On the pod, the guys revisit Who Pooped the Bed? from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 4, Episode 7.

Megan Ganz: What up? You might have noticed we skipped past Mac and Charlie Die: Parts 1 and 2. That wasn't an accident. Uh, I know how to count, dude. We are saving those episodes to recap at our upcoming live shows in Philly next month and we'll be posting those recordings for everyone to enjoy in October. But for now, please enjoy Who Pooped the Bed?

Charlie Day: Yeah, it's kind of like a flavored coffee. That's had some-something added to it.

Rob McElhenney: I've been watching some '80s movies and looking back at a time when people wore sunglasses inside all the time.

Charlie: [sighs] Yeah.

Rob: And it was a cool, it's a cool idea. I don't know how you walk around.

Charlie: Did we just get these chairs greased?

[laughter]

Did somebody just grease these? So, everybody, welcome to the podcast.

Rob: Is it possible that you greased your clothing? Maybe Mary Elizabeth greased you out before you left.

Charlie: She's on a, she's not here.

Glenn Howerton: I don't like this chair. I'm realizing the vent. Well, do we turn that on?

Megan: We can turn- I can turn that on.

Charlie: You wanna switch? 'Cause mine's been greased.

Glenn: The vent- the vent is blowing right on me and I'm--

Charlie: I don't even know if I-- Oh, yeah. You can do it, right?

Glenn: Oh, yeah, yeah. For sure.

Charlie: Once you get some momentum too, like, it's like it's hard to start with then once you get-- [laughter]

Rob: Yeah. By the way, the opposite.

Charlie: These are like luge chairs.

Glenn: The opposite works, too. Like if it were not- if it were not greased in everything, if it's like particularly dry and your clothes are particularly dry, that also creates a slippery surface. You know what I'm saying?

Charlie: A double dry.

Glenn: Two dry things. Yeah, 'cause if-if it's slightly moist, it's gonna stick.

Rob: It's gonna stick, yeah.

Glenn: But if it's dry to dry is a bone, if both things are dries as a bone. Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah. If I squirt down this chair or my-my pants a little bit, well--

Glenn: You what?

Charlie: If I squirt my chair or my pants.

Glenn: Squirt?

Charlie: Yeah. If I like take a little like a spritzer, you know, like a something to angst--

Glenn: When you say squirt my pants, I-I think of something totally different.

Charlie: Yeah-yeah, sure-sure. Well, that's another way to do it, but no, like something that you would aggravate a cat with. You know what I mean?

[laughter]

Glenn: By the way I, this is my sister would kill me for, I don't know if we can put this on the podcast, but, uh, are we rolling on this?

Megan: Yeah, yeah, we've been.

Glenn: All right, we'll put it in just in-just in case. My sister used the spraying the cats thing technique to, you know, whenever the cats would like jump on something, she didn't want them jump on. She'd do the thing spraying with the water bottle and it-and it really, it works so well. And she did it with her kids.

Charlie: She did it with her kids? Yeah. I think he told me that before.

Glenn: And it worked.

Charlie: Of course, it works.

[laughter]

Megan: When they were getting up on the couch?

Glenn: Yeah. I think, well if they- if they did something like, you know, touch something they weren't supposed to touch or, you know, got into something they weren't supposed to get into, just give them a little [swish sound] like, nah.

[laughter]

Megan: That's gentle.

Charlie: I don't know. Yeah. I mean, did she have it on the single stream or the wide mist, you know, like--

Rob: Yeah, yeah, 'cause the single stream is so concentrated.

Charlie: 'Cause the single stream is a real aggressive mom, a wide miss is like a suggestion of like, "You're irritating me, but--"

Glenn: Well, let's ask her. I'll- I'll ask her. Um--

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Should I text her right now?

Megan: Text message from Glenn to his sister Courtney, "Hey C, on our podcast, are you okay with me telling the story of how you'd spray the cats when they did something wrong and that it worked so well, you tried it on the kids too?" Response from Courtney, "Sure. It was really just Elliot that I used the spray bottle on because he liked to scream. I only did it a couple of times and then all I had to do was just place the bottle where he could see it, which would cause him to rethink his decision." Laughing face Emoji.

"Did I tell you that when we took Elliot for his first haircut, the stylist tried to spray his hair with water and I had to yell, "Don't spray his head or he will think he's in trouble. Spray the comb. Spray the comb." Laughing face emoji. Response from Glenn, "That's amazing."

Rob: Hey, and again, you know what? The kids turned out all right.

Glenn: You know what? They actually- they turned out great. Her kids are-

Rob: Cats are all fucked up.

Glenn: -are awesome. Yeah, the cats are messed up.

[music]

Rob: Welcome to the podcast, everybody. Here we are back in studio.

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: We've got slippery chairs and I took my sunglasses off already.

Glenn: Mm-hmm. Rob's in is linens.

Rob: Well, it's-- Well, that was also part of the look. It's very hot outside here in Los Angeles.

Charlie: It's hot. We keep it a little [crosstalk] It's cool in the studio though.

Rob: We keep it cool in the studio.

Glenn: Yeah.

Megan: I just turned off the air though, for Glenn sitting under the vents. So--

Rob: Oh.

Charlie: Oh, so it could get-

Glenn: I'm a delicate flower.

Charlie: -it could get toasty.

Rob: We might have to flip seats.

Megan: It's only gonna get up to 72 and then it's gonna flip right back on again.

Charlie: Oh, okay.

Glenn: What is it now?

Megan: It's at 70 right now. [laughs]

Rob: 70? 70, okay.

Charlie: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Glenn: 72 is a little-

Rob: A little warm.

Glenn: -chilly-

Rob: Oh.

Glenn: -for me. Yeah, I like to keep the temp at about, 70, 73, 74.

Charlie: You keep your house set at 74?

Rob: Do you want the sunglasses? Because that-that sometimes that'll make you--

Charlie: I think it could change what-- like depending on the house. Like, a 74 in one house and a 74 in another might be a very different feel.

Glenn: Oh, that is definitely true.

Rob: Let me see those on you. Oh, you look great.

Glenn: These are very similar to my own sunglasses actually, yeah.

Rob: They look nice.

Glenn: You know, it is really nice to wear sunglasses, like when you're on camera. I have to say because it-it makes you feel less-- I get why people do that. You know why like--

Charlie: You mean like on a red carpet or like in a movie?

Glenn: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, I mean when you're not when you're playing a character, although that's cool too, but no, when you're just- when you're yourself because then it's like wearing- it's like a mask a little bit, right?

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Oh, for sure.

Glenn: You don't feel like people can see into your soul. You know what I mean?

Charlie: They can't read your fear.

Glenn: They can't read your fear and your vulnerability.

Charlie: [laughs] Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah.

Rob: They can't see the cocaine and alcohol that's coursing through your eyeballs.

Charlie: They can't see how much cocaine and alcohol is in your system.

Rob: That's why like I feel like '60s, '70s, and '80s, that look got perfected indoors.

Glenn: Oh.

Rob: And then it just kind of went away.

Glenn: Now, was that because-- Okay, so you're saying it's because we're talking dilated pupils and red- red.

Rob: Yeah, I think it was the kind of thing you're like, "Hey look, I'm going to a Laker game. I've been up. I got up around--"

Glenn: So now we're talking about Jack Nicholson.

Charlie: We're basically talking about Jack Nicholson.

[crosstalk]

Glenn: We always were, I just wanna say you--

Rob: No, go back and watch some of those old-

Charlie: Yeah, yeah.

Rob: -games like from the mid-'80s, like Showtime.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: There's a lot of people that took cues from Jack.

Glenn: Uh-huh.

Charlie: Sure.

Rob: Male and female-

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: -and people just came in there, you know, probably half-cocked from the night before.

Glenn: Sure.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: -and, uh, they look great.

Megan: The hats you guys wear are sort of masks, like, you used to wear the baseball hats, you haven't been wearing them lately because your hair's shaved off.

Charlie: Well, 'cause our hair's all short.

Megan: You should wear hats.

Charlie: Like when your hair's short, it requires, uh, no maintenance, right?

Rob: Less work.

Charlie: And kind of just kinda--

Glenn: This is, you know-- I never have a short hairstyle-

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: -and this has been great.

Charlie: Yeah-yeah-yeah.

Rob: That's nice.

Glenn: I don't have to think about it at all.

Charlie: I know.

Glenn: It just is.

Charlie: You come in. Um, mine's just starting to come back enough that I'm like, "Okay, pretty soon, I'm gonna have to, uh, make that decision about whether I put a little effort into straightening it out or put a hat on."

Glenn: Mm.

Rob: Straightening it out?

Megan: [laughs]

Rob: You-- Oh, you mean- you mean.

Charlie: I just mean- I just mean like a-

Rob: Sorted out.

Charlie: Yeah-yeah-yeah.

Rob: I was picturing you-

Charlie: It's so curly.

[laughter]

Rob: -with the-the hair dryer.

Glenn: Yeah-yeah-yeah. [laughs] Uh, guys-

Rob: Now, did any of you guys shit the bed last night?

Megan: Mm.

Glenn: No.

Charlie: I don't believe I've ever-

Glenn: No.

Charlie: -dropped a deuce in my bed.

Glenn: Is that a thing? That's not a real thing, is it?

Rob: Well, you have, you were just a-a wee lad.

Charlie: Oh, well, okay.

Glenn: Oh, yes, yeah-yeah.

Charlie: Yeah-yeah-yeah. Good point, good point.

Rob: You don't remember it, but it did happen.

Charlie: I shit my crib, you're saying.

Rob: You shit your crib.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Maybe-maybe. I have a system that really shuts down if it's not a good place to poop, like, uh-

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: -you know, like when I travel-

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: -you know, if there's like an airplane day, usually-

Glenn: That's tough.

Charlie: -everything locks up-

Glenn: Everything tightens up, yeah.

Megan: [laughs]

Charlie: -and then it stays on lockdown for a few days and like I'm all outta wha--

Glenn: I know, isn't that--?

Charlie: -I'm outta whack, you know?

Rob: Yeah-yeah.

Glenn: It's no good. Yeah.

Charlie: Um.

Glenn: Traveling is-is a real mess on the digestive tract, it's, I mean on the, uh-

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: -the poop track.

Charlie: Yeah, it does. It all shuts down and then-

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: -then it comes, eventually comes out in furies.

[laughter]

Glenn: Yeah, with fury.

Charlie: And fu-furious with me for-for shutting down the works.

Megan: What if- what if while you were traveling ate dairy-

Rob: Oh.

Megan: -to counteract it?

Glenn: Oh, eat chee- eat some cheese.

