob's got a little squirrelly D.
Glenn: Uh, there's little squirrelly D.
Charlie: Um, oh, Robby.
Glenn: Squirrelly D.
Charlie: Oh, go get him Squirrelly D. Look at him trying to wrestle--
Glenn: Well, you must have been good in your-- how much did you fucking weigh when you were wrestling?
Rob: 87 pounds.
Glenn: Oh my God.
Charlie: Whoa wee.
Glenn: 87 pounds?
Rob: My freshman year of high school. I know that for a fact 'cause we-- the lowest weight class was 103.
Rob: I just like-
Glenn: How was- was there like one only-
Glenn: There was only-- it was just you and one other guy. It was always the two of you wrestling 'cause nobody else could've wrestled that size.
Rob: No, I'd have to wrestle the 103 guys and-
Rob: Yes, because-
Glenn: And how'd you do?
Rob: I got fucking destroyed. I sucked.
Glenn: You did?
Charlie: Well, you shouldn't be wrestling with someone 103 if you're 80-
Charlie: What the fuck.
Rob: Well, there's not a lot of 80-
Charlie: Were you 86?
Rob: 87. There's not a lot of-
Rob: -87 pound freshmen.
Charlie: The squirrel wasn't so D-- you know if D wasn't so squirrelly, you might have been 88 or 89, but--
Glenn: Right, right.
Rob: I have a 10-year-old son who weighs 90 pounds. I don't understand-
Glenn: And you were how-- and what age?
Rob: I was 14.
Glenn: 14, oh boy.
Rob: You-you wonder why-- I'm telling my teachers my name's Blade, I'm looking for attention any way I can get it.
Glenn: Any way you can get it, yeah.
Rob: You think I wanna whip out my squirrelly dick? No.
Rob: It's too small.
Glenn: It's too small.
Rob: It's too mangled.
Charlie: You're in Catholic school, it's too risky.
Rob: Yeah, it's too-- somebody might grab hold of it-
Glenn: Right, somebody might have started sucking it.
Rob: -and might suck on it.
Glenn: Somebody-- yeah, somebody definitely would have started sucking on it.
Charlie: That starts getting passed around the hallways and--
Rob: Those priests don't care how squirrelly it is. They'll pop that, right?
Charlie: That's right.
Rob: Well, this has been fun.
Glenn: This has been fun. Guys, um, bye.
Rob: That's the end of Season 1 but, uh, tune in for Season 2.
Charlie: And much like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, it seems unimaginable that this endeavor could continue, and yet I think we'll just carry on.
Glenn: Yeah, we're gonna push through until, uh, it becomes good or just continues to get worse. Bye-aye.
[00:29:22] [END OF AUDIO]