Megan: [laughs]

Charlie: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.

Glenn: Eat some cheese on the plane. Get it going.

Charlie: You know what? Yeah, that-that could work- that could work.

Glenn: Shitting on a plane is, you know--

Charlie: I don't wanna poop on the plane.

Glenn: -because when hits you on the plane--

Charlie: No-no.

Glenn: No, it's no good. Now, I'll do it 'cause I'm not holding it in. I- I'm-- I'll be honest, I will not hold back, I--

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: And if- and if I feel myself holding it back, I'll force it out.

[laughter]

Glenn: I'll get in- I'll-I'll sit on that toilet and I'll--

Charlie: You just hear screams from the airplane.

Glenn: [yells] You son of a bitch.

Charlie: Out you vile mass.

[laughter]

Glenn: Vile mass. Yeah-yeah, I'll- I'll force that shit out. I'll tell you what, you can use some visualization techniques to-to coax a poop out. You guys ever tried that? That works.

[laughter]

Megan: Oh, no.

Rob: Not only have I not done that, I've never heard of anything like that.

Glenn: Yeah-yeah, it's wild, right?

Charlie: You're visualizing a-a nice elimination.

Megan: Is-

Charlie: What is- what is that?

Megan: Is it okay to talk about it on podcast or will people shit themselves in their cars listening to this?

Charlie: Uh-

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: -no, no, it's not that- it's not that powerful but it's a useful tool and--

Rob: Do you wanna talk a listener through that, maybe? Maybe there's-- We've had- we've had listeners-

Glenn: Well, it's weird- it's weird.

Rob: We've had listeners call in-

Glenn: While pooping.

Rob: -while pooping.

Megan: Mm.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: And maybe someone's-

Megan: Mm, mm.

Rob: -in the car right now and they wanna--

Glenn: Sure-sure. Well, listen-

Rob: It's harder now, that's true.

Glenn: -you know, part-part of what makes podcasts great is you get sound medical advice.

Megan: [laughs]

Glenn: You know, uh, sound life advice.

Megan: Leading experts.

Rob: Mm-hmm. Leading experts. Top of their fields.

Glenn: So if I would-- Now this-this was probably something that- it just won't be for everybody because it's a little strange, but believe it or [chuckles] not, in the past, this has worked for me. If I'm-- I have a little constipated, [laughs] this is-- I can't believe I'm-- I don't know why, but picturing a dog pooping will make me poop.

[laughter]

Glenn: You know how they get in that weird-

Charlie: Oh, dude that is all over the map.

Rob: Okay.

Charlie: That is all over the map.

Glenn: The dogs be like, and then there's like, you know--

Rob: They know.

Megan: They have the hunch.

Charlie: Yeah, they know. Yeah, and they feel shame.

Rob: Okay. Now there's so much happening right now.

Glenn: I don't know why, I-I swear and I swear it is true. It is true, I-I was about-- I was gonna make something up 'cause that's so weird. But I was like, "Nah, fuck it. I'll just, I'll tell it 'cause it- it works." Now, why am I not picturing a human pooping or myself pooping?

Charlie: That's my first question.

Glenn: Now, I have done that.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: I have done that, but my mind always goes to a dog pooping and so I just go with it and-and it works.

Charlie: [laughs] There must be some of like freedom or ease with which the dog does it that makes you feel like-

Glenn: I think that's what it is. I need to be-

Charlie: They gotta free you up. You're like-

Glenn: -because-because the human animal is-is all up here and-

Charlie: Yes.

Glenn: You know what I mean?

Charlie: Yes.

Glenn: And the dog just-just does--

Rob: The dog's free.

Glenn: You got-- the dog's free. You just-- you gotta get into the mind of a dog--

Charlie: You gotta get in your animal mind to do this animal act.

Glenn: I think that's right. I think what--

Charlie: Uh, okay-okay.

Glenn: Yeah. I-I think that's what it's.

Charlie: Amazing.

Glenn: I know there's a lot to-

Rob: There's a lot to unpack. Yeah.

Glenn: -unpack, okay.

Rob: I think-I think number one for me is, buddy, I've known you for 20 years and I've heard everything.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Like the story, you were telling about your sister and the cats, I've heard that 10 times.

Glenn: Sure.

Rob: And love it every time, but I've heard it many times. In fact, everything we talk about on the podcast, I've heard many times.

Glenn: I know I have to present it to the audience.

Rob: This is the very first time.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: I've ever heard that.

Glenn: Well, that's not something you usually, you know, this is--

Rob: But now I wanna know what else I don't know. I feel like you know everything about me.

Megan: They've forgotten. [laughs]

Charlie: Well, I probably forgot it, yeah, yeah.

Glenn: We forgotten it, so you can keep telling it over and over again.

Rob: Sure, okay, great. I'll continue to do that but I can tell you that there's no-- I've never heard that before.

Glenn: No, I-I don't think I've ever told anybody that.

Rob: How long has this been going on?

[laughter]

Charlie: When did you first fantasize the dog pooping-

Glenn: I, uh--

Charlie: -while trying to, uh-

Glenn: Yeah-yeah. I don't know. I-I honestly don't know. And it's not something that happens very often. Uh--

Rob: It's only when you really need.

Glenn: Yeah. It's a- it's a tool that is like, you know, at the bottom of the bag.

Charlie: How often- how many times a year would you fan- picture the dog [laughs] while popping?

Glenn: You were about to say fantasized.

[laughter]

Charlie: Yeah, I was.

Rob: There's a certain amount of fantasy.

Charlie: Well, yeah, it's a fantasy of sorts.

Glenn: Yeah, sure. [laughs] Um, if I had to guess how many times in a year, uh, you know, five.

Charlie: Okay.

Glenn: Maybe it's a- it's a- rarely.

Charlie: And how effective is it?

Glenn: Very.

Charlie: 80%, 90%. We're talking 100%.

Glenn: 100% of the time it works.

Charlie: Okay. What type of dog do you picture?

Rob: Yeah. That one- I mean, that was- That's- that's really a--

Charlie: Is it- are we talking a- are we talking a--?

Glenn: Like a 30-pound dog- like a 30-pound dog.

Charlie: Oh, medium-sized dog.

Glenn: Yeah, or-- Yeah, it's not a small dog because that I can't relate to that.

[laughter]

Glenn: Uh, but it's not like a-

Rob: You are a big dog.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Or you don't mean like that dog.

Glenn: I need to be- You know what I mean? I need to see myself in the dog, I guess in-in some ways.

Charlie: Yeah. But you're not like a- you're not like a-a golden retriever or a lab. You're something else.

Glenn: Those are too dumb. Those dogs are too dumb.

Charlie: Oh, okay. Something smaller.

Glenn: It's like a-- Yeah.

Rob: Is it always the same dog?

Glenn: I-I can't. It's not- It's not a- I don't visualize things that specifically. Uh, I- this is why I think it's why I'm- I'm so bad at like drawing because I can't--

Charlie: Is it a King Charles Spaniel? What kind of--

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Yeah. What's the breed?

Glenn: It's a mutt.

Charlie: It's a mutt.

Rob: It's a mutt.

Glenn: It's-it's a 30-pound mutt and-and it's--

Rob: Floppy ears?

Charlie: Is it your dog?

Glenn: Uh, well, you know, I mean, I only recently became a-a dog owner, so--

Charlie: I know but since owning a dog, do you now put your dog poop?

Glenn: It's not-- No. Mm-mm.

Charlie: Mmm-hmm.

Glenn: No. I think that's--

Rob: Long hair, short hair?

Glenn: It's not long.

Charlie: It's gotta be short hair so you can see it poop.

Glenn: It's not a shaggy dog. I'll tell you that.

Charlie: Do you see the dog's poop or do you just see the dog squat?

Glenn: I picture it coming outta the dog's butt.

Charlie: Wow.

Glenn: Yeah, I picture the dog actually squeezing the turd out. Now, this is a- this is a- this is a-a late in, you know, whatever. I'm not gonna--

Rob: We're already deep in, buddy.

Glenn: Yeah, we're deep in this. Yeah, we're, we're dug in.

Megan: Wait.

Rob: Yeah.

Megan: When you walk your dog-

Glenn: It works.

Megan: -now and you see your dog poop, does it like trigger you?

Glenn: No.

Megan: So it's only when you imagine it not when you actually see it in real life. That's- that's good.

Glenn: Yeah, no.

Charlie: What?

Glenn: It doesn't- it doesn't. No. It's not--

Charlie: I, from what I'm gonna try it next time I'm a little blocked up.

Glenn: Listen, don't overthink it. It-it really works. I, you know, or, hey, listen, if- whatever you wanna picture, you know- you know, you can picture a--

Rob: Whatever species you need to picture-

Glenn: Whatever species you--

Rob: -defecating that helps you defecate.

Glenn: That's right.

Rob: Go for it.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: That's right.

Charlie: Yeah. Sure.

Glenn: I-I like the animal thing because I think it-it like, yeah. It's like, it-I don't know that-- Do animals get constipated?

Charlie: Probably.

Rob: Yeah. Sure.

Glenn: Do they? You think so?

Charlie: I would imagine.

Rob: They are animals.

Charlie: Yeah. If something's gone wrong with the diet. They like-- Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah, they could. I guess they could. Right.

Rob: Well, how-how often are-are, a-a- so are you saying you're only constipated about five times a year then, right?

Glenn: Yeah. You can co-

Rob: Or you-you only go- you only utilize this?

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah, I'd say that's right. I'd say that's right because I-I probably would utilize that tool 75% of the time if I'm having a constipation episode.

Rob: This is great. So--

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Megan: Are you guys gonna share back and now tell Glenn what you fantasize about while you're on the toilet?

Charlie: I don't fantasize-- I'll tell you what works.

Glenn: Yeah. What you guys- what do you guys fantasize about while you're pooping?

Charlie: If I get some sauerkraut in my system.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: Some probiotics.

Charlie: All the- all those healthy probiotics and sauerkraut.

Megan: That's what you use.

Glenn: That-that-that helps the whole thing.

Charlie: That'll get things moving. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Maybe not immediately, but eventually.

Glenn: You know what's weird? Sushi-

Charlie: Vegetables.

Glenn: -makes me poop.

Megan: Interesting.

Glenn: I always have to poop after I eat sushi.

Charlie: Mm. What type of--

Rob: Well, all--

Charlie: Sushi is a very broad category.

Rob: You mean like immediately afterwards?

Glenn: Raw fish. I-I- raw-raw fish.

Charlie: Any raw fish.

Glenn: Yeah, I've-- It's not broad of a category.

Rob: All food makes you poop.

[laughter]

Charlie: Well, I me- I mean, is it the--

Glenn: I mean it-it would be like--

Charlie: Is it the- is it snapper that's making you poop or-or do you only eat like albacore or like they don't, are you, uh--

Glenn: Well, I don't know 'cause I-I don't- I don't sit there with just a plate of one fish.

Charlie: Is it the rice or is it--?

Glenn: You know what I mean? I'm getting a variety of fish as one does with sushi often.

Charlie: Yes, the, uh, well, yeah, true.

Glenn: You know it's-it's so-- I don't know which one it is. It-it could now--

Charlie: It could be a certain fish that's--

Glenn: It could be a certain fish and if I could target that--

Charlie: Like one oily ass fish that's making things move.

Rob: Ooh.

Glenn: Now if I could figure that out, I'd ha- I'd be able to let go of the dog technique because I'd just be able to be like, "Oh, you know what, seabream. Yeah-

Megan: But you'd have to carry around-

Glenn: -makes me shit."

Megan: -raw fish.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah, the bream.

Megan: How are you gonna--?

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob: Well, what if you picture the fish-

Megan: Oh.

Rob: -pooping?

Glenn: Picture? Oh. Pebbles. Little pebbles. That doesn't do it well.

Charlie: Well, what if you picture a seagull taking a crap all over somebody's car because-

Glenn: Too wet.

Charlie: -it's always eating raw fish.

Glenn: Too wet. Too wet. It's just not-- You know, it's wet and it's white. You know, a dog-

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: -puts out like a nice log and that's what you want.

Rob: Yeah, and like if you- if you would like--

Charlie: If you want to a dog log, sure.

Glenn: I want a dog log.

Rob: Picture a horse or like eight--

Glenn: That's too much.

Rob: Well, it's too much and-and it's so casual. They-- It just almost seems to fall out. There's no effort.

Rob: Right? They don't--

Rob: I-I get it. So that you want to--

Glenn: Right. Horses don't take a shit. They just shit as they're going like that.

Rob: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: It's just ha- it happens.

Charlie: And which seems unsatisfying, right? Like, uh--

Glenn: Yeah, you're right.

Charlie: If you think you're not getting the, you know--

Glenn: There's no ceremony.

Charlie: Yeah. It was-- you're not getting the little endorphin rush that you get from a good--

[laughter]

Glenn: Endorphin rush.

Charlie: You know, that little like, uh, that one- that one felt good.

Glenn: Oh, god. Yeah. That's- that is the thing, man, you know.

Charlie: Sure.

Glenn: Especially afterwards when you're just like, "Man, I really-- I'd let it all go today." You know, and you give yourself a little pat on the shoulder and you're like, "I'm gonna have a good day."

Rob: Well, I guess we don't have to talk about personal stories. We can talk about the episode, I suppose.

Glenn: Uh, I laughed throughout. Uh.

Rob: Wow. One of my favorites.

Glenn: I loved it.

Charlie: Really? One of your favorites?

Glenn: What's--?

Rob: One of my favorites that we've done in the- in the review.

Glenn: Whi-which is amazing because-because-

Charlie: Interesting.

Glenn: -uh, and part of why we made that episode, as I recall, was in reaction to how averse you are to like any kind of poop or fart joke.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: You know. And-and-and--

Rob: I always give in because you guys are right. It's- it's funny. I mean, that's what the whole--

Charlie: It was funny.

Glenn: I think it was interesting 'cause-

Charlie: Because the whole- the whole point of the--

Rob: Why do we want to do a whole-- And everybody already thinks of us as the dick and balls poopy show.

Glenn: Yes, and that's why we did it.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Rob: Why do we want to do a whole episode about it?

Glenn: But that's why we did it.

Rob: And you guys were like, "Well, because it's fun."

Glenn: Because it's fun.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fun.

Rob: And fucked up. I'm like, "Okay."

Glenn: Yeah, we're- we're gonna lean into it. We're gonna lean into it.

Charlie: Yeah, we'll lean harder into it.

Glenn: Yeah, we'll lean so far into it that it's like absurd. We'll- we'll start by saying poop isn't funny. We'll have a character, you know, who's like wants to do something sophisticated and cool. By the way, the opening of the episode right off the bat.

Dee: Hey, you guys. What are you doing tonight?

Dennis: What the hell kind of question is that?

Mac: Yeah, you're asking us to predict the future, Dee. How can I predict the future?

Dee: Well, there's a new martini bar opening up downtown. I thought maybe we could do something different tonight.

Dennis: Jesus.

Mac: Where is this shit coming from?

Dennis: She just watched that stupid Sex in the City movie.

Mac: Oh my god. When will that show die?

Dennis: Never, apparently. Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago when that show first came on the air?

Glenn: We're so angry with.

Rob: Yeah. Why are you doing this? What are--?

Glenn: We're like, "What are you talking about?"

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Why would we want to do that? That's crazy. Like I-- you're asking me to predict the future. I don't know what I'm gonna wanna do tonight.

Rob: Yeah. And we're playing checkers and drinking beer. We're playing- [crosstalk]

Charlie: Yeah-yeah-yeah.

Rob: -on a Tuesday or something. I don't know what we established to be.

Glenn: Yeah-yeah. No, I-I laughed throughout this entire episode.

Charlie: Me, too. I love this one.

Rob: It's funny.

Glenn: I loved it. It is funny. It is funny. And-and I-I would say that like your aversion to putting poop jokes and fart jokes in the show is less to do with whether or not you think it's funny and more to do with not wanting to be stigmatized.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Which we were and are, and whatever-

Glenn: And still are.

Rob: -is what it is.

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: That's fine.

Glenn: Yeah. And that's something I--

Rob: I-I should have accepted it at that point just leaned all the way into which-which we did-which we did.

Glenn: Well, I think you-- I think, but I don't think you-- like I don't wanna be the poopy dick and fart joke show either. Um, you know what I mean? So, [laughs] but--

Charlie: I'm okay with it.

[laughter]

I mean--

Rob: It's better to accept it.

Charlie: I mean at this point and, uh, yeah, maybe at some point, you were like, yeah, why I wanna be paraded around and celebrated-

Rob: Paraded

Charlie: -you know, whatever. But like now I'm like, whatever. If it's just-

Rob: Yeah, of course.

Charlie: -like goddamn funny, then great. That's even Fran Kranz's great--

Rob: This is so fun.

Glenn: Oh my God.

Fran: You got turd?

Charlie: Yeah, we got turd.

Fran: I'll take a look at it. Okay. Well, it's definitely poop.

Mac: Ah, yeah, we know that guy.

Fran: Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.

Dennis: All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?

Charlie: It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry.

Dennis: Really?

Charlie: Yeah. What else? What else?

Fran: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.

Frank: Inconclusive.

Megan: Yeah. How do you guys know him? Was that just casting or--?

Glenn: We knew Fran.

Charlie: No, we knew him.

Glenn: Yeah, we knew Fran. Um--

Rob: From somewhere around.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah just, I mean, yeah, I'd been-- I'd known Fran for-for a couple years. I mean, we weren't like close friends, but we were--

Charlie: He was one of those guys I think in like our age and in this sort of group of people you'd see at auditions.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah.

Charlie: You know?

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: I can't remember if any of us had worked with him before.

Glenn: I'd never worked with- I'd never worked with Fran. I'd- I'd only-

Rob: I haven't worked with anybody.

Glenn: -socially.

Charlie: That's not true.

Rob: Besides you guys.

[laughter]

Glenn: That's not true. You worked with Brad Pitt and, uh, Anthony Hopkins.

Rob: Not, uh, Harrison Ford.

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah.

Rob: But I got cut out of that, so I worked with them.

Glenn: Oh, oh, Harrison Ford. Right.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Rob: Technically, but no one would know.

Charlie: And you worked with the-the entire cast of Campfire Stories.

Glenn: [chuckles]

Rob: That's true- that's true. [laughs] Wonder Boys, Michael Douglas.

Charlie: Wonder-- you were with Wonder Boys.

Glenn: Yeah. You were sitting next to-next to Katie Holmes.

Charlie: Katie Holmes.

Rob: Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Megan: [laughs]

Glenn: Yeah. Let's get back to poop.

Megan: Bring it back.

Glenn: Let's talk about poop.

Rob: A lot of classic moments in this stuff.

Charlie: I'd love to get a little bit of conversation going about poop here.

Glenn: Yeah, that's better.

Charlie: Let's keep going.

Rob: Love-love the stuff- love the stuff with the ladies. Cannot wait to have Artemis on.

Glenn: Oh God.

Charlie: This stuff-- Artemis is so good in this episode. It's the first time we really kind of like cut her loose, right?

Glenn: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Charlie: And started to figure out-- well, we'll talk more about her character when we have her on, but, um, yeah, they are dynamic, the three of them together. Uh, we've talked about Kaitlin's stunt.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: Which is in this episode, which is the best stunt anyone has ever performed on television because it was the most likely to break somebody's neck.

Glenn: Yep.

Dee: Try that, one.

Saleswoman: Excuse me.

[head slamming]

[car alarm ringing]

Dee: [groans]

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: It's unbelievable.

Megan: It's very funny.

Glenn: It's not even just the-- it's not just the running into the car. That's the- that's the coup de grâce. But it's the wobbling.

Rob: Yeah, the wobbling all the way there.

Glenn: It's the whole thing is, is like--

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: The whole thing is just amazing.

Glenn: t is just extraordinary.

Rob: And trying to find, I mean she, uh, she, I think we said Dee has the size 13 shoe.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Rob: And so we had to get, she doesn't. So we had to get a size, like one shoe to make it look like her foot was so big. So she was wearing like a child's shoe.

Glenn: Wow, she doesn't have a small foot. I mean--

Rob: She's got a small foot.

Glenn: She doesn't have a giant foot. She has a-a tiny little foot.

Rob: Yeah. I mean it's not tiny, but it's, uh, it's, I don't know.

Glenn: It's so funny. I'm maybe, I'm-- I'm mix-- I'm mixing her up with her with character.

Rob: I think you're mixing it up, yeah. I think she's got like rather small feet for woman her size.

Glenn: I just assumed her feet were fucking huge. Just 'cause we always make jokes about it.

Rob: I think you are talking about.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: That's why she assumed and that's why also the audience assumes that as well.

Glenn: [laughs] Yeah.

Rob: They assume that her feet are enormous.

Glenn: Did we get that right in the roller skating episode? Did-did she say-

Megan: Yes.

Glenn: -she wears a size 13?

Megan: Size 13, yeah.

Glenn: We actually-- I think we had somebody looked at, we were like, I know that we've referenced her specific size of shoe. We need to make sure that, you know, we're getting that right.

Megan: In this episode, I love the shot woman's like, "Oh my," when she hears--

Charlie: Yeah-yeah-yeah.

Megan: She just has tiny, like, "Oh."

Saleswoman: Ladies, can I help you?

Dee: Hello. We are here for the Manolos.

Saleswoman: And what's your shoe size?

Dee: 13.

Saleswoman: Oh. My.

Rob: She'll be happy to tell us exactly.

Charlie: I love how Fran says, "Hey-

Megan: For sure she's-- I bet she's a size eight.

Charlie: -you got turd?"

Rob: Yeah, turd.

Glenn: You got turd.

Charlie: He-he doesn't ask like, "Do you have a turd?" There he goes, "You got- you got turd."

Glenn: You got turd.

Charlie: You got turd?

Frank: You got turd?

Megan: The little glasses, the magnifying glasses he wearing with the picky thing-

Glenn: That he's not even using.

Megan: -very funny.

Charlie: Wolf hair, credit cards.

Megan: Wolf hair, credit cards, newspaper, blood.

Rob: He needs to be closer. [crosstalk] I think it was lot of Rose-- Martin Roselle.

Charlie: A lot of Martin Roselle was on that, for sure.

Rob: Yes, absolutely.

Charlie: A lot of kind of figuring out where we were going with the Frank and Charlie relationship just in that episode, right? In the sleeping together.

Rob: Oh, she got back so fast. I just texted her.

Glenn: Who? You texted Kaitlin what size of shoe?

Rob: What size shoe do you wear? Size eight.

Charlie: Oh.

Glenn: Oh wow.

Rob: But she thinks I'm probably buying her shoes.

Charlie: Men or women's?

[laughter]

She probably thinks you are buying her shoes.

Glenn: She's smarter than that. She knows what we're talking about.

[crosstalk]

Charlie: Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.

Glenn: And she wants to clarify that she does not have a size 13 foot in reality.

Rob: That's right.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Rob: That's right.

Glenn: That's fair. That's fair. That's, well, that's not, you know--

Charlie: Are there things about you that people assume about you, uh, from the show that it bothers you that they assume that?

Rob: Tons.

Glenn: Oh really? Yeah, what's that?

Rob: I mean, it doesn't bother me. Uh, it's-- I find it fascinating. Um, and maybe-maybe I do this too, but I find it fascinating how often people assume we are exactly like our-our characters.

Charlie: I think we all do that. I think that's a natural thing.

Rob: Sure. I-I get that.

Charlie: You know.

Rob: I get that. If you- if you- if you meet one of, uh, a cast member of a show that's been on for 10 years. [crosstalk] You have similar things--

Charlie: I thought like it's very rare for someone to be completely unlike their character, right? Like--

Rob: Yes, but extreme version, of course.

Charlie: Like-like, uh, if a guy plays like a psychopath in like all movies, sometimes those people also tend to be a little bit crazy in real life. [chuckles]

Glenn: See, I-I actually find the opposite to be true. [crosstalk]

Charlie: Just enough of the crazy.

Glenn: No, of course.

Glenn: But they can pull it off--

Rob: We've talked about this before. You take a little bit of the personality and you-and you blow it up.

Charlie: Sure. Sure.

Rob: And you see the extreme version but-but mostly, I mean, we've been running a very successful television show for 15 years, 17 years.

Glenn: Very successful.

Rob: And people just-- I'm amazed at how often I'll be in the middle of a conversation and someone will say, "You're not as dumb as I thought," or something along those lines like, "Oh, you're smarter than I thought you would be." Bitch, what-what do you think we do? We show up and just say a bunch of words and then it just-- it appears on television?

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Rob: So I guess it does bother me.

Megan: So you fly into a rage like at a moment's notice, you're saying?

[laughter]

Charlie: I'm gonna put my thumb through your eye.

Rob: But no, it doesn't bother me.

Megan: And now, please enjoy this collection of moments where the guys were exactly like their characters.

[laughter]

Rob: Fuck you both.

Glenn: No-no, you know you're wrong because--

Rob: No, I don't.

Glenn: You're wrong.

Rob: That's crazy.

Glenn: You're crazy. You're fucking-- That's crazy.

[laughter]

Rob: And I rolled down the window. And I said, "Motherfucker, you are not getting in front of me. So, I don't know what you're going to do but you better do it right

now." Hey, everybody, grow up.

Charlie: Why are cars not just giant round rubber balls? You know like-like-like why don't we- why don't we do that? So, like it's like, "Uh, sorry, I ran into you. Good thing, we just bounced off each other." You know?

Glenn: Did these pants tear naturally or is it--?

Charlie: Yes, this is a natural knee tear.

Glenn: Yes, because the-the rest of the jean looks-

Charlie: It's falling apart.

Glenn: -pristine.

Charlie: I mean, if you look closely at the podcast, I've worn the most every episode. And as I tend to do, um--

Glenn: I've always wanted to know what it was like to actually sink in quicksand.

[laughter]

Now, if somebody were to give you a-a paralytic, you know-- a paralytic? A paralyzing drug of some kind, and to- and pop you on some quicksand and just slowly let you sink, that's pretty fucking diabolical. I think that would work.

[laughter]

You fucking bitch, that was not an honest mistake, it was a dishonest mistake.

Rob: Well--

Glenn: You fucking bitch.

Rob: Wow. Now, hold on a sec.

[music]

Charlie: We are supported by Athletic Greens.

Glenn: We are a-- Did you guys take your greens this morning?

Rob: Sure did.

Charlie: Oh, yeah.

Glenn: Gotten your greens? For me, it's every day. I-I mean, literally every day. I-I cannot start my day without some AG1 green powder by Athletic Greens. I'm at a point where I can generally feel whenever a given vitamin or nutrient is 5% to 10% depleted inside me. And so, you know, I know when I need to re-up.

Rob: AG1 has 75 high-quality vitamins, minerals, whole foods sourced superfoods, probiotics, and adaptogens.

Charlie: Mm-hmm. Well, they make it with, uh, constant iterations based on the latest science and third-party testing. So I buy, uh, that it's helping you stay at equilibrium.

Rob: To make it easy, Athletic Greens is going to give you a free one-year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. All you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com/sunny.

Charlie: Again, that is athleticgreens.com/sunny to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance.

[music]

Glenn: And now a word from our sponsor, Better Help.

Rob: Glenn, a little while back on this show, you were talking about how hard it is to care for plants, how finicky they are.

Charlie: Is this where you're gonna compare watering plants to taking care of your brain, uh, and your mental health?

Rob: Charlie, that's [chuckles] exactly what I would do.

Charlie: Is that what it was?

Rob: You know, it can take a combination of strategies and new methods. You know, for-for instance, seeking out support online like you do with Better Help.

Glenn: Better Help is online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions. So you don't have to see anyone on camera or even speak your mind out loud if you don't want to.

Rob: Uh, it's also much more affordable than traditional therapy, which can really add up for me 'cause I bring a lot of baggage.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: You know what you gotta do? You gotta water those plants, Robbie. You know, taking care of your mental health is paramount no matter who you are. And since Better Help can match you with the right therapist for you in under 48 hours, uh, it's a great way to get started today.

Glenn: Our listeners get 10% off their first-month at betterhelp.com/sunny.

Rob: So check it out and tell them we sent you. That's BetterHelp.com/sunny.

[music]

Megan: I-I would've thought that just having met you guys after watching you on TV for so long, I would've-- the only thing I would've assumed is that I would've assumed you were more outgoing, Charlie, just because the character is like so loud and kind of boisterous that I figured, but you're a little more shy and reserved than I was expecting.

Charlie: Yeah, Well, it depends on the situation. But I like a, I like a stage, you know, like--

Megan: Uh-huh.

Charlie: I do feel most comfortable like performing, like when we were doing the, I've like when we were reenacting the scene on the podcast.

Glenn: Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm.

Charlie: I was like, okay, that's my happy place we're making the song, you know.

Glenn: Oh, yeah, me too. No, I'm much more comfortable as a character than I am as myself like--

Charlie: [laughs] Yeah.

Glenn: You know, I mean, I, I, I've- I am not comfortable, you know, I-I admire actually your ability to--

Rob: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: -get up on stage and just kind of give a speech, you know. And like anytime we do a premier, you usually-- no, I think you're always the one that gets up and, you know, gives like a little speech to the audience or whatever, and you make jokes and you seem totally relaxed and comfortable. And I just, I'm not comfortable standing up in front of an audience as myself at all.

I'm extremely uncomfortable with that. I wouldn't say I'm as uncomfortable with it as the average person just because I think isn't that like widely understood to be like the biggest phobia is standing up-

Megan: Yeah, public speaking.

Glenn: -public speaking, yeah. So I wouldn't say I'm as bad as that, but um, definitely much more comfortable as a character than as myself.

Charlie: Yeah-yeah.

Glenn: Always struggled with that on the red carpet. Like whenever I was doing interviews and stuff, like do I, am I- am I me? Am I my char--? What am I, like, what am I doing here?

Charlie: Sure.

Glenn: Do I have to perform? Do I have to be funny? Sometimes I don't wanna be fucking funny, I just wanna be me. I don't know if you guys do this, but like, I have to almost get into character to do an interview, but it's not a character. It's the character of Glenn. It's like the Glen character. Like--

Charlie: Yeah. You have to turn it on a little.

Glenn: Turn it on a little bit. You gotta turn it on. Yeah.

Rob: I think this-this thing could be said for public speaking. I mean, I think [crosstalk] comfortable doing it, but it's only because of practice. I'm just as- I'm just as nervous each time but I just remind myself that I've done it and I- and I pract I--

Glenn: What's the key for you? Do you--? Is it-is it just trusting that trust-trusting that it's worked in the past and so you kind of know the-the-the feelings you can trust yourself up there?

Rob: Yeah. And then-and then what's interesting too is that you start to crave a little bit of the fear and anxiety a little bit more-

Glenn: Mm.

Rob: -and I've heard that before.

Glenn: For sure.

Rob: Yeah. Because that's kind of the juice and it's also---

Glenn: No, that is the juice.

Rob: [crosstalk] No, I always go to that place, which is like, what's the worst that can happen? Like truly what's- what's- what could- what is the worst thing that could possibly happen right now?

Glenn: You stumble on your words in a way that's goofy and you just sound like a fucking idiot.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: You use the wrong word-- you use a word-word wrong.

Rob: Yeah. You used navigate through it and move on and you find that most people don't give a shit. They wanna be there kind of, they want you to be quick.

[laughter]

They want you to say some funny things. Maybe say it's, you know.

Glenn: Well, it depends on the crowd, right? 'Cause I mean-- if like, I-I, you know, when you're getting up to-to speak in front of everybody at, you know, a premier of the-of-of, It's Always Sunny. You know, everybody's actually excited to hear what you have to say.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: That's actually scary to me-- scarier to me 'cause the expecta-- that's what it is. It's like, the expectation is like.

Rob: Well, I look at those standup comedians, I can't believe it. I-I--

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: What a- what-what a terrible job. I mean, it's so unbelievably-

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: -difficult to get up into a room full-

Glenn: So vulnerable.

Rob: -of people who are there. They paid a lot of money to be there and they love you, but they will turn on you. And you talk to some of those standups, they're like, the audience is there for me, and they will turn on me in 30 seconds.

Glenn: Yeah. If you don't [crosstalk]

Megan: Sometimes they bring a book.

Charlie: Sometimes they bring a book.

Charlie: Sometimes they bring a book and when I gave that, uh, commencement speech, you know, I-I was pretty nervous about it. I mean, at first they, the college asked me and I said, "Yeah, sure, I'd love to do that," and then I was like, "What did I just agree to?" You know, like people are gonna have their families and then there's gonna be an expectation that I make them laugh, right?

Glenn: Right.

Charlie: So-so I was like, how do I approach this and, you know, I was watching other speeches and getting kind of like in my head about like, "How the-- how-how am I gonna do this? I don't know how to do this." And you know, what I did was, um, I opened up a final draft document and I wrote like in-

Glenn: A script.

Charlie: Yeah. Uh, interior, uh, auditorium. Charlie takes the podium. Then, you know, my character's name, and then I just started writing it as if, you know- as if it was like an episode of the show or something.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: It was like, and this this what I would say, and then- and then I felt comfortable in that space, 'cause it was like, "All right, well, I know how to write for a character."

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Uh, and then I- and then-- and just kept working it, like a scene of a movie or a- or-or a TV show, and yeah.

Glenn: Yeah. That got around-- that kind of went around and got pretty viral, right? Uh, I mean, as I recall, I thi--

Charlie: Yeah. I mean, I think it was pretty well received, and-

Glenn: Oh, I thought it was-

Charlie: -I felt good about it.

Glenn: -I thought it was phenomenal. I mean, it's been a while since I've seen it, but I remember watching that and being like, "Damn."

Charlie: I was proud of it. I was proud of it. I was like, "Oh, I-I-I got my jokes in, and then I made some points, and then I got out of there." You know, like, but-but I don't know to do it again. I'm like, I don't- I don't wanna do it again.

Glenn: Did you- did you-- were you reading off cue cards or?

Rob: Oh, really? Even though you were successful?

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: But-but-but, how about this? Whether you want to or not, you know you could?

Charlie: That's true.

Glenn: Yeah. But he also knows the amount of work it took to-to-to come up with something that made him comfortable.

Charlie: Also, it doesn't-- uh, look, making a movie, or a TV series, or whatever is scary but, I aspire to do that, so I want to do it. I don't aspire to be a guy that-

Glenn: Right.

Charlie: -goes and give speeches.

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: So I'm like, I di- I did the thing. It went well. And like, kind of feel like you got-- like you-- I cut down the black diamond without breaking my legs. I don't have to go back up, you know, like I did it. I did the thing.

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah.

Rob: Yeah.

Megan: It's on YouTube. I'm gonna cut it into the podcast right here.

Charlie: Well, you are graduating from an excellent school today. Alumni have gone on to be CEOs, politicians, professional athletes. However, this year, you'll get to receive wisdom, life lessons, knowledge from a man who's made a living pretending to eat cat food.

[audience laughs]

Charlie: Now, I do however have some qualification, some insight, because like you are becoming today, I'm a Merrimack College graduate.

[audience applause]

Charlie: Thank you. I know what it took to get here today. I was in this very room. I sat in those uncomfortable chairs. I dressed like some sort of medieval pastry chef, and I too desperately hoped that my hangover would wear off.

[audience laughs]

Charlie: Yeah. That one knows. If you can just make it to brunch, you'll be all right. Take note. A quick observation today. Apparently the higher you climb in life, the more ridiculous your hats will become. Like the one I'm wearing today, or the Pope, or Pharrell. So, if some way you fear success, just think of the hats, that should motivate you. It's great, it's fantastic.

Glenn: Oh, this shit is really good. Me--

Charlie: It's-- you guys would also give a great speech, you know, if you went to college, or, you know you were respected by your institution, who doesn't really respect-

Glenn: Oh, I think that's very true.

Charlie: -uh, human beings.

Glenn: Uh, well-- they don't-- you know, it's like, [laughs] you know, y-y-you got-- I got classically trained, and I was meant to, you know, go on and do great things as an actor. And, uh-

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: -you know, boy, what an appointment.

Charlie: Instead, you made an episode about poopies-

Glenn: Instead, I'm making episodes about poopies.

Charlie: -and turd mergers.

Glenn: And turd-- uh, poopies and turd mergers. Yeah. What a shame.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: I do wanna talk about this real quick, but I am curious, when you did that speech, I don't remember, did you have, uh- did you have like little cue cards? Did they have like a prompter? How did you remember it all? You didn't remember it, right?

Charlie: I-I think I had the-the--

Glenn: You had it in front of you?

Charlie: I think I had the script. Yeah.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Charlie: Like on the podium.

Glenn: And you had-- I'm sure you had it like semi-memorized.

Charlie: Yeah, I had it mostly memorized.

Glenn: And so you weren't like staring at the thing all the time.

Charlie: And I was like-- no. Right. It's like, you know-

Glenn: Okay.

Charlie: -I find cue cards very difficult to read, like, uh-

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: -like, you know, in a situation where you have to look at them, I kind of go blank and can't see it.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Charlie: So I sort of have to memorize what I have to do. I mean, if you- if you're a-a cast member on SNL, you're doing it week-

Glenn: Yeah you practice it. [crosstalk]

Charlie: -after week, you get used to just like, okay, there's the card- [crosstalk]

Glenn: Yeah. Just like anything.

Charlie: -I just- I just read it.

Glenn: Right.

Rob: I think that's a common misconception that I hear all-all-all-- from a lot of people, which is that you have like-- people are like, "Oh, you must not be nervous, or you have a natural talent to get up in front of people." Like, I don't think that's true at all for me. It's truly just practice. So, you talk about the SNL, uh, people. I-I'm sure that there's a measure of-of fear and anxiety that goes into every performance, but it- but it definitely gets easier and easier each week, at least in so far as you realize, "Well, I didn't completely burn the showdown last week, and I figured out how to navigate the cue cards or whatever the system is."

Glenn: But also, I mean, you- you're an actor, so, like you know-

[laughter]

Glenn: -you aspire to be an actor.

Megan: He's about to be a TV host.

Charlie: You're going to be an actor one day.

Rob: I'm going to be one day.

Charlie: You're-you're-you're on the right track.

Glenn: So what-- and what is this your-your-- what are you doing-- [crosstalk]

Rob: I'm hosting Kimel.

Glenn: You're hosting Kimel. [crosstalk] Okay. That makes sense.

Charlie: That-- by the time this airs though, that will have happened?

Rob: Yes. So, it will have either gone over really well, or really terribly, or just kind of like, "man." But either way, I'm sure we could cut it into the--

[applause]

Rob: Thank you.

[applause]

Thank you. Welcome to Jimmy Kimel live. I am your guest host, Rob McElhenney.

[applause]

You May know me from my show, Mythic Quest on Apple TV+-

[cheers]

-thank you, or as one of the five drunk [censored] from, Its always Sunny in Philadelphia.

[applause]

While I'm very grateful for everything Sunny has given me, that's not what Tonight is about. So, let's forget about Sunny, guys, you're about to get to know the real me.

Charlie: I love that you're doing it though, right? Because, that's life coming at you with an opportunity that you-- not something you aspire to do. And just being open to it and being like, "Okay, I'll do it."

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Right. Like, uh--

Rob: Yeah, I got a call from Jimmy and--

Glenn: Yeah, what happened? How'd that- how'd that happen?

Rob: He goes on vacation during the summer, and he's like, "I need somebody to host the show." And so he brings on a series of guest hosts, and I've never done anything like that before, and he called and asked, and it sounded like-- I-I-I said no, because it-- I was super busy, and it didn't feel like something I-- maybe I was a little bit nervous.--

Megan: 'Cause you wanted to be rude.

Rob: Yeah. I wanted to be rude [crosstalk] and then- and then everybody in my life said, "You have to go do it." So, I said yes, and I'm really looking forward to.

Charlie: Yeah, because like, uh, it's an opportunity you might not get again in life. I probably would've said no too. Right?

Rob: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: I'm like, "Yeah, this is not what I wanna do." But then you're like, "I don't know."

Rob: I don't know if-if it's what I wanna do 'cause I've never done it before. I've never stood up and give a- given a monologue.

Glenn: Oh, you go-- Oh, so you have-- you're doing the whole thing?

Rob: The whole thing. The whole thing. You get up, you do a monologue. Yeah. I mean, we have--

Glenn: And are you working with the writers on that or are they--

Rob: Oh, yeah, so it's-- so my day starts tomorrow at 8:30, and I go, and we don't record until 5:00 or something like that.

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Rob: So-so, I spend all day rehearsing, which is great, 'cause I'll need that. And I-I don't know how it's gonna go. I really don't.

Glenn: Now, were you gonna pop a little Xanax beforehand?

Rob: No.

Glenn: You gonna hit some CBD, nothing?

Rob: No.

Glenn: Man. Nothing to calm the nerves, huh? Shot of whiskey, little shot of something?

Rob: You know, that might make-- that might be fun. But, I think the--

Glenn: Yeah, a glass of wine.

Rob: And, I kind of enjoy the anxiety, so I feel like the--

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's got-- it's game, that's go-go mode, you know, that's game time.

Rob: I think the anti-anxiety might like--

Glenn: Bring it down too much.

Rob: You know, I-I-I enjoy Xanax to help fall asleep from time to time, but-

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: -but to perform.

Charlie: You don't wanna be sleepy out there. You don't wanna shit the bed.

[laughter]

Charlie: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glenn: Yeah. We probably should talk about the episode, huh?

Rob: Yeah, I mean, we've talked-- [crosstalk]

Charlie: Yeah, uh-uh, like, it's kind of-- was the big speech the final thing? Was it satisfying for you?

Rob: Yes.

Charlie: Like, you know, twists and turns and--

Rob: I-it totally was, it was so well-crafted, well-performed-

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: -and I remember being in the editing room and thinking, "This didn't work." We were concerned that it wasn't gonna work. Not 'cause if any-- Artemis was amazing. It was because we hadn't found the score quite yet.

Glenn: Yeah. The score--

Charlie: Yeah, about the score. And there were a couple things that we zhoozhed in the episode that we didn't quite shoot. Like, um, when Kaitlin's looking at all the poop art.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: In the edit we, kind of created more like, uh, sort of effects and things-

Rob: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: -that because just the footage that we had wasn't enough. Just like playing out the sc- the scene as it took place. I feel like my mouth is so full of spit. I'm such a hack man. Oh, man.

Rob: Wow, the self talk there, man.

Glenn: That's bad self talk. I felt really embarrassed that my mouth got full of spittle.

Rob: [laughter] Hmm. Uh, then you called yourself a hack.

Charlie: I called myself a hack as if--

Rob: Interesting.

Charlie: I know.

Glenn: As if that has anything to do with the amount of spit in one's mouth.

Charlie: Okay. Sometimes I'm real hard on myself.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: I know.

Rob: Yeah. We'll-we'll on it.

Charlie: Cry for a minute?

[laughter]

Charlie: Um--

Rob: Anybody notice this? Uh, and anybody can go back and take a look at it. Maybe we'll cut it in the podcast. What is Danny doing during that speech? Do you know? Is he going to sleep? He is--

Glenn: Is he almost falling off the stool?

Rob: There are- there are a number of scenes throughout the series. And they get-- and-and I think we should point them out as we go, where Danny is just asleep during the scene.

Charlie: Do you think Danny was-- He didn't like the idea that it was him that was pooping the whole time?

Glenn: That doe- that does happen sometimes, right? Where he--

Charlie: Where he's like-- he's like, uh, I'll do-- [crosstalk]

Glenn: He would go with it but he's not--

Charlie: Yeah, he'll go with it but he's not loving the fact that--

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: It could be- it could be just that the cameras were pointed over our shoulders at Artemis, because it's such a long speech, and we-

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: -were there for three hours, that it were just like--

Charlie: That's probably more of what it was.

Rob: And-and he's an insomniac, so he didn't sleep probably very well-

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: -the night before.

Charlie: That's true.

Rob: The problem is he's up on that stool, and if he tipped over on that, like he could've cracked his fucking head open.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob: But-but he didn't. He would just kind of like nod, and then like wake up, and you can-

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: -see his-his-

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Rob: -eyes like, e-every once in a while they'd cut to him and he'd wake up.

Charlie: That was funny.

Glenn: We should- we should point that out every time it happens.

Rob: Yeah, 'cause it happens a lot.

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah.

Rob: Do you remember there was one scene where he actually fell completely asleep?

Charlie: Yeah, or Liam's-- uh, McPoyle screams at him and wakes him up.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob: I cannot wait for that one.

Charlie: And that was-- You know, it's funny because you're thinking, "Oh, the character is just not enough," but--

Glenn: I think-- yeah, it was. A-as I recall from shooting that, it was like kind of warm.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: And we were all sitting-

Rob: That's right.

Glenn: -on that couch, it was kind of cozy.

Rob: It was really cozy.

Glenn: And I think it was like to- too much for his, you know, sleepy body not to-

Rob: Yeah. Not to fall asleep.

Glenn: -not to doze off.

Megan: That's a performer that's so comfortable that he's like-

Rob: Yeah, exactly.

Megan: -close to sleep.

Rob: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Megan: And he's like so-- [crosstalk]

Rob: Maybe he took his Xanax, because he nervous.

Charlie: Yeah. [laughs] Did we- did we get a rain machine for that exterior-

Glenn: No.

Charlie: -shot of the--

Glenn: That's effects.

Charlie: That's an effect.

Glenn: That's a VFX shot. Yeah, we just added that in post. Uh, when-when we were breaking this [clears throat] story, I have a very specific memory of you, Charlie, uh, at the board coming up with a lot of those, uh, beats for the Artemis story at the end. I remember you-

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: -you just got on a Jag-

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: -and just like tore through a lot of that like in the- in the break.

Charlie: I-I remember that too, like--

Glenn: Do you remember that?

Charlie: I do. Yeah. There was a good photo like, Hornsby had a photo of me or something just because my handwriting was so bad, and it was like green, you know, it was green ink, and I think I had on that like Philly's cap that we got-

Glenn: Yeah. We should try to find that photo.

Charlie: -that was sort of like Jeff cap. Yeah.

Megan: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: See if Hornsby has it but like-- and-and just like-

Glenn: Lines and lines of the stuff.

Charlie: -lines and lines of the speech. Yeah. You know, like every now and then-- you guys know this, you kind of like--

Glenn: It comes to you in a torrent.

Charlie: It comes to you like in a-- it's happened to me maybe two, maybe three times total on the show. I think it was this episode, the-the one where we pulled a prank on Dee and Charlie Work.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Where it was just like-- [crosstalk]

Rob: [crosstalk] you and I wrote in one day. Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah, but I felt like that was me riding your wave of-

Rob: Yeah, yeah.

Charlie: -of like-- you were like-- you were hot-

Rob: You had a vision for that. Yeah.

Charlie: -and I was just like- just like, "Okay, yeah, well," and-and just-just plus it.

Rob: Yeah, be-being there to soundboard. Yeah.

Charlie: You know, just like-- yeah, to zhoozh and be like "That's a great idea. And then what if this?"

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: But, sometimes one person gets on a roll and it's just like-

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: "All right. Let 'em go, and don't stop 'em." Right?

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Because you're like--

Rob: I remember specifically with the prank on Dee being like, "I don't know if this is gonna work, but I definitely have learned my lesson. Do-- just get outta the way and-and-

Charlie: Yeah.

Rob: -and let who's ever got the vision for it just go.

Charlie: Yeah. People get hot.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Well, yeah. You get- you get into that- you get into-- you're in that flow state.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: You know what I mean?

Rob: I don't even think I was in the room for that. In fact, I may have been--

Charlie: For what?

Rob: For-for the poop story. I think I was like, "I'm out. You guys do the poopy jokes." I-- and I think I might have been breaking the other story.

Megan: Credit. Credited writer on this episode.

Rob: Yeah. I might have been just been breaking the B story-- the, um- the Sex and the City story.

Glenn: But-but we also-- you know, we don't credit the-the person necessarily who even broke the story.

Rob: No.

Glenn: It's just whoever wrote the-the-the draft or whatever. But, uh-- [crosstalk]

Megan: How did you-- did the idea come out of like being criticized for be-- like wanting to attack is poop funny or not? Or did it come out of like wanting do a murder mystery idea, and then that just being the--

Charlie: That, I don't recall.

Megan: No, you don't remember?

Charlie: I can't really remember.

Megan: 'Cause it's like, clearly at the end she gives a speech, ala like, uh, [crosstalk] Sherlock Holmes or Poirot at the end of the--

Glenn: Yeah. Ms. Marple.

Megan: Yeah, Ms. Marple like, the-the classic detective-

Glenn: Yeah.

Megan: -speech at the end, which are--

Charlie: Yeah. I mean, I think we knew that-that would be a funny way to approach an episode of Who Pooped the Bed?

Megan: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: Right? Of like, just trying--

Glenn: Turning into a mystery.

Charlie: Yeah. These characters being like, "This is all we care about now," you know, and then, yeah. And it works so well against D's story.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes it just works.

Glenn: The, uh- the score, uh, under Artemis' big speech at the end was a riff on the score from Beetlejuice. You guys remember that?

Video: Four turds, five suspects. So many, many nameless victims. The first poop was obviously frank, old and weak. He had an accident. That's why he was so intent on destroying it. There were many turds before this weren't there, Frank. This was just the first time you got caught, wasn't it? And then you went and did it again the next night? Or did you?

Charlie: I watched Beetlejuice?

Glenn: So, Beetlej-- there was a cene, I don't remember-- [crosstalk]

Charlie: Flying out of my mouth. I don't know what's going on today.

Glenn: What- what's-

Charlie: Spit just everywhere.

Glenn: Oh, asha- you're ashamed. [laughs]

Rob: Wow. He knows.

Glenn: You don't wanna become that old man who's always got-

Charlie: Am gonna picture a drive now up there-- [laughs] Um, no, I don't.

Glenn: You know th- you know those guys like where the just collects right there, and you're just like- you're just like-- [laughs]

Charlie: Just give me one of these, man.

Glenn: Just-just-- yeah fuck.

Megan: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: Um.

Glenn: You don't feel that?

Charlie: What were we saying?

Glenn: Uh, the score-- that score was-- it's-it's a- it's a almost a direct riff on, uh, I don't remember the scene in Beetlejuice, but it was a scene in Beetlejuice, and you get, yeah-- uh, well, what? Meg, maybe you can pull that up.

[music]

Beetlejuice: Sure.

[thunder]

Lydia: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: It's showtime.

[thunder]

Glenn: Were you guys fans of like mystery novels of like the great, uh- the great detective mystery characters like, uh, Miss Marple-

Rob: No.

Charlie: I have become more of a fan.

Glenn: -Hercule Poirot and--

Charlie: I've become more of a fan. I wasn't really, but I've-- I'm getting more and more into it.

Glenn: I think I read the Hounds of Baskerville when I was a kid.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: But I don't rem--

Charlie: Sherlock Holmes, you know?

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Charlie: Catch a little Sherlock Holmes?

Glenn: Yeah.

Megan: Yeah, I used to read mystery books all the time when I was younger. I kind of wanted to be a forensic toxicologist for a while when I was in-

Glenn: Oh.

Megan: -school.

Glenn: Wow. So, you would've been the Fran Kranz like, you know, digging through-

Megan: Yeah, uh-huh.

Glenn: -digging through things, looking for--

Megan: Except for poisoning.

Glenn: What's that?

Megan: That was what I wanted to do, poisoning, like poisoning cases.

Rob: Oh, that-- 'cause that's-that's the woman's choice-

Megan: Mm-hmm.

Rob: -for murder-

Megan: Yeah.

Rob: -traditionally.

Glenn: Oh, is that right?

Rob: Oh yeah, fuck yeah.

Megan: Yeah.

Glenn: Is that the most-most, uh, commonly used tool for murder that-that women use, is poison?

Megan: Yeah, certainly like-

Glenn: Are you serious?

Megan: -um, hi-historically, yes, because it was our greatest point of access to murder you guys.

Glenn: Uh.

Rob: Yeah, feed you.

Charlie: [chuckles]

Megan: Yeah.

Rob: You wanna eat, fuck-O?

Megan: [chuckles]

Rob: I'll make you dinner.

Glenn: Ooh, God, yes.

Rob: Here you go.

Glenn: Slowly, right?

Rob: Enjoy it, sweetie.

Megan: Yeah.

Glenn: Slowly killing you with your food.

Megan: I remember reading it--

Rob: Just a little bit of art like- [crosstalk]

Charlie: Psychological torture too is a big- is a big one.

Megan: I remember reading a story of a woman who poisoned her husband by taking, um, something, it was something out of the fish tank, like filters, and she was crushing a little bit of it up every day, and like putting it in his food, and it took-- uh, it was like heavy metal poisoning, but it took a couple of months.

Rob: Yes.

Glenn: Oh, it's like the-the passive-aggressive equivalent of killing.

Rob: Well, because if you don't have the-the tools of aggression-

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Rob: -so you need to be passively aggressive. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "He probably deserved it."

Megan: [chuckles]

Rob: I'm just-- I'm putting it out there.

Charlie: I think if they're going as far as-

Rob: He deserved it.

Charlie: -to murder the person-

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: -boy, yeah, he's probably real--

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: 'Cause, like, I-I mean, just leave-leave the guy.

Rob: You're gonna get--

Charlie: Like, but if- i-if you feel like you can't leave, then the person has to die.

Rob: What are the percentages of psychopath-- of murder psychopaths that are- that are women? Now they-they exist.

Megan: Yeah.

Rob: Like let's not pretend they don't exist. They exist.

Megan: Mm-hmm.

Rob: But I'm gonna say they're slim compared to men.

Megan: Well, most murders are male.

Rob: Sure.

Megan: M-most murderers are male.

Rob: Yes.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Megan: So, in general, and then a subset of that are serial killers, and I'm sure like a tinier subset of that are female serial killers. Although, you know, that female serial killers--

Glenn: But how often are they driven to murder because of women?

Megan: [laughs]

Rob: Yeah, well, right.

Megan: Always.

Charlie: [chuckles]

Rob: Almost always.

Megan: Because of their mother, I believe their mother.

Rob: Yeah, yeah, see-see. It's mother. It's mom.

Charlie: It's mother.

Glenn: It's often mother.

Rob: Yeah.

Megan: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glenn: Mother is usually the source of it, right?

Rob: Sure.

Megan: Um, but women, I feel like the famous ones, they get away with it for a really long time, 'cause usually they work in like nursing homes, or like at orphanages, or stuff like that where they have like access to lots of like the angel of death thing [crosstalk] yeah.

Rob: Yeah.

Glenn: Sweet, old lady murderers.

Rob: Oh, sweet, old lade sociopath.

Megan: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: Mm-hmm, yeah.

Glenn: That's a scary-scary thought, a scary character right, someone who's so sweet and kind on the surface, and who's just slowly poisoning you.

Megan: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: And that exists, but it's very rare.

Megan: Yeah mm-hmm, yeah.

Rob: Very rare.

Megan: It's especially rare that, um, cross gender, uh, couples murder together, so those are really interesting stories also, like men and women that team up-

Glenn: Oh.

Megan: -in order to kill together.

Rob: For fun?

Megan: For fun, yeah, for-for pleasure.

Rob: Yeah. I-- I-I found you, I found my perfect.

Glenn: Yeah, and how do you discover that?

Megan: Yeah. How did you get into that?

Rob: Online, online, online. [laughter]

Glenn: But before there was- before there was online, you know, how do you broach that subject? Do you get an inkling right, and you're like, you see an opening, and you're like, you test the waters?

Rob: Well you know, what happens, you go out on a date, and she tries to kill you.

Megan: Yeah, you go home, and then you try to strangle each other, and you're like, "Ah."

Charlie: That's crazy, I was gonna do the same thing to you.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: I have an idea.

Rob: I have an idea, let's team up, and then every night you're also sleeping with one eye open, and that's hot. You don't know like at one point--

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. "Is tonight the night she's gonna get me, or do I get her tonight?"

[music]

Megan: Guys, a new season of NFL football is almost upon us.

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you know what that means?

Rob: Loud and clear, buddy, it's time to try out for the Eagles again.

Glenn: No, uh, Robby boy, um, I don't think so, I'm talking about gambling, baby, okay? The old spread total money line. All right, gotta get ready for the NFL week one action with DraftKings Sportsbook and official sports betting partner of the NFL.

Megan: To celebrate the return of football, DraftKings is giving new customers a can't miss offer, bet just $5 on any football game and get $200 in free bets instantly.

Rob: Well, that's a great value to get you started, I can attest football is always better with skin in the game.

Glenn: Yeah that's right DraftKings is the closest you will get to football at this stage in the game. Rob I'm sorry.

Megan: Download the DraftKing Sportsbook app now and use promo code always to get $200 in free bets instantly when you place a $5 bet on any football game.

Rob: That's code "always" only at DraftKing Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL.

Glenn: Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply, see the show notes for details. Today we are brought to you in part by BlueChew.

Charlie: Blue Chew is a unique online service that delivers a chewable and much more affordable version of the active ingredients in Cialis and Viagra.

Rob: The little blue pill.

Glenn: It's a chewable tablet, there's no pill swallowing involved.

Rob: Remember in the Matrix where Morpheus opens his hand and offers Neo a blue pill and a red pill?

Glenn: But he wouldn't be offering you any red anything.

Rob: Okay, look, I just-- I rewatched the movie, and like in the spirit of-of the reference.

Charlie: To your point though, who does wanna take a red pill? It seems like if you take the blue one, uh, your penis gets harder, right and, uh, your erection lasts longer, right? Now, that-that sounds more fun to me than waking up in a pile of goo. Um, although it could lead to a pile of goo.

[laughter]

Glenn: Okay. But just so we're clear in this scenario, the Morpheus you're talking about is one of BlueChew's licensed medical providers who has approved your claim and cleared you for a specific strength of prescription. Am I right?

Charlie: That's right. Cause that's the responsibility. That's what they do@bluechew.com. Uh, um, and it's-it's very useful, and it's also efficient.

Glenn: These guys are not gonna be in dusters or shades. The approval process happens entirely online.

Charlie: And here's a special deal for our listeners. Try BlueChew free when you use our promo code "sunny" at checkout, just pay $5 shipping.

Glenn: Yeah, that's bluechew.com promo code "sunny" to receive your first month absolutely free.

Rob: And guys, there is no spoon.

Charlie: Oh, no spoon.

Rob: It's a Matrix reference.

[music]

Charlie: Have you guys ever pooped your pants?

Rob: Yes. Once.

Charlie: Only one time?

Rob: As an adult. Yes.

Charlie: And a full on-

Rob: Full on.

Rob: No-no stopping.

Glenn: Filled your pants with poop.

Charlie: Not like a- not like a leaky fart, but like, uh--

Rob: No, no. I've ne-- I- I've never done that. And I hear people talk about like, charting, or-or like looking in their underwear, and there's s-skid mark. Like, I don't know why. That's just never been my bad. It's never happened to me. Ever.

Charlie: You're an all or nothing kind of a guy.

Rob: I'm an all or nothing. Uh, and I-I've heard of people shitting their pants before, or shitting the bed, and, um, thought, "Man, I-- that's just never gonna happen to me. I'm a- I'm a grown adult. I-I don't have problems with incontinence." Incontinence, is that right?

Glenn: Yeah. That's right.

Megan: Mm-hmm. That's right.

Rob: Incontinence.

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Rob: Um, and then, uh, one day, I just straight up my pants a full release.

Glenn: Yeah. Full--

Rob: Out of the blue. Out of the blue, for no reason. [crosstalk]

Glenn: What do you mean out of the blue? Okay. So, how old- how old were you?

Rob: 30. I-I can tell you I was in my 30s because my son was born. He was sitting-- I was-- it was my turn to watch the kid. He was asleep, but he was in one of those like chairs that just like vibrate, you know, like those little rockers?

Charlie: Mm-hmm.

Rob: -and I was- I was working, I was typing at-- sitting at like a desk chair, and I just remember sitting there like working, and all of a sudden feeling like some kind of rumble, and then, like, maybe I thought I had the far-- I don't know what it was, but it just exploded. I mean, I laughed so hard.

Megan: Well, did you get sick?

Rob: It came up-- no. Uh, there was no- there was no reason for it or why or what happened?

Charlie: Wait, so, I mean--

Rob: it came up and out my shorts from the top and through the bottom, and I'm just laughing hysterically.

Charlie: Wow, man. But you were in your home, you had access- quick access to a toilet.

Rob: Buddy. When I say a toilet-- when I say a bathroom was six feet away, I could- I could see the toilet from where I was sitting.

Glenn: That's not the point. The point is you thought you had something that wasn't a shit.

Rob: Yes.

Charlie: You were ready to let it out, and it was a shit.

Rob: It was a full, I mean, I.

Charlie: So, you did think it was a fart, but it wasn't a little spill, it was a giant.

Rob: Yes, but when I say I was-- I don't even remember thinking like, "Oh, well let me just squeeze this out." It was just, "Oh, I've shit- I've shit myself."

Glenn: I've shit my pants.

Rob: And I remember like, almost like-like rising.

Glenn: Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

Rob: And I was laughing so hard.

Megan: Like, how-- and what dog were you thinking about at the time?

Rob: Yeah, no dog.

Glenn: Yeah, what breed of dog were you thinking of when this happened?

Rob: I was laughing so hard, and I was like, he-- I was like, "I got to wake my son up, but he's not gonna get it. He's too young. He-he doesn't get it yet." But I was-- I-I called Kaitlin, my phone was there, and I called Kaitlin. I called her from the landline, and I was like, "When are you coming home? Because I have to have you." I wanted her to come in to the room.

Glenn: And see the scene of the crime?

Rob: And see the scene, because it was-

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: -it was absolutely insane. But she was gone for hours, and I was like, I think I could sit here for 20 minutes, but I can't sit here for two hours. And so I got up and--

Glenn: Yeah.

Rob: In a perfect world, I wanted her to come home and have her just walk in, and then just pretend like nothing was happening. And have her be like, "It smells really bad in here-

Charlie: "Oh, check, the baby's diaper."

Rob: -and I don't think it's the kid." No, you got to check--

Megan: Wait, is this just to complete the set, 'cause you peed on her and she-

Rob: Yeah, exactly.

Megan: -stayed with you, so you're like, "Well, if-

Charlie: Yeah.

Megan: -if she can get through this, then we're together forever."

Rob: I thought, "Man, what a great bit." Like, if-if-if she could walk in and I'd be like, "Oh, I gotta-- I guess I gotta change the kid." And then getting up, and like changing the kid and realizing that there's shit just all over me.

Glenn: Now we--

[laughter]

Charlie: That's unbelievable.

Glenn: Was there carpet?

Rob: No, it was on the floor.

Glenn: Like, did you ru-- was there anything ruined?

Rob: I mean, it was a hardwood floor, and it was- it was a wooden desk chair, but it was like.

Charlie: Did you throw the clothes away or did you try to shower?

Charlie: Christ, you weren't in your linens, were you?

Rob: I was not in my linen. Now, the linen's in--

Charlie: You weren't in your linens?

Rob: No.

Charlie: This was before you were linens?

Rob: Definitely-definitely the underwear got thrown away.

Glenn: Oh, yeah.

Rob: But I don't know if every--

Glenn: You wanted to salvage the pants like, "This is my favorite pair of pants."

Charlie: Also, a pair of jeans, you might be able to--

Rob: Also, for anybody who does not have-- anybody who's got kids and is hearing this story, and recognizes that at the time I was changing diapers all day long, you get so used to it at-at a point in your life-

Charlie: That's true.

Rob: -that you just don't give a shit anymore. And I'm the kind of person that gets, like, I used to gag when I would like pick up dog poop. Now, I-I-- it just don't bother me at all.

Charlie: Yeah. There's-there's a like a- there's a moment in child rearing where, you know, in the beginning it's like the poops are like, they don't smell like anything yet.

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: It's just the breast milk or-- and i-i-it's kind of--

Rob: Actually smells good, smells like s- smells just like sausage biscuits, I think.

Charlie: Yeah-yeah. And then- and then they start eating solid foods.

Rob: Yeah, that's nasty.

Charlie: And then it's like a homeless man has broken into your house and-

Rob: Yes.

Charlie: -crapped in your kid's diaper and snuck out.

Rob: Yes.

Charlie: You're like, "What is this?"

Rob: Yeah.

Charlie: And then you get used to it. I have- I have never had explosive diarrhea in my pants. I don't know how. I've had so many like running to the toilet, sweating-

Glenn: A couple of close calls.

Charlie: Close calls.

Rob: To be- to be- to be clear, this was not diarrhea.

Glenn: Yeah, this was- this was.

Rob: This was a full, like solid, but then was squished by the weight of-

Charlie: What?

Rob: -gravity, yeah.

Glenn: Yeah. It wasn't one of those things where you're like-

Rob: It was not liquid.

Glenn: -"Oh, no, I'm gonna shit my pants and I can't get to the bathroom on time." It happened so fast that you're not sure what happened?

Rob: It was absurd. It-it never happened before, and I don't think it'll happen again until I- until I actually--

Charlie: I had a solid one coming out one time. When I was a kid, my-my buddies, he had a basketball net in his room. It wasn't like a high ceiling, so we would just like, I don't know, like, uh, we wouldn't emp-- it was like a little mini thing.

Rob: Yeah, with those, yeah.

Charlie: Yeah. A little nerve basketball.

Glenn: That you put on the door?

Charlie: And we were just like playing. And I remember I had my sweatpants on, and then I just remember feeling something like fall down my leg, and get like trapped in the ring of the sweat pant, you know?

Rob: Ee-eh.

Megan: God.

Charlie: And I was like, "I think a poop came out-

[crosstalk]

Charlie: -in my- in my leg." And like going to the bathroom like shaking, like pulling- pulling the sweat pant out and then dropping the turd into the toilet and being like, "I pooped down my leg." I was like 12, but like-

Glenn: But like for real, that's-that's that you, and then, and that you knew what it was like to be a horse?

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: You know, you're just doing your thing, just playing-- [crosstalk]

Charlie: It just came out. I jumped too hard or whatever it is.

Rob: Yeah. You went up for lay up and-

Charlie: It wasn't a big one, like a little, hard, round one, but-

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Rob: -out it came.

Glenn: Meg, when was the last time you shit your comments?

Megan: I too have never.

Rob: You've never done?

Megan: I-I gotta say that my, um-- I have like a thing, I-I-I haven't reached that point, uh, of being comfortable enough with like poop-talk yet. So, I'm-- I am now fantasizing about lemons, which is what I do when I get nauseated-

[laughter]

Megan: -by like conversations.

Glenn: Oh, you're getting nauseous.

Charlie: Yeah. There's a certain percent of the audience that's gonna be very turned off by this.

Glenn: Yeah. Sure.

Megan: I represent that percentage of the audience, like,

Glenn: That's all right. Sometimes you gotta face your fears, you gotta face your-- [crosstalk]

Charlie: I-it's part of life, man. E-everybody-everybody does it.

Megan: That's true.

Glenn: Everybody poops.

Megan: My husband's family loves telling stories about shitting their pants, and like farting and stuff, and so--

Rob: Really?

Megan: Yeah. And I,

Glenn: It seems so, uh, un-English.

Charlie: Yeah, that's very un-English.

Megan: I know. I thought I was marrying into this like proper British family, and then that's all they want to talk about.

Charlie: They're from out the countryside, right?

Megan: Yeah. They're--

[chuckles]

Charlie: Oh, that-that explains-

Megan: Well, No. They're like, they live in London too but, um- but they tell a really funny story about my father-in-law. Um, he's an art dealer, and he was at his first-- he had set up his own, uh, art dealership and he was going back to Christie's for the first time, like to impress all of his friends. And during the auction he shit his pants, and then ran to the bathroom and took off his boxers cause it was like contained in there.

Glenn: Oh, good.

Megan: And he decided to hide them in the sister of the toilet, like, and then he was like, "Oh, it'll be fine." Like, "I'll-I'll get out of here and whatever. It'll be somebody else's problem." Goes home, tells my mother-in-law, his wife about this funny thing that happened to him. And she's like, "Wait, were these your boxers that you've been wearing since school? 'Cause they had his name sewed into the- to the band of it." So he had to go back to the auction house. He brought an empty briefcase, and he went back and like-

Glenn: A briefcase?

Megan: Yeah, a briefcase.

Glenn: Why not a shopping bag? Why briefcase? Why waste a good briefcase

Megan: Because he had to sneak in and out. Like-

Rob: Yeah.

Megan: -he had to sneak in and out without anybody knowing what it was.

Rob: Oh, all right. A shopping bag is a little--

Charlie: Mmm.

Megan: Put, uh-- put-put the, um, boxers in there, went out, put some rocks in it and like threw the briefcase into the Thames. So that's a famous story.

Charlie: Amazing.

[laughter]

Charlie: People have been like shitting into the Thames for thousands of years.

[laughs]

Glenn: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm still doing it.

Megan: Ahh.

Rob: I say, fuck it, let's lean all the way into it. Let's have a whole show where listeners call in and tell us their poop stories. Who pooped the show?

Glenn: I don't think I've ever shit my pants. I've definitely sharted.

Charlie: Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Glenn: That's you know. I have a specific memory.

Rob: That's shitting your pants.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But only a little--

Glenn: Yeah yeah yeah. I-I guess I mean I haven't had a full release.

Rob: A little bit of poop is still poop.

Megan: Yeah but they have a word for it, so there must be a reason to distinguish.

[laughing]

Glenn: Take it easy, Meg. Nobody is--

[laughing]

Rob: Nobody's telling you you're dumb.

Charlie: But you know the thing where like you burp, and you catch a little throw up in your throat, and then you swallow it back down. You're like, "Whoa, I just burped a little throw up." It's not the same as like vomiting for three hours in a toilet. That's throwing up.

Megan: Yeah.

Charlie: That's just like a--

Rob: If you were to spit up a little bit of bile from your stomach, and it came out of your lips and onto the-the plate in front of you, that's vomiting.

Charlie: Mm, that's reflex.

Megan: [Megan] Yeah, but, if you had to--

[laughing]

Megan: But if you were like on a date, and you had to either vomit a tiny little bit or streams of it out, you would rather the former, right?

Rob: Of course.

Megan: So, there is a difference, like you would rather shart on a date than-

Glenn: It's a micro shit.

Megan: -than shart your pants right? Yeah.

Glenn: It's a micro shit in your pants, is what it is.

Megan: Yes.

Glenn: It's a- it's a sort of a, I don't know. Yeah, a smaller version of it.

[laughing]

Megan: It's a continuum. [Glenn]

Glenn: Yeah, yeah.

Rob: There's a spectrum.

Glenn: As with most things.

Charlie: I usually can find a restroom and, you know, like hold it long enough to find a restroom. And that this happened to me recently when I was in New York. I'm coming home and I had to like ask the guy like to find a gas station. I'm like, "I- I'm sorry, you gotta pull over."

Glenn: Yeah.

Charlie: And then like two days later, Mary Elizabeth and I went to a restaurant, and wa-walked with Russell, and we were walking home, we bumped into Dax, and saying hi to him and the kids and everyone. And like- and I was like, "Oh, I have to run back to the house," uh, and let Mary Elizabeth keep walking. I ran all the way to the house.

Glenn: Ran?

Charlie: Ran. Stopping every few seconds to be like--

Glenn: Are we talking-- were your hands blades, were you running that fast? You know what I mean? Were you going like Toretto?

[crosstalk] [laughing]

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like, I'm sweating and running.

Glenn: A Mission Impossible style run, or are we talking like a- like a-a swift jog while clenching your butt cheeks?

Charlie: Mm, swift jog.

Glenn: Yeah, okay.

Charlie: Clenching the butt cheeks.

Glenn: So you weren't going all out like T2.

Charlie: [crosstalk] myself.

Glenn: Okay.

Rob: Ike-Ike Barinholtz tells an amazing story that involves him and Jennifer Lawrence, and, like-

Glenn: Mm-hmm.

Rob: -I think we should have people call in and tell their poop stories.

Glenn: Yeah. I think that's a good idea.

Rob: And we have a whole episode, and, you know, if you don't wanna watch it, don't watch it fuck-Os. And if you wanna listen to it--

Charlie: We should have celebrity poop stories.

Rob: That's what I'm saying.

Charlie: Okay.

Rob: But then- but then let's mix it in with, you know, listeners and creeps.

Charlie: Yeah.

Glenn: All right. So, we'll reach out to a couple of our friends-

Rob: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: -and have them, what? Call in and tell their poop-pooping stories.

Rob: Yeah, yeah.

Glenn: Maybe Zoom?

Charlie: We can do that.

Glenn: Maybe we could do via Zoom. We can Zoom them in. Okay. I like this- I like this plan.

Rob: Well, I think we've learned a very valuable lesson today. Poop.

Charlie: Poop is funny.

Glenn: Poop is funny.

Charlie: Poop is funny.

Rob: Poop is funny.

[music]

[End Credits]